July 14, 2008

So, I've been really, really angry lately. I snap at everyone and anything that moves, I hate people and things, and I complain. All the time. More than usual. I'm starting to get angry with myself for being so angry all the time.
And then I realized why...

I'm sexually frustrated. I have never been frustrated for this reason before.
Ever. Seriously.

I can't even do anything to help myself out. I've tried, and it only makes it worse. I don't want to go find a diferent man, either. I can't. I tried. Not interested in the least bit, to tell you the truth. I have three or four guys... (hmm... lets see... three if you don't count the one who's trying to play me 'cause he still has a gf) who are all sitting around trying to get me to do stuff... and I can't. I just can't, and when I do, it's just... "Wow. This is boring. Heh. Kinda, like, meh. Wow. This sucks. Let's go see if I can stare a wall into oblivion."
Seriously. I have to actively think about flirting, and even then it sucks.

I haven't been this obsessed with a guy since backcatcher, my first real bf. And that took two or three years to get over. It was a while. Granted, this guy's a cooler guy, and he's nicer, and he's waaaaayyy more honourable, but damn! It makes me all the more confused as to why he's still single.
And that fact is why I'm so damn frustrated. No one else I've met since I met him has lived up to his whole self. Hell, none have even matched up a section of his personality. They just don't make 'em like this guy's made. But, damned if I don't spend every day thinking about him. All the time. And it frustrates the hell out of me, because I'm not a forward person once I've learned them. And I'm afraid that if I open up, he'll be like "pfft" and blow me off. Or, worse, will feel guilty or something like that for making me feel like this.
I'm so weirded. A girl at work said I should make him cookies. It's a brilliant idea, because he's an eater. But... I don't want to have to coax him. I want him to want me.
Haha, Cheap Trick song.
"I want you to want me,
I need you to need me;
I want you to want me,
I need you to need me..."

Also related:
"For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder"
-Hey Jude, The Beatles.

Because that's what I did... I acted all cold and uncaring, because that's how I am with guys who don't want to go anywhere, but sometimes I wonder if I just didn't make everything worse for myself by doing it. I mean, I hate scenes since that first bf breakup which was a huge scene... and I'll never do it again. I think I made a pact with myself that I will be the one who comes out on top when the guy or I decides it's over. Since backcatcher, I haven't really made a scene. A few tears quietly shed once I've left, and I'm good. But, damn it if I don't just act like a statue, and maintain body distance.
When he left on that last day, I just wanted to touch him or kiss him... I think I'm terrified of making a fool of myself, though. We did hug, but... I don't know. I just wanted more than that. I mean, we did go camping together. Just us. Alone. For nearly four days.

Gah.

I think I really miss him. I hope he feels something for me. Enough to avoid his band for a day once he gets back and to spend some time with me.

Is it too much to hope for? Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Maybe. I don't know. I can't know. I'll just have to make a fool of myself, I guess, because I'd rather know that he wants nothing to do with me then not. I mean, at least if I know he doesn't want to see me anymore, it won't be this horrid limbo that I'm in right now:
"does he even think about me?" "Will he even know me?"
"Will he care enough to listen?" "What if... he doesn't like me?" "What if I was just rebound?" "What if, what if, what if..." (It's horrid to write this, because it means I am insecure after all. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Plus, I don't think he'd forget me, it's only a month. Only.)

Anyway, I'm sexually frustrated, and if you have a problem with it, sue me. I'll go jump his bones and then be happy for another month. Once more at the end of the summer when he gets back again and I'll be pleased.
Or I can just kind of hope he doesn't go away in August... It's a plausible hope. Kinda sucks for him, then, but I'll be selfish in my own blog (as well as truthful) and say that I really, really miss him and hope he doesn't go away again.
I want him to stay, I want him to be with me, and I want him to like it. I would probably travel back to my city every weekend from school just to spend a few nights with him. Hell, I'd come and get him, drive him to my dorm, and drive him home every weekend if it meant he'd stay with me.

Hell. I hate this uncertainty thing. It's not really good for my heart, I'm sure. If I have a heart attack, blame Chakiz.