Hm... I miss chivalrousness in men. I think that's why I'm still single. I want a man who's oging to be honourable, and a lack of honour and loyalty turns me off.
Now that that's stated, I also can't stand meekness. They have to have enough confidence that they're not going to back down when something steps in their way.
I want perfection.
I want a storybook romance.
And I'm going to find it or die an old maid... with a few manslaves, because just because I'm single doesn't mean I can't keep myself happy. I just will forever be a wandering spirit, haunted with loneliness.
*sigh* I'm lonely now. I can only hope that getting out of where I am will help that.
I've noticed that I'm not happy here, and haven't been since last September; I feel stifled, and unable to move. For a while it was solved after I broke off all my male-female relationships. But recently everytime I go to the mountain brow's edge, I get lost... it's weird, I know. And it sounds depressing, but... I don't know. It's hard to explain. I just feel this crazy need to leave, to get away, and to express myself differently; I need to find something, I'm lost and something's not right. I'm not going to kill myself, or do something crazy, but I sure will be glad to get away and explore different things, until I get comfortable again. And that sure as heck isn't going to be here.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
May 19, 2008
Well, I've decided that one-itis is unapprovable for me. I don't think that Zack's going to do it for me, since he's clearly a player and not much else. The game's amazing, but the players are messed up. I can say that, since I'm attempting to figure out men. What I've discovered, is that I find it really hard to say "no, I have no interest in you, begone vile thing."
Even when the guy's trapped me against a wall and is kissing me. "No" should be easy. "No" should be simple and not so hard. Now, I'm not exactly easy, per se, because as soon as they start touching me I move. But a kiss? Not so bad, I guess. I mean, worst comes, I die of pneumonia or something of the likes.
Stupid Zack. Why couldn't you just be normal, like you used to be?
I guess I shouldn't hold anything against him, since I knew, once again, what I was getting into. I can't keep anyone anyway. Trent's too close, too soon. I will look when I'm there.
Three and a half months, now.
Half of May, and then June, July and August... Part of August. I'm excited. So excited to go. :D
I can't wait.
Let's see... rugby. I kicked my first conversion a little while ago, that was nice. We won the game. Now we're going to go try out for Stoney Creek.
:D I love rugby so much...
Sigh, though, on the guy thing. Only ugly guys seem to hang out at bars. What's up with that? I need to go find a place to find guys. We need a guy store. Definitely.
Haha. The only way to hang out with a good guy is to join a co-ed sport, and the only way to play well is to act like a guy--which, truthfully, I don't think that guys are impressed by a woman who's definitely stronger and probably more cunning.
EDIT: From now on, btw, BID means something along the lines of : Guy I'm seeing but not really in a relationship other than FB, but not a booty call; not a LTR or a STR because it may or may not be a little of all three; but not one in particular.
Therefore, Zack shall be known as BID1 simply because that's what he is. Ahahahaha. Haha. I love the mASF. Gorgeous people's minds on there. I also love acronyms...
Even when the guy's trapped me against a wall and is kissing me. "No" should be easy. "No" should be simple and not so hard. Now, I'm not exactly easy, per se, because as soon as they start touching me I move. But a kiss? Not so bad, I guess. I mean, worst comes, I die of pneumonia or something of the likes.
Stupid Zack. Why couldn't you just be normal, like you used to be?
I guess I shouldn't hold anything against him, since I knew, once again, what I was getting into. I can't keep anyone anyway. Trent's too close, too soon. I will look when I'm there.
Three and a half months, now.
Half of May, and then June, July and August... Part of August. I'm excited. So excited to go. :D
I can't wait.
Let's see... rugby. I kicked my first conversion a little while ago, that was nice. We won the game. Now we're going to go try out for Stoney Creek.
:D I love rugby so much...
Sigh, though, on the guy thing. Only ugly guys seem to hang out at bars. What's up with that? I need to go find a place to find guys. We need a guy store. Definitely.
Haha. The only way to hang out with a good guy is to join a co-ed sport, and the only way to play well is to act like a guy--which, truthfully, I don't think that guys are impressed by a woman who's definitely stronger and probably more cunning.
EDIT: From now on, btw, BID means something along the lines of : Guy I'm seeing but not really in a relationship other than FB, but not a booty call; not a LTR or a STR because it may or may not be a little of all three; but not one in particular.
Therefore, Zack shall be known as BID1 simply because that's what he is. Ahahahaha. Haha. I love the mASF. Gorgeous people's minds on there. I also love acronyms...
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
May 13 2008
So, I played rugby today. WEKILLED! It rocked. I actually kicked a conversion. It also rocked. I was happy :D
And... Yep. That about sums up my night, except for the random guy who, aside from the obvious distrust of society, pretty hot. I was downtown having a beer with one of my buddies who had just shown me the lister block, which is supposed to be demolished, when some guy walking by caught my eye. I have this thing of late about keeping eye contact. I refuse to release it until I can't keep it and my stance-thereby keeping the power. Makes guys more intruigued. Well, he held mine and I held his, and as he walked by, he said to my buddy: "I'd fuck your girlfriend", to which I immediately replied, "I'd fuck me too."
That made my day.
Is that sad?
And... Yep. That about sums up my night, except for the random guy who, aside from the obvious distrust of society, pretty hot. I was downtown having a beer with one of my buddies who had just shown me the lister block, which is supposed to be demolished, when some guy walking by caught my eye. I have this thing of late about keeping eye contact. I refuse to release it until I can't keep it and my stance-thereby keeping the power. Makes guys more intruigued. Well, he held mine and I held his, and as he walked by, he said to my buddy: "I'd fuck your girlfriend", to which I immediately replied, "I'd fuck me too."
That made my day.
Is that sad?
Monday, May 12, 2008
May 12 2008
So, I get the car!
Well, it won't be the bug I was looking at, but I'll go to res AND have a vehicle-because my dad got a different one:D
GO ME!
That's all. I'm tired, I just wante
Well, it won't be the bug I was looking at, but I'll go to res AND have a vehicle-because my dad got a different one:D
GO ME!
That's all. I'm tired, I just wante
Monday, April 28, 2008
April 28/08
Well, here's the honest to goodness up-to-the-minute- thought process:
So here’s the new one. I have no other place to keep a diary, since every other thing that I had one on happens to have downsides. Well. That’s not good since I need a place to write my innermost thoughts or else I get all confused and muddled and often depressed and then my work threatens to fire me. Since we know how bad that is, let me get this out.
I really think that that Baker boy is good looking. I don’t know how intelligent he is, but man, is he a nice something to look at. I walked into him in the office today-not intentionally, mind you, but *sigh* is my only point.
Do you know what, though? I think that when I’m around people that I find attractive, I get more aware of what I’m doing and what I look like and become really… aloof? I think the word would be. It’s really annoying and something to do to hide the stupid fear I feel around an attractive person because that’s what happens-it’s my survival mechanism. GAH!
I get all fake-confidence and annoying and “better than thou” and that’s what drives people away. It’s not like I’m afraid of the guy…wait. Who am I kidding? It’s exactly that. I’m terrified that he’ll dislike me, so I make myself cold enough that he won’t like me, so I’m not disappointed that he might not when he doesn’t. I hate what I am, a lot. That’s why I never fall in love with the people I’m with; it’s because if I’m dating them, then we’re only close enough to be friends and it could never go further.
Hem. I wonder…
The next time I see someone I like, I’ll smile at them instead of just being cold and nervous. Yes. I will. I will not only smile at them, I will also say “Hi, I’m Amy.” Because saying “Hi, I’m Amy and if you play your cards right and show some intelligence I might actually date you” sounds sort of… obnoxious. Okay, yes, really obnoxious.
Hem, this Pat Baker thing sort of lasted a long time. It’s probably because he’s that guy I don’t want to reach for, so I’m going to just admire from afar… I guess I am slightly afraid of him, because he hangs out with people I’ve never associated with and to go out with a guy from a different friend class means that I’ll have to start talking to the other group… Unless there’s a cool meshing of groups and we all just end up friends… Ha-ha.
Like that will ever happen. Like, in a million years, like. Never.
Maybe I should write a story on this. Hm.
Nifzeta and the good looking boy with dark hair walk into a bar and say ouch.
Ahhahahahahahahaahahahaahahahahaa*cough, cough*hahahahahaahahahahhahahahaahahaaaaaa*cough*hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah*sneeze*!
Right. Maybe. But anyway, that wasn’t the point of all this. The whole point is that I’m thoroughly disappointed in the number spelling mistakes (which are actually “Hems and just underlined. And the other whole point is that I’m a wimp and I’m too terrified to ask a guy out even though I’m really well versed in dating and mating and all that.
So. Next time I see him, I will introduce myself and I will talk to him, after I find out if he’s dating someone. Because he’s hot.
Or maybe I’ll just talk to him anyway. Even if I don’t know if he’s dating someone. I heard that he dated Natalie Scoccia (Sp?) last year, but that doesn’t mean much, as far as I’m concerned.
Man, he’s good looking.
Fits the bill for that dream man, too… except for the intelligence, unless he’s already taken smart courses while I was falling back to the dumb ones.
Then again, he doesn’t really make himself available at all… I think that was the first time that I’ve seen him this semester, even in the caf and hallways and places that are usually frequented. Then again, I know that I haven’t seen Tanner and the guys that Baker hangs out with often, either. That could be, though, because by the time that you hit returned grade 12, you’re old enough to know that the foyer isn’t cool to hang in…. it would be hilarious if that was where he hung out.
Haha, this sub’s hilarious. She’s wandering around the room watching what everyone’s doing to make sure we’rea ll doing work. Uh oh, I think that maybe Nolan’s back. I was…nope. Some gym teacher with no hair.
Damnit! I wish I had have said something to Pat while we were in the office. It’s that three second rule about people. If, in the first three second of seeing them you don’t start hitting on them, you shouldn’t. Because after that you’ve psyched yourself out so much that you’re terrified of talking in the first place.
And then they walk past you even though they spent a good three seconds looking at you too.
Of course. *smacks self in head*.
Man, he’s good looking. I’m angry with myself for not saying something. Arghhhghghghg.
“Hi, I’m Amy. I don’t know you, but I’d like to.”
Is it really that hard? Is it? I so missed out on that. Gah.
And so I just spent some time doing that, and complaining how dumb I am, and how much of a wimp I am, and how awkward I am in society, I’m going to get back to my work so that Nolan doesn’t kill us all when he gets back and finds out we spent a half hour writing a diary labeled Stuff under the CommTech Folder of my homework. Yes. That’s exactly what I’m going to do, right as soon as I’m not terribly gah’ed about this thing.
Ah, man. He’s amazing looking, and tall, and has gorgeous hair. And he looks serious and really moody which could be because he’s never smiling… Sigh. Sigh in my head and out loud. *sigh*.
This stupid obsession thing’s not going so well for me. I always have… I don’t want to call “crushes” crushes because it sounds childish, but I guess that’s what this is, technically.
So here’s the new one. I have no other place to keep a diary, since every other thing that I had one on happens to have downsides. Well. That’s not good since I need a place to write my innermost thoughts or else I get all confused and muddled and often depressed and then my work threatens to fire me. Since we know how bad that is, let me get this out.
I really think that that Baker boy is good looking. I don’t know how intelligent he is, but man, is he a nice something to look at. I walked into him in the office today-not intentionally, mind you, but *sigh* is my only point.
Do you know what, though? I think that when I’m around people that I find attractive, I get more aware of what I’m doing and what I look like and become really… aloof? I think the word would be. It’s really annoying and something to do to hide the stupid fear I feel around an attractive person because that’s what happens-it’s my survival mechanism. GAH!
I get all fake-confidence and annoying and “better than thou” and that’s what drives people away. It’s not like I’m afraid of the guy…wait. Who am I kidding? It’s exactly that. I’m terrified that he’ll dislike me, so I make myself cold enough that he won’t like me, so I’m not disappointed that he might not when he doesn’t. I hate what I am, a lot. That’s why I never fall in love with the people I’m with; it’s because if I’m dating them, then we’re only close enough to be friends and it could never go further.
Hem. I wonder…
The next time I see someone I like, I’ll smile at them instead of just being cold and nervous. Yes. I will. I will not only smile at them, I will also say “Hi, I’m Amy.” Because saying “Hi, I’m Amy and if you play your cards right and show some intelligence I might actually date you” sounds sort of… obnoxious. Okay, yes, really obnoxious.
Hem, this Pat Baker thing sort of lasted a long time. It’s probably because he’s that guy I don’t want to reach for, so I’m going to just admire from afar… I guess I am slightly afraid of him, because he hangs out with people I’ve never associated with and to go out with a guy from a different friend class means that I’ll have to start talking to the other group… Unless there’s a cool meshing of groups and we all just end up friends… Ha-ha.
Like that will ever happen. Like, in a million years, like. Never.
Maybe I should write a story on this. Hm.
Nifzeta and the good looking boy with dark hair walk into a bar and say ouch.
Ahhahahahahahahaahahahaahahahahaa*cough, cough*hahahahahaahahahahhahahahaahahaaaaaa*cough*hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah*sneeze*!
Right. Maybe. But anyway, that wasn’t the point of all this. The whole point is that I’m thoroughly disappointed in the number spelling mistakes (which are actually “Hems and just underlined. And the other whole point is that I’m a wimp and I’m too terrified to ask a guy out even though I’m really well versed in dating and mating and all that.
So. Next time I see him, I will introduce myself and I will talk to him, after I find out if he’s dating someone. Because he’s hot.
Or maybe I’ll just talk to him anyway. Even if I don’t know if he’s dating someone. I heard that he dated Natalie Scoccia (Sp?) last year, but that doesn’t mean much, as far as I’m concerned.
Man, he’s good looking.
Fits the bill for that dream man, too… except for the intelligence, unless he’s already taken smart courses while I was falling back to the dumb ones.
Then again, he doesn’t really make himself available at all… I think that was the first time that I’ve seen him this semester, even in the caf and hallways and places that are usually frequented. Then again, I know that I haven’t seen Tanner and the guys that Baker hangs out with often, either. That could be, though, because by the time that you hit returned grade 12, you’re old enough to know that the foyer isn’t cool to hang in…. it would be hilarious if that was where he hung out.
Haha, this sub’s hilarious. She’s wandering around the room watching what everyone’s doing to make sure we’rea ll doing work. Uh oh, I think that maybe Nolan’s back. I was…nope. Some gym teacher with no hair.
Damnit! I wish I had have said something to Pat while we were in the office. It’s that three second rule about people. If, in the first three second of seeing them you don’t start hitting on them, you shouldn’t. Because after that you’ve psyched yourself out so much that you’re terrified of talking in the first place.
And then they walk past you even though they spent a good three seconds looking at you too.
Of course. *smacks self in head*.
Man, he’s good looking. I’m angry with myself for not saying something. Arghhhghghghg.
“Hi, I’m Amy. I don’t know you, but I’d like to.”
Is it really that hard? Is it? I so missed out on that. Gah.
And so I just spent some time doing that, and complaining how dumb I am, and how much of a wimp I am, and how awkward I am in society, I’m going to get back to my work so that Nolan doesn’t kill us all when he gets back and finds out we spent a half hour writing a diary labeled Stuff under the CommTech Folder of my homework. Yes. That’s exactly what I’m going to do, right as soon as I’m not terribly gah’ed about this thing.
Ah, man. He’s amazing looking, and tall, and has gorgeous hair. And he looks serious and really moody which could be because he’s never smiling… Sigh. Sigh in my head and out loud. *sigh*.
This stupid obsession thing’s not going so well for me. I always have… I don’t want to call “crushes” crushes because it sounds childish, but I guess that’s what this is, technically.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
April 27 2008
I don't know why, but I am what I detest.
Goddamned Game. I hate you. I hate you and your powers over womens' psychological responses to everything.
I will not be obsessed over Zack, because although he is amazingly intelligent, he is also arrogant and uncaring.
I will not let myself be controlled by said game, and I will win. I don't care. I'm not playing at these loggets anymore, because I'm sick of it. If he wants to go out, he'd better damn well call me. I'm not trying anymore. I'm also going to go make some potential mate friends, because the current zip that I have (save for zack, who rises in my mind like fresh yeast every fricken day) isn't working for me. I need a fawning base or my powers are useless.
AGAHAHAHA. Yes, I'm insane. Yes, I have problems, but no, I will not change. I will just stop. Gah. I hate relationships. And I'm sure I know why I need this non-serious thing. Why can't I honestly do it? I mean, seriously. Clearly Zack has no interest in doing anything but me, but man, why couldn't he just be less confusing? One second, he'll be all hardcore male who wants one thing, and the next he'll be stroking my back or my hair in a non-threatening manner and bringing to rise the likes of feelings of being protected and happy that I haven't felt since backcatcher... who ended up being a case of obsession for me... for two long, pitiful years... not including the time spent BEFORE we dated. Urgh. I'm prone to this obsession thing, aren't I? I make myself want to puke. Or bring up the subject with Zack. Or both, at the same time.
I think it's unfair, though, because I could have had Zack, except there were other things that he found more important. And then he says he was stupid for shutting us down, and then he also lists how single he wants to stay. I hate people with no purpose or ambition. I also hate me for obsessing enough to write a blog about him when there's a perfectly hot pitcher talking to me about coming to a rugby practice or a lunch, and still wondering why I'm not good enough to make Zack want me.
God, I hate being me. I hate my thought processes. I hate my constant analysis of things. I hate how I have to be different. I hate that I can't follow a trend, I hate my uncertainty (Can anyone say hamlet?), I hate my need to be brave and unfeminine in anything more than physicality, I hate my competitiveness, I hate the stress I put on myself, I hate so much, and I still hate. I hate the way I will forever try to understand why I can't just be happy with myself and be who I am and accept that I might be or not be accepted.
I hate most of what makes me individual.
Someone left out this part of growing up. How do I deal with myself when I'm in this mood? Who teaches us how to be accepting and agreeable? I think I missed that lesson. I can accept the idea that somewhere, we share the world with everything. I understand the idea that I can't comprehend nothing or everything. I can even see that I am a minute speck in the overall everything of the world and existence itself. So why do I think at all? Why not just live life a speck, if that's all I am. Is there meaning? Because I don't think that Heaven is a good enough reason. I don't believe we have meanings, because that would mean that there's fate, and I don't think that I believe in fate. So, I suppose that it means that I believe that there's something I need to do, for me, and me alone. Not even to self-actualize and bring a child into the world. I don't know if I even have interest in that. Well, not now anyways. I'm only nineteen.
I think I'm schizo. I think I might have multiple personalities. Or at very least bi-polar. I have very different sides and a good acting skill to cover what I can't pass off. I hate me. I want to give up. Sleep it is.
Good night, then. Sleep well, and don't let the bedbugs bite.
~Nifzeta
Goddamned Game. I hate you. I hate you and your powers over womens' psychological responses to everything.
I will not be obsessed over Zack, because although he is amazingly intelligent, he is also arrogant and uncaring.
I will not let myself be controlled by said game, and I will win. I don't care. I'm not playing at these loggets anymore, because I'm sick of it. If he wants to go out, he'd better damn well call me. I'm not trying anymore. I'm also going to go make some potential mate friends, because the current zip that I have (save for zack, who rises in my mind like fresh yeast every fricken day) isn't working for me. I need a fawning base or my powers are useless.
AGAHAHAHA. Yes, I'm insane. Yes, I have problems, but no, I will not change. I will just stop. Gah. I hate relationships. And I'm sure I know why I need this non-serious thing. Why can't I honestly do it? I mean, seriously. Clearly Zack has no interest in doing anything but me, but man, why couldn't he just be less confusing? One second, he'll be all hardcore male who wants one thing, and the next he'll be stroking my back or my hair in a non-threatening manner and bringing to rise the likes of feelings of being protected and happy that I haven't felt since backcatcher... who ended up being a case of obsession for me... for two long, pitiful years... not including the time spent BEFORE we dated. Urgh. I'm prone to this obsession thing, aren't I? I make myself want to puke. Or bring up the subject with Zack. Or both, at the same time.
I think it's unfair, though, because I could have had Zack, except there were other things that he found more important. And then he says he was stupid for shutting us down, and then he also lists how single he wants to stay. I hate people with no purpose or ambition. I also hate me for obsessing enough to write a blog about him when there's a perfectly hot pitcher talking to me about coming to a rugby practice or a lunch, and still wondering why I'm not good enough to make Zack want me.
God, I hate being me. I hate my thought processes. I hate my constant analysis of things. I hate how I have to be different. I hate that I can't follow a trend, I hate my uncertainty (Can anyone say hamlet?), I hate my need to be brave and unfeminine in anything more than physicality, I hate my competitiveness, I hate the stress I put on myself, I hate so much, and I still hate. I hate the way I will forever try to understand why I can't just be happy with myself and be who I am and accept that I might be or not be accepted.
I hate most of what makes me individual.
Someone left out this part of growing up. How do I deal with myself when I'm in this mood? Who teaches us how to be accepting and agreeable? I think I missed that lesson. I can accept the idea that somewhere, we share the world with everything. I understand the idea that I can't comprehend nothing or everything. I can even see that I am a minute speck in the overall everything of the world and existence itself. So why do I think at all? Why not just live life a speck, if that's all I am. Is there meaning? Because I don't think that Heaven is a good enough reason. I don't believe we have meanings, because that would mean that there's fate, and I don't think that I believe in fate. So, I suppose that it means that I believe that there's something I need to do, for me, and me alone. Not even to self-actualize and bring a child into the world. I don't know if I even have interest in that. Well, not now anyways. I'm only nineteen.
I think I'm schizo. I think I might have multiple personalities. Or at very least bi-polar. I have very different sides and a good acting skill to cover what I can't pass off. I hate me. I want to give up. Sleep it is.
Good night, then. Sleep well, and don't let the bedbugs bite.
~Nifzeta
Monday, April 21, 2008
April 21 2008
Aah. I'm in a good mood today for no particular reason. My laptop currently has a virus-ish-non-virus on it, so I can't actually use it. I'm at school right now, which kind of sucks, but I guess that's okay. I knew it would suck, and was prepped for it already. I worked all weekend. Didn't do anything interesting. Had a great conversation at school lunch today... it trasversed over several points of interest that I honestly had to get in on... So I did. That took like, an hour of my life. I miss doing stuff like that. Awesome discussions that last so long you don't even know where the day went... I miss Westmount for that. It was a nice school, with intelligent people, and the best part was that there was always a reason to study.
I am a competitive person. I have always been so.
And I just realized it.
I thought that when I hit rugby, I just got competitive. No, it's not true. I've always competed for highest marks. Then I met Backcatcher and no longer had to compete. But it wasn't because of him, it was something that I realized when I was with him: I didn't like how stressed I was all the time. I am a high-stress person.
And when I'm not, I'm irritable and unlikable.
So, the choice is: Mellow and irritable loner or high stress and slightly excited all the time.
I think I liked it better when I would pick up a random book for the sake of reading, and enjoying knowing more than everyone else. Yeah.
I like the competition that I have to beat. Lauren left, I can't compete with her anymore... but Michelle in photography, I can beat her.
In art, I'm not really doing it to beat anyone, though, because I like art for art. Though, when I got angry, or tired, I did better. So, I think I'll put off art till I feel like artsy. What else? English? Well, I rock English when I want to. I don't even have to work hard. So, I figure, if I just show up and do my work, I'll kill the class and be done with it.
As for my comtech class... i don't know. It's computers, and I guess I kinda like it... but I'm not interested in everything, only components. So... I'll work on it, but there's no challenge, at all.
Anyway, the whole point of this was that I learned that I need to be stressed to be happy. If there's no problem, I'm uncomfortable, because there's nothing to do. That means that it's about time I returned to my roots. It's time that I stop being all "Depressed Nifty" and get back into intelligence.
I also realized that I can't stand stupid people, and I think my choices of mates has proven that. I'm single. Does that give you an idea...?
Then again, I can't say I don't enjoy the idea of fooling around with a random football player, because they're always the hot ones. eh? Eh? Anyone else up for a hot rugby/football/basketball(hey, they're tall...not always good looking, but they are tall)/track&field player?
I am... That's for sure. Just not in a date-date-relation. I hate it when I'm conversing with myself.
It happens all the time at my house; I'll be talking about some hugely pointless topic (beezlebufo, eg?) and everyone just blanks me out. Now, I have a habit of jumping from idea to idea, and important stuff gets mixed in with the simple theorizing, and then everyone who blanks me out after a minute (everyone) all miss the important thing I just said. Usually it's about me working, or other stuff.
But, yeah... So... Yeah. I like intelligent conversations. They make me think. I like thinking. Thinking is productive. I think I need to go read some literature. :D
Or work on my commtech.
I am a competitive person. I have always been so.
And I just realized it.
I thought that when I hit rugby, I just got competitive. No, it's not true. I've always competed for highest marks. Then I met Backcatcher and no longer had to compete. But it wasn't because of him, it was something that I realized when I was with him: I didn't like how stressed I was all the time. I am a high-stress person.
And when I'm not, I'm irritable and unlikable.
So, the choice is: Mellow and irritable loner or high stress and slightly excited all the time.
I think I liked it better when I would pick up a random book for the sake of reading, and enjoying knowing more than everyone else. Yeah.
I like the competition that I have to beat. Lauren left, I can't compete with her anymore... but Michelle in photography, I can beat her.
In art, I'm not really doing it to beat anyone, though, because I like art for art. Though, when I got angry, or tired, I did better. So, I think I'll put off art till I feel like artsy. What else? English? Well, I rock English when I want to. I don't even have to work hard. So, I figure, if I just show up and do my work, I'll kill the class and be done with it.
As for my comtech class... i don't know. It's computers, and I guess I kinda like it... but I'm not interested in everything, only components. So... I'll work on it, but there's no challenge, at all.
Anyway, the whole point of this was that I learned that I need to be stressed to be happy. If there's no problem, I'm uncomfortable, because there's nothing to do. That means that it's about time I returned to my roots. It's time that I stop being all "Depressed Nifty" and get back into intelligence.
I also realized that I can't stand stupid people, and I think my choices of mates has proven that. I'm single. Does that give you an idea...?
Then again, I can't say I don't enjoy the idea of fooling around with a random football player, because they're always the hot ones. eh? Eh? Anyone else up for a hot rugby/football/basketball(hey, they're tall...not always good looking, but they are tall)/track&field player?
I am... That's for sure. Just not in a date-date-relation. I hate it when I'm conversing with myself.
It happens all the time at my house; I'll be talking about some hugely pointless topic (beezlebufo, eg?) and everyone just blanks me out. Now, I have a habit of jumping from idea to idea, and important stuff gets mixed in with the simple theorizing, and then everyone who blanks me out after a minute (everyone) all miss the important thing I just said. Usually it's about me working, or other stuff.
But, yeah... So... Yeah. I like intelligent conversations. They make me think. I like thinking. Thinking is productive. I think I need to go read some literature. :D
Or work on my commtech.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
April 13 2008
So yesterday...last night...way early this morning, I went out with Alyssa and her friends in Welland... Her girlfriends... We were a group of four over nineteen-but-still-not-old and we were all pretty darn good looking, if I do say so myself. One of her friend's mom was the designated driver, so we went to Niagara Falls and to a strip club called Pepper Mints.
OMG.
That's right, I spoke IM.
And then I decided that while I am single, I am going to start hitting on pretty boys. I mean, I totally get that the guys at the club who were working there are just after money, and have no interest in me, but there were like, two who kept sidling by me shooting me looks like "I'll give you a lapdance, baby."
*sigh*
The only thing that I found really took anything away from the experience was the fact that my overlogical brain (No thanks to Zack who introduced me to the logical way of thinking about PUAs) decided to completely take everything that they did apart and try to understand or pinpoint what they were doing and why. And how people would react. But these guys, I'm sure, would be better off learning the game. I think one might be a natural, but he didn't use all of the techniques. I paid for that one.
Oh, I also noticed that a girl, a girl who is stripping does not need to act. She does not need to be a character. She can slowly, coyly remove her clothes and a man will be happy.
A guy on the other hand, the guys all played standard female fantasies. I went to centre stage with the guy who acted as the dirty doctor, because I value intelligence, overall in a man and the mere idea of an intelligent male who definitely has a chiseled, rock-hard set of abs just drives me over the edge. Or a rich, intelligent businessman, or a sexy intelligent linguistics major...You get the point. Intelligence is nice. Very nice. But so's a body that's not flubby. And I actually learned that it didn't matter how much they weighed as long as I could see some form of a nice ass. Wait, can I say ass on blogger? I guess so. I think I've done it before.
Yeah, so I learned a lot about my preferences. Especially when I was getting the lapdance onstage. That was fun. The girls thought I looked like I needed a lapdance, so they bought me one. Which technically was, like, six, because I was onstage and all the guys who stripped were giving me one.
That was hot.
And it's not my fault if they have scratchmarks. I'm particularly uncontrollable when I am being touched, and those guys were hot. The one guy grabbed my hair and yanked it back and kissed my neck:D I'll take that any day. I just can't remember who it was.
I also noticed that aside from my group and one other, the large majority of the rest of the strip club was old, and really heavy. I had an awesome time, but I know I could go anywhere and pretty much pick up a guy(which I didn't do yesterday).
But some of these women looked starved for male attention. I mean, they were like, pawing them, and doing things that I think might have gone a little far.
All these ladies could solve that by dressing better. They looked a little too interested to be trouble to pick up in real life (that's right, I know that a strip club's all pretend. And just think, Some people have no idea. That's kinda sad. I know. I was like "Gah! Why can't we find guys like this in real life?" and silver's like "What do you mean? This is real life!"
Well. No, it's not. These guys said the same thing, line for line when they were trying to make me buy a lapdance. I think the one guy did the "ignore the girl you want and talk to her friends thing" and clearly it worked. I did want a lapdance, though. But these guys were like, "Where are you from?" "hamilton" "Oh, the Hammer?"
Two or three of them used the same opener, down to the timing.
Sad, but true.
I think they need a PUA in there. I think PUAs should just all become strippers. It would be easier to give my money away. :D
OMG.
That's right, I spoke IM.
And then I decided that while I am single, I am going to start hitting on pretty boys. I mean, I totally get that the guys at the club who were working there are just after money, and have no interest in me, but there were like, two who kept sidling by me shooting me looks like "I'll give you a lapdance, baby."
*sigh*
The only thing that I found really took anything away from the experience was the fact that my overlogical brain (No thanks to Zack who introduced me to the logical way of thinking about PUAs) decided to completely take everything that they did apart and try to understand or pinpoint what they were doing and why. And how people would react. But these guys, I'm sure, would be better off learning the game. I think one might be a natural, but he didn't use all of the techniques. I paid for that one.
Oh, I also noticed that a girl, a girl who is stripping does not need to act. She does not need to be a character. She can slowly, coyly remove her clothes and a man will be happy.
A guy on the other hand, the guys all played standard female fantasies. I went to centre stage with the guy who acted as the dirty doctor, because I value intelligence, overall in a man and the mere idea of an intelligent male who definitely has a chiseled, rock-hard set of abs just drives me over the edge. Or a rich, intelligent businessman, or a sexy intelligent linguistics major...You get the point. Intelligence is nice. Very nice. But so's a body that's not flubby. And I actually learned that it didn't matter how much they weighed as long as I could see some form of a nice ass. Wait, can I say ass on blogger? I guess so. I think I've done it before.
Yeah, so I learned a lot about my preferences. Especially when I was getting the lapdance onstage. That was fun. The girls thought I looked like I needed a lapdance, so they bought me one. Which technically was, like, six, because I was onstage and all the guys who stripped were giving me one.
That was hot.
And it's not my fault if they have scratchmarks. I'm particularly uncontrollable when I am being touched, and those guys were hot. The one guy grabbed my hair and yanked it back and kissed my neck:D I'll take that any day. I just can't remember who it was.
I also noticed that aside from my group and one other, the large majority of the rest of the strip club was old, and really heavy. I had an awesome time, but I know I could go anywhere and pretty much pick up a guy(which I didn't do yesterday).
But some of these women looked starved for male attention. I mean, they were like, pawing them, and doing things that I think might have gone a little far.
All these ladies could solve that by dressing better. They looked a little too interested to be trouble to pick up in real life (that's right, I know that a strip club's all pretend. And just think, Some people have no idea. That's kinda sad. I know. I was like "Gah! Why can't we find guys like this in real life?" and silver's like "What do you mean? This is real life!"
Well. No, it's not. These guys said the same thing, line for line when they were trying to make me buy a lapdance. I think the one guy did the "ignore the girl you want and talk to her friends thing" and clearly it worked. I did want a lapdance, though. But these guys were like, "Where are you from?" "hamilton" "Oh, the Hammer?"
Two or three of them used the same opener, down to the timing.
Sad, but true.
I think they need a PUA in there. I think PUAs should just all become strippers. It would be easier to give my money away. :D
Monday, April 7, 2008
April...7th? 2008
Ooh, I like boys sometimes. I actually think that stupid psychology, which I used to be so good at recognizing, can be used on me.
It's true.
So, I went out today after school with this... buddy, we shall say (no more using his name I'm afraid). And, so we went to the brow, which I thought would be a nice safe walk. And we did walk, for like, a whole two hours. Up and down the trail and then back to his place, and then yeah. Then we sat (and by we I mean he) and played guitar at his house and ended up in several precarious positions, although I swear I never removed more than my sweater because it was getting hot in there. Anyway, so he also let me actually TOUCH his bass guitar which was cool (:D) because backcatcher never let me so much as touch any of his musical instruments... In fact, uh... (man, I really need a nickname for him) actually showed me part of the bass line for a queen song.
So Cool! Anyway, so I'm so happy now, conflicted with the odd string of frustration and confusion. You see, he does things sometimes that are so soft and so... awwww... but not all the time, so I do my damnedest to get him to do those little things... Which has efficiently given me that stupid obsession thing. I always want to beat him at his own game, regardless of the game. Always. And he never calls when I want him to, and when I do see him he does this push pull thing that works like nothing I've ever seen before working. I mean, I thought I was immune, but I wasn't. And even though I know the rules, I can't really change how I think about things... Maybe, though, I don't want to. I like being what I am, and I like being attracted to him the way I am. I like him for who he is on one half, as well as for how well he does everything on the other. I respect him more than I could probably respect so many other people... and the best damn part is that he could kick my ass in any intellectual conversation, and he's so much faster in replies.
I don't know. I just found someone who doesn't want a relationship. Which I guess is nice, because then I go to Trent in the fall, and that's the end of that. But a good summer of this is definitely on my list. And although I won't be exclusive unless he starts that conversation, I will not really fall for anyone else, I don't think. So, technically I'm exclusive, I just have the freedom to not be. And that choice, that choice is what makes me so comfortable where I am. In a relationship, I have no choice, no scapegoat, no black and white. I can't turn tail and run and then come back; it's standard and half the time, the lust turns into something that kind of reminds me of boredom. Okay, it is boredom. And then, from there, I basically fall into stagnation, and that's the end of that. I'm done with that one. This, on the other hand, gives me both freedom and stability, and I think that that is what I need most.
And that, as they say, is that.
It's true.
So, I went out today after school with this... buddy, we shall say (no more using his name I'm afraid). And, so we went to the brow, which I thought would be a nice safe walk. And we did walk, for like, a whole two hours. Up and down the trail and then back to his place, and then yeah. Then we sat (and by we I mean he) and played guitar at his house and ended up in several precarious positions, although I swear I never removed more than my sweater because it was getting hot in there. Anyway, so he also let me actually TOUCH his bass guitar which was cool (:D) because backcatcher never let me so much as touch any of his musical instruments... In fact, uh... (man, I really need a nickname for him) actually showed me part of the bass line for a queen song.
So Cool! Anyway, so I'm so happy now, conflicted with the odd string of frustration and confusion. You see, he does things sometimes that are so soft and so... awwww... but not all the time, so I do my damnedest to get him to do those little things... Which has efficiently given me that stupid obsession thing. I always want to beat him at his own game, regardless of the game. Always. And he never calls when I want him to, and when I do see him he does this push pull thing that works like nothing I've ever seen before working. I mean, I thought I was immune, but I wasn't. And even though I know the rules, I can't really change how I think about things... Maybe, though, I don't want to. I like being what I am, and I like being attracted to him the way I am. I like him for who he is on one half, as well as for how well he does everything on the other. I respect him more than I could probably respect so many other people... and the best damn part is that he could kick my ass in any intellectual conversation, and he's so much faster in replies.
I don't know. I just found someone who doesn't want a relationship. Which I guess is nice, because then I go to Trent in the fall, and that's the end of that. But a good summer of this is definitely on my list. And although I won't be exclusive unless he starts that conversation, I will not really fall for anyone else, I don't think. So, technically I'm exclusive, I just have the freedom to not be. And that choice, that choice is what makes me so comfortable where I am. In a relationship, I have no choice, no scapegoat, no black and white. I can't turn tail and run and then come back; it's standard and half the time, the lust turns into something that kind of reminds me of boredom. Okay, it is boredom. And then, from there, I basically fall into stagnation, and that's the end of that. I'm done with that one. This, on the other hand, gives me both freedom and stability, and I think that that is what I need most.
And that, as they say, is that.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
April 6 08
Wow, I never really realized how much I love music.
Music, all the time. I always have a song running through my head. It's kind of sad, actually. It doesn't matter about the song; it could be really random.
Right now, I'm on to Alive-Pearl Jam (well, my media player says it's pearl jam, but once it also told me that the cat's in the cradle song was by led zeppelin... We all know that's damn near impossible.)
So, anyway, I love music. That was the point of this whole blog. I love it! And, so over the summer I bought a four-gig music player, an RCA lyra. Which I listened to.
Every day.
Constantly.
Never-endingly.
It was always in my ears.
Hot Patootie- Meat Loaf as Eddie from Rocky Horror
So, then it got destroyed. But that's totally cool, because I really have limewire on my laptop all the time and it's always a player. Or Media Player by Microsoft. It's all good. I always have my laptop. But a few times lately- okay, all last week, I had to be at work at four, which means I can't bring my laptop, because it's too heavy to jog home with, and I'm terrified of ruining this one. So, then, I have to go an entire day without music, and I have episodes in the cafeteria at lunch where I'm outwardly singing MY OWN music. Not stuff I wrote, but I'll randomly break into the middle of Bohemian Rhapsody...
"thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me...."
And then people look at me funny, because I also don't have earphones on. But soon, that will change, because I WILL buy an ipod which holds 20 000 songs and maybe a movie or two (dirty dancing and maybe even bring it on and ten things I hate about you-oh, and of course, Sweeny Todd).
And furthermore, I've been attempting to learn guitar to kick Zack's ass when we hang out next time. I'm going to learn transition if it kills me-and my fingers, and my sleep pattern.
hahahaha...who needs sleep?
When you were young-the Killers
The whole point of this was, that there are most definitely not enough music websites on the internet, where you could just find lists and lists of songs that are all connected. I know so much music that I can't remember it all. I hear a song and I'm like, "I like this song". And then I forget that I heard it because I was so busy singing Meat Loaf that it just left my head.
Devil's Dance Floor-Flogging Molly
And, maybe, just maybe, on my free time, I'll make a lovely little blogger with all my music listed... Okay, maybe I'll make it in parts, because there's no way I'd be able to fit it all on here. Hm... this might take some thinking.
But it will be interesting. That's for sure.
Mambo Swing-Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Music, all the time. I always have a song running through my head. It's kind of sad, actually. It doesn't matter about the song; it could be really random.
Right now, I'm on to Alive-Pearl Jam (well, my media player says it's pearl jam, but once it also told me that the cat's in the cradle song was by led zeppelin... We all know that's damn near impossible.)
So, anyway, I love music. That was the point of this whole blog. I love it! And, so over the summer I bought a four-gig music player, an RCA lyra. Which I listened to.
Every day.
Constantly.
Never-endingly.
It was always in my ears.
Hot Patootie- Meat Loaf as Eddie from Rocky Horror
So, then it got destroyed. But that's totally cool, because I really have limewire on my laptop all the time and it's always a player. Or Media Player by Microsoft. It's all good. I always have my laptop. But a few times lately- okay, all last week, I had to be at work at four, which means I can't bring my laptop, because it's too heavy to jog home with, and I'm terrified of ruining this one. So, then, I have to go an entire day without music, and I have episodes in the cafeteria at lunch where I'm outwardly singing MY OWN music. Not stuff I wrote, but I'll randomly break into the middle of Bohemian Rhapsody...
"thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me...."
And then people look at me funny, because I also don't have earphones on. But soon, that will change, because I WILL buy an ipod which holds 20 000 songs and maybe a movie or two (dirty dancing and maybe even bring it on and ten things I hate about you-oh, and of course, Sweeny Todd).
And furthermore, I've been attempting to learn guitar to kick Zack's ass when we hang out next time. I'm going to learn transition if it kills me-and my fingers, and my sleep pattern.
hahahaha...who needs sleep?
When you were young-the Killers
The whole point of this was, that there are most definitely not enough music websites on the internet, where you could just find lists and lists of songs that are all connected. I know so much music that I can't remember it all. I hear a song and I'm like, "I like this song". And then I forget that I heard it because I was so busy singing Meat Loaf that it just left my head.
Devil's Dance Floor-Flogging Molly
And, maybe, just maybe, on my free time, I'll make a lovely little blogger with all my music listed... Okay, maybe I'll make it in parts, because there's no way I'd be able to fit it all on here. Hm... this might take some thinking.
But it will be interesting. That's for sure.
Mambo Swing-Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
April 4, 2008.
I am officially addicted to youtube... check out my new vlogs. Woot for vlogs. Noobs.
http://www.youtube.com/user/nifzeta
It rocks my socks. It's like a blog, only on film. Coolio.
No more typing. Except now I have to type and video blog.
Because I can't possibly leave writing.
http://www.youtube.com/user/nifzeta
It rocks my socks. It's like a blog, only on film. Coolio.
No more typing. Except now I have to type and video blog.
Because I can't possibly leave writing.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
March 31, 2008
So, I've just decided to update since I don't do anything other than sleep at one fifteen in the morning, and also decided that sleeping was for wussies. So, of course, what do I do?
Put on my orange pyjamas-the purple ones are in the laundry- and settle down for a good hour of annoying homework. Then, I hunker down for an upload to youtube-I promised everyone a whole bunch of vlogs. I hope it's working, 'cause it's still not done. Then I talk to four or six or eight people online-trust me, I didn't start the conversations. I really wanted to go to bed. So I decided to practise guitar so I can kick... I can't remember his nickname because it has nothing to do with baseball... Zack's butt in guitar the next time I see him... or at least prove I can play a G chord. So for a half hour or more I listen to "Wheat Kings" by Tragically Hip(Good song, by the way.) And then I check my email, and go to facebook for a last minute check, and then I notice that someone on faceparty messaged me, and so I reply, and then two more people talk to me. And then I was just like, what the heck? I'm already in for the long haul of stupid, pointless, dumb wastes of time on the net, why not update the blog that only two people used to read, which probably got reduced to only one, sporadically.
And so now, I'm still online, doing what I'm good at which is wasting valuable "me" time on silly things like this.
Woot?
I think I should pull out Braveheart and watch it for... giggles. Why not? And while I'm at it, I could pull out one of my long, boring novels. Does anyone have an anthology of Shakespeare's Works? I'm sure I could spend some time on that one.
And, hey! I could pull out the food 'cause I'll be hungry in twenty minutes, no doubt!
And, look! Right back to the email.
I have the feeling that this is going to be one long night.
Put on my orange pyjamas-the purple ones are in the laundry- and settle down for a good hour of annoying homework. Then, I hunker down for an upload to youtube-I promised everyone a whole bunch of vlogs. I hope it's working, 'cause it's still not done. Then I talk to four or six or eight people online-trust me, I didn't start the conversations. I really wanted to go to bed. So I decided to practise guitar so I can kick... I can't remember his nickname because it has nothing to do with baseball... Zack's butt in guitar the next time I see him... or at least prove I can play a G chord. So for a half hour or more I listen to "Wheat Kings" by Tragically Hip(Good song, by the way.) And then I check my email, and go to facebook for a last minute check, and then I notice that someone on faceparty messaged me, and so I reply, and then two more people talk to me. And then I was just like, what the heck? I'm already in for the long haul of stupid, pointless, dumb wastes of time on the net, why not update the blog that only two people used to read, which probably got reduced to only one, sporadically.
And so now, I'm still online, doing what I'm good at which is wasting valuable "me" time on silly things like this.
Woot?
I think I should pull out Braveheart and watch it for... giggles. Why not? And while I'm at it, I could pull out one of my long, boring novels. Does anyone have an anthology of Shakespeare's Works? I'm sure I could spend some time on that one.
And, hey! I could pull out the food 'cause I'll be hungry in twenty minutes, no doubt!
And, look! Right back to the email.
I have the feeling that this is going to be one long night.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
March 27, 2008
AARGHGHGHG...H.
In my opinion, I give up. I don't care. Yeah. It sounds so sweet, and, yeah, I know that that's a song. I know it. I know the words.
pick it. Man, I love the nature of this, the horrific details and all that, but it's too uncomfortable for me to be in it. I can't deal with this, and I just realized that I'm stuck in the middle. I heretofor remove myself from the mess. Fix it. I don't care. I know what I want, I know what I should want, and I've made it clear to you. You have the last move, or the other two of us are in limbo, and she doesn't even know that she is! And, you can be damn sure I'd converse with her if I ever ran into her on the street. I would even introduce myself. But I would never tell her anything you told me. I don't even think that I'd mention our pool outings. I wouldn't say I was your ex, even, because that could be bad. But I'd have a good long conversation with her.
The good news is, I've figured out which song I'm learning to play on my guitar first.
The Lips of an Angel-Hinder
Do you know what gets me, though? I think that you're still hung up about this, I don't think you got over our breakup. That's fine. That's fine. But I made you leave when it was us. I did not make you stick around in limbo, I never, ever could have done that. I did not like giving up perfection. And then I knew that to force you to stay would do more damage than forcing you to hate me. Do you want me to make you hate me again? Because I can. I could do it. I wouldn't believe what I was saying, but I could. All you have to do is tell me to do it.
Just, please, please, make up your mind.
I hate being confused. I have resorted to this:
What I've Done- Linkin Park
Yeah. You know I've been upset when: The song playlist changes to Linkin Park. I even tried to pull out the good ol' standbye of Numb, but it just didn't go so well, because I am anything but numb. You know what I feel? I feel like something is supposed to happen; I feel like whatever comes next will be the biggest thing that could possibly have happened so far, because I don't believe I've ever felt this strongly that "something" is going to go on, and soon. I feel lit more now than all week. Frigg.
Crawling-Linkin Park
I almost feel it strongly enough to pull out the tarot cards. Damn. I haven't needed them in a long time, and I might sway them with my mind... but I'll be good. I promise.
All I need- Radiohead
Tarot cards it is, now that I've got my breathing in check...and my mind out of the gutter. But I think I'll put it back in there later, I rather enjoyed the show. Memories serve better than anything. Damn.
Hungry Eyes-Dirty Dancing Soundtrack
The problem with tarot is that you need the right question. I don't know what to ask that won't make me feel guilty? How about, would it work out? But that's assuming anything happens. It might never go anywhere. And then the box said: "Shut up". So I did.
So: What is going to happen?
1. Cups (Ace)-Rebirth. Relinquish and enjoy the new cleanliness of life.
2. Wands (Nine)- We will know our subconscious and it will make us insecure and agitated but excited. Be your own leader, make a decision that you've been truly decided on.
3. The Wheel of Fortune- A warning not to adopt an attitude that will only get you past the one problem, don't select sections of your life to look at. Look at the whole thing and use what you know to be what you need to be in life as a whole. Pay attention to long term.
4. Death- Something has come to an end. Either sadness or joy will erupt, and you are the one who needs to decide if there is something to change about the ending. Yet the reaper also has a harvest and will bring something in. And this is a direct quote: "Let go, in order to finish everything that is out of date, false, nonessential and fruitless. Let go completely so that you may harvest that which is ripe and worthwhile." What's right? What's wrong? What could be changed? How can you go about doing this?
5. Wands (Ace)- Vitality. Renewal through use of energies. Change indifference and take fire in your hand so that you can live and grow beyond old limitations, but you must embrace everything to do so.
Now, the first thing that came to your mind after reading that, the first idea that came out of that, there's the answer. That's what you need to do, because that's what it said: We will know our subconscious. That's your subconscious.
Only Women Bleed- Alice Cooper
Angry Chair- Alice in Chains
Girlfriend- Avril Lavigne
Rebel Yell- Billy Idol
The good news is, it's well past my birthday this time around... And don't worry. I don't feel slighted. I get it. I lost this game. I'm a pretty fair sport, I suppose. I'll just have to, as it says: Change indifference and take fire in your hand so that you can live and grow beyond old limitations, but you must embrace everything to do so. I can do that. I'm young and I spring back well. Being single hasn't killed me yet. Made me a little more interested in looking at man butts, but that's about it.
Changes-Black Sabbath
Who knows? Maybe what we want is what we can't have, and you're a little more like me than you bargained for. I apologize for rubbing off on you, because it sucks in the end.
I told you I know you.
And now, for the cold shower and the transference of imagined subjects. A.K.A. Time to stare at a wall..or into space...or something that I can just take a break from my rapidly moving neurons so I can have some peace and quiet.
In my opinion, I give up. I don't care. Yeah. It sounds so sweet, and, yeah, I know that that's a song. I know it. I know the words.
pick it. Man, I love the nature of this, the horrific details and all that, but it's too uncomfortable for me to be in it. I can't deal with this, and I just realized that I'm stuck in the middle. I heretofor remove myself from the mess. Fix it. I don't care. I know what I want, I know what I should want, and I've made it clear to you. You have the last move, or the other two of us are in limbo, and she doesn't even know that she is! And, you can be damn sure I'd converse with her if I ever ran into her on the street. I would even introduce myself. But I would never tell her anything you told me. I don't even think that I'd mention our pool outings. I wouldn't say I was your ex, even, because that could be bad. But I'd have a good long conversation with her.
The good news is, I've figured out which song I'm learning to play on my guitar first.
The Lips of an Angel-Hinder
Do you know what gets me, though? I think that you're still hung up about this, I don't think you got over our breakup. That's fine. That's fine. But I made you leave when it was us. I did not make you stick around in limbo, I never, ever could have done that. I did not like giving up perfection. And then I knew that to force you to stay would do more damage than forcing you to hate me. Do you want me to make you hate me again? Because I can. I could do it. I wouldn't believe what I was saying, but I could. All you have to do is tell me to do it.
Just, please, please, make up your mind.
I hate being confused. I have resorted to this:
What I've Done- Linkin Park
Yeah. You know I've been upset when: The song playlist changes to Linkin Park. I even tried to pull out the good ol' standbye of Numb, but it just didn't go so well, because I am anything but numb. You know what I feel? I feel like something is supposed to happen; I feel like whatever comes next will be the biggest thing that could possibly have happened so far, because I don't believe I've ever felt this strongly that "something" is going to go on, and soon. I feel lit more now than all week. Frigg.
Crawling-Linkin Park
I almost feel it strongly enough to pull out the tarot cards. Damn. I haven't needed them in a long time, and I might sway them with my mind... but I'll be good. I promise.
All I need- Radiohead
Tarot cards it is, now that I've got my breathing in check...and my mind out of the gutter. But I think I'll put it back in there later, I rather enjoyed the show. Memories serve better than anything. Damn.
Hungry Eyes-Dirty Dancing Soundtrack
The problem with tarot is that you need the right question. I don't know what to ask that won't make me feel guilty? How about, would it work out? But that's assuming anything happens. It might never go anywhere. And then the box said: "Shut up". So I did.
So: What is going to happen?
1. Cups (Ace)-Rebirth. Relinquish and enjoy the new cleanliness of life.
2. Wands (Nine)- We will know our subconscious and it will make us insecure and agitated but excited. Be your own leader, make a decision that you've been truly decided on.
3. The Wheel of Fortune- A warning not to adopt an attitude that will only get you past the one problem, don't select sections of your life to look at. Look at the whole thing and use what you know to be what you need to be in life as a whole. Pay attention to long term.
4. Death- Something has come to an end. Either sadness or joy will erupt, and you are the one who needs to decide if there is something to change about the ending. Yet the reaper also has a harvest and will bring something in. And this is a direct quote: "Let go, in order to finish everything that is out of date, false, nonessential and fruitless. Let go completely so that you may harvest that which is ripe and worthwhile." What's right? What's wrong? What could be changed? How can you go about doing this?
5. Wands (Ace)- Vitality. Renewal through use of energies. Change indifference and take fire in your hand so that you can live and grow beyond old limitations, but you must embrace everything to do so.
Now, the first thing that came to your mind after reading that, the first idea that came out of that, there's the answer. That's what you need to do, because that's what it said: We will know our subconscious. That's your subconscious.
Only Women Bleed- Alice Cooper
Angry Chair- Alice in Chains
Girlfriend- Avril Lavigne
Rebel Yell- Billy Idol
The good news is, it's well past my birthday this time around... And don't worry. I don't feel slighted. I get it. I lost this game. I'm a pretty fair sport, I suppose. I'll just have to, as it says: Change indifference and take fire in your hand so that you can live and grow beyond old limitations, but you must embrace everything to do so. I can do that. I'm young and I spring back well. Being single hasn't killed me yet. Made me a little more interested in looking at man butts, but that's about it.
Changes-Black Sabbath
Who knows? Maybe what we want is what we can't have, and you're a little more like me than you bargained for. I apologize for rubbing off on you, because it sucks in the end.
I told you I know you.
And now, for the cold shower and the transference of imagined subjects. A.K.A. Time to stare at a wall..or into space...or something that I can just take a break from my rapidly moving neurons so I can have some peace and quiet.
March 27 2008
So, I, Ever the geek, have found an interesting tidbit. Apparently it isn't too well known, because so many people are more likely to gossip about what that senator who slept with the prostitute is up to or the fact that Brangelina's related to Hilary and Obama...
No. My geeky tidbit is the best one I've personally heard in a long time.
They found water on one of Saturn's moons. Now, they're thinking that there is a potential heat spring beneath the surface of this little celestial body, Enceladus may actually have liquid water and therefore a potential for life!
Isn't that cool? Then we wouldn't be the only discovered-by-us- living things in the world as we know it.
Wow. Just found something out. Did you know we can't 'see' planets beyond a certain point? It's true. So now, what? Everyone tells their kids that there's no such thing as aliens, but what if THEY'RE LYING???
Going back to Enceladus, there's a hot spot at the southern pole that allows it to have a potential for a life. It also has something of an atmosphere.
Oh, man. It's so exciting to hear news like that since they knocked Pluto off the Solar System Heavenly Bodies list. I loved Pluto. It kicked Neptune's ass. Totally. And Mercury's. Definitely not Saturn's or Uranus' though. Those planets are my homies.
Hahaha. I think I'm going to make a solar system chart of small-scale for when I go away to school in the fall. And Then I'll put it up on a wall someone so everyone knows just how nerdy I am. Don't mess with the nerd-chick.
That would rock my socks.
And so, I suppose I could stop talking now, but I won't.
Did you know that in Spain they also found the continent's oldest human bone? It was a jaw bone of homo (okay, stop giggling) antecessor. This relation could be something related to both Neanderthals and Humans. (Another missing evolution? Or just a hoax?)
Anyway, they're saying it's 500 000 years older than the oldest known human remains found on that entire continent. It's about 1.3 million years old.
Think how long a million years old is. These bones have existed that long.
Really. there's:
1 Year. A baby should be making noises and stuff.
10 Years. A kid should be rollerblading and going to school by this time.
100 Years. We're dead, mostly. (Or are we mostly dead?)
1000 Years. Assuming there's a new generation every twenty years, there've been 50 generations of people. 50.
10000 Years. Entire geological changes are made. Look at the ice age. Look at global warming, which is only taking forty or fifty years. That could severely damage any chance of surviving fossils.
100000 Years. Now, come on. Can you even THINK of how much time this is? What happened a hundred thousand years ago? I don't even know... let's see... it was called the Pleistocene Epoch... All those fun, huge, death-inducing animals were around. Mammoths, Sabre-toothed tigers, giant sloths... you know, all that fun, scary stuff. YAY!
1000000 Years. This is a million. This is only one million. Add on the rest of the years to make it 1.3 million is crazy. Fire was still relatively new**, apparently. Like, hellloooo! That's a friggen long time!
Now, that's all fine and dandy, except for the people who said that the timing of humans leaving their Africa was one thing when clearly, we have a human being who left just a wee bit earlier. These remains are said to bear resemblence to a fossil dug up from Soviet's Georgia (ooh, it was his brother!)
You know, I'd like to be found, hundreds of thousands or even millions of years from now. That would be cool. It was the Mesozoic era... ish. Well, the end of it, and closer to the beginning of the Cretaceous era. There were still dinosaurs, I'm assuming, since the next section won't start until 66 Ma (Million Years Ago).
And they would have lived through the ice age and all that, I'm thinking.
Yeah, that would be..cool. Hahahaa. Cool. I made a funny. :D
Anyway, seriously, I totally like that idea. Let's do it. Someone build me a time machine!
** You have to assume that every single day, us humans are "discovering" More and more about the past, so this will NOT be completely accurate...Hahaha. It'd be funny to read a caveman's journal:
Today, I woke up to the mate snoring in my face. Of course, she stole all the Mammoth-skin--again. So, I walked out of our cave, and past the mastadon, and decided that today I would go for a walk to the river. Well, on my way there, it began to rain, thunder and lightning. Stupid weather. I'd been working on that scum for a month and a half.
Anyway, the lightning struck a tree and the most interesting thing happened: It lit up! Just BOOM! FLASH! PCSHWAAA! FAWOOF! Yes, that is how it sounded. And then, I walked over to the strange flickering, and stuck my hand in it.
As my mate was cleaning the owwie, she said I'm as dumb as a bird, especially since I spent all my hunt time on getting that flat rock rolling. One day I'll show her. One day I'll be right...
No. My geeky tidbit is the best one I've personally heard in a long time.
They found water on one of Saturn's moons. Now, they're thinking that there is a potential heat spring beneath the surface of this little celestial body, Enceladus may actually have liquid water and therefore a potential for life!
Isn't that cool? Then we wouldn't be the only discovered-by-us- living things in the world as we know it.
Wow. Just found something out. Did you know we can't 'see' planets beyond a certain point? It's true. So now, what? Everyone tells their kids that there's no such thing as aliens, but what if THEY'RE LYING???
Going back to Enceladus, there's a hot spot at the southern pole that allows it to have a potential for a life. It also has something of an atmosphere.
Oh, man. It's so exciting to hear news like that since they knocked Pluto off the Solar System Heavenly Bodies list. I loved Pluto. It kicked Neptune's ass. Totally. And Mercury's. Definitely not Saturn's or Uranus' though. Those planets are my homies.
Hahaha. I think I'm going to make a solar system chart of small-scale for when I go away to school in the fall. And Then I'll put it up on a wall someone so everyone knows just how nerdy I am. Don't mess with the nerd-chick.
That would rock my socks.
And so, I suppose I could stop talking now, but I won't.
Did you know that in Spain they also found the continent's oldest human bone? It was a jaw bone of homo (okay, stop giggling) antecessor. This relation could be something related to both Neanderthals and Humans. (Another missing evolution? Or just a hoax?)
Anyway, they're saying it's 500 000 years older than the oldest known human remains found on that entire continent. It's about 1.3 million years old.
Think how long a million years old is. These bones have existed that long.
Really. there's:
1 Year. A baby should be making noises and stuff.
10 Years. A kid should be rollerblading and going to school by this time.
100 Years. We're dead, mostly. (Or are we mostly dead?)
1000 Years. Assuming there's a new generation every twenty years, there've been 50 generations of people. 50.
10000 Years. Entire geological changes are made. Look at the ice age. Look at global warming, which is only taking forty or fifty years. That could severely damage any chance of surviving fossils.
100000 Years. Now, come on. Can you even THINK of how much time this is? What happened a hundred thousand years ago? I don't even know... let's see... it was called the Pleistocene Epoch... All those fun, huge, death-inducing animals were around. Mammoths, Sabre-toothed tigers, giant sloths... you know, all that fun, scary stuff. YAY!
1000000 Years. This is a million. This is only one million. Add on the rest of the years to make it 1.3 million is crazy. Fire was still relatively new**, apparently. Like, hellloooo! That's a friggen long time!
Now, that's all fine and dandy, except for the people who said that the timing of humans leaving their Africa was one thing when clearly, we have a human being who left just a wee bit earlier. These remains are said to bear resemblence to a fossil dug up from Soviet's Georgia (ooh, it was his brother!)
You know, I'd like to be found, hundreds of thousands or even millions of years from now. That would be cool. It was the Mesozoic era... ish. Well, the end of it, and closer to the beginning of the Cretaceous era. There were still dinosaurs, I'm assuming, since the next section won't start until 66 Ma (Million Years Ago).
And they would have lived through the ice age and all that, I'm thinking.
Yeah, that would be..cool. Hahahaa. Cool. I made a funny. :D
Anyway, seriously, I totally like that idea. Let's do it. Someone build me a time machine!
** You have to assume that every single day, us humans are "discovering" More and more about the past, so this will NOT be completely accurate...Hahaha. It'd be funny to read a caveman's journal:
Today, I woke up to the mate snoring in my face. Of course, she stole all the Mammoth-skin--again. So, I walked out of our cave, and past the mastadon, and decided that today I would go for a walk to the river. Well, on my way there, it began to rain, thunder and lightning. Stupid weather. I'd been working on that scum for a month and a half.
Anyway, the lightning struck a tree and the most interesting thing happened: It lit up! Just BOOM! FLASH! PCSHWAAA! FAWOOF! Yes, that is how it sounded. And then, I walked over to the strange flickering, and stuck my hand in it.
As my mate was cleaning the owwie, she said I'm as dumb as a bird, especially since I spent all my hunt time on getting that flat rock rolling. One day I'll show her. One day I'll be right...
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
March 25th 2008
I just realized what I want in life. Overall, I want passion.
How could I have not known that? It’s obvious! All the books I read, all the movies I watch, they’re all about being passionate about something. And after every movie I watch, I feel the same longing for the feeling of passion that the characters have…
I love to dance, I love rugby, I loved cheerleading… I fall deeply in love until it becomes something that’s a ritual, done because I have to. The passion fizzles out and I lose my interest. Why is it that I am like that? Will I ever be able to lose that longing, because it makes my life a living hell?
It’s what I’ve needed. I have passion for other things, when I have no where else to put it, ‘else I wouldn’t fight so hard for things I don’t particularly believe in. I need someone passionate. I need to find what I’m looking for, and soon or else, I’m in trouble.
Oh, god, now I’m confused as hell…and lost…and longing for something that I haven’t found yet. I have to go and find something to get my mind off the problem. Alcohol, here I come. I need to paint.
I need passion in my life, because if I don’t have something to love, be obsessed with, I’m just not happy, am I? Maybe that’s why it took so long to get Dyl out of my head, because he was as passionate as I was about a few things… He loved his guitar as much as I loved books; he loved sex as much as I did. He loved touching as much as I did.
Oh, lord, oh lord.
I am so screwed.
(The previous was my personal on-computer-diary input from yesterday, and I just thought that it typified who I am a little better.)
How could I have not known that? It’s obvious! All the books I read, all the movies I watch, they’re all about being passionate about something. And after every movie I watch, I feel the same longing for the feeling of passion that the characters have…
I love to dance, I love rugby, I loved cheerleading… I fall deeply in love until it becomes something that’s a ritual, done because I have to. The passion fizzles out and I lose my interest. Why is it that I am like that? Will I ever be able to lose that longing, because it makes my life a living hell?
It’s what I’ve needed. I have passion for other things, when I have no where else to put it, ‘else I wouldn’t fight so hard for things I don’t particularly believe in. I need someone passionate. I need to find what I’m looking for, and soon or else, I’m in trouble.
Oh, god, now I’m confused as hell…and lost…and longing for something that I haven’t found yet. I have to go and find something to get my mind off the problem. Alcohol, here I come. I need to paint.
I need passion in my life, because if I don’t have something to love, be obsessed with, I’m just not happy, am I? Maybe that’s why it took so long to get Dyl out of my head, because he was as passionate as I was about a few things… He loved his guitar as much as I loved books; he loved sex as much as I did. He loved touching as much as I did.
Oh, lord, oh lord.
I am so screwed.
(The previous was my personal on-computer-diary input from yesterday, and I just thought that it typified who I am a little better.)
Monday, March 24, 2008
March 24, 2008**rant warning**
I just realized that I really have been overestimating humans, and it's obvious when one searches something online. I searched crumping, which is a (slightly incorrect spelling, but I was pulling it from hearing it somewhere) form of dance, and pulled up a whole lot of really nasty-sounding people who said a whole lot of stuff that just didn't seem very nice. Well.
Then I was searching cheerleading because I'm an ex cheerleader and I like to keep up on the times, and here's the urban-dictionary link that I came up with:
(link)
Tell me that's not horrible! Now, I play rugby, which I'm sure everyone who's ever read any blog knows. And, admitted, it's a friggen hard sport to play. It causes people pain. But that doesn't mean anything. It's awesome, it's a sport.
I've also played baseball, which in my opinion, isn't a difficult sport. You don't need to be able to run, you don't need hand eye coordination; you need to be able to throw a fit and yell a little at the other team, and that's about it. I know, because that's how we play. Now, when you play seriously, like, where you're paying three hundred and fifty dollars to play on a shi...crappy team with nothing but whiney kids who complain because the last six pitches they threw were off., that's different. Now you're paying money to play a crappy sport.
Which I really do like, btw.
But when someone tells me that basketball is more of a sport than cheerleading, I can't help but laugh.
At them, not with them. Don't knock it till you try it. I'm telling you now, that it is one of the hardest sports I have EVER played, in my life. Not only do you need to be flexible, you also need to be able to count. How many football players can count?
Not that many, I know.
I danced for eight years, so I can count, but cheerleading is damn hard. You also have to smile like there's no tomorrow, and even when your school/team/ both suck, you have to cheer it on! You have to deal with practises that a basketball player would cry after, because you've just spent an hour standing on someone's hands. You've just run for long enough that breathing is a forgotten trick. You've just stretched so much that if your elbows aren't detatched, your spine sure as hell is.
Rugby is almost, but not quite, as bad.
And I don't think that any human being should knock something without trying it twice, because the first time might have been a fluke.
Then I was searching cheerleading because I'm an ex cheerleader and I like to keep up on the times, and here's the urban-dictionary link that I came up with:
(link)
Tell me that's not horrible! Now, I play rugby, which I'm sure everyone who's ever read any blog knows. And, admitted, it's a friggen hard sport to play. It causes people pain. But that doesn't mean anything. It's awesome, it's a sport.
I've also played baseball, which in my opinion, isn't a difficult sport. You don't need to be able to run, you don't need hand eye coordination; you need to be able to throw a fit and yell a little at the other team, and that's about it. I know, because that's how we play. Now, when you play seriously, like, where you're paying three hundred and fifty dollars to play on a shi...crappy team with nothing but whiney kids who complain because the last six pitches they threw were off., that's different. Now you're paying money to play a crappy sport.
Which I really do like, btw.
But when someone tells me that basketball is more of a sport than cheerleading, I can't help but laugh.
At them, not with them. Don't knock it till you try it. I'm telling you now, that it is one of the hardest sports I have EVER played, in my life. Not only do you need to be flexible, you also need to be able to count. How many football players can count?
Not that many, I know.
I danced for eight years, so I can count, but cheerleading is damn hard. You also have to smile like there's no tomorrow, and even when your school/team/ both suck, you have to cheer it on! You have to deal with practises that a basketball player would cry after, because you've just spent an hour standing on someone's hands. You've just run for long enough that breathing is a forgotten trick. You've just stretched so much that if your elbows aren't detatched, your spine sure as hell is.
Rugby is almost, but not quite, as bad.
And I don't think that any human being should knock something without trying it twice, because the first time might have been a fluke.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Thursday March 20, 2008
So, rugby finally had sign-ups today at school. I decided to join silver in a diet to take off the extra five, ten or fifteen (Depends on when the limit is hit, really, because I get really tired if I don't eat five hundred meals a day or I do too much excercise and lose too much weight) pounds. Anyway, it shouldn't be that hard, as long as I jog back and forth to school whilst chasing after my rugby ball-easy enough since I'm teaching myself to kick it. Yay?
I figure, I might as well attempt to learn something before the season starts. Actually, I'm particularily interested in learning the slide pickup we were supposed to know last year. I have a horribly dark, terrible secret: I can't slide. I can't slide in baseball, I can't slide in rugby... I just can't. I can't even just slide on my knees. I can't willfully throw myself at the ground and feel safe enough. I would rather do cartwheels than use a slip and slide. I am so terrified of sliding that it hurts to think about it.
There is a logical reasoning.
Once, twice, three or four or six times, and I'm sure I'm not done, I've twisted my ankles. Both. Yes. I have horrible ankles from dancing on improperly laid floors. Anyway, those really lazy ankles of mine aren't really weak, in fact they're strong-- they just twist all the time. It's probably because I'm a clutz. A huge clutz. I swear it.
Anyway, so last season, the coaches attempted to teach us to do this slide thing on grass. And I freaked. I can't even get to the point where I should tip my feet over. I mean, I understand the physics of it all, and the mechanics. Telling me over and over how to do it is NOT going to help. I understand how to do it. But getting up there and just DOING it, is so hard. I'm not afraid to run head-on at a three hundred pound "ogre", but I'm terrified of sliding on the grass. With socks on. Come to think of it, I'm not afraid to take on the biggest enemy around, weapon or not, but I can not muster up the courage to get past a knee-bend. I just... stop. Like, there's a level that I just can't jump, a barrier in my mind that "Damn, this is so dumb, why are you doing this?" that repeats like a mantra until I just give up.
Now, this is NOT my fear of leeches. That's a phobia. I just... blank. I can't think. I can't move. I can stand and stutter, and freak, but I can't control my actions.
But this, this slide thing, I've had guys try to show me how to slide for like, four years. That is one hell of a lot of lesson. I KNOW how to, I just CAN'T! I understand that you tip your bottom leg under, roll your shoe toe down, gracefully position to slightly skim calf, thigh and hip before bouncing back up. But to do it is a completely different thing. Once, I remember having half my baseball team try to show me how to slide, all at once.
I still can't slide.
I had private lessons with someone who's been sliding forever... okay, private lessons with like, three someones who've been sliding for, like, ever.
I still can't slide.
Last season of rugby, we spent nearly two hours on trying to learn to slide, I had the forward coach teach me right down to angles, how to slide.
I STILL can't slide.
But this season, I WILL learn how to slide. That is my season-long goal, to learn to slide in rugby, thereby gaining what will be useless knowledge on sliding in baseball, since I'm not playing this year; well, nothing but pickups...
But in rugby, I will learn, I will conquer this random fear and put it to rest somewhere else.
I, Nifzeta, hereby swear to work on sliding for as long as is deemed necessary to learn to slide; I swear to safety and other like concerns, as well as the jaunts into the men's changerooms. I mean, Ahem.
I swear that I will learn to slide in my rugby cleats, on grass, with intent to do so, and also, to be able to draw in the ball that has been placed on the pitch. I swear my honest ability in this are.
Anyway, now that I'm done this, I've decided that I'm terribly tired and it's time to go to sleep. Good night:D
I figure, I might as well attempt to learn something before the season starts. Actually, I'm particularily interested in learning the slide pickup we were supposed to know last year. I have a horribly dark, terrible secret: I can't slide. I can't slide in baseball, I can't slide in rugby... I just can't. I can't even just slide on my knees. I can't willfully throw myself at the ground and feel safe enough. I would rather do cartwheels than use a slip and slide. I am so terrified of sliding that it hurts to think about it.
There is a logical reasoning.
Once, twice, three or four or six times, and I'm sure I'm not done, I've twisted my ankles. Both. Yes. I have horrible ankles from dancing on improperly laid floors. Anyway, those really lazy ankles of mine aren't really weak, in fact they're strong-- they just twist all the time. It's probably because I'm a clutz. A huge clutz. I swear it.
Anyway, so last season, the coaches attempted to teach us to do this slide thing on grass. And I freaked. I can't even get to the point where I should tip my feet over. I mean, I understand the physics of it all, and the mechanics. Telling me over and over how to do it is NOT going to help. I understand how to do it. But getting up there and just DOING it, is so hard. I'm not afraid to run head-on at a three hundred pound "ogre", but I'm terrified of sliding on the grass. With socks on. Come to think of it, I'm not afraid to take on the biggest enemy around, weapon or not, but I can not muster up the courage to get past a knee-bend. I just... stop. Like, there's a level that I just can't jump, a barrier in my mind that "Damn, this is so dumb, why are you doing this?" that repeats like a mantra until I just give up.
Now, this is NOT my fear of leeches. That's a phobia. I just... blank. I can't think. I can't move. I can stand and stutter, and freak, but I can't control my actions.
But this, this slide thing, I've had guys try to show me how to slide for like, four years. That is one hell of a lot of lesson. I KNOW how to, I just CAN'T! I understand that you tip your bottom leg under, roll your shoe toe down, gracefully position to slightly skim calf, thigh and hip before bouncing back up. But to do it is a completely different thing. Once, I remember having half my baseball team try to show me how to slide, all at once.
I still can't slide.
I had private lessons with someone who's been sliding forever... okay, private lessons with like, three someones who've been sliding for, like, ever.
I still can't slide.
Last season of rugby, we spent nearly two hours on trying to learn to slide, I had the forward coach teach me right down to angles, how to slide.
I STILL can't slide.
But this season, I WILL learn how to slide. That is my season-long goal, to learn to slide in rugby, thereby gaining what will be useless knowledge on sliding in baseball, since I'm not playing this year; well, nothing but pickups...
But in rugby, I will learn, I will conquer this random fear and put it to rest somewhere else.
I, Nifzeta, hereby swear to work on sliding for as long as is deemed necessary to learn to slide; I swear to safety and other like concerns, as well as the jaunts into the men's changerooms. I mean, Ahem.
I swear that I will learn to slide in my rugby cleats, on grass, with intent to do so, and also, to be able to draw in the ball that has been placed on the pitch. I swear my honest ability in this are.
Anyway, now that I'm done this, I've decided that I'm terribly tired and it's time to go to sleep. Good night:D
Friday, March 14, 2008
March 14, 2008
P.S. (Pre Script: Anything written in Pink was what what came up on my limewire playlist. That's right, I'm so horrible that I use limewire. If you have a problem, I have two words, and one starts with an "f". Guess what they are.)
So.
You know those days when you come home from work and you're all just like "Ah, I think I'll relax... Let's have a drink..."
Well that's not helping. But I like peach schnapps a lot, so a few more glasses will do the trick. Actually, I think I'll work on the butter shots next.
I truly dislike confusing dramatic subjects. I do. I can't stand them... because now I'm sitting here, shaking my head going "what the hell?" Oh, and I'm enjoying my drink, and laughing at CollegeBFF who shall henceforth be named "silvermoon" for sake of ease of explanation... (wait, done my drink, need a new one.)(okay. I've drank my fill. I'm getting tired already. I need to build up my immunity to alcohol, 'cause I'm such a cheap drunk.)
I have the best date I've had in a long time A VERY long time--with an ex who's dating someone else.
Peachy.
And why aren't there more of him walking the world? (haha, I've heard that one about myself. Mr. West49-er at my school always says we need more of me in the world, because most women are too spazzy. Yay me.)
Why couldn't pitcher be simple, like me???
Hi, I'm nifty, nice to meet you. I think you're hot. Do me.
Or,
Hi, I'm nifty, nice to meet you. You're fugly, and you have no chance of EVER sharing my bed. Let's just be friends.
Seriously. Jeeze. No random insinuation and getting under my skin. No silly laying down potential railways only to derail the train. No silly pointless statements of could be.
Yes, I'll do you.
No, I will not do you.
In, out, easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.
Off faster than a dirty shirt in a monday wash. (haha, Mr. Archer rocks.) :D:D (Go photography. I love that class... Ooh, remembering that, I have eighteen shots on the camera and no babies or old people around. I might want to get onto my homework now... NO more drinking for Nifty tonight. Euw, I think I'm going to get some veggies to make even with the hundred billion calories I just DRANK.
Down with the Sickness-Disturbed
Anyway, so that's my life in a nutshell. Hell in a handbasket, for sure.
Candyman-Christina Aguilera
Aargh. Hi, I'm Nifty, do me.
Yeah, Sounds like fun. I'm in for that.
War and Pain-Voivod
What about that insane need for guy-attention. I woke up and actually put on makeup. Over the march break. Where I ran around all day. What the hell? I even showered!!! Aak.
Crazy Train- Black Sabbath
Anyway, Ain't got much more to complain about.
Ow, my shin hurts. I think I need new shoes.
Ow, my shin hurts. I think I need new shoes.
Man, I feel fat.
Awww, rugby season won't start for another week or so:'(
Waaah! I got yelled at this morning.
I'm tired.
I'm hungry.
Ooh,,, Trent U. Rugby. Mmmmm... More butter Shots. Mmm.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
March 4th, 2008.
Well, so, my life's gotten interesting.
And, yeah, I think that if everything were perfect I'd date Pitcher again. Long story short, he talked to me, freaked me out, I was worrying about it all night, for him to come over and say "nevermind" until I had to beat it out of him.
*sigh*
I don't know. Lately that's all I've wanted, was to talk to him again, because I was just so unhappy with what happened last time.
So unhappy, that I looked him up, and his phone number, and have it on my wall, in case I got the guts to call him.
But I didn't, and then he called me.
Now kiki's telling me "Go for it," But I'd feel bad saying yes, because then someone's going to get hurt--and it wouldn't be me, yet.
I couldn't do that to a girl, I'd feel guilty.
Besides, did anyone stop to think what it would be like to get into old habits again? "Yeah, I dated your son, destroyed a relationship, and I think I'll just try the dating thing again... so, how were the two years I wasn't around?"
And, yeah, I think that if everything were perfect I'd date Pitcher again. Long story short, he talked to me, freaked me out, I was worrying about it all night, for him to come over and say "nevermind" until I had to beat it out of him.
*sigh*
I don't know. Lately that's all I've wanted, was to talk to him again, because I was just so unhappy with what happened last time.
So unhappy, that I looked him up, and his phone number, and have it on my wall, in case I got the guts to call him.
But I didn't, and then he called me.
Now kiki's telling me "Go for it," But I'd feel bad saying yes, because then someone's going to get hurt--and it wouldn't be me, yet.
I couldn't do that to a girl, I'd feel guilty.
Besides, did anyone stop to think what it would be like to get into old habits again? "Yeah, I dated your son, destroyed a relationship, and I think I'll just try the dating thing again... so, how were the two years I wasn't around?"
Saturday, March 1, 2008
March 1, 2008
So, today I went to see Footloose the Musical which was put on by the Junior troupe of Theatre Ancaster...? I hope. It was pretty good, I guess. There were a few really good lines used. I enjoyed it. I'd love to act in one, though. That would be fun.
So then I got home, and I sat for five minutes, and I have this horrible, horrible habit of playing with my earrings. I have, like, nine of them, two of which I had to repierce. Imagine that. That was actually baseball for you, I had to take them out on account of they're in my ears and they could get ripped out. So instead, I take them out and they get infected and heal over. Great, twenty wasted bucks.
So, I just pierced them myself.
Well, I was sitting here in my room, and I thought Oh, hell! I lost my favourite earrings, the comedy/tragedy mask! Only the one I had in my right ear though. And as I'm feeling around my ear and shoulder, thinking maybe it just fell out, I spotted it on the floor behind me. Whew! Then, I noticed that it looked much more solid than it should have, with a higher metal ratio. What the hell, it's back is still on! Now, confused, I reach up to my right ear and-sure enough- the hole that I pierced myself just ripped out. But it was the scar tissue that did, and it just...fell off. It was so weird. So I had to re-pierce the same hole--again.
But now, when you look at my right ear, I have a small piece of the edge missing. It's my own special scar...Coolio.
So then I got home, and I sat for five minutes, and I have this horrible, horrible habit of playing with my earrings. I have, like, nine of them, two of which I had to repierce. Imagine that. That was actually baseball for you, I had to take them out on account of they're in my ears and they could get ripped out. So instead, I take them out and they get infected and heal over. Great, twenty wasted bucks.
So, I just pierced them myself.
Well, I was sitting here in my room, and I thought Oh, hell! I lost my favourite earrings, the comedy/tragedy mask! Only the one I had in my right ear though. And as I'm feeling around my ear and shoulder, thinking maybe it just fell out, I spotted it on the floor behind me. Whew! Then, I noticed that it looked much more solid than it should have, with a higher metal ratio. What the hell, it's back is still on! Now, confused, I reach up to my right ear and-sure enough- the hole that I pierced myself just ripped out. But it was the scar tissue that did, and it just...fell off. It was so weird. So I had to re-pierce the same hole--again.
But now, when you look at my right ear, I have a small piece of the edge missing. It's my own special scar...Coolio.
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