December 25th, 2008

Wow, Christmas was really proliferant this year. I got two nutcrackers, and like, 8+4 pairs of socks. It made my life. I also got a keg coffee mug. who doesn't want one of those?
"No, I swear professor, it's just tea!"
Haha. And I got a chair-back that is purple. And apparently, a rugby ball that my mum forgot. Again. :D I have like four now! It's getting awesomer. I have a team's worth of rugby balls, and I will never run out. They're all different, too. It's cool. :D
Umm... School. I've changed my major. I will now go for business. I might look at accounting.
I don't know.
Anyway. Gotta go. Busy, busy day.

December 1, 2008

I have no problems in life right now. My life is perfect.
I don't have any complaints. I'm mostly passing everything in school. I've developed a method for eating in the cafeterias so that I don't puke all over and don't feel sick directly afterwards. I have successfully secured a place in the university. I'm definitely not a rookie, after this year (even though rookie night left me with THREE distinct bruises on my right knee and a scratch on my chin, and I was brought home by a friend on the team who was much, much more sober than I, and she got her boyfriend, and they got mine at my drunken request, but mine didn't mind... or at least that's what he said.) I am content, for the most part, except that I'm heading home for three weeks on the thirteenth from dorm where I have spent every night of the last month with my boyfriend(although we kind of requested of each other that we don't really use those terms because of the pressure that they put on us which is silly because we say it all the time anyway), pretty much. We don't separate a lot. Just when I go to the gym, or when one of us has a class, or goes home, or has a rookie night... and then I come home drunk anyway, and beg for him to come and make me feel warm because I'm freezing.
Anyway, yes. I generally am having a really good life.
I'm semi-passing, I'm not too stressed with so many languages. I don't know how Kichasnano does it, but he'll keep doing it, I'm sure. And I'll be sitting there going, "What does this mean?"
He says "Te amo" alot. I like "Ego te amo" better, and probably will always, simply because it's what I remember. Anyway, in case you didn't catch that, it's latin. "ego" means "I". And the rest should be obvious if you know French/Latin/Spanish.
I think that It's necessary for me to say that as perfect as my life is, I'm not overly happy, and I'm not excessively obsessed with Kichasnano... which, I think, might be healthy. I'm content. I could win the lottery, but I don't know if that would change my life much. I'd move out of dorm, I'd make Christmas awesome and buy everyone really cool presents and pay off their stuff, and I'd pay off school for the next five years. Then I'd get a job and put the rest of the money towards fixing my parents' house and grandparents' house.
Anyway, I'm saying that I'm comfortable, and feel...right.
If I don't say anything till then, Happy Christmas.

November 7, 2008

Today is an interesting day. I think I've decided about my plan of action. I hate it when I make decisive decisions, but it's gotten to the point where I just can't deal with idiocy any more, and I really just want to know.
I hate men. They cause so much strife. Well. I suppose I haven't got much to say again. Just going along with life, doing my homework and writing novels for NanoWrimo.
Excerpt:

Shrieking in fear, she pounded on the roof of the box that she was trapped within. To her horror, it fit her like a second glove, perfectly mimicking her body’s slender size and boyish shape. The inner surface that she lay upon was smooth and silky, much like the shirt was that she had worn to her work’s last Christmas party, but in the pitch blackness she could not see if the color was anything like the blouse.

Mmm... I'm going to go watch Footloose now. It's one of the best movies ever invented, I have to admit. Then after that, I'm going to watch RHPS. The other best movie ever invented. :D

November 5, 2008

As was said to my friends online at midnight-ish?
Remember, Remember
The Fifth of November...

:D So I fell asleep at one thirty in the morning watching V for Vendetta.
It's a good movie, but we won't get into why.
Too much debate.
Now I'm in a really good mood for no particular reason. I just decided though, that were I a star who acted in generally accepted movies by the public, I would keep a copy of everything I did and use it as a game plan for the next one. "Oh, I did this wrong here, I could do better by..." And improve as I went. I mean, clearly, I'm an awesome actress(snicker, snicker)already, so I don't know why I'd need to improve...
:P
Yeah, they'd never let me onto a big hit. I could do a big Canadian Hit, but they're only B movies that you watch when you really have nothing else to do and all the shows are taken off by some crappy American Debate over who's gonna be the next president.
Just a little bitter about that.

Anyway... Uh... Yeah. Okay. I'm done for the day.

October 29, 2008

Hey! This is my hundredth post! Time to celebrate *dances* woohoo!
Success at its finest! I mean, who else in their right minds would be excited about the honour of sitting at a desk for long enough to have written a hundred posts while single-handedly ignoring homework, social time, AND cleaning?

In other news...
I decided, yesterday, that next semester I would make my life a little easier and retreat from my previously chosen section of learning. I definitely switched out of Latin and Greek.
Yes.
I can't stand them, there's just too much to learn.
Then, today, I got an email on the school email questioning whether or not one should drop a course... so I did. I am no longer in Greek. *sigh* it sucks, because I gave up and I hate giving up. I mean, really, if it were more interesting, or useful, I'd think about working harder on it.
Buuuttt... Not really interested. In grade ten, maybe I was. Okay, I was. But now? Naah. I need something a little more useful, because something might come up and that rich guy that I'm looking for to marry for his money might not actually exist, or, you know, be single and unmarried. Then again, who says I'd need to marry him? I could just be a mistress...
naah. Then I could never claim anything from his name.
Anyway, in order to not have too many failing courses show up on my transcript, I dropped Greek this semester, too. I still have Latin so that I have a full courseload, but Latin's not too hard, I just think it's boring. But if I don't have to worry about Greek AND Latin at the same time, it will be much easier to do just Latin. That will be perfect.
*sigh*
I hate quitting. Anyway, I have to go do some... no, nope. No Greek homework. I guess i'll just have to finish the Iliad now. Darn. I was so looking forward to...no, nope. I wasn't. I wasn't looking forward to the Greek work.
For some reason, I feel oddly elated...

October 27, 2008

Hmm... Halloween is coming and I'm going to be BATMAN!
Then, there's a guy down my hallway who, when I said that I was going to be the better of the magnificent duo, he said "You can't be Batman?! You have to be Batwoman! You're just not a guy!"
Well, and here I thought that we'd cleared up this silly thing where men stereotype women.
I try very hard to not stereotype men.
Or do I? I mean, I certainly wouldn't chase a little pansy guy who did silly things like... study birds for a living. Hahaha. I'd laugh at any man who was smaller, thinner, shorter than me.
Okay, I suppose that I do stereotype men.
And you know, as much as we'd all like to see women gain the equivalent status of a man, it will never happen. Even after all this time, I have my accounting class, and there are one HECK of a lot more guys, better looking guys, more manly, demanding guys in that class because it's a BUSINESS class then there are women.
In my friend Sylver's college class for architecture, there are significantly fewer women then men.
I think that the only reason we as a society think that we are all equal is because we are given numbers. When you actually experience it, it's quite odd.
This entire revelation came about when I was looking for a cool halloween costume. I wanted to be spider man, actually.
All I could find in any of the women sections were bust-baring, high-thigh, teensy-tight, clevage-collecting costumes, designed to tease, entice, and promise to men that I am easy. Here's my thing: I'm not really hard. Seriously.
But I'm not going to sell it, either. That's like, I'll show it, when I want to, if it suits me.
Usually, actually, I dress like that specifically to get attention.
But on Halloween? Why? Does every day have to be a day that women are expected to look like fourteen year olds who still haven't figured out that dressing in clothes is better than dressing in tights?
Grr...

Seriously, I'm a hoodie and jeans kinda girl. And the funny thing is, that last year, I decided I wanted to look better than a few other girls, because I wanted to catch the attention of a guy. So, I was. The first thing that my guyfriend said when he saw me was:
"What? Since when do you have cleavage?"
I was amazed that I'm declassified as a girl if I don't dress like one.
I mean, I never lose my... clear girly squeal when I see a cute guy.

Oh well. I suppose eventually, I'll find someone who's more comfy with me the way I am. My fingers are still crossed for that guy in my accounting seminar. He's pretty cool.

Anyway, tune in next time;
Same bat time,
Same bat channel!

October 20, 2008

Wow. How about this one: It's six fifty in the morning. I've slept since eight o'clock last night...

So, my life's awesome. Yeah, I dunno if I was bored or if I was just finally getting all that sleep back that I didn't have while school was in, but whatever it was, I feel great now. :D
Well, a little cold.
Hm. It's seven sixteen now, and the sun isn' t up yet. This is going to be a fuuuun winter. On the plus side, it might rain today. Gives me a reason to stay inside and maybe even go shopping a little bit! Yay! I haven't actually had much of a chance to go anywhere but a GT, walmart, and now a sears. I've yet to wander around those little stores downtown or ANYWHERE in Peterborough... I mean, it's a small town, but it's got loads of little stores. We even have a few malls...
:D
I'll prolly end up sitting here designing tee shirts for Twilight's release... :D Maybe I'll get Sylver's done for her. I've had it planned this long, why not? I have lots of time. I just need some cardboard. And some sylver paint :P
Truesay. I'll have to find some tee shirt paint.
Otherwise, I'd say I haven't got much to do other than read the rest of the Iliad and start on the Oddyssey.
And you know how much I want to do that? About as much as I want to poke my own eyes out... Hahaha.
(But then how will I see the movie??? It's just not the same if I can't see Twilight!!)

October 17th, 2008

Okay. I'm getting sick of this guy thing. Seriously.
All of them. Every single one of the guys I know is on my nerves right now. Except the gay ones, or the ones I can't ever see myself with.
Well, and Kiz. I don't see how he even figures in anymore, it's been so long. He's just... history.
Unfortunately, the newest replacement for Kiz--the one with the personality and the one with the raver girlfriend who lives miles away... he seems to have taken up that place. Within six months of realizing I needed to change, else I would be doomed to be forever wishing Kiz would just see reason and a happy ending might therefore occur, I ended up screwing up AGAIN and finding someone else who's just as eager to step up and be the douche.
I don't know. I don't hate him, like I keep saying to myself.
I hate me, for not being able to deal when this kind of guy comes along. He's so... perfect. He's crazy. It suits me. He's random, and aloof. It keeps me amused and always thinking about him. I'm never bored. I get bored easily, and this kind of guy's so random.
He's forceful.
And I hate myself for wanting to relive every damned minute of it, because I know it will never come back. I think he blocked me on everything.
He will never be back. And I can't stop thinking about what he was like. And what he did. And comparing every new guy to him, because maybe, just maybe, I'll find a replacement.
Yesterday, I was in a really bad mood, because two nights ago, I was up really late. As I was in that half state between awake and sleep, I caught a whiff of him. Just... his smell. So perfect. So comforting. And while I tried to find the smell again right then, at five o'clock in the morning, for ten minutes, TEN MINUTES, I searched just to smell his scent, and I realized it.
I have hit the lowest of lows.
Again.


It's not him I hate for it, it's me. I hate how I react to a certain breed. A breed that I will never conquer but always want to. And in wanting to, that's who I'll be most attracted to.
I hate myself. I want to step out for a few days, take a few days off from my memories and my past, and just... step out. I want a coma to last a few days so I can sleep, so I can sleep without dreaming any more dreams. Because they're good dreams. They make me happy. And then I wake up and wish I could dream again. I've gotten to insomniac because I just don't want to sleep. It's easier to just stay awake and not sleep, keep busy and distract myself.
But there's only so much I can do before I a)fall asleep or
b)hate myself again.
Like now. I hate me right now.
I hate him.
I hate me.

I hate me.
I hate us both.

October 9, 2008

Well, I'm officially failing, like, everything. I think it's technically mid-terms... and I'm not doing too well. Hopefully I can pull off a bunch of amazing-catch-up-on-marks things like I always did in high school... I was really good at that. I mean, I now know that I can in fact get my stuff done, if I have to, at three in the morning. Yes. It does happen. I just don't know where all the time goes. On the other hand, my eyes were so burning this morning that I had to take out my contacts, and now my eyes are even more burning. Now they're better. I just put on my glasses. It helped a lot. it's just 'cause I'm blind.
Anyway, other than that, I suppose it's all good. I got my first hangover the other day... I suppose Wednesday... Tuesday was Team Tuesday at the bar that put money or something towards our rugby team. Yeah, we're cool. We're supported by a bar.
Although, our summer team at Creek was also supported by a bar in Stoney Creek. So, I guess it's fairly common.
Yeah. Anyway, Tuesday was interesting. I don't think I'm ever going to change because I just can't seem to. On the plus side, I did say no when I got asked to go home with someone. My excuse: I'm not drunk enough, and I have homework waiting for me.
I ended up missing the last bus to school and crashing at a teammate's apartment which was two blocks from the bar.
It was awesome. Her floor was really comfy.
Anyway, I'm going to go nap for an hour. I have a long day ahead of me, and an even longer weekend. And I have a seminar due. Maybe I should do that now. Forget the naps. I'll wake up when I get pounded on in the practice.
Time for some coffee...

September 29, 2008

Wow. Some people...

Ahahaha. That's all I can say. Hellloooo guys: My face, it's about a foot above where you're looking. Thanks. :D

And then people wonder why I wear big sweaters and 'boy jeans' all the time. I can't help it if you decide to show up at my room at seven thirty at night... I don't like wearing my clothes if I don't have to. So I'll take off the sweaters and switch to pj pants. But don't look at me like that. Thank you.
I'll tell you when you can, if you can, admire me. And then and only then will I allow it.

And that's the way it should be, as long as I'm fending for myself and am not married to anyone.

So there.

September 25, 2008

Today is Linck's bday. She's old. Haha.
Kidding.
Anyway, that's just my random shoutouts. Shout out? Shouter? Yeah. Shouter.
It looks really dumb though. Not catchy enough.
So, anyway, as of the end of this week, I have lived in dorm for a month and still haven't even met anyone that wasn't a creeper or "just a friend".
Kids, I'm sure that someone, somewhere is having sex or is currently in the blissful aftermath of passion on campus, but let me tell you: it certainly isn't me.
I mean, I definitely don't help myself much--I'm starting to get disapproving stares from my friend who lives in the other dorm across the way. She seems to want me to get out and meet guys. She always has an opinion on who it is that wants to "bone me" as she likes to put it.

I understand earlier, that I was making myself unavailable, but sometimes I wonder if I just missed the class on how to flirt?
Because even if I know that a guy's flirting with me, it makes it that much harder to go along with it. I just can't do it. It then makes me want to laugh at them and I can't take them seriously. Really.

I guess I'll give up for now. I've lost the battle, but I damn well have not lost the war.

September 22, 2008

I don't think I've ever done homework before, and I'm doing it now... I hate it.
Anyway, I just would like to say that sylver's right: I will never be able to go two weeks without some form of attention, because I'm just like that. It's kind of sad. I need some things, and I refuse to go without, damnit! I am a pretty good looking girl, I think. I should get some a lot.
Damn this emotion thing. Damn it to hell...
Mmm... popcorn. ! I have vinegar in my purse from mcdonald's! Woot!
*munch, munch*
I wish Pitcher was single.
I've been thinking about him but I don't know if it's because I'm single or because it really truly struck home that he's the only person who noticed I wasn't quite right last week without me saying something about it...?
I don't know. But now, I hate myself for thinking what I've been thinking. So, scratch that, damn me for thinking bad things, and back to my popcorn and accounting homework.

September 22, 2008

Joe from Oshawa is a good man.
He helped me when my car was all messed up. I think I should have given him some money... but I didn't. I feel bad because I didn't, but that's okay, I guess. Next time, if ever I see him again, I will for sure.
I dunno, my car just started overheating and steaming while I was on the 401 just outside of Oshawa--considering I've driven about a thousand kilometres--no lie-- since Friday, I'd say that's understandable.
Basically, I overheated and steamed all my water out of my rad. I only bought one bottle of water from timmie's and Mr. Joe from Oshawa helped me a)find the place to put the water and b)put more water in, since he brough me a whole thing of it.
And then he showed me where the 401 was.

I think I have had my faith restored in humanity, once again. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am much happier in that silly little problem I have with trusting people. I tend to do it far too often and it gets me into trouble, but sometimes, sometimes it's just worth it.

On the other side, the what...
Let's see how much time I actually did spend in a car this weekend:
Drive Leanne to Mike's: 45 mins one way, and then I drove back to Trent; 1.30 hrs altogether.
Drive home from Trent: 2:45 mins one way
Drive to my house from Grandma's: 20 mins.
Drive to Western University/around the campus: 3.30 mins one way.
Drive home from western: 3.30 mins one way.
Drive to Grama's: 20 mins.
Drive back to Trent University: 4 hours(because a) I broke down in Oshawa and b) it's still construction season in Canada.)
Drive Leanne home from Mike's: 45 mins one way, and then I drove back to Trent; 1:30 hours all together.
Soooo.... In Three? Four days? I've spent: 1045 minutes in the car which is: seventeen hours and forty-two minutes in the car. Just a general number, too, not including any in between trips that were actually less time.
Wow. I love University. I get to drive, everywhere. And next weekend will be JUST as awesome. Cool, eh?

Anyway, in the seventeen hours and forty-two minutes I've spent in the car, I've had a lot of time by myself to think how much I'm not interested in a crazy relationhip. I don't want someone that's all over the place. I don't want drama. I'm not interested in it. I want someone who's familiar, who I don't have to change for, who I won't expect to change for me. I want someone who's going to be normal; who understands my mood patterns enough to know when I'm pissed off and when I just need alone time. Or when I just need a good slap on the hand and a warning because I'm being a bitch.
And I'm sick of fighting for guys. I am so sick of having to worry all the time. I want someone that I can trust. I want someone who I won't have to bare my teeth to. I also want a looker. I want someone who can match me in looks. I'm not that bad looking, and I know it. I can look really good when I want to. Unfortunately, that makes me vain. And it makes me have standards for my men.

And like I said to Pitcher, the one thing I've realized is that I'm following my own past; history is repeating. Hopefully the next guy I get will be like the one I got after backcatcher: another Pitcher. Only this time, I'm not going to screw it up. Because I've seen the pattern. I've seen the way it is.
And I know that maybe, just maybe this time, I won't take it for granted because although my history in man order is repeating, the way I understand and process the loss of men is changing, which means I'm much more stable. I'd like to think that I might even be a little more on the sane, mature side. I just don't know if that's pushing it.

Because yes, I still wear socks with elephants on them for fun.
To rugby.
With a Pink Floyd tee shirt on top.

And anyone I date has to understand that, because I'm not babying them anymore, and I'm not going to attach myself to their waists anymore. I'm old enough to know that I can make decisions on my own.
So.
There.

Also thought about what to do for a house this summer... not sure I'm going home. I might see if I can stay in Peterborough.
It would be nice.
Also: about a house in the future. I wonder if Sylver and Pitcher would get together and design me a house? I'd love them both forever if they did that... ahaa. It'd be a house from a dream. With Pitcher's design schematics and invention and Sylver's methodology and ingenuity (especially with how well she knows me), I'd say that that would be the most kickass house in the world. Ever. Seriously. I'd have to think about moving away if I got that house...
Tata. I have some Latin to do, and a house and naked baseball players to think about, here.

September 17 2008

I value nothing more than truth. Honesty. Loyalty.
Does no one else?
Is there no other who does?
And if there are, as I'm sure there are, more people in the world who do also, then why do they never come out and announce it as such.
I shout it to the roofs that litter this dark world of cold suffering that we are to succumb to should this disease not be swept away, and I scream it to the heavens: Why should this be so difficult to locate? Why is it so damn impossible to find someone who agrees?

I value nothing more than truth. Honesty Loyalty.
So why do I keep finding the exact opposites?

I feel as though someoneis playing a game with my mind. With my person.

And I hate this game.

September 15 2008

So, the most frustrating thing that I have ever discovered, is being stretched too thin. I have been in a position where I am working three jobs and going to school full time and playing rugby, and had a boyfriend on top of that, and I wasn't stretched too thin. I have been in a position where I had absolutely no money, but always some way to get what I needed, and never have had a problem with it. I have had so much to do that I forgot to sleep.
And I have survived.

But I don't know how long this will last.
I have no money, no job, I'm on a varsity rugby team, and I go to school full time. I live at school.
And it is the hardest time that I have ever had. I frequently am forgetting to sleep, I am generally headachey, slightly nauseous, and am always hopped up on coffee. I'm not sure that the food here is good at all, in fact, I'm rather disappointed at how disgustingly oily EVERYTHING is. Even the salads are hard to make healthy.
But the thing is, that I always had support. I always figured out a way to get what I need. And I can't do it anymore. It's so hard to understand.
I can't get a loan because I have no credit. I have no credit because I can't get a loan because I have no credit.
It's an unerring cycle that's bullshit.
I need a co-signer but no one can co-sign because everyone I know is in financial worry. No one is in a position to do so.

And they took away my osap, so I can't afford my school books, let alone my insurance for my car to get back to where I live or my food for those days when the friggen caf's are only open when I need to be at rugby.
And God help me if I want to have a life.
I can't afford it. Ahahaah. Mom, you didn't need to spot me twenty dollars for that pub card. I have no money. I can't afford to drink.
Fuck. I'm going to be a prostitute.
They make money that's not taxed AND it's not half bad work. Ahahahahaaahahahaa... Oh, that just made me laugh. I think I've hit that point of exhaustion where not only am I tired, but I'm coming into illogical suggestions. Hahahahaahahahaahahahaa. Aah. Ah. AaAh. Hehe. Haaaah. Now I'm good. I'm good.

September 13, 2008

So, it's saturday. I've done half my homework. It's only five o'clock, but supper's soon.
And, I'm not over the boy, but I can be if he decides that he's not into me. I'll understand, because I'm a nutbar. It's true. I'd understand if I was single for the rest of my life. I'm a control freak with anal-retentive tendencies.
And, above that, I become obsessed and single out one idea.
It's not something that I can change, I've done it all my life. I was really, really, really good at school until I switched the idea over to boys. It's because I could only focus on school. I had no personal life, no idea on how to meet and greet, and most of all, I had no concept of normalcy.
But no longer. While I am still sort of interested in school, I am more centred on one guy. And that scares them off, obviously, creating the need to meet and collect another boy. Soooo... Yeah. I'm screwed, is all I can say. But I still like him. It's just unlikely that I'll be able to keep him. Too bad.
But maybe I'll see if he still wants me and then I'll go from there. I'll see what I can do to tone myself down, because I'm starting to scare me.

September 12, 2008

I have had my day made... I love theatre. But I'm not an actor, they're weird. I'm a dancer.
Aah, the jokes just aren't as good anymore. I mean, I love it, but no one gets it when I say it at school. Seriously. Kinda sucks.
I miss the play. We all were happy, if not overworked and seriously tired. But that coffee thing stuck with me, and now I pee thirty times a day because I never drink water, justcoffee... can't be good for my system. hahaha.
*sigh* so, I'm not upset about Jeremy, but I am kind of curious as to what he thinks. I don't know. I do know that I act like a kid in relationships, which is bad and annoying. But oh well. Why do I suck in any sort of relationship--here, I'm naming a relationship simply the behavioural tendencies between two people, not necessarily the tendency between a dating couple (Since I'm not dating him).
Anyway, I still don't get along with people. Oh! Crap! My car's parked too close to the thing. Damnit. I have to go move that. Bye!

Sept. 11/08

Well, it's happened.
I'm getting nervous about the guy I like. Just because we're so far away, and I never see him, and we're not actually dating... there's so much that just seems so stupid that I worry about but I also worry regardless of whether or not I actually mean anything and am wasting my time thinking about him and not expanding my networks outward. I think I'm going to make some friends. I can't keep this up. I'm making myself stress about going on with him all the time, because I can accept neither loss nor defeat well.
I hate this. I just want to know that he thinks about me half as much as I do about him.
God. I hate men. I want constant reassurance that maybe, maybe I'm not nuts. Maybe, maybe they actually kind of like me when I like them. Because I know that guys move around, I know that they lose interest, and I have no faith in them, ever.
I hate the one who did this to me, the most, I think.
I hate being the way that I am.
I think I am going to go watch a few dane cook skits, just because I'm that unhappy.
See you later.

September 10/08

September 09/08

Soooo, school has a bit more homework then I've EVER done in my life. EVER. no lie. I went to Westmount, and I've never ever had to do this much homework at any given tme. And from the looks of it, it's not going to stop any time soon. It's the first week. I was up until three last night working on Greek. Granted, I had gone over to Leanne's right after rugby and wasted an hour. Granted, I didn't have any books to work on during the day. However, it's a lot busier then I ever suspected that it would be. Holy cow.

September 9, 2008

Well, today was the frst day of classes. Not so hard. Greek was something that I've never done, so it was the new class, and I've done Latin so I'm ahead of a lot of the other students.
My anthropology prof basically said that she was going to try to teach us to look from the other side of the fence. Instead of just thinking "euw, cannibalism", we'd look at WHY the cannibals believe in it and try to understand from their pov.
Since I've learned to do that and have been since well before high school, this being one of the reasons that I left my first high school--there were several conversations when I realized that gifted doesn't necessarily mean open-minded-- and since I have already developed this skill, I figure that my opinions will be well developed and that this class may, in fact, be something that I will enjoy very, very much.
Tomorrow I take a history class (which I haven't done since grade ten), and an accounting class, which I have always promised that I actually hate but continue taking since I was kicked out of the conflicting social science, saying that I would ever pass accounting since it was math.
Boy, was I wrong. It quickly became a love-hate relationship. I hate it, it gives me hell, but it's a puzzle and I never want to give the puzzles up because it's like a game of logic. "Why is there a problem? I don't know, let's backtrack. Well, it's transposed down in the final number, so something has to be wrong here."
It's actually really amusing. Kind of sad, yes, but true also. :P
I know, the little things I think are really not intelligent. But I like it. :D

Other than that, I miss my (wrong word to use under the circumstances? Should he be known as "the" since he's not in my posession, technically? Yeah, I'm gonna milk this. This will be pointed out at every possible damned moment until it is rectified...) man-meat, and I suppose that it happens. Especially with me. He'll be around the weekend I come home, though, so that's nice. I'll get some. :P
I get to make a cake with Silver! Yesss! It will be an awesome cake.
Mmmmm... Cake. Tasty. I didn't eat much dinner. I won't et breakfast. But anyway, I should be doing my Greek. So I guess I'll get on that.
Uh oh. My computer's getting super-hot. It's nearly always on. Maybe I should start shutting it down??

September 7, 2008

I wrote this whole list of my downfalls, and also a list of my positive traits... they're about evenly matched. And the weird thing is that some of them are on both lists... I have things that I both love and hate, are positive and negative, depending on the situation. For example, I'm very honest, and it's good to be honest, but I will not lie to a person, regardless of the situation, and it gets me into trouble a lot. Being frank isn't alway a good thing to do. "Does this make me look fat?" Well, I'll say yes if it does.
heh, it was just interesting t look at.

September 04, 08

Aah. It's so much nicer just doing my own thing. Not that I can't stand the others, but I definitely have too much to do to just sit around... unless that's what 'm doing.
In which case it's awesome.
And my guitar... so awesome. I missed it while I was away without it. :'(
Mmm... I think I'll make popcorn.
And watch a movie. And space out before ruggers. And play my guitar.
And think about Jeremy. Who doesn't have a nickname... I'll have to think one up.
I need a new copy of that language... I can't seem to find mine at all. Wait a sec! I might know where it is!
*ruffles around bookshelf, which is finally organized enough to see it*
Nope. No dice. Sorry, but I guess I'll just refer to him as Jeremy... ooh, ooh! know!
Nope. I don't like that one... oh well.
Lfe sucks. I'll just call him by his name, then.

September 3, 2008

If they thought that hell week was bad for rugby, they thought wrong.
The first week of a first year's life-frosh week-has been torn apart at my university, and converted into some retarded charade of school where there are "leaders" (Like when you were a kid in camp whose leaders kept close tabs on you) and there are scheduled events, like mock lectures and discussions which are not even interesting.
No longer are there parties like mad, and awesome clubs to join; instead, we are wandering around and still trying to get unpacked. It's been three days. you'd think it would be done. But, no.
I mean, I also have rugby, so my nights are shot, too. Not that I'm complaining. At least we're respected in rugby. At the school, we're like four-year-olds.
I hope it ends soon.
And I need sleep like mad, because they think it's funny to wake us up early when we had a late night.
Some of us do things with out time: Rugby practice until 10:30, icing injuries for an hour after that... etc...

August 26, 2008

Well, It's been a hard, long week. I found a man, I spent enough time with him that I'm interested, I performed four plays, two dress rehearsals, did three different renditions of a tango, got addicted to coffee, weird sexual positions, explored the same sex and my tendencies towards them, discovered my old self, recreated my new self, celebrated and mourned the same thing, and slept two nights in a row with the same man, in the same place.
This has been the most eventful week of my life.
Tomorrow, I leave the man, my old self, the tango, the musical and all that behind in Hamilton for a month to do rugby at school.
I question my sanity.
I question all of everyone who's letting me go. Are we all a bunch of masochists?
Well, I learned this week that, really: Yes, I am. But only with certain someones and in certain ways. I don't like being pinched for biting my nails, but my bruises are very obvious.
Hips, neck, and scratch marks on my back.
I must be.
*sigh*
I will be back, I know it. Soon. Once a month, every month. Religiously. You could say that I was the werewolf of Trent University.
I'm officially leaving.
This will be the hardest thing I've ever done.

August 23, 2008

http://canwest.a.mms.mavenapps.net/mms/rt/1/site/canwest-chchnews-pub01-live/current/launch.html?maven_playerId=chchmain&maven_referralObject=3045252
Did it work? It's the news piece on my play... Check it out!

August 19, 2008

Sleep is for uncool losers. So, I've seen my schedule for the week, and to tell you all the truth: I'm pretty sure that the three practices I have to look forward to each day next week will be a walk in the park to this week coming. I have to:

• Still pack for school.
• Rehearse hardcore (As in, learn an entire tango in three days--play performances start on Friday and continue on till Sunday. BUY TICKETS FOR THE BOYFRIEND!)
• work
• Rugby game on Wednesday! (after my rehearsal)
• Still buy stuff for school (eg: telephone, printer ink, etcetera...)
• and I promised a friend ages ago we'd go out to lunch. Which has turned into "after work dinner.)

I am fairly sure that I'm not going to have any time between now and Sunday to eat, let alone sleep. Well, it was nice knowing y'all, but I'm fairly sure that I'm constituted as dead, now. Just, lay me down, and all that. I'm so stressed that I'm sick. On top of that all, Monday, I have a dinner. Thank goodness it's a dinner, because then I have all day to clean. And my grama and grampa helped me out immensely, with all the stuff they gave me. I love them. They are the awesomest.

I keep missing buttons on the keyboard. I say them in my head as I'm typing, but I never get the note to my fingers to hit the correct buttons. It's stupid.

I'm also sick, on top of it all. Sick, like, headcold. Headachey, nose running, coughing, earaches, watery eyes because my nose is running. Yeah. That.

Yay.

Damned me, doing everything all at once. I had to make it difficult by joining every stupid thing that I came across that I liked.Rugby, a play which I get to dance in... Work. Okay, the last one I don't really like, but I do like to make money.

It's all so hard.

Life's so hard.

Next topic: polygamy and why it's stupid-and should be illegal- to make it illegal.

August 13, 2008

School’s in two weeks. Terrified shitless. Seriously. Don’t tell anyone, but I am. So much so, that I’m having trouble thinking about it. Because I can’t really come out and be like, “Oh, yeah, right. So, that thing I’ve been bandying about for eight months, yeah that—I’m really, really terrified I’m going to go, and screw up in the social scene, miss all my classes, not understand what the HELL the teacher’s saying, and flunk out after spending nearly twenty thousand dollars on it.”
But, oh, no! I also am going to be there a week early for the rugby camp, which although is awesome will KILL me because I’m in terrible shape. But, I think that if the seniors on my team think I can do it, I’ll be able to. I do work my ass off in practices to get better. Literally. I’m in the best shape I’ve been in since I was dancing. Even against that, I think I’m stronger than I was then. I lost my flexibility, though, and I’m terrified when I go into tackles against anyone but a Sherwood girl or my own team. I don’t hit hard enough. Ever. I’m always afraid to do it. Oh well. I’ll learn or fall behind, and since I’m competitive, I don’t think I will fall too far before I get sick of not playing.
About school, though, I’m afraid that I’m going to alienate everyone because I am a bit of a creeper and do mass amounts of research on people before I even know them, just because it bothers me to not know them. And then I don’t tell them that I’ve done mass amounts of research on them, because “Hi, yeah, you don’t know me, but I know everything about you, including your dog’s name and you’re minute of birth” is a really bad pickup line.
I feel like a bit of a creeper, but I can’t help it. It’s a safety thing. I just don’t like not knowing who I’m up against. Seriously, if I were in any part of the government, it would be in the spying section.
It’s weird. And I damn well know it.

August 11, 2008

Well, prop didn't exactly work out. He just stopped calling. Whatever. Not my dealio. I don't care, I suppose. Well, that's not true. It's not that I don't care. It's that I can't care. Unfortunately, this has been happening lately, and I find that the best thing to do is ignore it. Pretend it never happened. Just forget it. It did happen, but it's gone. It didn't make a difference. One more reason to not believe anything that a man says, does, thinks. It's just... pointless. My mom keeps saying that because of the way I react to things, I'll never find a man worth keeping.
It makes sense to me. I don't think I will. Apparently I missed the class Understanding Men 101... Too bad. They're messed up, seriously. Then again, so are most women.
Humans, then, in general; I like it when a person will say what they're thinking at all times. I don't want a lie, I don't want something hidden, I don't want stupidity. I want a statement. It goes for everyone. Don't just hide what you think, say it. Maybe we'd have some more interesting things going on were that the case.
Eh. Oh well. Clean slate in University.
I'm born and bred to be popular there.

August 8, 2008

So, I play rugby. And I have sustained my first serious injury. It's not super serious, but it has damaged me enough to still be in pain the day after I did it. The embarassing part is that I did it in practice...
It was my finger. I totally jammed it while I was catching kicks from another girl on my team. Then I continued with the rest of the practice.
Ow.
Can you say owwie? 'Cause I've learned. I think I'm going to wrap it today, not that it's going to do anything. Gah. Ow. It's on my right hand, my ring finger, so every time I go to pick something up, it hurts like mad... and it's so swollen that it won't bend anymore. It looks like stupid. Okay, that is how bad it looks. My sentence didn't even work out.
On the other hand, it looks cool.
And it proves how weak my hand is.
Great. One more thing to have to work on for the next three weeks.

Also on a brighter note, I'm supposed to get a call today from Prop-man, which will be nice if it happens. Seriously. I'd like that. Ow. Something in that sentence just hurt my finger. OW. Not cool. Typing's not working for me.
Tata!

July 29, 2008

This is my honest-to-gods self-infliced diary entry for the day. It explains what I am and what i think, and probably gives a disgustingly close amount of insight into a woman's mind.

July 29, 2008
I definitely have a problem. I just finished reading a book by Tucker Max called “I hope they serve beer in hell” and I realize that I’m close but not exactly like every other woman that he spent time fucking in his life thus far.
I’m the same, because I have learned that I can fuck without knowing a person’s last name.
I am different, because after, I do not blame the occasion on them, rather I try to learn how to beat the man to the punch next time.
What the hell.
I am still not a whore, I just no longer believe in love, and I think that this has come around in the last year or so.
Why, you ask? Well, simply put, it’s not worth it. I spend half my time blaming myself for having sex because a bunch of people told me that it’s unacceptable. Well, screw all you too. Guess what? I don’t care and haven’t for a while. I get it. You think it’s wrong. Well, I don’t.
So, that makes me different then the women.
But I’m still female and therefore like the fuck, but I also like a bit of stability and ass when I want it, knowing that it’s not being tapped by some other woman, when I want it.
Do you know what I want? A man who upfront says:
“Look. I don’t want a relationship of any kind. I’m looking for a fuckbuddy for a week. That’s all. The end.”
I’m sorry, I never learned the finer nuances of being female, like reading minds or understanding shit like that. Just be intelligent. Don’t fuck with my head. Don’t piss me off and say nice things. Fuck, talk like normal people, leave. The end. No pretense, no precursor, no falseties.
Furthermore, any man who does not come right out and say this is asking for trouble because I will assume that if it is not stated, then the male is open for assumption that I will fall for him at some point.
He whose nickname I cannot recall said: I want a fuckbuddy.
I said: Okay.
I started to fall for him; I removed myself immediately from his presence because I knew I wouldn’t win. I did not spend a week or two or three fawning over him. I gave up.
I’m alpha, not retarded. Chasing after impossible things is like a dog chasing his tail. And I know I’m not good enough to read people, so I’ll just be smart and start asking upfront, from now on. And I hope to the Gods of all that is real, that men do not get the wrong idea. Because truthfully, if I am sleeping with you, chances are I have so far deemed you as worthy and it is physically possible that I will, indeed, take more interest in you in the future. It takes a very short line to trip the warning switch though, so I'm not saying that saying right off that you're looking for a relationship is going to work.

July 28, 2008

So, I have absolutely no idea how to act in any sort of relationship. Now, I don't mean that I only can't relate in the position of g/f, but even to just have a fuckbuddy or a potential boyfriend material, I can't be anything like I'm supposed to be. I just don't know how to. It's not in my range of extensive personalities, apparently.
I wish I could take a class. I mean, I have an utter tendency to be too obnoxious. Usually I'm a pretty deadpanned serious person when I say something. I'm not good at being subtle. Never.
Damnit.
I'll work on that. Subtlety. Definitely. Either that or I'll just keep on being obnoxious and find someone who can deal with it.
This is why I would never make a good doctor. I just don't have bedside manner-or any sort of useful emotion, for that matter- to deal with other people. Empathy, I think it's called? Just doesn't happen. It's not my problem that so-and-so can't get over themselves long enough to admit that I'm better; and I can't admit when someone else is better so I run myself into the ground to get better. I like winning. I like being in the spotlight. I like being better.

And it's me.

July 27, 2008

So, not that anyone but me cares, I think I destroyed the thing that was going on with Prop. If not destroyed, I just injured it. I think I may have pulled a rugby faux pas.
Which sounds stupid, but I didn't really think about it since I don't ever come down with this particular malady.

As you may or may not know, drinking after rugby is kind of like... taking your shinpads off after soccer. It just happens, inevitably. Thank Gods for us ruggers, we don't have shin pads. That means that surely, positively, we have to find something to make up for that horrid notion, so we turned to alcohol.
Now, I have been a good, little, innocent rugby player and not drank after a game.
Unfortunately, Prop decided that he was going out with his team after his game yesterday. Perfectly understandable, as I did exactly the same thing.
He drank. Loads, and from what I hear, they did it all night.

I called him today. I thought that calling him, however, at seven in the EVENING would be okay, since it is well after a certain time.
He didn't seem pleased.

So, now I know that for future reference, the DAY AFTER call is thereby illegal and shall be avoided. Perhaps I shall learn more rules as I travel with Trent U's Varsity Rugby Team (That I am on--woot!).
Still, I'm not gonna put me down, because I didn't know, and personally, drinking into the wee hours makes me get up faster in the morning. I can't sleep on a drunk stomach. hahaha.

Oh, also, thought of the day: I don't think that the men I actually get along with are looking for the dumb blonde that I became in Hill Park. I think they would like me better if I was... intelligent and able to hold conversations. Prop's really intelligent, and I like it, but acting like a dumbass because I totally have put off keeping up with technology is NOT an attractive thing.
I don't like it at all. I think I'm going to start developing intelligence again. I liked me better when I knew more than everyone else.

July 26 2008

I played lock today, in the scrums in my Senior B rugby game. That was interesting. I've never really paid attention to what they do, but now that I have played that position, I feel sorry for any of them who don't tape their ears or have a head-helmet thing. I mean, all of the above looks horrific, but damn! You know what, I think I have broken my ears off. Literally. They cracked. If you thought spring-loaded, cartilege-shattering ear piercing guns are bad, then you need to look at a poor, poor lock position.
And I only played lock for the second half. The first half I played flanker. It was cool. I finally picked up that tackling thing. I seem to have been avoiding it all year. *cough, cough *:D Hahaha, I just got sick of losing every friggen kick because none of my team moved up fast enough.

Still, fun game, loved it. Got a few bruises. Stoney Creek A's beat Hamilton in the game at Hamilton at the same time that the B team played. (Yes!!! Get them!)

So, I have an honest admission to make. I really liked Chakiz, would have killed for him. Then I met this new guy, a Prop who played for McMaster. I'm into him, now. I seem to float from mano-a-mano. Makes me seem kinda like a Hooker (hahaha, rugby joke. that's the guy that stands in the middle of the front row and 'hooks' the ball with her feet. Hence: hooker.)
But anyway, this guy's not what I ever thought I'd look at like he was amazing or anything, but he actually is not only a rugby player, but he also reads books, listens to music I don't have to adjust to, AND has University education.

It's like, perfection in a bottle.
*sigh* Besides that, some of his ideas are a little skewed. I don't know, but I think it may be a rugby player-kinda thing.
But he's a gemini. Which, as I just looked up in my numerous tomes of knowledge, are a really good match for an aquarius (which I am) because both are intelligent, witty, conversational, social, and both are less emotional in a relationship. Further, as bedmates, they're both willing to experiment... *cough, cough* really? Tee heee.... I think I already knew that. *cough*.
Wow. I think he might actually be a good Gemini. He actually seems to betray his sign, now that I'm reading it. He's got a very paralell view to it.
Noice.

Now, what to do about Chakiz, who comes home in a week?'

July 24, 2008

Guess what! I'm on the Trent U Varsity Rugby team! WooT! Training Camp is on the twenty-sixth of August. I will be leaving at that time, and I will not return till I choose to. :)
That's right, an emoticon in my blog. I'm so excited. It's going to cost me a billion dollars in Varsity wear but DAMN! I will finally be on the team! Woot!
I'm so excited. I want to go now. Hahahahahahahahaha... Let's just hope I get good enough to earn field time. :D Still, even if I don't, it's okay. I'll be in it like fleas on a dog.
Buwauauahahahaha.
Man, I love rugby. One good thing that came out of Hill Park was the rugby team and me wanting to join it. Thanks, HP, for doing that, I'm particularly interested.

July 23, 2008

Recently I met a new acquaintace, shall we say? Aah, rugby functions are always big drunken brawls of fun-ness.
Anyway, so I was talking to him the other day, and we got on to the discussion of cult classics and how only the eighties made damn good movies. I mean, we have okay ones now, but how many times can you watch Wall-e without wishing your eyes would burn up, or the Devil Wears Prada without wishing you could drink drain-o and not have a terrible conscience in the afterlife?
Anyway, so after this discussion, I realized just how long it's been since I've last seen the Evil Dead series. In short order, I collected up the first film to watch it late, late at night when I clearly have nothing better to do with my time.
And I love it. The one thing I know for sure is that I will never give Bruce Campbell the rights to my Ikea bookshelves. Those are deadly, and if he's having problems with the ones that are already made... I'd end up with him glued in somewhere.

Best part ever: "You will die! Like the others before you; one by one we will take you! (aargh)"
*Stabbity stab stab* ..."Of LEAD POISONING! Muahahahahahahaa!"

Then, there's some horrendous fight scene with loads of throwing people and such, and Bruce Campbell gets stuck under an empty, backless bookshelf, and then mr. boyscout who seems to have never gotten his "trap and secure zombified evil demons in basements" badge, chains the demon into the basement with a whole HEAD'S SPACE so that it can clearly see out. Even evil demons need their light. I mean, she could have been claustrophobic.

At least he cared.

Silly Bruce Campbell just put his girlfriend to bed and let her sleep by herself all alone. Great guy he is.

And damn! I wish my nails were that lethal. Who knew they could pierce right through to the achilles tendon? And facial everythings? And cause such damage? Damn! I'm impressed, and I want the name of their manicurist.

I guess that's why they made the rest of the movies jokes, eh? 'Cause there's so much awesomeness in this one that they just had to keep it up! Seriously, I totally got my kicks in this. It's just that awesome. I love it. I think that everyone needs to see this sometime in their life, to laugh loudly at it at very least.

Seriously. It's awesome.

July 20 2008

Yesterday I went to the pig roast with the Stoney Creek RFC.
And Holy Cow! I haven't seen so many people drinking so much in such a short time. I mean, DAMN! They were insane. I only stayed till about one thirty, if that. There were people who just camped out there all night, and it was... Sincerely amazing. Let me tell you. Whew!
But you know what? I am constantly faced with the reasoning behind why I like rugby so much, and this was no exception. I'm one of those people who's really open. When someone asks me to tell them a secret that no one knows, I can't. I don't have them. Everyone I know knows everything about me. Or everyone knows something about me. I'm pretty obvious in my transparency. I don't keep secrets. And I'll tell you what I'm thinking regardless what it is, as long as it suits my interests in that moment.
Usually it does.
And so do most of the other rugby players. The girls, the guys, all of them are so damn open and likely to talk to others, regardless. There's a girl on my team who has much more experience since she's been in rugby way longer. She was telling Silver and I about stuff, it was awesome. I learned a lot. Like, why I belong in rugby, even if I think that I suck sometimes. I mean, all I have to do is practice my ass off, and I'll be okay. And I think I'm sticking to flanker, even though I'd like to play hooker. It seems like something I'd enjoy. But I definitely LOVE flanking. It's like... *sigh* All tackles and no standing makes Nifty sore, but so very, very happy. :D
Anyway, other than that, the sexuality of these people actually rivals mine. I'm pretty sure a few people got laid last night, and I don't know how much the alcohol had to do with that. Oh, that's another thing I belong there for, is the alcoholic intake. It actually gets close to my intake. Okay, who am I kidding? These people drink like friggen fish! Like, I've never seen so much imbibed since Chakiz, Silver and I had that random drinking session at my house where we pooled alcohol and mixed everything. Let's see... We had:
Tequila Rose
Sour Puss-Red and Grape
Jägermeister (with Red Bull, of course, thereby solidifying the chances of all Hell breaking loose)
Fireball Whiskey
Peach Scnapps
Cherry Schnapps

Hells, I'm sure there was more... I just can't remember. I do, however, know that it reminded me VERY nicely of a bar on my table while we were drinking.
I definitely think that it was the mixture of both tequila rose and Fireball Whiskey that made me spew my intestines all over the bathroom walls at nine-thirty at night. Yeah, we drank really, really heavily.
That's was interesting.
I learned that puking after alcohol is like nothing you'll ever experience otherwise. I mean, a hangover sucks, it sucks balls, but you can pop some aspirin, or shoot some more vodka and you're fine. Puking, is ike, oh crap! I feel like... yep. *insert puking scene* Damn! There was no controlling that one.
Aah!

:D Still, good experience. I learned that I absolutely CANNOT outdrink a guy who's six-foot-plus a few, two hundred pounds and who drinks like a rugby player.
Anyway, about this related pig roast: It was the awesomest experience of my life so far. 'Cept for maybe sex... That's occasionally good, too. And it happens more often, that's for sure.

July 17 2008

Hm. So, Chakiz is into me after all. Why do we inflict self doubt? I think that my half-year resolution will be to cleanse that stupid self-doubt from me. It makes me a horrid person. I feel crappy and I act like a bitch when I'm doubting me and myself, and then I look dumb when I tell the guy that I kinda missed him after all, even though it was all...
I dunno.
Man, I have a messed up head. I need to stop thinking so much.
Seriously. I just told someone to stop thinking so much yesterday. Pitcher, in fact, was who I told. I think I need to stop that. Practice what you preach, as they say.
I mean, I can't help but think, but I can cut back on the amount that I hate myself and doubt my abilities and my first thought.
You know why I'm like this? Because I had to do it with Backcatcher. Always. I used to be happy, before I met him. I was a bubbly person. I'm still bubbly on the outside, but wracked with doubt on the inside. Then again, I'm blaming it on him. It wasn't only him. I also had a tendency to be too naive, and eventually it caught up. To counter-mix the naievety I have to be really doubtful. That's why I'm always warring with my other voice, I think. That's why I don't get along with me for large amounts of time. Gah.
Man, I am seriously messed up.
So, my new thing: I will not doubt myself.

July 16, 2008

Is honor too much to ask in a relationship? With anyone, seriously?

Sometimes, I wish that time travel were possible for me, so that I could move from this time to another time where honour and truth meant something. Not only that, I wish I could find a time where freedom and respect went hand in hand. I wish I could transfer myself to a dimension where storybook romances existed. I hate reality. It's no wonder I spend all my time reading. It's because today's reality isn't worth its existence.
Disgusting.

July 14, 2008

So, I've been really, really angry lately. I snap at everyone and anything that moves, I hate people and things, and I complain. All the time. More than usual. I'm starting to get angry with myself for being so angry all the time.
And then I realized why...

I'm sexually frustrated. I have never been frustrated for this reason before.
Ever. Seriously.

I can't even do anything to help myself out. I've tried, and it only makes it worse. I don't want to go find a diferent man, either. I can't. I tried. Not interested in the least bit, to tell you the truth. I have three or four guys... (hmm... lets see... three if you don't count the one who's trying to play me 'cause he still has a gf) who are all sitting around trying to get me to do stuff... and I can't. I just can't, and when I do, it's just... "Wow. This is boring. Heh. Kinda, like, meh. Wow. This sucks. Let's go see if I can stare a wall into oblivion."
Seriously. I have to actively think about flirting, and even then it sucks.

I haven't been this obsessed with a guy since backcatcher, my first real bf. And that took two or three years to get over. It was a while. Granted, this guy's a cooler guy, and he's nicer, and he's waaaaayyy more honourable, but damn! It makes me all the more confused as to why he's still single.
And that fact is why I'm so damn frustrated. No one else I've met since I met him has lived up to his whole self. Hell, none have even matched up a section of his personality. They just don't make 'em like this guy's made. But, damned if I don't spend every day thinking about him. All the time. And it frustrates the hell out of me, because I'm not a forward person once I've learned them. And I'm afraid that if I open up, he'll be like "pfft" and blow me off. Or, worse, will feel guilty or something like that for making me feel like this.
I'm so weirded. A girl at work said I should make him cookies. It's a brilliant idea, because he's an eater. But... I don't want to have to coax him. I want him to want me.
Haha, Cheap Trick song.
"I want you to want me,
I need you to need me;
I want you to want me,
I need you to need me..."

Also related:
"For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder"
-Hey Jude, The Beatles.

Because that's what I did... I acted all cold and uncaring, because that's how I am with guys who don't want to go anywhere, but sometimes I wonder if I just didn't make everything worse for myself by doing it. I mean, I hate scenes since that first bf breakup which was a huge scene... and I'll never do it again. I think I made a pact with myself that I will be the one who comes out on top when the guy or I decides it's over. Since backcatcher, I haven't really made a scene. A few tears quietly shed once I've left, and I'm good. But, damn it if I don't just act like a statue, and maintain body distance.
When he left on that last day, I just wanted to touch him or kiss him... I think I'm terrified of making a fool of myself, though. We did hug, but... I don't know. I just wanted more than that. I mean, we did go camping together. Just us. Alone. For nearly four days.

Gah.

I think I really miss him. I hope he feels something for me. Enough to avoid his band for a day once he gets back and to spend some time with me.

Is it too much to hope for? Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Maybe. I don't know. I can't know. I'll just have to make a fool of myself, I guess, because I'd rather know that he wants nothing to do with me then not. I mean, at least if I know he doesn't want to see me anymore, it won't be this horrid limbo that I'm in right now:
"does he even think about me?" "Will he even know me?"
"Will he care enough to listen?" "What if... he doesn't like me?" "What if I was just rebound?" "What if, what if, what if..." (It's horrid to write this, because it means I am insecure after all. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Plus, I don't think he'd forget me, it's only a month. Only.)

Anyway, I'm sexually frustrated, and if you have a problem with it, sue me. I'll go jump his bones and then be happy for another month. Once more at the end of the summer when he gets back again and I'll be pleased.
Or I can just kind of hope he doesn't go away in August... It's a plausible hope. Kinda sucks for him, then, but I'll be selfish in my own blog (as well as truthful) and say that I really, really miss him and hope he doesn't go away again.
I want him to stay, I want him to be with me, and I want him to like it. I would probably travel back to my city every weekend from school just to spend a few nights with him. Hell, I'd come and get him, drive him to my dorm, and drive him home every weekend if it meant he'd stay with me.

Hell. I hate this uncertainty thing. It's not really good for my heart, I'm sure. If I have a heart attack, blame Chakiz.

July 12, 2008

So, I am waiting patiently. So far I've only been uber frustrated for, like a week. I've been attending rugby lately so I haven't worried so much about being apprehensive about Chakiz as I do about being exhausted.
Sometimes, I wonder why people are the way we are. I think it'd be cool to find a perfect mate who wants permanence, and then I think that it's silly because that's my imperfect, which is silly because then even if I had him and he was perfect, he would piss me off so well that I'd stop talking to him.

I miss him. NOt to tears like before, but I miss having him around. I talk about him all the time, and everyone in my friend circle that doesn't already know him wants to.

I got a sunburn while I was playing watergirl at rugby today. I'm going to a pig roast with rugby on the nineteenth. On the eighteenth there's an orientation day at Trent U for first years to learn how to pick classes.
I'm so tired, I"m lying down to write this and have already closed my eyes.
And when I close my eyes, male characters in romances change for me, and I'm currently trying to upgrade my two lovers for Zach De Masion's story. It's a good one, but kinda shaky because it changes so much.
THat's all. 'Night.

July 9, 2008

All I want is to curl up with him, lie next to him, and cuddle. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, 'cause he's out in the middle of nowhere town carrying a gun around-for fun-surrounded by all those chicks who think it's cool to be in the reserves... What did I do so wrong that everything gets messed up now?

Did I kill someone in a past life? Maybe I was an adulterer. That would definitely be a reason that seems plausible, considering my crappy ability to meet or keep a reasonable lover for very long.

And all the ones I actually like are married, gay, or in the army and away for the summer.

July 8, 2008

Yesterday I went to rugby. That was nice. I think I hardly fit in with the people at rugby because I WORK SO GODDAMNED BAD HOURS!
And this comes in here: I'm quitting. I love working for GT, but I just can't. I hate applying for new jobs even though chances are that I will get whatever I apply for, but I hate it. I hate moving to a new place and starting all over again.

And I'm doing this for rugby and for a play.

Great.

July 5, 2008

So, today I was trying my hand at recreating dishes from Chakiz's house-and I sort of prevailed. I made refried beans which I actually call black-bean spread, since that's technically what it's called.

And I'll be damned if it didn't taste good! Not as good as the pro-kind that Rudy's mum makes, but that's to be expected; I never was taught how to do it, and I didn't have a recipe, I was working from memory of the three seconds Chakiz took to tell me how to make them before ushering me into the tent while we were camping.

I made them, though. :D Now I can have bean spread even if he never wants to see me again. I just wasn't expecting all the mess it made!

Speaking of Chakiz, I made a realization today. I don't want to be done with him. I haven't made a single pass at any guy since I started with him. I have no interest in other men. They just don't live up to Chakiz. I don't know.

It could be caused by his being so standard towards me; it could be because he just didn't care one way or the other what I felt or wanted. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment and only like guys who don't give a damn about me.

Shit. I hope to hell not, because this could be a looooonng lifetime for me.

Still, secretly, in the back of my mind, I wish that he does think of me once in a while, even though the more rational side of me takes over and says "you know you're setting yourself up to get hurt, right? He did say that he just wanted to enjoy the time before he left, and to 'see what happened' from there."

But then my stupid romantic side says "but maybe..." And then I spend two hours crying because I just don't know. I hate it.

I think he's going to be hard to beat though, if he beat Kizisini.

And he did. Ohhh, did he ever. Kiz never let me touch his guitar, and Chakiz didn't mind, in fact he taught me chords on his guitar.

This is going to sound stupid, and I'd hate to believe it could never be possible, but I really want him to call me when he gets back... I want to know if he cares at all for me the way I think I might care for him.

And then, says my stricter, rational me:"You know, if you say that and hope for it, he'll come back, party for a week with his band like he repeatedly said he was going to, and then he'll leave again without even saying a word to you, and you'll spend all summer ignoring other boys just to be with someone who doesn't even think twice about you in a summertime. You'll be crushed, you know."

I fucking hate my rational side. I hate it for what it is and what it makes me feel. I hate that I can't hope for ten minutes without breaking into a bout of tears because of it.

"Shut the hell up, rational side. You know nothing about humans, do you?"

Gods. I hate being human.

July 4, 2008

So, I'm supposed to be emptying my bookshelf. Silver's already half packed to go to school, it's only July, but I should probably be following her example so that I'm not all rushed in August. Besides, she knows what she's doing.

I'm missing my most recent man-friend who went away to reserves camp, and now I'm just kind of single and floating--which, you'd think it would be easier to pick up guys being me, but, alas; not.
I think Silver and I learned not to try to pick up guys at bars. Number closes are really hard to get from guys. It should be the next big game show. Female PUAs try to get numbers. Even though technically silver and I aren't PUAs... Okay, more then technically. It just isn't going to happen. I think we're too normal for that. But I do employ some of the insane brain manouvering that men employ... I call it "stupidity".

Hahahahaa. Joking. Sorry to offend. I just thought it was kind of funny. Anyway, I think that I have given up on actually believing that I might meet someone who wants to be sober and hang out in and for the next two months, and I have limited myself to admitting that I am going to wait till I go away to make it serious. Which is actually what I want, believe it or not.

So, now I have to go clean my bookshelf off...
See you later!

June 30 2008

It's nearly July! I can't wait.

I also have this horrible problem: I can't go back to weird, ugly guys. I don't know what's wrong with me. I used to be good at dating nerds who were overweight, acne-prone and virgin-y... but I can't do it anymore.
OMG!
I'm what I hate.
And yet, I don't hate it so much anymore.

I mean, I think I gained STANDARDS!

Maybe that's why I've been single for so long. Because I just can't stand lowlifes anymore. I'm sick of trying to change guys. I hate it. If they aren't what I want, then I kick them out of my line of sight in the mating form.

I mean, the guys that I've been falling for are guys who are fun to party with, who are slightly bad, and who are hot. I mean, seriously manly goodloooking, omg I want to do you here good-looking.
No more weak, blonde, short, timid, quiet, need-a-drink-to-be-talkative guys. I hate them. Hell, I can't stand them. They never want to do anything.
"Hey, let's go toss a frisbee around"
"Hey, no. Let's watch tv instead".

I think that's my pet peeve, guys like that. It's such a waste of male anatomy. Not that I'm all go-go-go-go, but...
heh. Maybe, then again, maybe I am. Maybe I always have been. I like being busy. I've accurately filled up all my weeks. I am now overlapping things because I just don't have time.
And it's summer vacay.
Heh, maybe I am one of those go-go-go people.

That's weird. Didn't see that one coming.

June 24 2008

So, I went camping with Chakiz this passed(past?) weekend.
Amazing fun. Until Sunday/Monday, when I realized that there are so many differences between men and women that I'm boggled humans have survived this long.

First, we got there, and the first thing I do, is set up the shelter. I hop to the tent. Where are we putting it? Will it be okay here? How about here? Is it flat enough? Soft enough? Shaded? Out of the way of danger? Far enough away from the campfire and the food table? Yes, yes, yes, yes yes. I put it up. Then I get to arranging the inside. Chakiz, where would you like your sleeping bag? Your things? Which side do you want?

The first thing that he did was set up his hammock. The second he did was get out his guitar and lie in the hammock, while serenading me with 'Hey Jude' tabs--that I retrieved for him from his bag. The third thing that he did was went to the washroom.

Well, at least that explains how women have survived...

But, alas, that wasn't the only thing. There were really three things we did. We ate, slept, and layed around the campsite.

Oh, and we also went to the beach. Where I learned the second thing about men.
They're always right.

"Put on sunscreen; you'll get burned," says he.
"I haven't burned in three years," says I.
Long story short: I burned.
Badly.

"The cooler should go away in the back of the car," says he.
"Don't worry about it, the 'coons are scaring me with how close they're getting," says I.
Short story shorter: The 'coons ate well that night.


The third thing that I learned about men, is that they separate all of their little parts of life into compartments. When they say something, they mean it; nothing will sway their decision, because there's nothing to sway with.
Music is music; a job is a job; friends are friends; temporary lovers are temporary lovers; holidays are just that: holidays.
Nothing in their lives are connected the way that they are in women's lives. A bad day on the job will affect their sex life; a bad day in a supermarket line will throw a woman's life into depression.
But a man, a man will take it as far as the car, and then forget that it ever happened.

Damn, I wish I were a man, sometimes.

June, 20th 2008

So, in the last four months or so, I've heard from four guys that I used to date, who want to 'go play pool' or 'go for coffee'.
What the hell? I don't want to date anyone again! If I wanted you, I would have called you! Seriously!

Am I that much of a commodity?
Seriously?

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

And, what a time to get in touch with me, when I am set in t-2 months to move to Peterborough for THE REST OF MY LIFE!
Okay, well, maybe not that long. Just four years. But still... I won't be in Hamilton.

And all the guys I have around all the time, all the guys I hang out with, and they all want to get with me in the last two months of my stay in Hamilton.

Well, sorry to say it, guys, but I'm leaving. I'm not carrying any permanent relationships, unless Chakizetta wants to try an open ltr. Which, chances are, is impossible.

Fancy that. The guy I like is the guy who's not interested. Maybe in four years he will be.


Seriously, though! What the hell? I'm a terrible girlfriend, I can't stand being committed, I hate people half the time, I complain a lot, and... well, lots of things. I like being alone, I like having my way, I like being adored, I love attention, and I lavish the guy when I'm obsessed.

Why me?

Who am I kidding. I love the attention. It rocks. I especially love it when their faces fall when I say "I'm moving to Peterborough for school in two months."
Muahahahahaa....

June 13, 2008

I find myself saying "whatever" a lot lately...
"My summer's gonna suck." "Whatever."
"He's ignoring me again." "Whatever."
"I hate life." "Whatever."

I feel like two different people sometimes, one me that's an automatic jump in who doesn't think, and then the after-me, who smacks me inside my head and says "You're a friggen moron, why did you do that? Now I have to go clean up the mess you made..."

I wonder if I'm schizophrenic?

June 10, 2008

So, I talked to Chakiz today about what we are, and he made unbelievable amounts of sense, which makes me think that he's thought about it before... Which makes me think that he likes me... hahahahaa.
*dances joyously*
But we're not labeled at all, though. Which, is cool. I guess. I understand it now, so it's okay. He likes me, I like him, we occasionally please each other, and we're not attached at the hip.
Perfect, if you ask me.
It's because he's going away over the summer, and when he comes back, I leave for Peterborough. So, it'll be a long time before we're possibly going to see each other. So, why ruin it with regrets?
I don't know, makes sense. He's intelligent, you know. It's kind of nice, not to have to talk to a moron all the time. :P
And he's fun. And it will be a fun few weeks, before he leaves. Then a long, boring summer-I suppose I could change that. I'll work a lot. It will be nice. I'll always be busy.
And then school.
I still really like him.

June 9, 2008

Hm... I can't remember if this is the only june 9th entry. Sorry if it is.
So at work, I did a lot of thinking and decided to talk to Chakiz (who, btw, IS single... well... yeah. So now we're just... enjoying each other?)
Anyway, so I was getting sick of not knowing and being on the wall all the time-- because I really, really like him. But I don't want to be falling for him if he doesn't want me to, because then that would be one more guy I've been obsessed with that just DOESN'T want me like that. I would be very disappointed, because I really like this one.
And one more reason why I should like him: I said: "I think we need to talk" which usually, in dating land, translates to either "I've cheated on you" or "I'm dumping you"... but I've had guys laugh when I said that, only to have them then dump me with that line. Anyway, I think that I'd like to change this connotation. I don't mean that. I like Chakizetta a lot. So much. It's bad because I'm starting to think that if he wants to meet me half way, even him going away in the summer and me going away all school year, we could actually make this work. I want, more than anything right now, to make this work. Like, badly.
Very, very much. He has a personality that fights mine for dominance, but I don't know if one will ever really come out on top--but it's always interesting.
Anyway, I think I scared the poor tall man, because he was like... >eek< and just kinda buggered off of msn when I said that. Haha. Oops. So next time, I need to think up better words. 'Cause it's the exact opposite of what he thinks I meant that I did mean.
I just want to ask him if he wants to get more serious :O
Yeah. That's what I said.
I'll give up being single and all that jazz so that I can be happier with him.
I've gone insane.
Insanely insane.
Someone make sure I'm not sleeping:P But it makes me happy to think about it. I want this, a lot. In fact I feel all fuzzy about him.

Euw. I sound sickening.

It's the music: Carly Simon-You just call out my name
Maroon 5--Sunday Morning

OOh, caught the end of the one song when I remembered I was supposed to be writing them down. Haha. Then it went into Maroon 5.

Hm... I appreciate Chakiz.
I desire him.
I long for his touch,
and I even want his little mood swings to continue.

Mmm... and he smells so good. :D
And I get to keep him for like, three nights, all to myself! I'm going camping with him, at Turkey Point! I can't wait!:D I hope it's awesome. I'm so excited.

And, Trent U sent me the forms for the everything for rez. I got into LEC, Lady Eaton College, single room. :P Means I can have *friend(s)* over. And if Chakiz says he wants to go more serious, you can bet your ass that I'll drive all the friggen way to Hamilton to get him, to bring him back to dorm for three days, where I'll be happily entertaining him.
But Apparently people can't be over for more than three days at any one time.
It's weird.
;P I'll bet I just figured out another way around the system though. He can't stay in my room for more than three days, but he can stay in three of my friends' rooms for three days, and three days, and three days...lmao. Aah, finding ways around laws is so much fun.
Anyway, I lurve the way I feel right now; I'm not so horrible feeling like I have been all day because I was so confused about where we (chakiz and I) are. Now, at least, it's kind of out there, minus a few main ideas.

Guys, I really hope he's not weirded out. But it's too late to avoid bringing up now... So, wish me luck!

June 8, 2008

Man, my parents are annoying.
I bought a used Mac laptop--it was cheaper then my dell was. So I bought it. I'm not sure whether or not I want to keep or sell it--I'll probably keep it for a while and then use ebay to sell it off. Now, with that, I also think that it was a good decision--it was a good price and I did NOT have to pay for s&h.
Well, my dad was all "grr" because I didn't run the scheme past him first.
Well, guess what: I'm old enough to make decisions. It was in cash, it wasn't charge, and it was a clean deal.
I'm old enough to know that I have things to pay for, but who's to say I won't sell it for slightly more? Or even break even? I can, it's physically possible. Even if I lose a bit, it won't hurt me.
Man! The audacity.
The horrendous assumptions! Gar!

June 7, 2008

I don't know if I could deal with a man moving off to military all the time... I spend all my time thinking about them not being here, and wondering, and thinking, and I haven't even admitted how much I like him to him yet. Gods only know what would happen if I did.
Jeepers.

Okay, so I was just reading through old journal entries (of the diary that I keep on my computer), and this one strikes my fancy. It's so funny :P
Well, what did I do today?
I woke up
I went pee and brushed my teeth.
I brushed my hair. Actually, I think I brushed my hair before #2.
I ate some raisin bread with butter on it that I heated up in the morning.
I contemplated not going to school, and then did anyway.
I put all the school stuff in my backpack, except the two envelopes that I needed to bring. I did NOT get photocopies of my stuff.
I walked to school and got there close enough to on time that it counted.
I fought with my English teacher in my head. STICK IT TO THE MAN!
I threw myself on the floor and let out a bloodcurling screech, flailing wildly at the pain which coursed through my body like a soldering gun was being run up and down my extremities… Oh, wait, that wasn’t me. That was my daydream. Right. Story ideas.
I planned a bit more of the Kaylana story.
I left English before the bell rang because she dismissed us, and I walked to photography
Where I developed film.
I realized that my mp3 player is screwed up so badly that it won’t even be acknowledged as a media hardware… it keeps saying that the files are corrupted.
I went to lunch, and talked a lot. I ate pasta salad and tried dr.pepper chocolate-cherry, which was okay, I suppose. It would be gross to mix, though.
I talked to Josh, who said that the best thing to do to fix it is to search the player and Linux, or just to buy a new one.
I went to guidance and waited until I couldn’t wait anymore, and left.
I walked to my art classroom and ran into Kat who decided to tell me she was going to the washroom for a number two.
I laughed all the way to the art class with Teresa and Devon.
I did art, and complained a lot, but I think that I figured out what I’m doing for all my project components.
I looked at pictures of art that were abstract to try and understand what it was to be ‘abstract’.
I understood what abstract was, sort of.
I left art when the bell rang.
I put my stuff in my bag and stood up, and said goodbye to ms. Roglic, and to Teresa and Devon.
I walked east, S, stopped at my locker, S, and then to guidance, which was E, and stood around to pick up my Transcript. I didn’t get the stuff I needed to signed, since it’s at home. But that’s okay.
I walked to Communications where I sit now, only on the other side of the comm.. class, because there are no more computers on the wall, and I’m not kicking someone off, so I’m using my laptop, but there’s no Ethernet cable in the #5 port, so I can’t connect to the net… tonight. But I’ll fix that when I go out tonight and buy me an Ethernet cable. Yay!
I sat down and began to write the diary, and exactly what I had done that day. I’m currently thinking about just sitting and daydreaming of rugby, rugby men and sex. But that’s the future thought. And now I’m considering to write a story about Nifzeta and Edward, to continue “Post-secondary Love” Where they’re sort of like Kay and Mark, but not quite, because they get along, they meet on a sports team athletic meeting, and they’re really close before Mark gives up and tells her that he’s sleeping with her whether or not she wants to. Now I’m wondering if I can escape this infernal cold in any way, because I’m insanely cold.
I’m going to stand up and… probably have aneurisms. Which I can’t spell. Aneurism. Aneurism. Aneurism. Aneurism. Yeah, a-n-e-u-r-i-s-m. That’s about right.
I don’t know what I’ll do after that, nor do I think I should be conscious after that, so it won’t matter.

Hahahahahaahahahaha
I'm lmao right now. :P
Enjoy!

June 6, 2008

Today is Friday. I think I've fallen for this guy. I don't know how. It just happened. What a way to go. I want to date him. Seriously. I mean, really. To the point where I have to stop talking to avoid bringing up the issue. I'm sure I've offended him, but I hope the smiling is enough to keep him here...
Gah.
I like that word. Where did I get it from? Maybe Silver. Actually, probably Silver. She seems the most likely source.
Anyway.
Duhr. What happened to "I want to stay single so that I don't have to dump anyone before University?"
Now I'm thinking "Maybe I could work out a long-distance. I mean, three and a half hours isn't that bad, and we both like driving. It could work!"
*sigh* I like him. I really do. I like his little temper tantrums which aren't like any I've seen except for mine-where silence is the best offense. He does that! He does it well! Fight, fight, fight, drop the subject and sulk until you get your way:P.
Anyone who knows me and who's been in a fight with me knows that's the way to go. I always get my way with it.
Seriously. Man, I don't know... I think I'm going nuts again. Obsessing over things. Except, except that this one might come to fruition. This one could work. This one might be a good thing to obsess over. Hahaha, man, if he reads this, I'm going to be... crazily embarrassed. Maybe I should stop. Then again, why would he find this? I mean, seriously, no one knows about it unless I've told them about it--which I generally don't. And I don't label my posts, because this is more like a personal blog than a public one... And that's the way I like it.
Okay, well, I have to go wash the drool off of my face now. :D Bye!

June 5, 2008

Man. I want to be a fly.
A fly on the wall.
I have a severe interest in a guy. A guy at school, no less. And interest so severe that I've automatically contracted one-itis since I found out he didn't have a girlfriend.

And what makes it worse is that I see him, all the time. All the time. Every day. Well, not all the time. Gods, I'm not even dating him and all I can think about is him. Gah.
Ahahaha...oh, and like Mr. D said, I think he might have an interest in me, if Friday, Monday and Tuesday have anything at all to do with life.
But then today... I dunno. He seemed so uninterested. His body language was all off. Maybe he was just thinking, like G-Man said.
Hey! That would make sense. Okay. I'll go with that for now. I feel a little less stupid for being kind of confused, now.
Man, I hate understanding women. It makes men really, really confusing.

May 28, 2008

I hate, Hate, HATE today...
I'm not in a bad mood or anything, I'm just really pissed with everything. I don't know why.
And then I'm like... grr... I can't stand anything right now.
Everything is making me angry. Grr...
I need a mate. I've decided. Even if it's not suggested to be permanent, I need someone to be physically close to, because if I don't have someone, I get close to everyone, even people who have no interest in it.
Gah.
And that's weird, and then I feel bad for talking to them that day, and then they think I'm weird... which I suppose I am.
But... I don't want to be physical with someone I don't even know. I'm not into that. I need someone who's just there. And they understand that that's all it is.
Back to ex-BID?
I don't know. We kind of stopped talking.
It just ended. The. End.

*sigh* I think it was half my fault, but he didn't help either. It's not like he was clamouring for my attention. He has enough of it that he doesn't need mine anymore.

Frig. I hate being me sometimes. Morals and a high sex drive.
Great combination.
Frig.

May 27, 2008

aha-ha!(like jeff-fa-fa.)
So, my teacher has a laptop for sale for 500 dollars and he said he'd sell it to me if I wanted it.
It's a mac.
Of course I want it.

Aargh. I hate being at my house, though. I go to school for seven hours, come home, babysit for another two, run to work, come home, refuse to eat because I always feel so stressed... Honestly thinking of drinking again right now. Enough, at least, to make me a little less tense. I hate being like this, and since I met alcohol... well. I'm an aquarius. We're prone to always being absorbed into something we're really big on. Right now, I have so many things that it's not even funny. Well, I guess it's not that much, its just that right now, every single thing I decide WILL affect the rest of my natural life.
Seriously.

So seriously.
:P

May 26, 2008

So, there's this thing Pepper Ann... who's an old nickname for someone I knew a while back- told me about writing poems:
"Just write a bunch of stuff down on the paper, just a load of crap that kinda flows or has really odd suspense-it doesn't have to actually make sense!"
And I found out how truly right she was.
Some of my best poems are ones that I sat down with the most odd snap words, and wrote them. My favourite is one about the Journey of a Water Droplet-in one of my other threads of things, I think.
This is a new one:

Deep Blue

Creating the atmosphere
Light, bright and blue determines
The next movement;
Ethereal, the phantom floating
Above the grassy hill moans
And draws in superstitious fairy-tales
While I hold my breath
And judge the safety of the moment.
I throw my hand down to the dust
Where the feet of the naked ghost,
White and limp, they dangle below
Slowly transcending reality
And I investigate its cards
Thrown down in a gust of wind from
Nowhere, from unknown directions;
It has two aces, a king, and a queen
Which trumps my two, six, ace, and
Joker.

By Nifzeta Chizala.

Now, it actually has a meaning, and I think I like it for the humor and utter reality of such a fantastical nature. it's awesome.
With a little 'a'.
That was my awesome update... oh. And a guy from my art class (a good looking, but utterly un-single guy) who shall henceforth be named Chakizetta or Chakiz for short gave me the best idea ever.
Since I've run out of nicknames for guys that are hot, I'm going to go back to the old language that my cousin made up to name them, here and in stories. It's easier, and more secretive.
So, I'll re-find the language and re-name everyone. Mine's Nifzeta.
This guy is Chakiz.
I once dated a Kizisini.
Linc's a shortform (which, nearly everyone has, since names can get really long, and I guess there'll be a corresponding name/nickname list:

Nifzeta:Nifty
Chakizetta:Chakiz
Kizisini:Kiz
Lincstetti:Linc

But I'll never use Kiz, I killed him off, and besides, he has another name on here.
Wow, I stopped nicknaming bfs with nicknames after Kiz. That's nuts.
I haven't done it again, seriously. They never hear their nicknames, they just go up here... I used to call Kiz Kiz all the time. And no one after that.
Complex, much?

Don't answer that, it was rhetorical.
I guess I nickname some people still- Sha, Michatah, Silver, etc... but I'm not dating them.
Weird.

So there's this other hot guy at school, whose name I'm not going to say, because I haven't figured out his name yet (damn, I need to find that alphabet), but... *sigh* always thought he was gorgeous. And he's funny.
And he's human.
But he dated a girl I knew and she was... wow.

And damn Chakiz, always flirting. I guess, though, I'm getting a taste of my own medicine, since I do the same thing. All the time. To everyone with a penis. Now I'm single though, so I'm trying really hard to only flirt with guys who are unbelievably doable or who are single. Because sometimes it pays to flirt with a guy who's got a girlfriend if all you want is a summer-time romance...
Which is what I'm essentially after. Unless it turns into something more important, which I doubt, but can't absolutely deny could possibly happen.

Anyway, I need to go print off my poem, so... tata.:D

May 25 2008

Hmmm... I hope that this is the first blog for today... I think it is.
technologic-daft punk
So, I don't have much to say. Apprehensive today, about University. Not the going, but the fact that if I don't get this money thing figured out, I won't be able to go... So the Not Going, which would kill me.
I'm, like, obsessed with it.
*sigh*...
Ooh, short entry.

May 25, 2008

So, one of the things on the PUA website is GFTOW, go (verb) ten other women, which in my case will be "go find ten other women" which, since I am a chick that is straight, will then be "go find ten other men" or GFTOM. This GFTOM relates to one-itis, which is when the mindset of a PUA is stationed on one person.
So, it happened. That's what I get for doing the BID... who's an ex BID? I'm not D him anymore, I guess... since he hasn't brought it up; I assume he's lost interest.
Whatever.
Anyway, I have a tendency to concentrate on one man, like, the one I'm doing at the time. I don't do more than that, because then those days where other names pop out happen. Since I drink enough, that's not a good mix. So I stick to one, usually.
Well, One-itis set in, so I got weird around him; constantly shooting him IOIs (indicators of interest.) Well, how am I supposed to be picking up a guy if I'm only sending IOIs to the guy who's least likely to ever need me to pick him up?
Well, I know I get one-itis, but I never knew why, till I read another thing which said it was all in my head. It's all in your head.
I decided to test this theory, and the GFTOM theory.
Does it work?
Well, I haven't fucked ten other men, but I've been dating and flirting like my life depended on it, blocking out the guys who aren't worth my time, aren't single, or aren't interested and concentrated on people I didn't know, wanted to know better, or just plain thought they were hot.
Which has happened.
And, it's working. I now, honestly, don't care whether or not the BID wants to do me. He's not my problem, I have at least three other promising men waiting for me to call them.
Mmmm....
Anyway, that's what I wanted to say; that, as far as I can tell, one-itis IS in my head and GFTOM DOES work for me...maybe you should all try it.