July 20 2008

Yesterday I went to the pig roast with the Stoney Creek RFC.
And Holy Cow! I haven't seen so many people drinking so much in such a short time. I mean, DAMN! They were insane. I only stayed till about one thirty, if that. There were people who just camped out there all night, and it was... Sincerely amazing. Let me tell you. Whew!
But you know what? I am constantly faced with the reasoning behind why I like rugby so much, and this was no exception. I'm one of those people who's really open. When someone asks me to tell them a secret that no one knows, I can't. I don't have them. Everyone I know knows everything about me. Or everyone knows something about me. I'm pretty obvious in my transparency. I don't keep secrets. And I'll tell you what I'm thinking regardless what it is, as long as it suits my interests in that moment.
Usually it does.
And so do most of the other rugby players. The girls, the guys, all of them are so damn open and likely to talk to others, regardless. There's a girl on my team who has much more experience since she's been in rugby way longer. She was telling Silver and I about stuff, it was awesome. I learned a lot. Like, why I belong in rugby, even if I think that I suck sometimes. I mean, all I have to do is practice my ass off, and I'll be okay. And I think I'm sticking to flanker, even though I'd like to play hooker. It seems like something I'd enjoy. But I definitely LOVE flanking. It's like... *sigh* All tackles and no standing makes Nifty sore, but so very, very happy. :D
Anyway, other than that, the sexuality of these people actually rivals mine. I'm pretty sure a few people got laid last night, and I don't know how much the alcohol had to do with that. Oh, that's another thing I belong there for, is the alcoholic intake. It actually gets close to my intake. Okay, who am I kidding? These people drink like friggen fish! Like, I've never seen so much imbibed since Chakiz, Silver and I had that random drinking session at my house where we pooled alcohol and mixed everything. Let's see... We had:
Tequila Rose
Sour Puss-Red and Grape
Jägermeister (with Red Bull, of course, thereby solidifying the chances of all Hell breaking loose)
Fireball Whiskey
Peach Scnapps
Cherry Schnapps

Hells, I'm sure there was more... I just can't remember. I do, however, know that it reminded me VERY nicely of a bar on my table while we were drinking.
I definitely think that it was the mixture of both tequila rose and Fireball Whiskey that made me spew my intestines all over the bathroom walls at nine-thirty at night. Yeah, we drank really, really heavily.
That's was interesting.
I learned that puking after alcohol is like nothing you'll ever experience otherwise. I mean, a hangover sucks, it sucks balls, but you can pop some aspirin, or shoot some more vodka and you're fine. Puking, is ike, oh crap! I feel like... yep. *insert puking scene* Damn! There was no controlling that one.
Aah!

:D Still, good experience. I learned that I absolutely CANNOT outdrink a guy who's six-foot-plus a few, two hundred pounds and who drinks like a rugby player.
Anyway, about this related pig roast: It was the awesomest experience of my life so far. 'Cept for maybe sex... That's occasionally good, too. And it happens more often, that's for sure.

July 17 2008

Hm. So, Chakiz is into me after all. Why do we inflict self doubt? I think that my half-year resolution will be to cleanse that stupid self-doubt from me. It makes me a horrid person. I feel crappy and I act like a bitch when I'm doubting me and myself, and then I look dumb when I tell the guy that I kinda missed him after all, even though it was all...
I dunno.
Man, I have a messed up head. I need to stop thinking so much.
Seriously. I just told someone to stop thinking so much yesterday. Pitcher, in fact, was who I told. I think I need to stop that. Practice what you preach, as they say.
I mean, I can't help but think, but I can cut back on the amount that I hate myself and doubt my abilities and my first thought.
You know why I'm like this? Because I had to do it with Backcatcher. Always. I used to be happy, before I met him. I was a bubbly person. I'm still bubbly on the outside, but wracked with doubt on the inside. Then again, I'm blaming it on him. It wasn't only him. I also had a tendency to be too naive, and eventually it caught up. To counter-mix the naievety I have to be really doubtful. That's why I'm always warring with my other voice, I think. That's why I don't get along with me for large amounts of time. Gah.
Man, I am seriously messed up.
So, my new thing: I will not doubt myself.

July 16, 2008

Is honor too much to ask in a relationship? With anyone, seriously?

Sometimes, I wish that time travel were possible for me, so that I could move from this time to another time where honour and truth meant something. Not only that, I wish I could find a time where freedom and respect went hand in hand. I wish I could transfer myself to a dimension where storybook romances existed. I hate reality. It's no wonder I spend all my time reading. It's because today's reality isn't worth its existence.
Disgusting.

July 14, 2008

So, I've been really, really angry lately. I snap at everyone and anything that moves, I hate people and things, and I complain. All the time. More than usual. I'm starting to get angry with myself for being so angry all the time.
And then I realized why...

I'm sexually frustrated. I have never been frustrated for this reason before.
Ever. Seriously.

I can't even do anything to help myself out. I've tried, and it only makes it worse. I don't want to go find a diferent man, either. I can't. I tried. Not interested in the least bit, to tell you the truth. I have three or four guys... (hmm... lets see... three if you don't count the one who's trying to play me 'cause he still has a gf) who are all sitting around trying to get me to do stuff... and I can't. I just can't, and when I do, it's just... "Wow. This is boring. Heh. Kinda, like, meh. Wow. This sucks. Let's go see if I can stare a wall into oblivion."
Seriously. I have to actively think about flirting, and even then it sucks.

I haven't been this obsessed with a guy since backcatcher, my first real bf. And that took two or three years to get over. It was a while. Granted, this guy's a cooler guy, and he's nicer, and he's waaaaayyy more honourable, but damn! It makes me all the more confused as to why he's still single.
And that fact is why I'm so damn frustrated. No one else I've met since I met him has lived up to his whole self. Hell, none have even matched up a section of his personality. They just don't make 'em like this guy's made. But, damned if I don't spend every day thinking about him. All the time. And it frustrates the hell out of me, because I'm not a forward person once I've learned them. And I'm afraid that if I open up, he'll be like "pfft" and blow me off. Or, worse, will feel guilty or something like that for making me feel like this.
I'm so weirded. A girl at work said I should make him cookies. It's a brilliant idea, because he's an eater. But... I don't want to have to coax him. I want him to want me.
Haha, Cheap Trick song.
"I want you to want me,
I need you to need me;
I want you to want me,
I need you to need me..."

Also related:
"For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder"
-Hey Jude, The Beatles.

Because that's what I did... I acted all cold and uncaring, because that's how I am with guys who don't want to go anywhere, but sometimes I wonder if I just didn't make everything worse for myself by doing it. I mean, I hate scenes since that first bf breakup which was a huge scene... and I'll never do it again. I think I made a pact with myself that I will be the one who comes out on top when the guy or I decides it's over. Since backcatcher, I haven't really made a scene. A few tears quietly shed once I've left, and I'm good. But, damn it if I don't just act like a statue, and maintain body distance.
When he left on that last day, I just wanted to touch him or kiss him... I think I'm terrified of making a fool of myself, though. We did hug, but... I don't know. I just wanted more than that. I mean, we did go camping together. Just us. Alone. For nearly four days.

Gah.

I think I really miss him. I hope he feels something for me. Enough to avoid his band for a day once he gets back and to spend some time with me.

Is it too much to hope for? Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Maybe. I don't know. I can't know. I'll just have to make a fool of myself, I guess, because I'd rather know that he wants nothing to do with me then not. I mean, at least if I know he doesn't want to see me anymore, it won't be this horrid limbo that I'm in right now:
"does he even think about me?" "Will he even know me?"
"Will he care enough to listen?" "What if... he doesn't like me?" "What if I was just rebound?" "What if, what if, what if..." (It's horrid to write this, because it means I am insecure after all. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Plus, I don't think he'd forget me, it's only a month. Only.)

Anyway, I'm sexually frustrated, and if you have a problem with it, sue me. I'll go jump his bones and then be happy for another month. Once more at the end of the summer when he gets back again and I'll be pleased.
Or I can just kind of hope he doesn't go away in August... It's a plausible hope. Kinda sucks for him, then, but I'll be selfish in my own blog (as well as truthful) and say that I really, really miss him and hope he doesn't go away again.
I want him to stay, I want him to be with me, and I want him to like it. I would probably travel back to my city every weekend from school just to spend a few nights with him. Hell, I'd come and get him, drive him to my dorm, and drive him home every weekend if it meant he'd stay with me.

Hell. I hate this uncertainty thing. It's not really good for my heart, I'm sure. If I have a heart attack, blame Chakiz.

July 12, 2008

So, I am waiting patiently. So far I've only been uber frustrated for, like a week. I've been attending rugby lately so I haven't worried so much about being apprehensive about Chakiz as I do about being exhausted.
Sometimes, I wonder why people are the way we are. I think it'd be cool to find a perfect mate who wants permanence, and then I think that it's silly because that's my imperfect, which is silly because then even if I had him and he was perfect, he would piss me off so well that I'd stop talking to him.

I miss him. NOt to tears like before, but I miss having him around. I talk about him all the time, and everyone in my friend circle that doesn't already know him wants to.

I got a sunburn while I was playing watergirl at rugby today. I'm going to a pig roast with rugby on the nineteenth. On the eighteenth there's an orientation day at Trent U for first years to learn how to pick classes.
I'm so tired, I"m lying down to write this and have already closed my eyes.
And when I close my eyes, male characters in romances change for me, and I'm currently trying to upgrade my two lovers for Zach De Masion's story. It's a good one, but kinda shaky because it changes so much.
THat's all. 'Night.

July 9, 2008

All I want is to curl up with him, lie next to him, and cuddle. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, 'cause he's out in the middle of nowhere town carrying a gun around-for fun-surrounded by all those chicks who think it's cool to be in the reserves... What did I do so wrong that everything gets messed up now?

Did I kill someone in a past life? Maybe I was an adulterer. That would definitely be a reason that seems plausible, considering my crappy ability to meet or keep a reasonable lover for very long.

And all the ones I actually like are married, gay, or in the army and away for the summer.

July 8, 2008

Yesterday I went to rugby. That was nice. I think I hardly fit in with the people at rugby because I WORK SO GODDAMNED BAD HOURS!
And this comes in here: I'm quitting. I love working for GT, but I just can't. I hate applying for new jobs even though chances are that I will get whatever I apply for, but I hate it. I hate moving to a new place and starting all over again.

And I'm doing this for rugby and for a play.

Great.

July 5, 2008

So, today I was trying my hand at recreating dishes from Chakiz's house-and I sort of prevailed. I made refried beans which I actually call black-bean spread, since that's technically what it's called.

And I'll be damned if it didn't taste good! Not as good as the pro-kind that Rudy's mum makes, but that's to be expected; I never was taught how to do it, and I didn't have a recipe, I was working from memory of the three seconds Chakiz took to tell me how to make them before ushering me into the tent while we were camping.

I made them, though. :D Now I can have bean spread even if he never wants to see me again. I just wasn't expecting all the mess it made!

Speaking of Chakiz, I made a realization today. I don't want to be done with him. I haven't made a single pass at any guy since I started with him. I have no interest in other men. They just don't live up to Chakiz. I don't know.

It could be caused by his being so standard towards me; it could be because he just didn't care one way or the other what I felt or wanted. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment and only like guys who don't give a damn about me.

Shit. I hope to hell not, because this could be a looooonng lifetime for me.

Still, secretly, in the back of my mind, I wish that he does think of me once in a while, even though the more rational side of me takes over and says "you know you're setting yourself up to get hurt, right? He did say that he just wanted to enjoy the time before he left, and to 'see what happened' from there."

But then my stupid romantic side says "but maybe..." And then I spend two hours crying because I just don't know. I hate it.

I think he's going to be hard to beat though, if he beat Kizisini.

And he did. Ohhh, did he ever. Kiz never let me touch his guitar, and Chakiz didn't mind, in fact he taught me chords on his guitar.

This is going to sound stupid, and I'd hate to believe it could never be possible, but I really want him to call me when he gets back... I want to know if he cares at all for me the way I think I might care for him.

And then, says my stricter, rational me:"You know, if you say that and hope for it, he'll come back, party for a week with his band like he repeatedly said he was going to, and then he'll leave again without even saying a word to you, and you'll spend all summer ignoring other boys just to be with someone who doesn't even think twice about you in a summertime. You'll be crushed, you know."

I fucking hate my rational side. I hate it for what it is and what it makes me feel. I hate that I can't hope for ten minutes without breaking into a bout of tears because of it.

"Shut the hell up, rational side. You know nothing about humans, do you?"

Gods. I hate being human.

July 4, 2008

So, I'm supposed to be emptying my bookshelf. Silver's already half packed to go to school, it's only July, but I should probably be following her example so that I'm not all rushed in August. Besides, she knows what she's doing.

I'm missing my most recent man-friend who went away to reserves camp, and now I'm just kind of single and floating--which, you'd think it would be easier to pick up guys being me, but, alas; not.
I think Silver and I learned not to try to pick up guys at bars. Number closes are really hard to get from guys. It should be the next big game show. Female PUAs try to get numbers. Even though technically silver and I aren't PUAs... Okay, more then technically. It just isn't going to happen. I think we're too normal for that. But I do employ some of the insane brain manouvering that men employ... I call it "stupidity".

Hahahahaa. Joking. Sorry to offend. I just thought it was kind of funny. Anyway, I think that I have given up on actually believing that I might meet someone who wants to be sober and hang out in and for the next two months, and I have limited myself to admitting that I am going to wait till I go away to make it serious. Which is actually what I want, believe it or not.

So, now I have to go clean my bookshelf off...
See you later!

June 30 2008

It's nearly July! I can't wait.

I also have this horrible problem: I can't go back to weird, ugly guys. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be good at dating nerds who were overweight, acne-prone and virgin-y... but I can't do it anymore.
OMG!
I'm what I hate.
And yet, I don't hate it so much anymore.

I mean, I think I gained STANDARDS!

Maybe that's why I've been single for so long. Because I just can't stand lowlifes anymore. I'm sick of trying to change guys. I hate it. If they aren't what I want, then I kick them out of my line of sight in the mating form.

I mean, the guys that I've been falling for are guys who are fun to party with, who are slightly bad, and who are hot. I mean, seriously manly goodloooking, omg I want to do you here good-looking.
No more weak, blonde, short, timid, quiet, need-a-drink-to-be-talkative guys. I hate them. Hell, I can't stand them. They never want to do anything.
"Hey, let's go toss a frisbee around"
"Hey, no. Let's watch tv instead".

I think that's my pet peeve, guys like that. It's such a waste of male anatomy. Not that I'm all go-go-go-go, but...
heh. Maybe, then again, maybe I am. Maybe I always have been. I like being busy. I've accurately filled up all my weeks. I am now overlapping things because I just don't have time.
And it's summer vacay.
Heh, maybe I am one of those go-go-go people.

That's weird. Didn't see that one coming.

June 24 2008

So, I went camping with Chakiz this passed(past?) weekend.
Amazing fun. Until Sunday/Monday, when I realized that there are so many differences between men and women that I'm boggled humans have survived this long.

First, we got there, and the first thing I do, is set up the shelter. I hop to the tent. Where are we putting it? Will it be okay here? How about here? Is it flat enough? Soft enough? Shaded? Out of the way of danger? Far enough away from the campfire and the food table? Yes, yes, yes, yes yes. I put it up. Then I get to arranging the inside. Chakiz, where would you like your sleeping bag? Your things? Which side do you want?

The first thing that he did was set up his hammock. The second he did was get out his guitar and lie in the hammock, while serenading me with 'Hey Jude' tabs--that I retrieved for him from his bag. The third thing that he did was went to the washroom.

Well, at least that explains how women have survived...

But, alas, that wasn't the only thing. There were really three things we did. We ate, slept, and layed around the campsite.

Oh, and we also went to the beach. Where I learned the second thing about men.
They're always right.

"Put on sunscreen; you'll get burned," says he.
"I haven't burned in three years," says I.
Long story short: I burned.
Badly.

"The cooler should go away in the back of the car," says he.
"Don't worry about it, the 'coons are scaring me with how close they're getting," says I.
Short story shorter: The 'coons ate well that night.


The third thing that I learned about men, is that they separate all of their little parts of life into compartments. When they say something, they mean it; nothing will sway their decision, because there's nothing to sway with.
Music is music; a job is a job; friends are friends; temporary lovers are temporary lovers; holidays are just that: holidays.
Nothing in their lives are connected the way that they are in women's lives. A bad day on the job will affect their sex life; a bad day in a supermarket line will throw a woman's life into depression.
But a man, a man will take it as far as the car, and then forget that it ever happened.

Damn, I wish I were a man, sometimes.

June, 20th 2008

So, in the last four months or so, I've heard from four guys that I used to date, who want to 'go play pool' or 'go for coffee'.
What the hell? I don't want to date anyone again! If I wanted you, I would have called you! Seriously!

Am I that much of a commodity?
Seriously?

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

And, what a time to get in touch with me, when I am set in t-2 months to move to Peterborough for THE REST OF MY LIFE!
Okay, well, maybe not that long. Just four years. But still... I won't be in Hamilton.

And all the guys I have around all the time, all the guys I hang out with, and they all want to get with me in the last two months of my stay in Hamilton.

Well, sorry to say it, guys, but I'm leaving. I'm not carrying any permanent relationships, unless Chakizetta wants to try an open ltr. Which, chances are, is impossible.

Fancy that. The guy I like is the guy who's not interested. Maybe in four years he will be.


Seriously, though! What the hell? I'm a terrible girlfriend, I can't stand being committed, I hate people half the time, I complain a lot, and... well, lots of things. I like being alone, I like having my way, I like being adored, I love attention, and I lavish the guy when I'm obsessed.

Why me?

Who am I kidding. I love the attention. It rocks. I especially love it when their faces fall when I say "I'm moving to Peterborough for school in two months."
Muahahahahaa....

June 13, 2008

I find myself saying "whatever" a lot lately...
"My summer's gonna suck." "Whatever."
"He's ignoring me again." "Whatever."
"I hate life." "Whatever."

I feel like two different people sometimes, one me that's an automatic jump in who doesn't think, and then the after-me, who smacks me inside my head and says "You're a friggen moron, why did you do that? Now I have to go clean up the mess you made..."

I wonder if I'm schizophrenic?

June 10, 2008

So, I talked to Chakiz today about what we are, and he made unbelievable amounts of sense, which makes me think that he's thought about it before... Which makes me think that he likes me... hahahahaa.
*dances joyously*
But we're not labeled at all, though. Which, is cool. I guess. I understand it now, so it's okay. He likes me, I like him, we occasionally please each other, and we're not attached at the hip.
Perfect, if you ask me.
It's because he's going away over the summer, and when he comes back, I leave for Peterborough. So, it'll be a long time before we're possibly going to see each other. So, why ruin it with regrets?
I don't know, makes sense. He's intelligent, you know. It's kind of nice, not to have to talk to a moron all the time. :P
And he's fun. And it will be a fun few weeks, before he leaves. Then a long, boring summer-I suppose I could change that. I'll work a lot. It will be nice. I'll always be busy.
And then school.
I still really like him.

June 9, 2008

Hm... I can't remember if this is the only june 9th entry. Sorry if it is.
So at work, I did a lot of thinking and decided to talk to Chakiz (who, btw, IS single... well... yeah. So now we're just... enjoying each other?)
Anyway, so I was getting sick of not knowing and being on the wall all the time-- because I really, really like him. But I don't want to be falling for him if he doesn't want me to, because then that would be one more guy I've been obsessed with that just DOESN'T want me like that. I would be very disappointed, because I really like this one.
And one more reason why I should like him: I said: "I think we need to talk" which usually, in dating land, translates to either "I've cheated on you" or "I'm dumping you"... but I've had guys laugh when I said that, only to have them then dump me with that line. Anyway, I think that I'd like to change this connotation. I don't mean that. I like Chakizetta a lot. So much. It's bad because I'm starting to think that if he wants to meet me half way, even him going away in the summer and me going away all school year, we could actually make this work. I want, more than anything right now, to make this work. Like, badly.
Very, very much. He has a personality that fights mine for dominance, but I don't know if one will ever really come out on top--but it's always interesting.
Anyway, I think I scared the poor tall man, because he was like... >eek< and just kinda buggered off of msn when I said that. Haha. Oops. So next time, I need to think up better words. 'Cause it's the exact opposite of what he thinks I meant that I did mean.
I just want to ask him if he wants to get more serious :O
Yeah. That's what I said.
I'll give up being single and all that jazz so that I can be happier with him.
I've gone insane.
Insanely insane.
Someone make sure I'm not sleeping:P But it makes me happy to think about it. I want this, a lot. In fact I feel all fuzzy about him.

Euw. I sound sickening.

It's the music: Carly Simon-You just call out my name
Maroon 5--Sunday Morning

OOh, caught the end of the one song when I remembered I was supposed to be writing them down. Haha. Then it went into Maroon 5.

Hm... I appreciate Chakiz.
I desire him.
I long for his touch,
and I even want his little mood swings to continue.

Mmm... and he smells so good. :D
And I get to keep him for like, three nights, all to myself! I'm going camping with him, at Turkey Point! I can't wait!:D I hope it's awesome. I'm so excited.

And, Trent U sent me the forms for the everything for rez. I got into LEC, Lady Eaton College, single room. :P Means I can have *friend(s)* over. And if Chakiz says he wants to go more serious, you can bet your ass that I'll drive all the friggen way to Hamilton to get him, to bring him back to dorm for three days, where I'll be happily entertaining him.
But Apparently people can't be over for more than three days at any one time.
It's weird.
;P I'll bet I just figured out another way around the system though. He can't stay in my room for more than three days, but he can stay in three of my friends' rooms for three days, and three days, and three days...lmao. Aah, finding ways around laws is so much fun.
Anyway, I lurve the way I feel right now; I'm not so horrible feeling like I have been all day because I was so confused about where we (chakiz and I) are. Now, at least, it's kind of out there, minus a few main ideas.

Guys, I really hope he's not weirded out. But it's too late to avoid bringing up now... So, wish me luck!

June 8, 2008

Man, my parents are annoying.
I bought a used Mac laptop--it was cheaper then my dell was. So I bought it. I'm not sure whether or not I want to keep or sell it--I'll probably keep it for a while and then use ebay to sell it off. Now, with that, I also think that it was a good decision--it was a good price and I did NOT have to pay for s&h.
Well, my dad was all "grr" because I didn't run the scheme past him first.
Well, guess what: I'm old enough to make decisions. It was in cash, it wasn't charge, and it was a clean deal.
I'm old enough to know that I have things to pay for, but who's to say I won't sell it for slightly more? Or even break even? I can, it's physically possible. Even if I lose a bit, it won't hurt me.
Man! The audacity.
The horrendous assumptions! Gar!

June 7, 2008

I don't know if I could deal with a man moving off to military all the time... I spend all my time thinking about them not being here, and wondering, and thinking, and I haven't even admitted how much I like him to him yet. Gods only know what would happen if I did.
Jeepers.

Okay, so I was just reading through old journal entries (of the diary that I keep on my computer), and this one strikes my fancy. It's so funny :P
Well, what did I do today?
I woke up
I went pee and brushed my teeth.
I brushed my hair. Actually, I think I brushed my hair before #2.
I ate some raisin bread with butter on it that I heated up in the morning.
I contemplated not going to school, and then did anyway.
I put all the school stuff in my backpack, except the two envelopes that I needed to bring. I did NOT get photocopies of my stuff.
I walked to school and got there close enough to on time that it counted.
I fought with my English teacher in my head. STICK IT TO THE MAN!
I threw myself on the floor and let out a bloodcurling screech, flailing wildly at the pain which coursed through my body like a soldering gun was being run up and down my extremities… Oh, wait, that wasn’t me. That was my daydream. Right. Story ideas.
I planned a bit more of the Kaylana story.
I left English before the bell rang because she dismissed us, and I walked to photography
Where I developed film.
I realized that my mp3 player is screwed up so badly that it won’t even be acknowledged as a media hardware… it keeps saying that the files are corrupted.
I went to lunch, and talked a lot. I ate pasta salad and tried dr.pepper chocolate-cherry, which was okay, I suppose. It would be gross to mix, though.
I talked to Josh, who said that the best thing to do to fix it is to search the player and Linux, or just to buy a new one.
I went to guidance and waited until I couldn’t wait anymore, and left.
I walked to my art classroom and ran into Kat who decided to tell me she was going to the washroom for a number two.
I laughed all the way to the art class with Teresa and Devon.
I did art, and complained a lot, but I think that I figured out what I’m doing for all my project components.
I looked at pictures of art that were abstract to try and understand what it was to be ‘abstract’.
I understood what abstract was, sort of.
I left art when the bell rang.
I put my stuff in my bag and stood up, and said goodbye to ms. Roglic, and to Teresa and Devon.
I walked east, S, stopped at my locker, S, and then to guidance, which was E, and stood around to pick up my Transcript. I didn’t get the stuff I needed to signed, since it’s at home. But that’s okay.
I walked to Communications where I sit now, only on the other side of the comm.. class, because there are no more computers on the wall, and I’m not kicking someone off, so I’m using my laptop, but there’s no Ethernet cable in the #5 port, so I can’t connect to the net… tonight. But I’ll fix that when I go out tonight and buy me an Ethernet cable. Yay!
I sat down and began to write the diary, and exactly what I had done that day. I’m currently thinking about just sitting and daydreaming of rugby, rugby men and sex. But that’s the future thought. And now I’m considering to write a story about Nifzeta and Edward, to continue “Post-secondary Love” Where they’re sort of like Kay and Mark, but not quite, because they get along, they meet on a sports team athletic meeting, and they’re really close before Mark gives up and tells her that he’s sleeping with her whether or not she wants to. Now I’m wondering if I can escape this infernal cold in any way, because I’m insanely cold.
I’m going to stand up and… probably have aneurisms. Which I can’t spell. Aneurism. Aneurism. Aneurism. Aneurism. Yeah, a-n-e-u-r-i-s-m. That’s about right.
I don’t know what I’ll do after that, nor do I think I should be conscious after that, so it won’t matter.

Hahahahahaahahahaha
I'm lmao right now. :P
Enjoy!

June 6, 2008

Today is Friday. I think I've fallen for this guy. I don't know how. It just happened. What a way to go. I want to date him. Seriously. I mean, really. To the point where I have to stop talking to avoid bringing up the issue. I'm sure I've offended him, but I hope the smiling is enough to keep him here...
Gah.
I like that word. Where did I get it from? Maybe Silver. Actually, probably Silver. She seems the most likely source.
Anyway.
Duhr. What happened to "I want to stay single so that I don't have to dump anyone before University?"
Now I'm thinking "Maybe I could work out a long-distance. I mean, three and a half hours isn't that bad, and we both like driving. It could work!"
*sigh* I like him. I really do. I like his little temper tantrums which aren't like any I've seen except for mine-where silence is the best offense. He does that! He does it well! Fight, fight, fight, drop the subject and sulk until you get your way:P.
Anyone who knows me and who's been in a fight with me knows that's the way to go. I always get my way with it.
Seriously. Man, I don't know... I think I'm going nuts again. Obsessing over things. Except, except that this one might come to fruition. This one could work. This one might be a good thing to obsess over. Hahaha, man, if he reads this, I'm going to be... crazily embarrassed. Maybe I should stop. Then again, why would he find this? I mean, seriously, no one knows about it unless I've told them about it--which I generally don't. And I don't label my posts, because this is more like a personal blog than a public one... And that's the way I like it.
Okay, well, I have to go wash the drool off of my face now. :D Bye!

June 5, 2008

Man. I want to be a fly.
A fly on the wall.
I have a severe interest in a guy. A guy at school, no less. And interest so severe that I've automatically contracted one-itis since I found out he didn't have a girlfriend.

And what makes it worse is that I see him, all the time. All the time. Every day. Well, not all the time. Gods, I'm not even dating him and all I can think about is him. Gah.
Ahahaha...oh, and like Mr. D said, I think he might have an interest in me, if Friday, Monday and Tuesday have anything at all to do with life.
But then today... I dunno. He seemed so uninterested. His body language was all off. Maybe he was just thinking, like G-Man said.
Hey! That would make sense. Okay. I'll go with that for now. I feel a little less stupid for being kind of confused, now.
Man, I hate understanding women. It makes men really, really confusing.

May 28, 2008

I hate, Hate, HATE today...
I'm not in a bad mood or anything, I'm just really pissed with everything. I don't know why.
And then I'm like... grr... I can't stand anything right now.
Everything is making me angry. Grr...
I need a mate. I've decided. Even if it's not suggested to be permanent, I need someone to be physically close to, because if I don't have someone, I get close to everyone, even people who have no interest in it.
Gah.
And that's weird, and then I feel bad for talking to them that day, and then they think I'm weird... which I suppose I am.
But... I don't want to be physical with someone I don't even know. I'm not into that. I need someone who's just there. And they understand that that's all it is.
Back to ex-BID?
I don't know. We kind of stopped talking.
It just ended. The. End.

*sigh* I think it was half my fault, but he didn't help either. It's not like he was clamouring for my attention. He has enough of it that he doesn't need mine anymore.

Frig. I hate being me sometimes. Morals and a high sex drive.
Great combination.
Frig.

May 27, 2008

aha-ha!(like jeff-fa-fa.)
So, my teacher has a laptop for sale for 500 dollars and he said he'd sell it to me if I wanted it.
It's a mac.
Of course I want it.

Aargh. I hate being at my house, though. I go to school for seven hours, come home, babysit for another two, run to work, come home, refuse to eat because I always feel so stressed... Honestly thinking of drinking again right now. Enough, at least, to make me a little less tense. I hate being like this, and since I met alcohol... well. I'm an aquarius. We're prone to always being absorbed into something we're really big on. Right now, I have so many things that it's not even funny. Well, I guess it's not that much, its just that right now, every single thing I decide WILL affect the rest of my natural life.
Seriously.

So seriously.
:P

May 26, 2008

So, there's this thing Pepper Ann... who's an old nickname for someone I knew a while back- told me about writing poems:
"Just write a bunch of stuff down on the paper, just a load of crap that kinda flows or has really odd suspense-it doesn't have to actually make sense!"
And I found out how truly right she was.
Some of my best poems are ones that I sat down with the most odd snap words, and wrote them. My favourite is one about the Journey of a Water Droplet-in one of my other threads of things, I think.
This is a new one:

Deep Blue

Creating the atmosphere
Light, bright and blue determines
The next movement;
Ethereal, the phantom floating
Above the grassy hill moans
And draws in superstitious fairy-tales
While I hold my breath
And judge the safety of the moment.
I throw my hand down to the dust
Where the feet of the naked ghost,
White and limp, they dangle below
Slowly transcending reality
And I investigate its cards
Thrown down in a gust of wind from
Nowhere, from unknown directions;
It has two aces, a king, and a queen
Which trumps my two, six, ace, and
Joker.

By Nifzeta Chizala.

Now, it actually has a meaning, and I think I like it for the humor and utter reality of such a fantastical nature. it's awesome.
With a little 'a'.
That was my awesome update... oh. And a guy from my art class (a good looking, but utterly un-single guy) who shall henceforth be named Chakizetta or Chakiz for short gave me the best idea ever.
Since I've run out of nicknames for guys that are hot, I'm going to go back to the old language that my cousin made up to name them, here and in stories. It's easier, and more secretive.
So, I'll re-find the language and re-name everyone. Mine's Nifzeta.
This guy is Chakiz.
I once dated a Kizisini.
Linc's a shortform (which, nearly everyone has, since names can get really long, and I guess there'll be a corresponding name/nickname list:

Nifzeta:Nifty
Chakizetta:Chakiz
Kizisini:Kiz
Lincstetti:Linc

But I'll never use Kiz, I killed him off, and besides, he has another name on here.
Wow, I stopped nicknaming bfs with nicknames after Kiz. That's nuts.
I haven't done it again, seriously. They never hear their nicknames, they just go up here... I used to call Kiz Kiz all the time. And no one after that.
Complex, much?

Don't answer that, it was rhetorical.
I guess I nickname some people still- Sha, Michatah, Silver, etc... but I'm not dating them.
Weird.

So there's this other hot guy at school, whose name I'm not going to say, because I haven't figured out his name yet (damn, I need to find that alphabet), but... *sigh* always thought he was gorgeous. And he's funny.
And he's human.
But he dated a girl I knew and she was... wow.

And damn Chakiz, always flirting. I guess, though, I'm getting a taste of my own medicine, since I do the same thing. All the time. To everyone with a penis. Now I'm single though, so I'm trying really hard to only flirt with guys who are unbelievably doable or who are single. Because sometimes it pays to flirt with a guy who's got a girlfriend if all you want is a summer-time romance...
Which is what I'm essentially after. Unless it turns into something more important, which I doubt, but can't absolutely deny could possibly happen.

Anyway, I need to go print off my poem, so... tata.:D

May 25 2008

Hmmm... I hope that this is the first blog for today... I think it is.
technologic-daft punk
So, I don't have much to say. Apprehensive today, about University. Not the going, but the fact that if I don't get this money thing figured out, I won't be able to go... So the Not Going, which would kill me.
I'm, like, obsessed with it.
*sigh*...
Ooh, short entry.

May 25, 2008

So, one of the things on the PUA website is GFTOW, go (verb) ten other women, which in my case will be "go find ten other women" which, since I am a chick that is straight, will then be "go find ten other men" or GFTOM. This GFTOM relates to one-itis, which is when the mindset of a PUA is stationed on one person.
So, it happened. That's what I get for doing the BID... who's an ex BID? I'm not D him anymore, I guess... since he hasn't brought it up; I assume he's lost interest.
Whatever.
Anyway, I have a tendency to concentrate on one man, like, the one I'm doing at the time. I don't do more than that, because then those days where other names pop out happen. Since I drink enough, that's not a good mix. So I stick to one, usually.
Well, One-itis set in, so I got weird around him; constantly shooting him IOIs (indicators of interest.) Well, how am I supposed to be picking up a guy if I'm only sending IOIs to the guy who's least likely to ever need me to pick him up?
Well, I know I get one-itis, but I never knew why, till I read another thing which said it was all in my head. It's all in your head.
I decided to test this theory, and the GFTOM theory.
Does it work?
Well, I haven't fucked ten other men, but I've been dating and flirting like my life depended on it, blocking out the guys who aren't worth my time, aren't single, or aren't interested and concentrated on people I didn't know, wanted to know better, or just plain thought they were hot.
Which has happened.
And, it's working. I now, honestly, don't care whether or not the BID wants to do me. He's not my problem, I have at least three other promising men waiting for me to call them.
Mmmm....
Anyway, that's what I wanted to say; that, as far as I can tell, one-itis IS in my head and GFTOM DOES work for me...maybe you should all try it.

May 20, 2008

Hm... I miss chivalrousness in men. I think that's why I'm still single. I want a man who's oging to be honourable, and a lack of honour and loyalty turns me off.
Now that that's stated, I also can't stand meekness. They have to have enough confidence that they're not going to back down when something steps in their way.
I want perfection.
I want a storybook romance.

And I'm going to find it or die an old maid... with a few manslaves, because just because I'm single doesn't mean I can't keep myself happy. I just will forever be a wandering spirit, haunted with loneliness.

*sigh* I'm lonely now. I can only hope that getting out of where I am will help that.
I've noticed that I'm not happy here, and haven't been since last September; I feel stifled, and unable to move. For a while it was solved after I broke off all my male-female relationships. But recently everytime I go to the mountain brow's edge, I get lost... it's weird, I know. And it sounds depressing, but... I don't know. It's hard to explain. I just feel this crazy need to leave, to get away, and to express myself differently; I need to find something, I'm lost and something's not right. I'm not going to kill myself, or do something crazy, but I sure will be glad to get away and explore different things, until I get comfortable again. And that sure as heck isn't going to be here.

May 19, 2008

Well, I've decided that one-itis is unapprovable for me. I don't think that Zack's going to do it for me, since he's clearly a player and not much else. The game's amazing, but the players are messed up. I can say that, since I'm attempting to figure out men. What I've discovered, is that I find it really hard to say "no, I have no interest in you, begone vile thing."
Even when the guy's trapped me against a wall and is kissing me. "No" should be easy. "No" should be simple and not so hard. Now, I'm not exactly easy, per se, because as soon as they start touching me I move. But a kiss? Not so bad, I guess. I mean, worst comes, I die of pneumonia or something of the likes.
Stupid Zack. Why couldn't you just be normal, like you used to be?
I guess I shouldn't hold anything against him, since I knew, once again, what I was getting into. I can't keep anyone anyway. Trent's too close, too soon. I will look when I'm there.
Three and a half months, now.
Half of May, and then June, July and August... Part of August. I'm excited. So excited to go. :D
I can't wait.
Let's see... rugby. I kicked my first conversion a little while ago, that was nice. We won the game. Now we're going to go try out for Stoney Creek.
:D I love rugby so much...
Sigh, though, on the guy thing. Only ugly guys seem to hang out at bars. What's up with that? I need to go find a place to find guys. We need a guy store. Definitely.
Haha. The only way to hang out with a good guy is to join a co-ed sport, and the only way to play well is to act like a guy--which, truthfully, I don't think that guys are impressed by a woman who's definitely stronger and probably more cunning.
EDIT: From now on, btw, BID means something along the lines of : Guy I'm seeing but not really in a relationship other than FB, but not a booty call; not a LTR or a STR because it may or may not be a little of all three; but not one in particular.
Therefore, Zack shall be known as BID1 simply because that's what he is. Ahahahaha. Haha. I love the mASF. Gorgeous people's minds on there. I also love acronyms...

May 13 2008

So, I played rugby today. WEKILLED! It rocked. I actually kicked a conversion. It also rocked. I was happy :D
And... Yep. That about sums up my night, except for the random guy who, aside from the obvious distrust of society, pretty hot. I was downtown having a beer with one of my buddies who had just shown me the lister block, which is supposed to be demolished, when some guy walking by caught my eye. I have this thing of late about keeping eye contact. I refuse to release it until I can't keep it and my stance-thereby keeping the power. Makes guys more intruigued. Well, he held mine and I held his, and as he walked by, he said to my buddy: "I'd fuck your girlfriend", to which I immediately replied, "I'd fuck me too."
That made my day.
Is that sad?

May 12 2008

So, I get the car!
Well, it won't be the bug I was looking at, but I'll go to res AND have a vehicle-because my dad got a different one:D
GO ME!
That's all. I'm tired, I just wante

April 28/08

Well, here's the honest to goodness up-to-the-minute- thought process:
So here’s the new one. I have no other place to keep a diary, since every other thing that I had one on happens to have downsides. Well. That’s not good since I need a place to write my innermost thoughts or else I get all confused and muddled and often depressed and then my work threatens to fire me. Since we know how bad that is, let me get this out.

I really think that that Baker boy is good looking. I don’t know how intelligent he is, but man, is he a nice something to look at. I walked into him in the office today-not intentionally, mind you, but *sigh* is my only point.
Do you know what, though? I think that when I’m around people that I find attractive, I get more aware of what I’m doing and what I look like and become really… aloof? I think the word would be. It’s really annoying and something to do to hide the stupid fear I feel around an attractive person because that’s what happens-it’s my survival mechanism. GAH!
I get all fake-confidence and annoying and “better than thou” and that’s what drives people away. It’s not like I’m afraid of the guy…wait. Who am I kidding? It’s exactly that. I’m terrified that he’ll dislike me, so I make myself cold enough that he won’t like me, so I’m not disappointed that he might not when he doesn’t. I hate what I am, a lot. That’s why I never fall in love with the people I’m with; it’s because if I’m dating them, then we’re only close enough to be friends and it could never go further.
Hem. I wonder…
The next time I see someone I like, I’ll smile at them instead of just being cold and nervous. Yes. I will. I will not only smile at them, I will also say “Hi, I’m Amy.” Because saying “Hi, I’m Amy and if you play your cards right and show some intelligence I might actually date you” sounds sort of… obnoxious. Okay, yes, really obnoxious.

Hem, this Pat Baker thing sort of lasted a long time. It’s probably because he’s that guy I don’t want to reach for, so I’m going to just admire from afar… I guess I am slightly afraid of him, because he hangs out with people I’ve never associated with and to go out with a guy from a different friend class means that I’ll have to start talking to the other group… Unless there’s a cool meshing of groups and we all just end up friends… Ha-ha.
Like that will ever happen. Like, in a million years, like. Never.

Maybe I should write a story on this. Hm.
Nifzeta and the good looking boy with dark hair walk into a bar and say ouch.
Ahhahahahahahahaahahahaahahahahaa*cough, cough*hahahahahaahahahahhahahahaahahaaaaaa*cough*hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah*sneeze*!
Right. Maybe. But anyway, that wasn’t the point of all this. The whole point is that I’m thoroughly disappointed in the number spelling mistakes (which are actually “Hems and just underlined. And the other whole point is that I’m a wimp and I’m too terrified to ask a guy out even though I’m really well versed in dating and mating and all that.
So. Next time I see him, I will introduce myself and I will talk to him, after I find out if he’s dating someone. Because he’s hot.
Or maybe I’ll just talk to him anyway. Even if I don’t know if he’s dating someone. I heard that he dated Natalie Scoccia (Sp?) last year, but that doesn’t mean much, as far as I’m concerned.
Man, he’s good looking.
Fits the bill for that dream man, too… except for the intelligence, unless he’s already taken smart courses while I was falling back to the dumb ones.

Then again, he doesn’t really make himself available at all… I think that was the first time that I’ve seen him this semester, even in the caf and hallways and places that are usually frequented. Then again, I know that I haven’t seen Tanner and the guys that Baker hangs out with often, either. That could be, though, because by the time that you hit returned grade 12, you’re old enough to know that the foyer isn’t cool to hang in…. it would be hilarious if that was where he hung out.
Haha, this sub’s hilarious. She’s wandering around the room watching what everyone’s doing to make sure we’rea ll doing work. Uh oh, I think that maybe Nolan’s back. I was…nope. Some gym teacher with no hair.
Damnit! I wish I had have said something to Pat while we were in the office. It’s that three second rule about people. If, in the first three second of seeing them you don’t start hitting on them, you shouldn’t. Because after that you’ve psyched yourself out so much that you’re terrified of talking in the first place.
And then they walk past you even though they spent a good three seconds looking at you too.
Of course. *smacks self in head*.
Man, he’s good looking. I’m angry with myself for not saying something. Arghhhghghghg.
“Hi, I’m Amy. I don’t know you, but I’d like to.”
Is it really that hard? Is it? I so missed out on that. Gah.
And so I just spent some time doing that, and complaining how dumb I am, and how much of a wimp I am, and how awkward I am in society, I’m going to get back to my work so that Nolan doesn’t kill us all when he gets back and finds out we spent a half hour writing a diary labeled Stuff under the CommTech Folder of my homework. Yes. That’s exactly what I’m going to do, right as soon as I’m not terribly gah’ed about this thing.
Ah, man. He’s amazing looking, and tall, and has gorgeous hair. And he looks serious and really moody which could be because he’s never smiling… Sigh. Sigh in my head and out loud. *sigh*.
This stupid obsession thing’s not going so well for me. I always have… I don’t want to call “crushes” crushes because it sounds childish, but I guess that’s what this is, technically.

April 27 2008

I don't know why, but I am what I detest.
Goddamned Game. I hate you. I hate you and your powers over womens' psychological responses to everything.
I will not be obsessed over Zack, because although he is amazingly intelligent, he is also arrogant and uncaring.
I will not let myself be controlled by said game, and I will win. I don't care. I'm not playing at these loggets anymore, because I'm sick of it. If he wants to go out, he'd better damn well call me. I'm not trying anymore. I'm also going to go make some potential mate friends, because the current zip that I have (save for zack, who rises in my mind like fresh yeast every fricken day) isn't working for me. I need a fawning base or my powers are useless.
AGAHAHAHA. Yes, I'm insane. Yes, I have problems, but no, I will not change. I will just stop. Gah. I hate relationships. And I'm sure I know why I need this non-serious thing. Why can't I honestly do it? I mean, seriously. Clearly Zack has no interest in doing anything but me, but man, why couldn't he just be less confusing? One second, he'll be all hardcore male who wants one thing, and the next he'll be stroking my back or my hair in a non-threatening manner and bringing to rise the likes of feelings of being protected and happy that I haven't felt since backcatcher... who ended up being a case of obsession for me... for two long, pitiful years... not including the time spent BEFORE we dated. Urgh. I'm prone to this obsession thing, aren't I? I make myself want to puke. Or bring up the subject with Zack. Or both, at the same time.
I think it's unfair, though, because I could have had Zack, except there were other things that he found more important. And then he says he was stupid for shutting us down, and then he also lists how single he wants to stay. I hate people with no purpose or ambition. I also hate me for obsessing enough to write a blog about him when there's a perfectly hot pitcher talking to me about coming to a rugby practice or a lunch, and still wondering why I'm not good enough to make Zack want me.
God, I hate being me. I hate my thought processes. I hate my constant analysis of things. I hate how I have to be different. I hate that I can't follow a trend, I hate my uncertainty (Can anyone say hamlet?), I hate my need to be brave and unfeminine in anything more than physicality, I hate my competitiveness, I hate the stress I put on myself, I hate so much, and I still hate. I hate the way I will forever try to understand why I can't just be happy with myself and be who I am and accept that I might be or not be accepted.
I hate most of what makes me individual.

Someone left out this part of growing up. How do I deal with myself when I'm in this mood? Who teaches us how to be accepting and agreeable? I think I missed that lesson. I can accept the idea that somewhere, we share the world with everything. I understand the idea that I can't comprehend nothing or everything. I can even see that I am a minute speck in the overall everything of the world and existence itself. So why do I think at all? Why not just live life a speck, if that's all I am. Is there meaning? Because I don't think that Heaven is a good enough reason. I don't believe we have meanings, because that would mean that there's fate, and I don't think that I believe in fate. So, I suppose that it means that I believe that there's something I need to do, for me, and me alone. Not even to self-actualize and bring a child into the world. I don't know if I even have interest in that. Well, not now anyways. I'm only nineteen.

I think I'm schizo. I think I might have multiple personalities. Or at very least bi-polar. I have very different sides and a good acting skill to cover what I can't pass off. I hate me. I want to give up. Sleep it is.

Good night, then. Sleep well, and don't let the bedbugs bite.
~Nifzeta

April 21 2008

Aah. I'm in a good mood today for no particular reason. My laptop currently has a virus-ish-non-virus on it, so I can't actually use it. I'm at school right now, which kind of sucks, but I guess that's okay. I knew it would suck, and was prepped for it already. I worked all weekend. Didn't do anything interesting. Had a great conversation at school lunch today... it trasversed over several points of interest that I honestly had to get in on... So I did. That took like, an hour of my life. I miss doing stuff like that. Awesome discussions that last so long you don't even know where the day went... I miss Westmount for that. It was a nice school, with intelligent people, and the best part was that there was always a reason to study.
I am a competitive person. I have always been so.
And I just realized it.
I thought that when I hit rugby, I just got competitive. No, it's not true. I've always competed for highest marks. Then I met Backcatcher and no longer had to compete. But it wasn't because of him, it was something that I realized when I was with him: I didn't like how stressed I was all the time. I am a high-stress person.
And when I'm not, I'm irritable and unlikable.
So, the choice is: Mellow and irritable loner or high stress and slightly excited all the time.
I think I liked it better when I would pick up a random book for the sake of reading, and enjoying knowing more than everyone else. Yeah.
I like the competition that I have to beat. Lauren left, I can't compete with her anymore... but Michelle in photography, I can beat her.
In art, I'm not really doing it to beat anyone, though, because I like art for art. Though, when I got angry, or tired, I did better. So, I think I'll put off art till I feel like artsy. What else? English? Well, I rock English when I want to. I don't even have to work hard. So, I figure, if I just show up and do my work, I'll kill the class and be done with it.
As for my comtech class... i don't know. It's computers, and I guess I kinda like it... but I'm not interested in everything, only components. So... I'll work on it, but there's no challenge, at all.
Anyway, the whole point of this was that I learned that I need to be stressed to be happy. If there's no problem, I'm uncomfortable, because there's nothing to do. That means that it's about time I returned to my roots. It's time that I stop being all "Depressed Nifty" and get back into intelligence.
I also realized that I can't stand stupid people, and I think my choices of mates has proven that. I'm single. Does that give you an idea...?
Then again, I can't say I don't enjoy the idea of fooling around with a random football player, because they're always the hot ones. eh? Eh? Anyone else up for a hot rugby/football/basketball(hey, they're tall...not always good looking, but they are tall)/track&field player?
I am... That's for sure. Just not in a date-date-relation. I hate it when I'm conversing with myself.
It happens all the time at my house; I'll be talking about some hugely pointless topic (beezlebufo, eg?) and everyone just blanks me out. Now, I have a habit of jumping from idea to idea, and important stuff gets mixed in with the simple theorizing, and then everyone who blanks me out after a minute (everyone) all miss the important thing I just said. Usually it's about me working, or other stuff.

But, yeah... So... Yeah. I like intelligent conversations. They make me think. I like thinking. Thinking is productive. I think I need to go read some literature. :D
Or work on my commtech.

April 13 2008

So yesterday...last night...way early this morning, I went out with Alyssa and her friends in Welland... Her girlfriends... We were a group of four over nineteen-but-still-not-old and we were all pretty darn good looking, if I do say so myself. One of her friend's mom was the designated driver, so we went to Niagara Falls and to a strip club called Pepper Mints.
OMG.
That's right, I spoke IM.

And then I decided that while I am single, I am going to start hitting on pretty boys. I mean, I totally get that the guys at the club who were working there are just after money, and have no interest in me, but there were like, two who kept sidling by me shooting me looks like "I'll give you a lapdance, baby."
*sigh*
The only thing that I found really took anything away from the experience was the fact that my overlogical brain (No thanks to Zack who introduced me to the logical way of thinking about PUAs) decided to completely take everything that they did apart and try to understand or pinpoint what they were doing and why. And how people would react. But these guys, I'm sure, would be better off learning the game. I think one might be a natural, but he didn't use all of the techniques. I paid for that one.
Oh, I also noticed that a girl, a girl who is stripping does not need to act. She does not need to be a character. She can slowly, coyly remove her clothes and a man will be happy.
A guy on the other hand, the guys all played standard female fantasies. I went to centre stage with the guy who acted as the dirty doctor, because I value intelligence, overall in a man and the mere idea of an intelligent male who definitely has a chiseled, rock-hard set of abs just drives me over the edge. Or a rich, intelligent businessman, or a sexy intelligent linguistics major...You get the point. Intelligence is nice. Very nice. But so's a body that's not flubby. And I actually learned that it didn't matter how much they weighed as long as I could see some form of a nice ass. Wait, can I say ass on blogger? I guess so. I think I've done it before.
Yeah, so I learned a lot about my preferences. Especially when I was getting the lapdance onstage. That was fun. The girls thought I looked like I needed a lapdance, so they bought me one. Which technically was, like, six, because I was onstage and all the guys who stripped were giving me one.
That was hot.
And it's not my fault if they have scratchmarks. I'm particularly uncontrollable when I am being touched, and those guys were hot. The one guy grabbed my hair and yanked it back and kissed my neck:D I'll take that any day. I just can't remember who it was.
I also noticed that aside from my group and one other, the large majority of the rest of the strip club was old, and really heavy. I had an awesome time, but I know I could go anywhere and pretty much pick up a guy(which I didn't do yesterday).
But some of these women looked starved for male attention. I mean, they were like, pawing them, and doing things that I think might have gone a little far.
All these ladies could solve that by dressing better. They looked a little too interested to be trouble to pick up in real life (that's right, I know that a strip club's all pretend. And just think, Some people have no idea. That's kinda sad. I know. I was like "Gah! Why can't we find guys like this in real life?" and silver's like "What do you mean? This is real life!"
Well. No, it's not. These guys said the same thing, line for line when they were trying to make me buy a lapdance. I think the one guy did the "ignore the girl you want and talk to her friends thing" and clearly it worked. I did want a lapdance, though. But these guys were like, "Where are you from?" "hamilton" "Oh, the Hammer?"
Two or three of them used the same opener, down to the timing.
Sad, but true.
I think they need a PUA in there. I think PUAs should just all become strippers. It would be easier to give my money away. :D

April...7th? 2008

Ooh, I like boys sometimes. I actually think that stupid psychology, which I used to be so good at recognizing, can be used on me.
It's true.
So, I went out today after school with this... buddy, we shall say (no more using his name I'm afraid). And, so we went to the brow, which I thought would be a nice safe walk. And we did walk, for like, a whole two hours. Up and down the trail and then back to his place, and then yeah. Then we sat (and by we I mean he) and played guitar at his house and ended up in several precarious positions, although I swear I never removed more than my sweater because it was getting hot in there. Anyway, so he also let me actually TOUCH his bass guitar which was cool (:D) because backcatcher never let me so much as touch any of his musical instruments... In fact, uh... (man, I really need a nickname for him) actually showed me part of the bass line for a queen song.
So Cool! Anyway, so I'm so happy now, conflicted with the odd string of frustration and confusion. You see, he does things sometimes that are so soft and so... awwww... but not all the time, so I do my damnedest to get him to do those little things... Which has efficiently given me that stupid obsession thing. I always want to beat him at his own game, regardless of the game. Always. And he never calls when I want him to, and when I do see him he does this push pull thing that works like nothing I've ever seen before working. I mean, I thought I was immune, but I wasn't. And even though I know the rules, I can't really change how I think about things... Maybe, though, I don't want to. I like being what I am, and I like being attracted to him the way I am. I like him for who he is on one half, as well as for how well he does everything on the other. I respect him more than I could probably respect so many other people... and the best damn part is that he could kick my ass in any intellectual conversation, and he's so much faster in replies.
I don't know. I just found someone who doesn't want a relationship. Which I guess is nice, because then I go to Trent in the fall, and that's the end of that. But a good summer of this is definitely on my list. And although I won't be exclusive unless he starts that conversation, I will not really fall for anyone else, I don't think. So, technically I'm exclusive, I just have the freedom to not be. And that choice, that choice is what makes me so comfortable where I am. In a relationship, I have no choice, no scapegoat, no black and white. I can't turn tail and run and then come back; it's standard and half the time, the lust turns into something that kind of reminds me of boredom. Okay, it is boredom. And then, from there, I basically fall into stagnation, and that's the end of that. I'm done with that one. This, on the other hand, gives me both freedom and stability, and I think that that is what I need most.
And that, as they say, is that.

April 6 08

Wow, I never really realized how much I love music.
Music, all the time. I always have a song running through my head. It's kind of sad, actually. It doesn't matter about the song; it could be really random.
Right now, I'm on to Alive-Pearl Jam (well, my media player says it's pearl jam, but once it also told me that the cat's in the cradle song was by led zeppelin... We all know that's damn near impossible.)
So, anyway, I love music. That was the point of this whole blog. I love it! And, so over the summer I bought a four-gig music player, an RCA lyra. Which I listened to.
Every day.
Constantly.
Never-endingly.
It was always in my ears.
Hot Patootie- Meat Loaf as Eddie from Rocky Horror
So, then it got destroyed. But that's totally cool, because I really have limewire on my laptop all the time and it's always a player. Or Media Player by Microsoft. It's all good. I always have my laptop. But a few times lately- okay, all last week, I had to be at work at four, which means I can't bring my laptop, because it's too heavy to jog home with, and I'm terrified of ruining this one. So, then, I have to go an entire day without music, and I have episodes in the cafeteria at lunch where I'm outwardly singing MY OWN music. Not stuff I wrote, but I'll randomly break into the middle of Bohemian Rhapsody...
"thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me...."
And then people look at me funny, because I also don't have earphones on. But soon, that will change, because I WILL buy an ipod which holds 20 000 songs and maybe a movie or two (dirty dancing and maybe even bring it on and ten things I hate about you-oh, and of course, Sweeny Todd).

And furthermore, I've been attempting to learn guitar to kick Zack's ass when we hang out next time. I'm going to learn transition if it kills me-and my fingers, and my sleep pattern.
hahahaha...who needs sleep?
When you were young-the Killers

The whole point of this was, that there are most definitely not enough music websites on the internet, where you could just find lists and lists of songs that are all connected. I know so much music that I can't remember it all. I hear a song and I'm like, "I like this song". And then I forget that I heard it because I was so busy singing Meat Loaf that it just left my head.
Devil's Dance Floor-Flogging Molly

And, maybe, just maybe, on my free time, I'll make a lovely little blogger with all my music listed... Okay, maybe I'll make it in parts, because there's no way I'd be able to fit it all on here. Hm... this might take some thinking.
But it will be interesting. That's for sure.
Mambo Swing-Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

April 4, 2008.

I am officially addicted to youtube... check out my new vlogs. Woot for vlogs. Noobs.
http://www.youtube.com/user/nifzeta
It rocks my socks. It's like a blog, only on film. Coolio.
No more typing. Except now I have to type and video blog.
Because I can't possibly leave writing.

March 31, 2008

So, I've just decided to update since I don't do anything other than sleep at one fifteen in the morning, and also decided that sleeping was for wussies. So, of course, what do I do?
Put on my orange pyjamas-the purple ones are in the laundry- and settle down for a good hour of annoying homework. Then, I hunker down for an upload to youtube-I promised everyone a whole bunch of vlogs. I hope it's working, 'cause it's still not done. Then I talk to four or six or eight people online-trust me, I didn't start the conversations. I really wanted to go to bed. So I decided to practise guitar so I can kick... I can't remember his nickname because it has nothing to do with baseball... Zack's butt in guitar the next time I see him... or at least prove I can play a G chord. So for a half hour or more I listen to "Wheat Kings" by Tragically Hip(Good song, by the way.) And then I check my email, and go to facebook for a last minute check, and then I notice that someone on faceparty messaged me, and so I reply, and then two more people talk to me. And then I was just like, what the heck? I'm already in for the long haul of stupid, pointless, dumb wastes of time on the net, why not update the blog that only two people used to read, which probably got reduced to only one, sporadically.
And so now, I'm still online, doing what I'm good at which is wasting valuable "me" time on silly things like this.
Woot?
I think I should pull out Braveheart and watch it for... giggles. Why not? And while I'm at it, I could pull out one of my long, boring novels. Does anyone have an anthology of Shakespeare's Works? I'm sure I could spend some time on that one.
And, hey! I could pull out the food 'cause I'll be hungry in twenty minutes, no doubt!
And, look! Right back to the email.

I have the feeling that this is going to be one long night.

March 27, 2008

AARGHGHGHG...H.

In my opinion, I give up. I don't care. Yeah. It sounds so sweet, and, yeah, I know that that's a song. I know it. I know the words.
pick it. Man, I love the nature of this, the horrific details and all that, but it's too uncomfortable for me to be in it. I can't deal with this, and I just realized that I'm stuck in the middle. I heretofor remove myself from the mess. Fix it. I don't care. I know what I want, I know what I should want, and I've made it clear to you. You have the last move, or the other two of us are in limbo, and she doesn't even know that she is! And, you can be damn sure I'd converse with her if I ever ran into her on the street. I would even introduce myself. But I would never tell her anything you told me. I don't even think that I'd mention our pool outings. I wouldn't say I was your ex, even, because that could be bad. But I'd have a good long conversation with her.
The good news is, I've figured out which song I'm learning to play on my guitar first.
The Lips of an Angel-Hinder
Do you know what gets me, though? I think that you're still hung up about this, I don't think you got over our breakup. That's fine. That's fine. But I made you leave when it was us. I did not make you stick around in limbo, I never, ever could have done that. I did not like giving up perfection. And then I knew that to force you to stay would do more damage than forcing you to hate me. Do you want me to make you hate me again? Because I can. I could do it. I wouldn't believe what I was saying, but I could. All you have to do is tell me to do it.
Just, please, please, make up your mind.

I hate being confused. I have resorted to this:
What I've Done- Linkin Park
Yeah. You know I've been upset when: The song playlist changes to Linkin Park. I even tried to pull out the good ol' standbye of Numb, but it just didn't go so well, because I am anything but numb. You know what I feel? I feel like something is supposed to happen; I feel like whatever comes next will be the biggest thing that could possibly have happened so far, because I don't believe I've ever felt this strongly that "something" is going to go on, and soon. I feel lit more now than all week. Frigg.
Crawling-Linkin Park
I almost feel it strongly enough to pull out the tarot cards. Damn. I haven't needed them in a long time, and I might sway them with my mind... but I'll be good. I promise.
All I need- Radiohead
Tarot cards it is, now that I've got my breathing in check...and my mind out of the gutter. But I think I'll put it back in there later, I rather enjoyed the show. Memories serve better than anything. Damn.
Hungry Eyes-Dirty Dancing Soundtrack
The problem with tarot is that you need the right question. I don't know what to ask that won't make me feel guilty? How about, would it work out? But that's assuming anything happens. It might never go anywhere. And then the box said: "Shut up". So I did.
So: What is going to happen?
1. Cups (Ace)-Rebirth. Relinquish and enjoy the new cleanliness of life.
2. Wands (Nine)- We will know our subconscious and it will make us insecure and agitated but excited. Be your own leader, make a decision that you've been truly decided on.
3. The Wheel of Fortune- A warning not to adopt an attitude that will only get you past the one problem, don't select sections of your life to look at. Look at the whole thing and use what you know to be what you need to be in life as a whole. Pay attention to long term.
4. Death- Something has come to an end. Either sadness or joy will erupt, and you are the one who needs to decide if there is something to change about the ending. Yet the reaper also has a harvest and will bring something in. And this is a direct quote: "Let go, in order to finish everything that is out of date, false, nonessential and fruitless. Let go completely so that you may harvest that which is ripe and worthwhile." What's right? What's wrong? What could be changed? How can you go about doing this?
5. Wands (Ace)- Vitality. Renewal through use of energies. Change indifference and take fire in your hand so that you can live and grow beyond old limitations, but you must embrace everything to do so.



Now, the first thing that came to your mind after reading that, the first idea that came out of that, there's the answer. That's what you need to do, because that's what it said: We will know our subconscious. That's your subconscious.

Only Women Bleed- Alice Cooper
Angry Chair- Alice in Chains
Girlfriend- Avril Lavigne
Rebel Yell- Billy Idol


The good news is, it's well past my birthday this time around... And don't worry. I don't feel slighted. I get it. I lost this game. I'm a pretty fair sport, I suppose. I'll just have to, as it says: Change indifference and take fire in your hand so that you can live and grow beyond old limitations, but you must embrace everything to do so. I can do that. I'm young and I spring back well. Being single hasn't killed me yet. Made me a little more interested in looking at man butts, but that's about it.

Changes-Black Sabbath

Who knows? Maybe what we want is what we can't have, and you're a little more like me than you bargained for. I apologize for rubbing off on you, because it sucks in the end.

I told you I know you.

And now, for the cold shower and the transference of imagined subjects. A.K.A. Time to stare at a wall..or into space...or something that I can just take a break from my rapidly moving neurons so I can have some peace and quiet.

March 27 2008

So, I, Ever the geek, have found an interesting tidbit. Apparently it isn't too well known, because so many people are more likely to gossip about what that senator who slept with the prostitute is up to or the fact that Brangelina's related to Hilary and Obama...
No. My geeky tidbit is the best one I've personally heard in a long time.
They found water on one of Saturn's moons. Now, they're thinking that there is a potential heat spring beneath the surface of this little celestial body, Enceladus may actually have liquid water and therefore a potential for life!
Isn't that cool? Then we wouldn't be the only discovered-by-us- living things in the world as we know it.
Wow. Just found something out. Did you know we can't 'see' planets beyond a certain point? It's true. So now, what? Everyone tells their kids that there's no such thing as aliens, but what if THEY'RE LYING???
Going back to Enceladus, there's a hot spot at the southern pole that allows it to have a potential for a life. It also has something of an atmosphere.
Oh, man. It's so exciting to hear news like that since they knocked Pluto off the Solar System Heavenly Bodies list. I loved Pluto. It kicked Neptune's ass. Totally. And Mercury's. Definitely not Saturn's or Uranus' though. Those planets are my homies.
Hahaha. I think I'm going to make a solar system chart of small-scale for when I go away to school in the fall. And Then I'll put it up on a wall someone so everyone knows just how nerdy I am. Don't mess with the nerd-chick.
That would rock my socks.
And so, I suppose I could stop talking now, but I won't.
Did you know that in Spain they also found the continent's oldest human bone? It was a jaw bone of homo (okay, stop giggling) antecessor. This relation could be something related to both Neanderthals and Humans. (Another missing evolution? Or just a hoax?)
Anyway, they're saying it's 500 000 years older than the oldest known human remains found on that entire continent. It's about 1.3 million years old.
Think how long a million years old is. These bones have existed that long.
Really. there's:
1 Year. A baby should be making noises and stuff.
10 Years. A kid should be rollerblading and going to school by this time.
100 Years. We're dead, mostly. (Or are we mostly dead?)
1000 Years. Assuming there's a new generation every twenty years, there've been 50 generations of people. 50.
10000 Years. Entire geological changes are made. Look at the ice age. Look at global warming, which is only taking forty or fifty years. That could severely damage any chance of surviving fossils.
100000 Years. Now, come on. Can you even THINK of how much time this is? What happened a hundred thousand years ago? I don't even know... let's see... it was called the Pleistocene Epoch... All those fun, huge, death-inducing animals were around. Mammoths, Sabre-toothed tigers, giant sloths... you know, all that fun, scary stuff. YAY!
1000000 Years. This is a million. This is only one million. Add on the rest of the years to make it 1.3 million is crazy. Fire was still relatively new**, apparently. Like, hellloooo! That's a friggen long time!

Now, that's all fine and dandy, except for the people who said that the timing of humans leaving their Africa was one thing when clearly, we have a human being who left just a wee bit earlier. These remains are said to bear resemblence to a fossil dug up from Soviet's Georgia (ooh, it was his brother!)

You know, I'd like to be found, hundreds of thousands or even millions of years from now. That would be cool. It was the Mesozoic era... ish. Well, the end of it, and closer to the beginning of the Cretaceous era. There were still dinosaurs, I'm assuming, since the next section won't start until 66 Ma (Million Years Ago).
And they would have lived through the ice age and all that, I'm thinking.
Yeah, that would be..cool. Hahahaa. Cool. I made a funny. :D
Anyway, seriously, I totally like that idea. Let's do it. Someone build me a time machine!


** You have to assume that every single day, us humans are "discovering" More and more about the past, so this will NOT be completely accurate...Hahaha. It'd be funny to read a caveman's journal:
Today, I woke up to the mate snoring in my face. Of course, she stole all the Mammoth-skin--again. So, I walked out of our cave, and past the mastadon, and decided that today I would go for a walk to the river. Well, on my way there, it began to rain, thunder and lightning. Stupid weather. I'd been working on that scum for a month and a half.
Anyway, the lightning struck a tree and the most interesting thing happened: It lit up! Just BOOM! FLASH! PCSHWAAA! FAWOOF! Yes, that is how it sounded. And then, I walked over to the strange flickering, and stuck my hand in it.
As my mate was cleaning the owwie, she said I'm as dumb as a bird, especially since I spent all my hunt time on getting that flat rock rolling. One day I'll show her. One day I'll be right...

March 25th 2008

I just realized what I want in life. Overall, I want passion.

How could I have not known that? It’s obvious! All the books I read, all the movies I watch, they’re all about being passionate about something. And after every movie I watch, I feel the same longing for the feeling of passion that the characters have…
I love to dance, I love rugby, I loved cheerleading… I fall deeply in love until it becomes something that’s a ritual, done because I have to. The passion fizzles out and I lose my interest. Why is it that I am like that? Will I ever be able to lose that longing, because it makes my life a living hell?
It’s what I’ve needed. I have passion for other things, when I have no where else to put it, ‘else I wouldn’t fight so hard for things I don’t particularly believe in. I need someone passionate. I need to find what I’m looking for, and soon or else, I’m in trouble.
Oh, god, now I’m confused as hell…and lost…and longing for something that I haven’t found yet. I have to go and find something to get my mind off the problem. Alcohol, here I come. I need to paint.
I need passion in my life, because if I don’t have something to love, be obsessed with, I’m just not happy, am I? Maybe that’s why it took so long to get Dyl out of my head, because he was as passionate as I was about a few things… He loved his guitar as much as I loved books; he loved sex as much as I did. He loved touching as much as I did.
Oh, lord, oh lord.
I am so screwed.

(The previous was my personal on-computer-diary input from yesterday, and I just thought that it typified who I am a little better.)

March 24, 2008**rant warning**

I just realized that I really have been overestimating humans, and it's obvious when one searches something online. I searched crumping, which is a (slightly incorrect spelling, but I was pulling it from hearing it somewhere) form of dance, and pulled up a whole lot of really nasty-sounding people who said a whole lot of stuff that just didn't seem very nice. Well.
Then I was searching cheerleading because I'm an ex cheerleader and I like to keep up on the times, and here's the urban-dictionary link that I came up with:
(link)
Tell me that's not horrible! Now, I play rugby, which I'm sure everyone who's ever read any blog knows. And, admitted, it's a friggen hard sport to play. It causes people pain. But that doesn't mean anything. It's awesome, it's a sport.
I've also played baseball, which in my opinion, isn't a difficult sport. You don't need to be able to run, you don't need hand eye coordination; you need to be able to throw a fit and yell a little at the other team, and that's about it. I know, because that's how we play. Now, when you play seriously, like, where you're paying three hundred and fifty dollars to play on a shi...crappy team with nothing but whiney kids who complain because the last six pitches they threw were off., that's different. Now you're paying money to play a crappy sport.
Which I really do like, btw.
But when someone tells me that basketball is more of a sport than cheerleading, I can't help but laugh.
At them, not with them. Don't knock it till you try it. I'm telling you now, that it is one of the hardest sports I have EVER played, in my life. Not only do you need to be flexible, you also need to be able to count. How many football players can count?
Not that many, I know.
I danced for eight years, so I can count, but cheerleading is damn hard. You also have to smile like there's no tomorrow, and even when your school/team/ both suck, you have to cheer it on! You have to deal with practises that a basketball player would cry after, because you've just spent an hour standing on someone's hands. You've just run for long enough that breathing is a forgotten trick. You've just stretched so much that if your elbows aren't detatched, your spine sure as hell is.
Rugby is almost, but not quite, as bad.

And I don't think that any human being should knock something without trying it twice, because the first time might have been a fluke.

Thursday March 20, 2008

So, rugby finally had sign-ups today at school. I decided to join silver in a diet to take off the extra five, ten or fifteen (Depends on when the limit is hit, really, because I get really tired if I don't eat five hundred meals a day or I do too much excercise and lose too much weight) pounds. Anyway, it shouldn't be that hard, as long as I jog back and forth to school whilst chasing after my rugby ball-easy enough since I'm teaching myself to kick it. Yay?
I figure, I might as well attempt to learn something before the season starts. Actually, I'm particularily interested in learning the slide pickup we were supposed to know last year. I have a horribly dark, terrible secret: I can't slide. I can't slide in baseball, I can't slide in rugby... I just can't. I can't even just slide on my knees. I can't willfully throw myself at the ground and feel safe enough. I would rather do cartwheels than use a slip and slide. I am so terrified of sliding that it hurts to think about it.
There is a logical reasoning.
Once, twice, three or four or six times, and I'm sure I'm not done, I've twisted my ankles. Both. Yes. I have horrible ankles from dancing on improperly laid floors. Anyway, those really lazy ankles of mine aren't really weak, in fact they're strong-- they just twist all the time. It's probably because I'm a clutz. A huge clutz. I swear it.
Anyway, so last season, the coaches attempted to teach us to do this slide thing on grass. And I freaked. I can't even get to the point where I should tip my feet over. I mean, I understand the physics of it all, and the mechanics. Telling me over and over how to do it is NOT going to help. I understand how to do it. But getting up there and just DOING it, is so hard. I'm not afraid to run head-on at a three hundred pound "ogre", but I'm terrified of sliding on the grass. With socks on. Come to think of it, I'm not afraid to take on the biggest enemy around, weapon or not, but I can not muster up the courage to get past a knee-bend. I just... stop. Like, there's a level that I just can't jump, a barrier in my mind that "Damn, this is so dumb, why are you doing this?" that repeats like a mantra until I just give up.
Now, this is NOT my fear of leeches. That's a phobia. I just... blank. I can't think. I can't move. I can stand and stutter, and freak, but I can't control my actions.
But this, this slide thing, I've had guys try to show me how to slide for like, four years. That is one hell of a lot of lesson. I KNOW how to, I just CAN'T! I understand that you tip your bottom leg under, roll your shoe toe down, gracefully position to slightly skim calf, thigh and hip before bouncing back up. But to do it is a completely different thing. Once, I remember having half my baseball team try to show me how to slide, all at once.
I still can't slide.
I had private lessons with someone who's been sliding forever... okay, private lessons with like, three someones who've been sliding for, like, ever.
I still can't slide.
Last season of rugby, we spent nearly two hours on trying to learn to slide, I had the forward coach teach me right down to angles, how to slide.
I STILL can't slide.

But this season, I WILL learn how to slide. That is my season-long goal, to learn to slide in rugby, thereby gaining what will be useless knowledge on sliding in baseball, since I'm not playing this year; well, nothing but pickups...
But in rugby, I will learn, I will conquer this random fear and put it to rest somewhere else.

I, Nifzeta, hereby swear to work on sliding for as long as is deemed necessary to learn to slide; I swear to safety and other like concerns, as well as the jaunts into the men's changerooms. I mean, Ahem.
I swear that I will learn to slide in my rugby cleats, on grass, with intent to do so, and also, to be able to draw in the ball that has been placed on the pitch. I swear my honest ability in this are.

Anyway, now that I'm done this, I've decided that I'm terribly tired and it's time to go to sleep. Good night:D

March 14, 2008

P.S. (Pre Script: Anything written in Pink was what what came up on my limewire playlist. That's right, I'm so horrible that I use limewire. If you have a problem, I have two words, and one starts with an "f". Guess what they are.)

So.

You know those days when you come home from work and you're all just like "Ah, I think I'll relax... Let's have a drink..."

Well that's not helping. But I like peach schnapps a lot, so a few more glasses will do the trick. Actually, I think I'll work on the butter shots next.

I truly dislike confusing dramatic subjects. I do. I can't stand them... because now I'm sitting here, shaking my head going "what the hell?" Oh, and I'm enjoying my drink, and laughing at CollegeBFF who shall henceforth be named "silvermoon" for sake of ease of explanation... (wait, done my drink, need a new one.)(okay. I've drank my fill. I'm getting tired already. I need to build up my immunity to alcohol, 'cause I'm such a cheap drunk.)

I have the best date I've had in a long time A VERY long time--with an ex who's dating someone else.

Peachy.

And why aren't there more of him walking the world? (haha, I've heard that one about myself. Mr. West49-er at my school always says we need more of me in the world, because most women are too spazzy. Yay me.)

Why couldn't pitcher be simple, like me???

Hi, I'm nifty, nice to meet you. I think you're hot. Do me.

Or,

Hi, I'm nifty, nice to meet you. You're fugly, and you have no chance of EVER sharing my bed. Let's just be friends.

Seriously. Jeeze. No random insinuation and getting under my skin. No silly laying down potential railways only to derail the train. No silly pointless statements of could be.

Yes, I'll do you.

No, I will not do you.

In, out, easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.

Off faster than a dirty shirt in a monday wash. (haha, Mr. Archer rocks.) :D:D (Go photography. I love that class... Ooh, remembering that, I have eighteen shots on the camera and no babies or old people around. I might want to get onto my homework now... NO more drinking for Nifty tonight. Euw, I think I'm going to get some veggies to make even with the hundred billion calories I just DRANK.

Down with the Sickness-Disturbed

Anyway, so that's my life in a nutshell. Hell in a handbasket, for sure.

Candyman-Christina Aguilera

Aargh. Hi, I'm Nifty, do me.

Yeah, Sounds like fun. I'm in for that.

War and Pain-Voivod

What about that insane need for guy-attention. I woke up and actually put on makeup. Over the march break. Where I ran around all day. What the hell? I even showered!!! Aak.

Crazy Train- Black Sabbath

Anyway, Ain't got much more to complain about.
Ow, my shin hurts. I think I need new shoes.

Man, I feel fat.

Awww, rugby season won't start for another week or so:'(

Waaah! I got yelled at this morning.

I'm tired.

I'm hungry.

Ooh,,, Trent U. Rugby. Mmmmm... More butter Shots. Mmm.

March 4th, 2008.

Well, so, my life's gotten interesting.
And, yeah, I think that if everything were perfect I'd date Pitcher again. Long story short, he talked to me, freaked me out, I was worrying about it all night, for him to come over and say "nevermind" until I had to beat it out of him.
*sigh*
I don't know. Lately that's all I've wanted, was to talk to him again, because I was just so unhappy with what happened last time.
So unhappy, that I looked him up, and his phone number, and have it on my wall, in case I got the guts to call him.
But I didn't, and then he called me.
Now kiki's telling me "Go for it," But I'd feel bad saying yes, because then someone's going to get hurt--and it wouldn't be me, yet.
I couldn't do that to a girl, I'd feel guilty.
Besides, did anyone stop to think what it would be like to get into old habits again? "Yeah, I dated your son, destroyed a relationship, and I think I'll just try the dating thing again... so, how were the two years I wasn't around?"

March 1, 2008

So, today I went to see Footloose the Musical which was put on by the Junior troupe of Theatre Ancaster...? I hope. It was pretty good, I guess. There were a few really good lines used. I enjoyed it. I'd love to act in one, though. That would be fun.
So then I got home, and I sat for five minutes, and I have this horrible, horrible habit of playing with my earrings. I have, like, nine of them, two of which I had to repierce. Imagine that. That was actually baseball for you, I had to take them out on account of they're in my ears and they could get ripped out. So instead, I take them out and they get infected and heal over. Great, twenty wasted bucks.
So, I just pierced them myself.
Well, I was sitting here in my room, and I thought Oh, hell! I lost my favourite earrings, the comedy/tragedy mask! Only the one I had in my right ear though. And as I'm feeling around my ear and shoulder, thinking maybe it just fell out, I spotted it on the floor behind me. Whew! Then, I noticed that it looked much more solid than it should have, with a higher metal ratio. What the hell, it's back is still on! Now, confused, I reach up to my right ear and-sure enough- the hole that I pierced myself just ripped out. But it was the scar tissue that did, and it just...fell off. It was so weird. So I had to re-pierce the same hole--again.
But now, when you look at my right ear, I have a small piece of the edge missing. It's my own special scar...Coolio.