October 17th, 2008

Okay. I'm getting sick of this guy thing. Seriously.
All of them. Every single one of the guys I know is on my nerves right now. Except the gay ones, or the ones I can't ever see myself with.
Well, and Kiz. I don't see how he even figures in anymore, it's been so long. He's just... history.
Unfortunately, the newest replacement for Kiz--the one with the personality and the one with the raver girlfriend who lives miles away... he seems to have taken up that place. Within six months of realizing I needed to change, else I would be doomed to be forever wishing Kiz would just see reason and a happy ending might therefore occur, I ended up screwing up AGAIN and finding someone else who's just as eager to step up and be the douche.
I don't know. I don't hate him, like I keep saying to myself.
I hate me, for not being able to deal when this kind of guy comes along. He's so... perfect. He's crazy. It suits me. He's random, and aloof. It keeps me amused and always thinking about him. I'm never bored. I get bored easily, and this kind of guy's so random.
He's forceful.
And I hate myself for wanting to relive every damned minute of it, because I know it will never come back. I think he blocked me on everything.
He will never be back. And I can't stop thinking about what he was like. And what he did. And comparing every new guy to him, because maybe, just maybe, I'll find a replacement.
Yesterday, I was in a really bad mood, because two nights ago, I was up really late. As I was in that half state between awake and sleep, I caught a whiff of him. Just... his smell. So perfect. So comforting. And while I tried to find the smell again right then, at five o'clock in the morning, for ten minutes, TEN MINUTES, I searched just to smell his scent, and I realized it.
I have hit the lowest of lows.
Again.


It's not him I hate for it, it's me. I hate how I react to a certain breed. A breed that I will never conquer but always want to. And in wanting to, that's who I'll be most attracted to.
I hate myself. I want to step out for a few days, take a few days off from my memories and my past, and just... step out. I want a coma to last a few days so I can sleep, so I can sleep without dreaming any more dreams. Because they're good dreams. They make me happy. And then I wake up and wish I could dream again. I've gotten to insomniac because I just don't want to sleep. It's easier to just stay awake and not sleep, keep busy and distract myself.
But there's only so much I can do before I a)fall asleep or
b)hate myself again.
Like now. I hate me right now.
I hate him.
I hate me.

I hate me.
I hate us both.