March 27, 2008

AARGHGHGHG...H.

In my opinion, I give up. I don't care. Yeah. It sounds so sweet, and, yeah, I know that that's a song. I know it. I know the words.
pick it. Man, I love the nature of this, the horrific details and all that, but it's too uncomfortable for me to be in it. I can't deal with this, and I just realized that I'm stuck in the middle. I heretofor remove myself from the mess. Fix it. I don't care. I know what I want, I know what I should want, and I've made it clear to you. You have the last move, or the other two of us are in limbo, and she doesn't even know that she is! And, you can be damn sure I'd converse with her if I ever ran into her on the street. I would even introduce myself. But I would never tell her anything you told me. I don't even think that I'd mention our pool outings. I wouldn't say I was your ex, even, because that could be bad. But I'd have a good long conversation with her.
The good news is, I've figured out which song I'm learning to play on my guitar first.
The Lips of an Angel-Hinder
Do you know what gets me, though? I think that you're still hung up about this, I don't think you got over our breakup. That's fine. That's fine. But I made you leave when it was us. I did not make you stick around in limbo, I never, ever could have done that. I did not like giving up perfection. And then I knew that to force you to stay would do more damage than forcing you to hate me. Do you want me to make you hate me again? Because I can. I could do it. I wouldn't believe what I was saying, but I could. All you have to do is tell me to do it.
Just, please, please, make up your mind.

I hate being confused. I have resorted to this:
What I've Done- Linkin Park
Yeah. You know I've been upset when: The song playlist changes to Linkin Park. I even tried to pull out the good ol' standbye of Numb, but it just didn't go so well, because I am anything but numb. You know what I feel? I feel like something is supposed to happen; I feel like whatever comes next will be the biggest thing that could possibly have happened so far, because I don't believe I've ever felt this strongly that "something" is going to go on, and soon. I feel lit more now than all week. Frigg.
Crawling-Linkin Park
I almost feel it strongly enough to pull out the tarot cards. Damn. I haven't needed them in a long time, and I might sway them with my mind... but I'll be good. I promise.
All I need- Radiohead
Tarot cards it is, now that I've got my breathing in check...and my mind out of the gutter. But I think I'll put it back in there later, I rather enjoyed the show. Memories serve better than anything. Damn.
Hungry Eyes-Dirty Dancing Soundtrack
The problem with tarot is that you need the right question. I don't know what to ask that won't make me feel guilty? How about, would it work out? But that's assuming anything happens. It might never go anywhere. And then the box said: "Shut up". So I did.
So: What is going to happen?
1. Cups (Ace)-Rebirth. Relinquish and enjoy the new cleanliness of life.
2. Wands (Nine)- We will know our subconscious and it will make us insecure and agitated but excited. Be your own leader, make a decision that you've been truly decided on.
3. The Wheel of Fortune- A warning not to adopt an attitude that will only get you past the one problem, don't select sections of your life to look at. Look at the whole thing and use what you know to be what you need to be in life as a whole. Pay attention to long term.
4. Death- Something has come to an end. Either sadness or joy will erupt, and you are the one who needs to decide if there is something to change about the ending. Yet the reaper also has a harvest and will bring something in. And this is a direct quote: "Let go, in order to finish everything that is out of date, false, nonessential and fruitless. Let go completely so that you may harvest that which is ripe and worthwhile." What's right? What's wrong? What could be changed? How can you go about doing this?
5. Wands (Ace)- Vitality. Renewal through use of energies. Change indifference and take fire in your hand so that you can live and grow beyond old limitations, but you must embrace everything to do so.



Now, the first thing that came to your mind after reading that, the first idea that came out of that, there's the answer. That's what you need to do, because that's what it said: We will know our subconscious. That's your subconscious.

Only Women Bleed- Alice Cooper
Angry Chair- Alice in Chains
Girlfriend- Avril Lavigne
Rebel Yell- Billy Idol


The good news is, it's well past my birthday this time around... And don't worry. I don't feel slighted. I get it. I lost this game. I'm a pretty fair sport, I suppose. I'll just have to, as it says: Change indifference and take fire in your hand so that you can live and grow beyond old limitations, but you must embrace everything to do so. I can do that. I'm young and I spring back well. Being single hasn't killed me yet. Made me a little more interested in looking at man butts, but that's about it.

Changes-Black Sabbath

Who knows? Maybe what we want is what we can't have, and you're a little more like me than you bargained for. I apologize for rubbing off on you, because it sucks in the end.

I told you I know you.

And now, for the cold shower and the transference of imagined subjects. A.K.A. Time to stare at a wall..or into space...or something that I can just take a break from my rapidly moving neurons so I can have some peace and quiet.