August 07, 09

Well, short week, I suppose. Not too much to say. I am missing girlie-girls, immensely. Sadly, being around people who aren't so into things that I am is beginning to take a toll on me. I mean, I can only look like a guy for so long.
But, I guess that's the price of leaving childhood lady-friends at home and hooking up at school with a guy you actually kind of like. I spend the majority of my time sitting in my house. I'm not saying I couldn't go out, I'm saying that the girls I know here where my school is are not the most... makeup-adoring people. Then again...
Well, I offered one of my closest friends up here a night of girly mayhem and she replied with an "Only if there's a horror movie on so I don't feel totally stupid".
Could it be that perhaps I have discovered that I actually kinda like the girly things in life a little and miss them when they're gone? Yes.
Sometimes... I dunno.
Sometimes I think it would be nice to find some new friends who I can be close to, but then... I don't know. Then I trust them and then they like, steal my food and cutlery and stuff.
Yeah. living with people isn't the greatest way to go. Don't live in dorm, but don't live in a house with a large sum of people either. Unless they're all clones of you or you're ready to clean after five of them because you'd like space to shower/pee/eat/clean dishes/do anything other than sleep...
yeah. Definitely one of the hardest summers of my life.
And I still don't even have a job. GT tomorrow, I think; dollar stores, too.
well, I'm going to work on playing with nails and colours and let you guys in on how I've done them in the new future. It should be cool, ish.
More or less.
:D

August 4th, 2009

Well, with any luck I will be back in school in September, and to tell you the truth, I'm looking forward to it. I'm kind of bored with a summer that's close to four and a half months.
Rugby this year has been classified as an "invitation only" so I have no chance of making a team this year... Not many rookies did. Too bad for us. The rookies who did make it were ridiculously good. I'm okay with that. I'm going to play baseball now, and hopefully work too.
Furthermore I'm now a business student. Yay! And I found out that I can't go on to second year courses unless I do the first year course-ADMN 100- that I missed. But I have an accounting 100 so I'm good for that one at least. It just puts my schooling a full year behind, by the end of this one it will be about two.
My house is unhappy to be in so I spend the majority of my time at my boyfriend's.
And hopefully soon I will be employed.
Maybe.

June 17 2009

So, I'm beginning to wonder if anyone else is looking forward to 2012 being as disappointing as Y2K was? I mean, logically, unless in the next two years the earth decides to spiral out of its orbit around the sun because we launch a few too many space shuttles made out of materials that we mined from the centre of Earth and threw off it's weight required to float around the sun in its balance of weight and speed, then why would the earth destruct and kill every living thing on it?
The likelihood of it happening is beyond ridiculously low, and seriously:
The Mayans probably wrote all sorts of interesting stories about inexplicable things like creation and recreation of the world. Luckily for us, we have examples of these stories throughout time: look at the bible. It's been around for a few thousand years.
It's also told of the coming of someone important for a long time now, and unless he's lost somewhere, I'm pretty sure it's not gonna happen. But I mean, believing in two different religions at the same time must be a really neat plan. Because technically, that's all this Mayan crap is. Just another religion.
At least the illogical beings are admitting that someone else may have been more intelligent now. Too bad they couldn't just give up and help us work on looking at archaeology or genetic evolution as some of the people are intelligent enough to work out missing details about, oh, I don't know: Darwin's work? Theory of Evolution? Ring a bell?

June 7 2009

Well, I'm living away from school now. :D I am officially in a house in the city that my school resides that is different from the one I had originally planned and written about. In fact, it is fairly different. For one thing, there was an awful horrible death in the room beside the front room... well. I mean, any death is awful and horrible, right?

And so now, I swear I can hear people talking on occasion, but if the windows are open I generally assume it was someone outside. Yesterday I'm fairly sure that I had seen someone who wasn't there walk up the stairs at the front where my vacuum routinely gives out as the engine does... something? I don't know. I still haven't figured out why my vacuum keeps having engine problems in the front hall while vacuuming the front mat and stairs.

Now, in this new house, I have two rooms. I have a room upstairs, which is the tiny room. I also have a room in the basement. It is the awesome room. I painted that one myself. I'm very proud of all the work I've done in this house. When I got here, there had originally been five people--one of which was a girl who claims to be semi-clean.

When I got here, there were piles of bug-ridden dishes on the kitchen surfaces; the back (I call them slave) staircase was covered with a sticky dust that was about an inch thick; the basement had been a grow-op, and I was surprised to see that the other half of the basement was regarded as a dumping ground by the previous tenants.

So, I've cleaned the kitchen, and the stairs and the bathroom; the front room has also been changed to remove dead plants, the rooms that I live in are cleaned and my landlord removed the trash from the basement and I used his shop vac to remove a year's collection of dirt, animal skin and dried pot leaves from the corners. (If you need me/I'll be downstairs/with the shop vac/you can call but I probably won't hear you/'cause it's loud with the shop vac on...)

Anyway, so after moving in and realizing that I'm slightly anal with the cleaning, I've also begun to embrace it. Yeah, so I like the house to be presentable (at least, the house that others will see. My rooms are still a mess with boxes everywhere, but I've cleaned and vacuumed those more than once, too.)

Still, I'm exasperated to learn that cats smell. Like, I don't know if it's just semi-unclean litter boxes or whether it's the cat itself, but let me tell you: my rats smell prettier.

Right. Rats. :D

Anyway I figure I've said enough.

March 3, 2009

White Horse-Taylor Swift

Yep, so I've realized that Taylor Swift has a song on her album, Fearless, for just about any possible feeling a girl about my age could possibly be exhibiting. Yay! I'm not alone in the world!

I wonder, though, if it's not on purpose. I mean, why else would I read random blogs depending on my mood? Why else would I write a blog that identifies what I'm feeling?

7 Things-Miley Cyrus

I mean, seriously. Let's look at these songs. Where am I in my daily life? Why else do we have entire websites dedicated to music and playlists referring to any given mood that any person could possibly want to be in!

Movies, too, are important as we have to use other things to evaluate our own lives... and feel normal. So I wonder: is it better that we have examples to live by, or is it a negative thing?

February 24, 2009

So, I finally found a fifth for the house (hereafter, generally referred to as 'my house' even though it's technically not) that the group of me and my friends are renting. For the most part, life's pretty good right now. It's like, just, even. Once in a while a terrible thing comes along, but sometimes, good also comes from it.
Short update today, really. Kinda jittery from the coffee I drank...it's sad 'cause it was only a double-double.
Also: I found ebay. It. Is. Awesome.
But I'll be spending money on there if I am not careful.
On the plus side, I'll get more crap!
Whoo!
Ooh, and I ordered the new charger for my battery. Yay!

February 17th, 2009

I realized today, that I have different views about a few really big things that might eventually come into play in my life.

It all started while I was watching "Without a Trace".

First, I thought that if I knew someone that I was close to who was receiving treatment for something that it would be unfair to push them to the extent of 'against their will'. For example religious reasons--with the exception of a child who was under the age of majority, and below the age of wherever I was legally, because that child should not be denied any treatment because of a parent's religion and beliefs. The child should be free to make decisions after the age of majority, when they are old enough to understand the consequences of their actions, by law.

Then, while I was thinking, I was trying to figure out what would have happened if I had pursued becoming a doctor. As a doctor, I would push to give the patients the treatment that they needed as long as the pros outweighed the cons, because why shouldn't something that can be helped, be helped?

And then, I was thinking that as a person, I would want my mother to have what she wanted, whether that was life or death.

Which led me to think about helping a person commit suicide, which I entirely disagree with, seeing as I can't comprehend suicide, because to me I have been raised to be disgusted by suicide. There is always worth in someone, regardless of their situation... or was there?

Is there? Can a pedophile ever be forgiven for what he or she has done? 

Can a person who murdered a close family member ever be forgiven, or accepted?

No. 

Not by me. They would deserve to be punished in the exact same manner that they caused the problem. If they killed, kill them.

And then: I could never banish someone to death. No, not those murderers, not someone who raped children. Life is precious. And if I were to kill them for killing someone of mine, it would be nothing compared to the guilt that they could suffer for the rest of their natural lives, if they were to know me. It would be a fate worse than death, perhaps instilling a need for suicide in them. 

Which would be fine by me.

But would they suffer guilt? Perhaps they were raised to think that they had the right to take a life? The guilt would never occur. Then, then I would vote for the death sentence.

And all of this filtered into: I really have a very skewed view of my own beliefs. I don't really know what I would do in any situation, because it depended on the situation; on the balance of outcomes. 

And I blame it on being Canadian, and watching American shows, and having certain beliefs. I believe, sometimes, an eye for an eye, but the school system says walk away, give everyone a chance. Believe in people. Even the bad guys have a reason to do what they do. 

Yet, no one has ever proved that pedophiles are acting the way they do for any reason; there's never been proof that like physical or emotional abuse, that there's a background reason for their actions.

Not to my knowledge anyway. Maybe I should search a little more into the subject, before I make assumptions.

So, I am left with the really confused section of thoughts: Who is right, and who is ever wrong if they are so easily swayed depending on environment, consequential proof, personal beliefs, morals of surroundings and a past? 

No one, and everyone, I suppose.

Another one of those 'everything is relative' things. Right and wrong are only right and wrong when a person believes them as such, and only by that person...

So how do we know that all of our laws are right?

February 15, 2009

So, yesterday was Valentine's Day. Yes, yes, love to anyone who needs it. Don't go killing yourself because no one wanted to be your valentine. They're not worth it anyway. You're better than they are.

Anyway, I'm sure that there's some Saint somewhwere going "aaahhhh... it's always about the chocolate". I wonder... was the person obsessed with cocoa beans? Why is there chocolate involved? Seriously...
I actually had to stop and think about this.
There are so many holidays in the Western world that involve things that we aren't supposed to be eating, or drinking, or doing... Nearly one a month. Holidays like April Fool's day, which aren't about doing things that we Westerners won't usually do (for health reasons, or because of our ingrained phobias of gaining weight and looking...fat...) aren't celebrated as widely, nor are they as... economically based?
Heh. How about that. I mean, how could anyone possibly turn a day like that day in August which is some sort of civic holiday. I can't even imagine the Sears posters up around the store:
"It's that day in August again! Save 2% on all fashions that are previously red tagged and also on the clearance racks!"
"TSITACH: Thank Sears It's The August Civic Holiday"
And heck, we might as well even find someone's name to throw in on the civic holiday...
I know...
August Civic Holiday (ACH): Nifzeta finished chapter six in the Aeneid Day!

Well, hey! If the governments and companies can do it for crappy days like Valentines day that really don't mean much or even have a significant background related to what the day is (Seriously guys, do you really only love your girlfriends once a year??? I mean, come on. And ladies: Why do you expect anything from him? What day does he have to get stuff from you? I mean, he does NOT want that teddy bear, regardless of the fact that he just said it's the cutest thing he's ever gotten, because you'll turn your back and he'll take it off the middle of the pillow you just laid it on, and then toss it into the pile of them that you've gotten for him since you two started dating.)

No, the best day I've ever heard of is Steak and a Blow Job Day (March 14th) (Facebook Group since the website was not... quite... 14A. : http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2245265187). Now there, right there, is a great holiday. And if we're going to be forced to observe the pitiful Valentine's day every year, then Steak and a Blow Job Day should also be observed.
It's only fair.
If the ladies expect a day all for them full of diamonds and chocolate and teddies and cards... men get a day of this.

And ladies (or men): Before you say anything to me: I am female. I am straight. And I have a boyfriend. I have never liked Valentine's day, either when I was single or not. I have never liked that holidays are so obsessed with economic value.
And I certainly do not wish that people should celebrate anything out of the peer punishment received if they avoid the celebration.

Which is what has really set me off in the first place.
Valentine's day, if it is celebrated, should be about love. First and foremost. I'm not saying go out and get laid, which I'm sure was a mantra of about half the sixteen year olds in every high school around where I was yesterday. I mean, think about what love means to you.
What does it mean to you?
Is it more important than other things? Less important?

Good. Now that you have thought about that, think about this: If it's more important than other things, why do you not celebrate it more often?
Why are you suckered into giving a gift to someone only on one specific day of the year, when it's expected? And how does that really show you care? Because you... pulled out your MasterCard or your Visa or your Debit or your cash and you handed it over to some kid behind the counter, selling half-dead (or possibly very nice, if you skipped work or other responsibilities)?

Every day is a good day to tell someone you love them. Every day is a good day to show someone you care. Every day, not just February the fourteenth, should be a day of celebrating the care that you have for others. Parents, significant others, friends, siblings, or any other acquaintance that you feel necessary to you should be shown every day that you are respectful of them, that you are thankful to have them, and that you might even, sort of, waaaayyy down deep, kinda sorta might just feel like... maybe...
You think Valentine's day is just a liiiiiiiiiitttllee too worked up by companies to be a good holiday.



...And if you feel that there is no one to love, and no one loves you, remember this: You should love you, because you're better, because you're in your head, and they aren't. Unless they are... in which case, you may need some form of medication, or you need to take out the glass tubing that you thought would be cool to have installed in your own head the other day.
It was a baaaddd idea, dude.
Seriously.

February 3, 2009

I am twenty tomorrow, and I feel old. Other than that, my computer needs to be formatted--again. It has like a six month death worm or something. It blue-screen-of-death'd me this morning. I was NOT happy. On the plus side, I have this awesome mac that I sit and mess around with when the Dell's being a bi... yeah. You know where I'm going with it.

The music that I'm listening to is all over the place since I'm intermittently renaming songs that my iTunes feels it necessary to rename in sets of four letters such as "LHFS" since I put music on my computer from my boyfriend's.

His computer's on the fritz, too.

My car has officially died, poor thing, a product of the temp guage melting, then a head gasket blowing, and some other thing. So, it overheated, blew the head gasket, and it costs more to replace than my car did when we got it. Seeing as the poor car has like, 489000 km on it, I'm going to say that's a hell of a long life, and I'm ready to sell the pieces, (some of which I replaced this summer. My car was fairly expensive for me this summer.)

So, now I'm looking for a new one. A cheap new one, actually.

Volkswagon, anyone? :D I would love one.

Anyway, for real, though, my dad's looking at a standard sunfire. I like them. I've thought they were cute for a while. I like the shape of them, and I like the inside. It also seems like every rugby player that I know drives them. I don't know. They're just a standard rugger car. He's looking at a two-door. Which is cool, too. Not like I need a fifteen door vehicle. There's one of me, and usually one passenger.

I just don't like the buses around here, and it's too cold to leave and stand at a bus stop after like, five at night, because then you freeze some interesting body parts off. Ones that you need.

Anyway, not much else going on. Let's see:

1)broken car

2)homework

3)iTunes and computer being a... yeah.

sounds about right!

Okay, I guess I'm off. Luck be with everyone.

January 18th, 2009

It has been a while since my last update. Sorry... :D

Anyway, I have been looking for a house here in the city that my school is, and as a result I have been a little more preoccupied. I've also decided that passing this semester would be really nice, because my one mark last semester ended up being a little less than passing, and as a result, although my other two marks are higher, I'm still running on a low mark.

What I Got-Sublime

Anyway, I found a house with a few friends, it's a gorgeous older four bedroom that's got a really weird bathroom in a random hallway that once solely led to the basement... but you know. I love the bedrooms where I will be living all the time, too.

Landslide-Dixie Chicks

The house is a bit older, it's a four bedroom, although at this moment in time, there are only three rooms that have people in it. My friend who is the only other girl signed in to live there is staying in her room with her boyfriend, so they're both paying for the one room and then we'll split utilities between as many people as there are living there, which is only currently signed to be four, since my boyfriend didn't want to give a definitive answer until he knows he can go in with us.

Anyway, since my camera battery is dead and the only method of charging it is otherwise undetectable (ahem, at my grandma's I think, from Xmas time), I have sort of drawn you some semblance as to the house layout...

Sin Wagon-Dixie Chicks

There are a few things that I'm not sure about because they don't look right on the drawing to me, and um... yeah. I'm not an architect. Sorry. Also: You might have to save and view separately... Overall in a clockwise direction starting from the far left little sticking out- thingie:

Front porch, staircase/hallway, kitchen and the arrow indicates the freak bathroom which also leads to the basement. Continuing on the first floor which is the first rectangle, down from the kitchen, it connects to the living/dining rooms which are undecided as to which one will be which.

I'm not really sure. The dark black lines are doors leading to outside. Yay. Front and back doors, we have a backyard with which to entertain, and it will be nice.

The next rectangle is the upper floor. So, from the top left: a bedroom which is the smallest and will likely be mine, the stairs coming up, a short hallway with exits toward both the large bathroom and another bathroom, then continuing clockwise we have a bedroom which will probably be my friend and her bf's room, and then a fourth bedroom. In the middle is just a little landing thing.

The basement just looks like a basement that's fairly short, so it's like, normal. It's got the washer, the dryer, and the laundry tub. Apparently it floods sometimes because of the river that runs through the city here.

You know, standard for houses by water.

Anyway. Can you tell how excited I am to move in to it? I'm liking it. We'll have to do some things to it, but I'm in love with it. So much so that I pretty much was just like, let's just take this one. I like this one. Yeah, that's nice, but it's not as good as the first one we saw.

Yeah. Had I been alone, I would have totally signed the lease right there.

Auld Lang Syne-Dropkick Murphys

Wonderful Tonight-Eric Clapton

So, that's mostly what I've been up to lately. That, and school. And, trying to pay for school, and I've been attempting to get a job.

Otherwise, I'd say, I'm doing pretty well.

Yessir, pretty darn well :D

Cocaine-Eric Clapton

December 25th, 2008

Wow, Christmas was really proliferant this year. I got two nutcrackers, and like, 8+4 pairs of socks. It made my life. I also got a keg coffee mug. who doesn't want one of those?
"No, I swear professor, it's just tea!"
Haha. And I got a chair-back that is purple. And apparently, a rugby ball that my mum forgot. Again. :D I have like four now! It's getting awesomer. I have a team's worth of rugby balls, and I will never run out. They're all different, too. It's cool. :D
Umm... School. I've changed my major. I will now go for business. I might look at accounting.
I don't know.
Anyway. Gotta go. Busy, busy day.

December 1, 2008

I have no problems in life right now. My life is perfect.
I don't have any complaints. I'm mostly passing everything in school. I've developed a method for eating in the cafeterias so that I don't puke all over and don't feel sick directly afterwards. I have successfully secured a place in the university. I'm definitely not a rookie, after this year (even though rookie night left me with THREE distinct bruises on my right knee and a scratch on my chin, and I was brought home by a friend on the team who was much, much more sober than I, and she got her boyfriend, and they got mine at my drunken request, but mine didn't mind... or at least that's what he said.) I am content, for the most part, except that I'm heading home for three weeks on the thirteenth from dorm where I have spent every night of the last month with my boyfriend(although we kind of requested of each other that we don't really use those terms because of the pressure that they put on us which is silly because we say it all the time anyway), pretty much. We don't separate a lot. Just when I go to the gym, or when one of us has a class, or goes home, or has a rookie night... and then I come home drunk anyway, and beg for him to come and make me feel warm because I'm freezing.
Anyway, yes. I generally am having a really good life.
I'm semi-passing, I'm not too stressed with so many languages. I don't know how Kichasnano does it, but he'll keep doing it, I'm sure. And I'll be sitting there going, "What does this mean?"
He says "Te amo" alot. I like "Ego te amo" better, and probably will always, simply because it's what I remember. Anyway, in case you didn't catch that, it's latin. "ego" means "I". And the rest should be obvious if you know French/Latin/Spanish.
I think that It's necessary for me to say that as perfect as my life is, I'm not overly happy, and I'm not excessively obsessed with Kichasnano... which, I think, might be healthy. I'm content. I could win the lottery, but I don't know if that would change my life much. I'd move out of dorm, I'd make Christmas awesome and buy everyone really cool presents and pay off their stuff, and I'd pay off school for the next five years. Then I'd get a job and put the rest of the money towards fixing my parents' house and grandparents' house.
Anyway, I'm saying that I'm comfortable, and feel...right.
If I don't say anything till then, Happy Christmas.

November 7, 2008

Today is an interesting day. I think I've decided about my plan of action. I hate it when I make decisive decisions, but it's gotten to the point where I just can't deal with idiocy any more, and I really just want to know.
I hate men. They cause so much strife. Well. I suppose I haven't got much to say again. Just going along with life, doing my homework and writing novels for NanoWrimo.
Excerpt:

Shrieking in fear, she pounded on the roof of the box that she was trapped within. To her horror, it fit her like a second glove, perfectly mimicking her body’s slender size and boyish shape. The inner surface that she lay upon was smooth and silky, much like the shirt was that she had worn to her work’s last Christmas party, but in the pitch blackness she could not see if the color was anything like the blouse.

Mmm... I'm going to go watch Footloose now. It's one of the best movies ever invented, I have to admit. Then after that, I'm going to watch RHPS. The other best movie ever invented. :D

November 5, 2008

As was said to my friends online at midnight-ish?
Remember, Remember
The Fifth of November...

:D So I fell asleep at one thirty in the morning watching V for Vendetta.
It's a good movie, but we won't get into why.
Too much debate.
Now I'm in a really good mood for no particular reason. I just decided though, that were I a star who acted in generally accepted movies by the public, I would keep a copy of everything I did and use it as a game plan for the next one. "Oh, I did this wrong here, I could do better by..." And improve as I went. I mean, clearly, I'm an awesome actress(snicker, snicker)already, so I don't know why I'd need to improve...
:P
Yeah, they'd never let me onto a big hit. I could do a big Canadian Hit, but they're only B movies that you watch when you really have nothing else to do and all the shows are taken off by some crappy American Debate over who's gonna be the next president.
Just a little bitter about that.

Anyway... Uh... Yeah. Okay. I'm done for the day.

October 29, 2008

Hey! This is my hundredth post! Time to celebrate *dances* woohoo!
Success at its finest! I mean, who else in their right minds would be excited about the honour of sitting at a desk for long enough to have written a hundred posts while single-handedly ignoring homework, social time, AND cleaning?

In other news...
I decided, yesterday, that next semester I would make my life a little easier and retreat from my previously chosen section of learning. I definitely switched out of Latin and Greek.
Yes.
I can't stand them, there's just too much to learn.
Then, today, I got an email on the school email questioning whether or not one should drop a course... so I did. I am no longer in Greek. *sigh* it sucks, because I gave up and I hate giving up. I mean, really, if it were more interesting, or useful, I'd think about working harder on it.
Buuuttt... Not really interested. In grade ten, maybe I was. Okay, I was. But now? Naah. I need something a little more useful, because something might come up and that rich guy that I'm looking for to marry for his money might not actually exist, or, you know, be single and unmarried. Then again, who says I'd need to marry him? I could just be a mistress...
naah. Then I could never claim anything from his name.
Anyway, in order to not have too many failing courses show up on my transcript, I dropped Greek this semester, too. I still have Latin so that I have a full courseload, but Latin's not too hard, I just think it's boring. But if I don't have to worry about Greek AND Latin at the same time, it will be much easier to do just Latin. That will be perfect.
*sigh*
I hate quitting. Anyway, I have to go do some... no, nope. No Greek homework. I guess i'll just have to finish the Iliad now. Darn. I was so looking forward to...no, nope. I wasn't. I wasn't looking forward to the Greek work.
For some reason, I feel oddly elated...

October 27, 2008

Hmm... Halloween is coming and I'm going to be BATMAN!
Then, there's a guy down my hallway who, when I said that I was going to be the better of the magnificent duo, he said "You can't be Batman?! You have to be Batwoman! You're just not a guy!"
Well, and here I thought that we'd cleared up this silly thing where men stereotype women.
I try very hard to not stereotype men.
Or do I? I mean, I certainly wouldn't chase a little pansy guy who did silly things like... study birds for a living. Hahaha. I'd laugh at any man who was smaller, thinner, shorter than me.
Okay, I suppose that I do stereotype men.
And you know, as much as we'd all like to see women gain the equivalent status of a man, it will never happen. Even after all this time, I have my accounting class, and there are one HECK of a lot more guys, better looking guys, more manly, demanding guys in that class because it's a BUSINESS class then there are women.
In my friend Sylver's college class for architecture, there are significantly fewer women then men.
I think that the only reason we as a society think that we are all equal is because we are given numbers. When you actually experience it, it's quite odd.
This entire revelation came about when I was looking for a cool halloween costume. I wanted to be spider man, actually.
All I could find in any of the women sections were bust-baring, high-thigh, teensy-tight, clevage-collecting costumes, designed to tease, entice, and promise to men that I am easy. Here's my thing: I'm not really hard. Seriously.
But I'm not going to sell it, either. That's like, I'll show it, when I want to, if it suits me.
Usually, actually, I dress like that specifically to get attention.
But on Halloween? Why? Does every day have to be a day that women are expected to look like fourteen year olds who still haven't figured out that dressing in clothes is better than dressing in tights?
Grr...

Seriously, I'm a hoodie and jeans kinda girl. And the funny thing is, that last year, I decided I wanted to look better than a few other girls, because I wanted to catch the attention of a guy. So, I was. The first thing that my guyfriend said when he saw me was:
"What? Since when do you have cleavage?"
I was amazed that I'm declassified as a girl if I don't dress like one.
I mean, I never lose my... clear girly squeal when I see a cute guy.

Oh well. I suppose eventually, I'll find someone who's more comfy with me the way I am. My fingers are still crossed for that guy in my accounting seminar. He's pretty cool.

Anyway, tune in next time;
Same bat time,
Same bat channel!

October 20, 2008

Wow. How about this one: It's six fifty in the morning. I've slept since eight o'clock last night...

So, my life's awesome. Yeah, I dunno if I was bored or if I was just finally getting all that sleep back that I didn't have while school was in, but whatever it was, I feel great now. :D
Well, a little cold.
Hm. It's seven sixteen now, and the sun isn' t up yet. This is going to be a fuuuun winter. On the plus side, it might rain today. Gives me a reason to stay inside and maybe even go shopping a little bit! Yay! I haven't actually had much of a chance to go anywhere but a GT, walmart, and now a sears. I've yet to wander around those little stores downtown or ANYWHERE in Peterborough... I mean, it's a small town, but it's got loads of little stores. We even have a few malls...
:D
I'll prolly end up sitting here designing tee shirts for Twilight's release... :D Maybe I'll get Sylver's done for her. I've had it planned this long, why not? I have lots of time. I just need some cardboard. And some sylver paint :P
Truesay. I'll have to find some tee shirt paint.
Otherwise, I'd say I haven't got much to do other than read the rest of the Iliad and start on the Oddyssey.
And you know how much I want to do that? About as much as I want to poke my own eyes out... Hahaha.
(But then how will I see the movie??? It's just not the same if I can't see Twilight!!)

October 17th, 2008

Okay. I'm getting sick of this guy thing. Seriously.
All of them. Every single one of the guys I know is on my nerves right now. Except the gay ones, or the ones I can't ever see myself with.
Well, and Kiz. I don't see how he even figures in anymore, it's been so long. He's just... history.
Unfortunately, the newest replacement for Kiz--the one with the personality and the one with the raver girlfriend who lives miles away... he seems to have taken up that place. Within six months of realizing I needed to change, else I would be doomed to be forever wishing Kiz would just see reason and a happy ending might therefore occur, I ended up screwing up AGAIN and finding someone else who's just as eager to step up and be the douche.
I don't know. I don't hate him, like I keep saying to myself.
I hate me, for not being able to deal when this kind of guy comes along. He's so... perfect. He's crazy. It suits me. He's random, and aloof. It keeps me amused and always thinking about him. I'm never bored. I get bored easily, and this kind of guy's so random.
He's forceful.
And I hate myself for wanting to relive every damned minute of it, because I know it will never come back. I think he blocked me on everything.
He will never be back. And I can't stop thinking about what he was like. And what he did. And comparing every new guy to him, because maybe, just maybe, I'll find a replacement.
Yesterday, I was in a really bad mood, because two nights ago, I was up really late. As I was in that half state between awake and sleep, I caught a whiff of him. Just... his smell. So perfect. So comforting. And while I tried to find the smell again right then, at five o'clock in the morning, for ten minutes, TEN MINUTES, I searched just to smell his scent, and I realized it.
I have hit the lowest of lows.
Again.


It's not him I hate for it, it's me. I hate how I react to a certain breed. A breed that I will never conquer but always want to. And in wanting to, that's who I'll be most attracted to.
I hate myself. I want to step out for a few days, take a few days off from my memories and my past, and just... step out. I want a coma to last a few days so I can sleep, so I can sleep without dreaming any more dreams. Because they're good dreams. They make me happy. And then I wake up and wish I could dream again. I've gotten to insomniac because I just don't want to sleep. It's easier to just stay awake and not sleep, keep busy and distract myself.
But there's only so much I can do before I a)fall asleep or
b)hate myself again.
Like now. I hate me right now.
I hate him.
I hate me.

I hate me.
I hate us both.

October 9, 2008

Well, I'm officially failing, like, everything. I think it's technically mid-terms... and I'm not doing too well. Hopefully I can pull off a bunch of amazing-catch-up-on-marks things like I always did in high school... I was really good at that. I mean, I now know that I can in fact get my stuff done, if I have to, at three in the morning. Yes. It does happen. I just don't know where all the time goes. On the other hand, my eyes were so burning this morning that I had to take out my contacts, and now my eyes are even more burning. Now they're better. I just put on my glasses. It helped a lot. it's just 'cause I'm blind.
Anyway, other than that, I suppose it's all good. I got my first hangover the other day... I suppose Wednesday... Tuesday was Team Tuesday at the bar that put money or something towards our rugby team. Yeah, we're cool. We're supported by a bar.
Although, our summer team at Creek was also supported by a bar in Stoney Creek. So, I guess it's fairly common.
Yeah. Anyway, Tuesday was interesting. I don't think I'm ever going to change because I just can't seem to. On the plus side, I did say no when I got asked to go home with someone. My excuse: I'm not drunk enough, and I have homework waiting for me.
I ended up missing the last bus to school and crashing at a teammate's apartment which was two blocks from the bar.
It was awesome. Her floor was really comfy.
Anyway, I'm going to go nap for an hour. I have a long day ahead of me, and an even longer weekend. And I have a seminar due. Maybe I should do that now. Forget the naps. I'll wake up when I get pounded on in the practice.
Time for some coffee...

September 29, 2008

Wow. Some people...

Ahahaha. That's all I can say. Hellloooo guys: My face, it's about a foot above where you're looking. Thanks. :D

And then people wonder why I wear big sweaters and 'boy jeans' all the time. I can't help it if you decide to show up at my room at seven thirty at night... I don't like wearing my clothes if I don't have to. So I'll take off the sweaters and switch to pj pants. But don't look at me like that. Thank you.
I'll tell you when you can, if you can, admire me. And then and only then will I allow it.

And that's the way it should be, as long as I'm fending for myself and am not married to anyone.

So there.

September 25, 2008

Today is Linck's bday. She's old. Haha.
Kidding.
Anyway, that's just my random shoutouts. Shout out? Shouter? Yeah. Shouter.
It looks really dumb though. Not catchy enough.
So, anyway, as of the end of this week, I have lived in dorm for a month and still haven't even met anyone that wasn't a creeper or "just a friend".
Kids, I'm sure that someone, somewhere is having sex or is currently in the blissful aftermath of passion on campus, but let me tell you: it certainly isn't me.
I mean, I definitely don't help myself much--I'm starting to get disapproving stares from my friend who lives in the other dorm across the way. She seems to want me to get out and meet guys. She always has an opinion on who it is that wants to "bone me" as she likes to put it.

I understand earlier, that I was making myself unavailable, but sometimes I wonder if I just missed the class on how to flirt?
Because even if I know that a guy's flirting with me, it makes it that much harder to go along with it. I just can't do it. It then makes me want to laugh at them and I can't take them seriously. Really.

I guess I'll give up for now. I've lost the battle, but I damn well have not lost the war.

September 22, 2008

I don't think I've ever done homework before, and I'm doing it now... I hate it.
Anyway, I just would like to say that sylver's right: I will never be able to go two weeks without some form of attention, because I'm just like that. It's kind of sad. I need some things, and I refuse to go without, damnit! I am a pretty good looking girl, I think. I should get some a lot.
Damn this emotion thing. Damn it to hell...
Mmm... popcorn. ! I have vinegar in my purse from mcdonald's! Woot!
*munch, munch*
I wish Pitcher was single.
I've been thinking about him but I don't know if it's because I'm single or because it really truly struck home that he's the only person who noticed I wasn't quite right last week without me saying something about it...?
I don't know. But now, I hate myself for thinking what I've been thinking. So, scratch that, damn me for thinking bad things, and back to my popcorn and accounting homework.

September 22, 2008

Joe from Oshawa is a good man.
He helped me when my car was all messed up. I think I should have given him some money... but I didn't. I feel bad because I didn't, but that's okay, I guess. Next time, if ever I see him again, I will for sure.
I dunno, my car just started overheating and steaming while I was on the 401 just outside of Oshawa--considering I've driven about a thousand kilometres--no lie-- since Friday, I'd say that's understandable.
Basically, I overheated and steamed all my water out of my rad. I only bought one bottle of water from timmie's and Mr. Joe from Oshawa helped me a)find the place to put the water and b)put more water in, since he brough me a whole thing of it.
And then he showed me where the 401 was.

I think I have had my faith restored in humanity, once again. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am much happier in that silly little problem I have with trusting people. I tend to do it far too often and it gets me into trouble, but sometimes, sometimes it's just worth it.

On the other side, the what...
Let's see how much time I actually did spend in a car this weekend:
Drive Leanne to Mike's: 45 mins one way, and then I drove back to Trent; 1.30 hrs altogether.
Drive home from Trent: 2:45 mins one way
Drive to my house from Grandma's: 20 mins.
Drive to Western University/around the campus: 3.30 mins one way.
Drive home from western: 3.30 mins one way.
Drive to Grama's: 20 mins.
Drive back to Trent University: 4 hours(because a) I broke down in Oshawa and b) it's still construction season in Canada.)
Drive Leanne home from Mike's: 45 mins one way, and then I drove back to Trent; 1:30 hours all together.
Soooo.... In Three? Four days? I've spent: 1045 minutes in the car which is: seventeen hours and forty-two minutes in the car. Just a general number, too, not including any in between trips that were actually less time.
Wow. I love University. I get to drive, everywhere. And next weekend will be JUST as awesome. Cool, eh?

Anyway, in the seventeen hours and forty-two minutes I've spent in the car, I've had a lot of time by myself to think how much I'm not interested in a crazy relationhip. I don't want someone that's all over the place. I don't want drama. I'm not interested in it. I want someone who's familiar, who I don't have to change for, who I won't expect to change for me. I want someone who's going to be normal; who understands my mood patterns enough to know when I'm pissed off and when I just need alone time. Or when I just need a good slap on the hand and a warning because I'm being a bitch.
And I'm sick of fighting for guys. I am so sick of having to worry all the time. I want someone that I can trust. I want someone who I won't have to bare my teeth to. I also want a looker. I want someone who can match me in looks. I'm not that bad looking, and I know it. I can look really good when I want to. Unfortunately, that makes me vain. And it makes me have standards for my men.

And like I said to Pitcher, the one thing I've realized is that I'm following my own past; history is repeating. Hopefully the next guy I get will be like the one I got after backcatcher: another Pitcher. Only this time, I'm not going to screw it up. Because I've seen the pattern. I've seen the way it is.
And I know that maybe, just maybe this time, I won't take it for granted because although my history in man order is repeating, the way I understand and process the loss of men is changing, which means I'm much more stable. I'd like to think that I might even be a little more on the sane, mature side. I just don't know if that's pushing it.

Because yes, I still wear socks with elephants on them for fun.
To rugby.
With a Pink Floyd tee shirt on top.

And anyone I date has to understand that, because I'm not babying them anymore, and I'm not going to attach myself to their waists anymore. I'm old enough to know that I can make decisions on my own.
So.
There.

Also thought about what to do for a house this summer... not sure I'm going home. I might see if I can stay in Peterborough.
It would be nice.
Also: about a house in the future. I wonder if Sylver and Pitcher would get together and design me a house? I'd love them both forever if they did that... ahaa. It'd be a house from a dream. With Pitcher's design schematics and invention and Sylver's methodology and ingenuity (especially with how well she knows me), I'd say that that would be the most kickass house in the world. Ever. Seriously. I'd have to think about moving away if I got that house...
Tata. I have some Latin to do, and a house and naked baseball players to think about, here.

September 17 2008

I value nothing more than truth. Honesty. Loyalty.
Does no one else?
Is there no other who does?
And if there are, as I'm sure there are, more people in the world who do also, then why do they never come out and announce it as such.
I shout it to the roofs that litter this dark world of cold suffering that we are to succumb to should this disease not be swept away, and I scream it to the heavens: Why should this be so difficult to locate? Why is it so damn impossible to find someone who agrees?

I value nothing more than truth. Honesty Loyalty.
So why do I keep finding the exact opposites?

I feel as though someoneis playing a game with my mind. With my person.

And I hate this game.

September 15 2008

So, the most frustrating thing that I have ever discovered, is being stretched too thin. I have been in a position where I am working three jobs and going to school full time and playing rugby, and had a boyfriend on top of that, and I wasn't stretched too thin. I have been in a position where I had absolutely no money, but always some way to get what I needed, and never have had a problem with it. I have had so much to do that I forgot to sleep.
And I have survived.

But I don't know how long this will last.
I have no money, no job, I'm on a varsity rugby team, and I go to school full time. I live at school.
And it is the hardest time that I have ever had. I frequently am forgetting to sleep, I am generally headachey, slightly nauseous, and am always hopped up on coffee. I'm not sure that the food here is good at all, in fact, I'm rather disappointed at how disgustingly oily EVERYTHING is. Even the salads are hard to make healthy.
But the thing is, that I always had support. I always figured out a way to get what I need. And I can't do it anymore. It's so hard to understand.
I can't get a loan because I have no credit. I have no credit because I can't get a loan because I have no credit.
It's an unerring cycle that's bullshit.
I need a co-signer but no one can co-sign because everyone I know is in financial worry. No one is in a position to do so.

And they took away my osap, so I can't afford my school books, let alone my insurance for my car to get back to where I live or my food for those days when the friggen caf's are only open when I need to be at rugby.
And God help me if I want to have a life.
I can't afford it. Ahahaah. Mom, you didn't need to spot me twenty dollars for that pub card. I have no money. I can't afford to drink.
Fuck. I'm going to be a prostitute.
They make money that's not taxed AND it's not half bad work. Ahahahahaaahahahaa... Oh, that just made me laugh. I think I've hit that point of exhaustion where not only am I tired, but I'm coming into illogical suggestions. Hahahahaahahahaahahahaa. Aah. Ah. AaAh. Hehe. Haaaah. Now I'm good. I'm good.

September 13, 2008

So, it's saturday. I've done half my homework. It's only five o'clock, but supper's soon.
And, I'm not over the boy, but I can be if he decides that he's not into me. I'll understand, because I'm a nutbar. It's true. I'd understand if I was single for the rest of my life. I'm a control freak with anal-retentive tendencies.
And, above that, I become obsessed and single out one idea.
It's not something that I can change, I've done it all my life. I was really, really, really good at school until I switched the idea over to boys. It's because I could only focus on school. I had no personal life, no idea on how to meet and greet, and most of all, I had no concept of normalcy.
But no longer. While I am still sort of interested in school, I am more centred on one guy. And that scares them off, obviously, creating the need to meet and collect another boy. Soooo... Yeah. I'm screwed, is all I can say. But I still like him. It's just unlikely that I'll be able to keep him. Too bad.
But maybe I'll see if he still wants me and then I'll go from there. I'll see what I can do to tone myself down, because I'm starting to scare me.

September 12, 2008

I have had my day made... I love theatre. But I'm not an actor, they're weird. I'm a dancer.
Aah, the jokes just aren't as good anymore. I mean, I love it, but no one gets it when I say it at school. Seriously. Kinda sucks.
I miss the play. We all were happy, if not overworked and seriously tired. But that coffee thing stuck with me, and now I pee thirty times a day because I never drink water, justcoffee... can't be good for my system. hahaha.
*sigh* so, I'm not upset about Jeremy, but I am kind of curious as to what he thinks. I don't know. I do know that I act like a kid in relationships, which is bad and annoying. But oh well. Why do I suck in any sort of relationship--here, I'm naming a relationship simply the behavioural tendencies between two people, not necessarily the tendency between a dating couple (Since I'm not dating him).
Anyway, I still don't get along with people. Oh! Crap! My car's parked too close to the thing. Damnit. I have to go move that. Bye!

Sept. 11/08

Well, it's happened.
I'm getting nervous about the guy I like. Just because we're so far away, and I never see him, and we're not actually dating... there's so much that just seems so stupid that I worry about but I also worry regardless of whether or not I actually mean anything and am wasting my time thinking about him and not expanding my networks outward. I think I'm going to make some friends. I can't keep this up. I'm making myself stress about going on with him all the time, because I can accept neither loss nor defeat well.
I hate this. I just want to know that he thinks about me half as much as I do about him.
God. I hate men. I want constant reassurance that maybe, maybe I'm not nuts. Maybe, maybe they actually kind of like me when I like them. Because I know that guys move around, I know that they lose interest, and I have no faith in them, ever.
I hate the one who did this to me, the most, I think.
I hate being the way that I am.
I think I am going to go watch a few dane cook skits, just because I'm that unhappy.
See you later.

September 10/08

September 09/08

Soooo, school has a bit more homework then I've EVER done in my life. EVER. no lie. I went to Westmount, and I've never ever had to do this much homework at any given tme. And from the looks of it, it's not going to stop any time soon. It's the first week. I was up until three last night working on Greek. Granted, I had gone over to Leanne's right after rugby and wasted an hour. Granted, I didn't have any books to work on during the day. However, it's a lot busier then I ever suspected that it would be. Holy cow.

September 9, 2008

Well, today was the frst day of classes. Not so hard. Greek was something that I've never done, so it was the new class, and I've done Latin so I'm ahead of a lot of the other students.
My anthropology prof basically said that she was going to try to teach us to look from the other side of the fence. Instead of just thinking "euw, cannibalism", we'd look at WHY the cannibals believe in it and try to understand from their pov.
Since I've learned to do that and have been since well before high school, this being one of the reasons that I left my first high school--there were several conversations when I realized that gifted doesn't necessarily mean open-minded-- and since I have already developed this skill, I figure that my opinions will be well developed and that this class may, in fact, be something that I will enjoy very, very much.
Tomorrow I take a history class (which I haven't done since grade ten), and an accounting class, which I have always promised that I actually hate but continue taking since I was kicked out of the conflicting social science, saying that I would ever pass accounting since it was math.
Boy, was I wrong. It quickly became a love-hate relationship. I hate it, it gives me hell, but it's a puzzle and I never want to give the puzzles up because it's like a game of logic. "Why is there a problem? I don't know, let's backtrack. Well, it's transposed down in the final number, so something has to be wrong here."
It's actually really amusing. Kind of sad, yes, but true also. :P
I know, the little things I think are really not intelligent. But I like it. :D

Other than that, I miss my (wrong word to use under the circumstances? Should he be known as "the" since he's not in my posession, technically? Yeah, I'm gonna milk this. This will be pointed out at every possible damned moment until it is rectified...) man-meat, and I suppose that it happens. Especially with me. He'll be around the weekend I come home, though, so that's nice. I'll get some. :P
I get to make a cake with Silver! Yesss! It will be an awesome cake.
Mmmmm... Cake. Tasty. I didn't eat much dinner. I won't et breakfast. But anyway, I should be doing my Greek. So I guess I'll get on that.
Uh oh. My computer's getting super-hot. It's nearly always on. Maybe I should start shutting it down??

September 7, 2008

I wrote this whole list of my downfalls, and also a list of my positive traits... they're about evenly matched. And the weird thing is that some of them are on both lists... I have things that I both love and hate, are positive and negative, depending on the situation. For example, I'm very honest, and it's good to be honest, but I will not lie to a person, regardless of the situation, and it gets me into trouble a lot. Being frank isn't alway a good thing to do. "Does this make me look fat?" Well, I'll say yes if it does.
heh, it was just interesting t look at.

September 04, 08

Aah. It's so much nicer just doing my own thing. Not that I can't stand the others, but I definitely have too much to do to just sit around... unless that's what 'm doing.
In which case it's awesome.
And my guitar... so awesome. I missed it while I was away without it. :'(
Mmm... I think I'll make popcorn.
And watch a movie. And space out before ruggers. And play my guitar.
And think about Jeremy. Who doesn't have a nickname... I'll have to think one up.
I need a new copy of that language... I can't seem to find mine at all. Wait a sec! I might know where it is!
*ruffles around bookshelf, which is finally organized enough to see it*
Nope. No dice. Sorry, but I guess I'll just refer to him as Jeremy... ooh, ooh! know!
Nope. I don't like that one... oh well.
Lfe sucks. I'll just call him by his name, then.

September 3, 2008

If they thought that hell week was bad for rugby, they thought wrong.
The first week of a first year's life-frosh week-has been torn apart at my university, and converted into some retarded charade of school where there are "leaders" (Like when you were a kid in camp whose leaders kept close tabs on you) and there are scheduled events, like mock lectures and discussions which are not even interesting.
No longer are there parties like mad, and awesome clubs to join; instead, we are wandering around and still trying to get unpacked. It's been three days. you'd think it would be done. But, no.
I mean, I also have rugby, so my nights are shot, too. Not that I'm complaining. At least we're respected in rugby. At the school, we're like four-year-olds.
I hope it ends soon.
And I need sleep like mad, because they think it's funny to wake us up early when we had a late night.
Some of us do things with out time: Rugby practice until 10:30, icing injuries for an hour after that... etc...

August 26, 2008

Well, It's been a hard, long week. I found a man, I spent enough time with him that I'm interested, I performed four plays, two dress rehearsals, did three different renditions of a tango, got addicted to coffee, weird sexual positions, explored the same sex and my tendencies towards them, discovered my old self, recreated my new self, celebrated and mourned the same thing, and slept two nights in a row with the same man, in the same place.
This has been the most eventful week of my life.
Tomorrow, I leave the man, my old self, the tango, the musical and all that behind in Hamilton for a month to do rugby at school.
I question my sanity.
I question all of everyone who's letting me go. Are we all a bunch of masochists?
Well, I learned this week that, really: Yes, I am. But only with certain someones and in certain ways. I don't like being pinched for biting my nails, but my bruises are very obvious.
Hips, neck, and scratch marks on my back.
I must be.
*sigh*
I will be back, I know it. Soon. Once a month, every month. Religiously. You could say that I was the werewolf of Trent University.
I'm officially leaving.
This will be the hardest thing I've ever done.

August 23, 2008

http://canwest.a.mms.mavenapps.net/mms/rt/1/site/canwest-chchnews-pub01-live/current/launch.html?maven_playerId=chchmain&maven_referralObject=3045252
Did it work? It's the news piece on my play... Check it out!

August 19, 2008

Sleep is for uncool losers. So, I've seen my schedule for the week, and to tell you all the truth: I'm pretty sure that the three practices I have to look forward to each day next week will be a walk in the park to this week coming. I have to:

• Still pack for school.
• Rehearse hardcore (As in, learn an entire tango in three days--play performances start on Friday and continue on till Sunday. BUY TICKETS FOR THE BOYFRIEND!)
• work
• Rugby game on Wednesday! (after my rehearsal)
• Still buy stuff for school (eg: telephone, printer ink, etcetera...)
• and I promised a friend ages ago we'd go out to lunch. Which has turned into "after work dinner.)

I am fairly sure that I'm not going to have any time between now and Sunday to eat, let alone sleep. Well, it was nice knowing y'all, but I'm fairly sure that I'm constituted as dead, now. Just, lay me down, and all that. I'm so stressed that I'm sick. On top of that all, Monday, I have a dinner. Thank goodness it's a dinner, because then I have all day to clean. And my grama and grampa helped me out immensely, with all the stuff they gave me. I love them. They are the awesomest.

I keep missing buttons on the keyboard. I say them in my head as I'm typing, but I never get the note to my fingers to hit the correct buttons. It's stupid.

I'm also sick, on top of it all. Sick, like, headcold. Headachey, nose running, coughing, earaches, watery eyes because my nose is running. Yeah. That.

Yay.

Damned me, doing everything all at once. I had to make it difficult by joining every stupid thing that I came across that I liked.Rugby, a play which I get to dance in... Work. Okay, the last one I don't really like, but I do like to make money.

It's all so hard.

Life's so hard.

Next topic: polygamy and why it's stupid-and should be illegal- to make it illegal.

August 13, 2008

School’s in two weeks. Terrified shitless. Seriously. Don’t tell anyone, but I am. So much so, that I’m having trouble thinking about it. Because I can’t really come out and be like, “Oh, yeah, right. So, that thing I’ve been bandying about for eight months, yeah that—I’m really, really terrified I’m going to go, and screw up in the social scene, miss all my classes, not understand what the HELL the teacher’s saying, and flunk out after spending nearly twenty thousand dollars on it.”
But, oh, no! I also am going to be there a week early for the rugby camp, which although is awesome will KILL me because I’m in terrible shape. But, I think that if the seniors on my team think I can do it, I’ll be able to. I do work my ass off in practices to get better. Literally. I’m in the best shape I’ve been in since I was dancing. Even against that, I think I’m stronger than I was then. I lost my flexibility, though, and I’m terrified when I go into tackles against anyone but a Sherwood girl or my own team. I don’t hit hard enough. Ever. I’m always afraid to do it. Oh well. I’ll learn or fall behind, and since I’m competitive, I don’t think I will fall too far before I get sick of not playing.
About school, though, I’m afraid that I’m going to alienate everyone because I am a bit of a creeper and do mass amounts of research on people before I even know them, just because it bothers me to not know them. And then I don’t tell them that I’ve done mass amounts of research on them, because “Hi, yeah, you don’t know me, but I know everything about you, including your dog’s name and you’re minute of birth” is a really bad pickup line.
I feel like a bit of a creeper, but I can’t help it. It’s a safety thing. I just don’t like not knowing who I’m up against. Seriously, if I were in any part of the government, it would be in the spying section.
It’s weird. And I damn well know it.

August 11, 2008

Well, prop didn't exactly work out. He just stopped calling. Whatever. Not my dealio. I don't care, I suppose. Well, that's not true. It's not that I don't care. It's that I can't care. Unfortunately, this has been happening lately, and I find that the best thing to do is ignore it. Pretend it never happened. Just forget it. It did happen, but it's gone. It didn't make a difference. One more reason to not believe anything that a man says, does, thinks. It's just... pointless. My mom keeps saying that because of the way I react to things, I'll never find a man worth keeping.
It makes sense to me. I don't think I will. Apparently I missed the class Understanding Men 101... Too bad. They're messed up, seriously. Then again, so are most women.
Humans, then, in general; I like it when a person will say what they're thinking at all times. I don't want a lie, I don't want something hidden, I don't want stupidity. I want a statement. It goes for everyone. Don't just hide what you think, say it. Maybe we'd have some more interesting things going on were that the case.
Eh. Oh well. Clean slate in University.
I'm born and bred to be popular there.

August 8, 2008

So, I play rugby. And I have sustained my first serious injury. It's not super serious, but it has damaged me enough to still be in pain the day after I did it. The embarassing part is that I did it in practice...
It was my finger. I totally jammed it while I was catching kicks from another girl on my team. Then I continued with the rest of the practice.
Ow.
Can you say owwie? 'Cause I've learned. I think I'm going to wrap it today, not that it's going to do anything. Gah. Ow. It's on my right hand, my ring finger, so every time I go to pick something up, it hurts like mad... and it's so swollen that it won't bend anymore. It looks like stupid. Okay, that is how bad it looks. My sentence didn't even work out.
On the other hand, it looks cool.
And it proves how weak my hand is.
Great. One more thing to have to work on for the next three weeks.

Also on a brighter note, I'm supposed to get a call today from Prop-man, which will be nice if it happens. Seriously. I'd like that. Ow. Something in that sentence just hurt my finger. OW. Not cool. Typing's not working for me.
Tata!

July 29, 2008

This is my honest-to-gods self-infliced diary entry for the day. It explains what I am and what i think, and probably gives a disgustingly close amount of insight into a woman's mind.

July 29, 2008
I definitely have a problem. I just finished reading a book by Tucker Max called “I hope they serve beer in hell” and I realize that I’m close but not exactly like every other woman that he spent time fucking in his life thus far.
I’m the same, because I have learned that I can fuck without knowing a person’s last name.
I am different, because after, I do not blame the occasion on them, rather I try to learn how to beat the man to the punch next time.
What the hell.
I am still not a whore, I just no longer believe in love, and I think that this has come around in the last year or so.
Why, you ask? Well, simply put, it’s not worth it. I spend half my time blaming myself for having sex because a bunch of people told me that it’s unacceptable. Well, screw all you too. Guess what? I don’t care and haven’t for a while. I get it. You think it’s wrong. Well, I don’t.
So, that makes me different then the women.
But I’m still female and therefore like the fuck, but I also like a bit of stability and ass when I want it, knowing that it’s not being tapped by some other woman, when I want it.
Do you know what I want? A man who upfront says:
“Look. I don’t want a relationship of any kind. I’m looking for a fuckbuddy for a week. That’s all. The end.”
I’m sorry, I never learned the finer nuances of being female, like reading minds or understanding shit like that. Just be intelligent. Don’t fuck with my head. Don’t piss me off and say nice things. Fuck, talk like normal people, leave. The end. No pretense, no precursor, no falseties.
Furthermore, any man who does not come right out and say this is asking for trouble because I will assume that if it is not stated, then the male is open for assumption that I will fall for him at some point.
He whose nickname I cannot recall said: I want a fuckbuddy.
I said: Okay.
I started to fall for him; I removed myself immediately from his presence because I knew I wouldn’t win. I did not spend a week or two or three fawning over him. I gave up.
I’m alpha, not retarded. Chasing after impossible things is like a dog chasing his tail. And I know I’m not good enough to read people, so I’ll just be smart and start asking upfront, from now on. And I hope to the Gods of all that is real, that men do not get the wrong idea. Because truthfully, if I am sleeping with you, chances are I have so far deemed you as worthy and it is physically possible that I will, indeed, take more interest in you in the future. It takes a very short line to trip the warning switch though, so I'm not saying that saying right off that you're looking for a relationship is going to work.

July 28, 2008

So, I have absolutely no idea how to act in any sort of relationship. Now, I don't mean that I only can't relate in the position of g/f, but even to just have a fuckbuddy or a potential boyfriend material, I can't be anything like I'm supposed to be. I just don't know how to. It's not in my range of extensive personalities, apparently.
I wish I could take a class. I mean, I have an utter tendency to be too obnoxious. Usually I'm a pretty deadpanned serious person when I say something. I'm not good at being subtle. Never.
Damnit.
I'll work on that. Subtlety. Definitely. Either that or I'll just keep on being obnoxious and find someone who can deal with it.
This is why I would never make a good doctor. I just don't have bedside manner-or any sort of useful emotion, for that matter- to deal with other people. Empathy, I think it's called? Just doesn't happen. It's not my problem that so-and-so can't get over themselves long enough to admit that I'm better; and I can't admit when someone else is better so I run myself into the ground to get better. I like winning. I like being in the spotlight. I like being better.

And it's me.

July 27, 2008

So, not that anyone but me cares, I think I destroyed the thing that was going on with Prop. If not destroyed, I just injured it. I think I may have pulled a rugby faux pas.
Which sounds stupid, but I didn't really think about it since I don't ever come down with this particular malady.

As you may or may not know, drinking after rugby is kind of like... taking your shinpads off after soccer. It just happens, inevitably. Thank Gods for us ruggers, we don't have shin pads. That means that surely, positively, we have to find something to make up for that horrid notion, so we turned to alcohol.
Now, I have been a good, little, innocent rugby player and not drank after a game.
Unfortunately, Prop decided that he was going out with his team after his game yesterday. Perfectly understandable, as I did exactly the same thing.
He drank. Loads, and from what I hear, they did it all night.

I called him today. I thought that calling him, however, at seven in the EVENING would be okay, since it is well after a certain time.
He didn't seem pleased.

So, now I know that for future reference, the DAY AFTER call is thereby illegal and shall be avoided. Perhaps I shall learn more rules as I travel with Trent U's Varsity Rugby Team (That I am on--woot!).
Still, I'm not gonna put me down, because I didn't know, and personally, drinking into the wee hours makes me get up faster in the morning. I can't sleep on a drunk stomach. hahaha.

Oh, also, thought of the day: I don't think that the men I actually get along with are looking for the dumb blonde that I became in Hill Park. I think they would like me better if I was... intelligent and able to hold conversations. Prop's really intelligent, and I like it, but acting like a dumbass because I totally have put off keeping up with technology is NOT an attractive thing.
I don't like it at all. I think I'm going to start developing intelligence again. I liked me better when I knew more than everyone else.

July 26 2008

I played lock today, in the scrums in my Senior B rugby game. That was interesting. I've never really paid attention to what they do, but now that I have played that position, I feel sorry for any of them who don't tape their ears or have a head-helmet thing. I mean, all of the above looks horrific, but damn! You know what, I think I have broken my ears off. Literally. They cracked. If you thought spring-loaded, cartilege-shattering ear piercing guns are bad, then you need to look at a poor, poor lock position.
And I only played lock for the second half. The first half I played flanker. It was cool. I finally picked up that tackling thing. I seem to have been avoiding it all year. *cough, cough *:D Hahaha, I just got sick of losing every friggen kick because none of my team moved up fast enough.

Still, fun game, loved it. Got a few bruises. Stoney Creek A's beat Hamilton in the game at Hamilton at the same time that the B team played. (Yes!!! Get them!)

So, I have an honest admission to make. I really liked Chakiz, would have killed for him. Then I met this new guy, a Prop who played for McMaster. I'm into him, now. I seem to float from mano-a-mano. Makes me seem kinda like a Hooker (hahaha, rugby joke. that's the guy that stands in the middle of the front row and 'hooks' the ball with her feet. Hence: hooker.)
But anyway, this guy's not what I ever thought I'd look at like he was amazing or anything, but he actually is not only a rugby player, but he also reads books, listens to music I don't have to adjust to, AND has University education.

It's like, perfection in a bottle.
*sigh* Besides that, some of his ideas are a little skewed. I don't know, but I think it may be a rugby player-kinda thing.
But he's a gemini. Which, as I just looked up in my numerous tomes of knowledge, are a really good match for an aquarius (which I am) because both are intelligent, witty, conversational, social, and both are less emotional in a relationship. Further, as bedmates, they're both willing to experiment... *cough, cough* really? Tee heee.... I think I already knew that. *cough*.
Wow. I think he might actually be a good Gemini. He actually seems to betray his sign, now that I'm reading it. He's got a very paralell view to it.
Noice.

Now, what to do about Chakiz, who comes home in a week?'

July 24, 2008

Guess what! I'm on the Trent U Varsity Rugby team! WooT! Training Camp is on the twenty-sixth of August. I will be leaving at that time, and I will not return till I choose to. :)
That's right, an emoticon in my blog. I'm so excited. It's going to cost me a billion dollars in Varsity wear but DAMN! I will finally be on the team! Woot!
I'm so excited. I want to go now. Hahahahahahahahaha... Let's just hope I get good enough to earn field time. :D Still, even if I don't, it's okay. I'll be in it like fleas on a dog.
Buwauauahahahaha.
Man, I love rugby. One good thing that came out of Hill Park was the rugby team and me wanting to join it. Thanks, HP, for doing that, I'm particularly interested.

July 23, 2008

Recently I met a new acquaintace, shall we say? Aah, rugby functions are always big drunken brawls of fun-ness.
Anyway, so I was talking to him the other day, and we got on to the discussion of cult classics and how only the eighties made damn good movies. I mean, we have okay ones now, but how many times can you watch Wall-e without wishing your eyes would burn up, or the Devil Wears Prada without wishing you could drink drain-o and not have a terrible conscience in the afterlife?
Anyway, so after this discussion, I realized just how long it's been since I've last seen the Evil Dead series. In short order, I collected up the first film to watch it late, late at night when I clearly have nothing better to do with my time.
And I love it. The one thing I know for sure is that I will never give Bruce Campbell the rights to my Ikea bookshelves. Those are deadly, and if he's having problems with the ones that are already made... I'd end up with him glued in somewhere.

Best part ever: "You will die! Like the others before you; one by one we will take you! (aargh)"
*Stabbity stab stab* ..."Of LEAD POISONING! Muahahahahahahaa!"

Then, there's some horrendous fight scene with loads of throwing people and such, and Bruce Campbell gets stuck under an empty, backless bookshelf, and then mr. boyscout who seems to have never gotten his "trap and secure zombified evil demons in basements" badge, chains the demon into the basement with a whole HEAD'S SPACE so that it can clearly see out. Even evil demons need their light. I mean, she could have been claustrophobic.

At least he cared.

Silly Bruce Campbell just put his girlfriend to bed and let her sleep by herself all alone. Great guy he is.

And damn! I wish my nails were that lethal. Who knew they could pierce right through to the achilles tendon? And facial everythings? And cause such damage? Damn! I'm impressed, and I want the name of their manicurist.

I guess that's why they made the rest of the movies jokes, eh? 'Cause there's so much awesomeness in this one that they just had to keep it up! Seriously, I totally got my kicks in this. It's just that awesome. I love it. I think that everyone needs to see this sometime in their life, to laugh loudly at it at very least.

Seriously. It's awesome.

July 20 2008

Yesterday I went to the pig roast with the Stoney Creek RFC.
And Holy Cow! I haven't seen so many people drinking so much in such a short time. I mean, DAMN! They were insane. I only stayed till about one thirty, if that. There were people who just camped out there all night, and it was... Sincerely amazing. Let me tell you. Whew!
But you know what? I am constantly faced with the reasoning behind why I like rugby so much, and this was no exception. I'm one of those people who's really open. When someone asks me to tell them a secret that no one knows, I can't. I don't have them. Everyone I know knows everything about me. Or everyone knows something about me. I'm pretty obvious in my transparency. I don't keep secrets. And I'll tell you what I'm thinking regardless what it is, as long as it suits my interests in that moment.
Usually it does.
And so do most of the other rugby players. The girls, the guys, all of them are so damn open and likely to talk to others, regardless. There's a girl on my team who has much more experience since she's been in rugby way longer. She was telling Silver and I about stuff, it was awesome. I learned a lot. Like, why I belong in rugby, even if I think that I suck sometimes. I mean, all I have to do is practice my ass off, and I'll be okay. And I think I'm sticking to flanker, even though I'd like to play hooker. It seems like something I'd enjoy. But I definitely LOVE flanking. It's like... *sigh* All tackles and no standing makes Nifty sore, but so very, very happy. :D
Anyway, other than that, the sexuality of these people actually rivals mine. I'm pretty sure a few people got laid last night, and I don't know how much the alcohol had to do with that. Oh, that's another thing I belong there for, is the alcoholic intake. It actually gets close to my intake. Okay, who am I kidding? These people drink like friggen fish! Like, I've never seen so much imbibed since Chakiz, Silver and I had that random drinking session at my house where we pooled alcohol and mixed everything. Let's see... We had:
Tequila Rose
Sour Puss-Red and Grape
Jägermeister (with Red Bull, of course, thereby solidifying the chances of all Hell breaking loose)
Fireball Whiskey
Peach Scnapps
Cherry Schnapps

Hells, I'm sure there was more... I just can't remember. I do, however, know that it reminded me VERY nicely of a bar on my table while we were drinking.
I definitely think that it was the mixture of both tequila rose and Fireball Whiskey that made me spew my intestines all over the bathroom walls at nine-thirty at night. Yeah, we drank really, really heavily.
That's was interesting.
I learned that puking after alcohol is like nothing you'll ever experience otherwise. I mean, a hangover sucks, it sucks balls, but you can pop some aspirin, or shoot some more vodka and you're fine. Puking, is ike, oh crap! I feel like... yep. *insert puking scene* Damn! There was no controlling that one.
Aah!

:D Still, good experience. I learned that I absolutely CANNOT outdrink a guy who's six-foot-plus a few, two hundred pounds and who drinks like a rugby player.
Anyway, about this related pig roast: It was the awesomest experience of my life so far. 'Cept for maybe sex... That's occasionally good, too. And it happens more often, that's for sure.

July 17 2008

Hm. So, Chakiz is into me after all. Why do we inflict self doubt? I think that my half-year resolution will be to cleanse that stupid self-doubt from me. It makes me a horrid person. I feel crappy and I act like a bitch when I'm doubting me and myself, and then I look dumb when I tell the guy that I kinda missed him after all, even though it was all...
I dunno.
Man, I have a messed up head. I need to stop thinking so much.
Seriously. I just told someone to stop thinking so much yesterday. Pitcher, in fact, was who I told. I think I need to stop that. Practice what you preach, as they say.
I mean, I can't help but think, but I can cut back on the amount that I hate myself and doubt my abilities and my first thought.
You know why I'm like this? Because I had to do it with Backcatcher. Always. I used to be happy, before I met him. I was a bubbly person. I'm still bubbly on the outside, but wracked with doubt on the inside. Then again, I'm blaming it on him. It wasn't only him. I also had a tendency to be too naive, and eventually it caught up. To counter-mix the naievety I have to be really doubtful. That's why I'm always warring with my other voice, I think. That's why I don't get along with me for large amounts of time. Gah.
Man, I am seriously messed up.
So, my new thing: I will not doubt myself.

July 16, 2008

Is honor too much to ask in a relationship? With anyone, seriously?

Sometimes, I wish that time travel were possible for me, so that I could move from this time to another time where honour and truth meant something. Not only that, I wish I could find a time where freedom and respect went hand in hand. I wish I could transfer myself to a dimension where storybook romances existed. I hate reality. It's no wonder I spend all my time reading. It's because today's reality isn't worth its existence.
Disgusting.

July 14, 2008

So, I've been really, really angry lately. I snap at everyone and anything that moves, I hate people and things, and I complain. All the time. More than usual. I'm starting to get angry with myself for being so angry all the time.
And then I realized why...

I'm sexually frustrated. I have never been frustrated for this reason before.
Ever. Seriously.

I can't even do anything to help myself out. I've tried, and it only makes it worse. I don't want to go find a diferent man, either. I can't. I tried. Not interested in the least bit, to tell you the truth. I have three or four guys... (hmm... lets see... three if you don't count the one who's trying to play me 'cause he still has a gf) who are all sitting around trying to get me to do stuff... and I can't. I just can't, and when I do, it's just... "Wow. This is boring. Heh. Kinda, like, meh. Wow. This sucks. Let's go see if I can stare a wall into oblivion."
Seriously. I have to actively think about flirting, and even then it sucks.

I haven't been this obsessed with a guy since backcatcher, my first real bf. And that took two or three years to get over. It was a while. Granted, this guy's a cooler guy, and he's nicer, and he's waaaaayyy more honourable, but damn! It makes me all the more confused as to why he's still single.
And that fact is why I'm so damn frustrated. No one else I've met since I met him has lived up to his whole self. Hell, none have even matched up a section of his personality. They just don't make 'em like this guy's made. But, damned if I don't spend every day thinking about him. All the time. And it frustrates the hell out of me, because I'm not a forward person once I've learned them. And I'm afraid that if I open up, he'll be like "pfft" and blow me off. Or, worse, will feel guilty or something like that for making me feel like this.
I'm so weirded. A girl at work said I should make him cookies. It's a brilliant idea, because he's an eater. But... I don't want to have to coax him. I want him to want me.
Haha, Cheap Trick song.
"I want you to want me,
I need you to need me;
I want you to want me,
I need you to need me..."

Also related:
"For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder"
-Hey Jude, The Beatles.

Because that's what I did... I acted all cold and uncaring, because that's how I am with guys who don't want to go anywhere, but sometimes I wonder if I just didn't make everything worse for myself by doing it. I mean, I hate scenes since that first bf breakup which was a huge scene... and I'll never do it again. I think I made a pact with myself that I will be the one who comes out on top when the guy or I decides it's over. Since backcatcher, I haven't really made a scene. A few tears quietly shed once I've left, and I'm good. But, damn it if I don't just act like a statue, and maintain body distance.
When he left on that last day, I just wanted to touch him or kiss him... I think I'm terrified of making a fool of myself, though. We did hug, but... I don't know. I just wanted more than that. I mean, we did go camping together. Just us. Alone. For nearly four days.

Gah.

I think I really miss him. I hope he feels something for me. Enough to avoid his band for a day once he gets back and to spend some time with me.

Is it too much to hope for? Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Maybe. I don't know. I can't know. I'll just have to make a fool of myself, I guess, because I'd rather know that he wants nothing to do with me then not. I mean, at least if I know he doesn't want to see me anymore, it won't be this horrid limbo that I'm in right now:
"does he even think about me?" "Will he even know me?"
"Will he care enough to listen?" "What if... he doesn't like me?" "What if I was just rebound?" "What if, what if, what if..." (It's horrid to write this, because it means I am insecure after all. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Plus, I don't think he'd forget me, it's only a month. Only.)

Anyway, I'm sexually frustrated, and if you have a problem with it, sue me. I'll go jump his bones and then be happy for another month. Once more at the end of the summer when he gets back again and I'll be pleased.
Or I can just kind of hope he doesn't go away in August... It's a plausible hope. Kinda sucks for him, then, but I'll be selfish in my own blog (as well as truthful) and say that I really, really miss him and hope he doesn't go away again.
I want him to stay, I want him to be with me, and I want him to like it. I would probably travel back to my city every weekend from school just to spend a few nights with him. Hell, I'd come and get him, drive him to my dorm, and drive him home every weekend if it meant he'd stay with me.

Hell. I hate this uncertainty thing. It's not really good for my heart, I'm sure. If I have a heart attack, blame Chakiz.

July 12, 2008

So, I am waiting patiently. So far I've only been uber frustrated for, like a week. I've been attending rugby lately so I haven't worried so much about being apprehensive about Chakiz as I do about being exhausted.
Sometimes, I wonder why people are the way we are. I think it'd be cool to find a perfect mate who wants permanence, and then I think that it's silly because that's my imperfect, which is silly because then even if I had him and he was perfect, he would piss me off so well that I'd stop talking to him.

I miss him. NOt to tears like before, but I miss having him around. I talk about him all the time, and everyone in my friend circle that doesn't already know him wants to.

I got a sunburn while I was playing watergirl at rugby today. I'm going to a pig roast with rugby on the nineteenth. On the eighteenth there's an orientation day at Trent U for first years to learn how to pick classes.
I'm so tired, I"m lying down to write this and have already closed my eyes.
And when I close my eyes, male characters in romances change for me, and I'm currently trying to upgrade my two lovers for Zach De Masion's story. It's a good one, but kinda shaky because it changes so much.
THat's all. 'Night.

July 9, 2008

All I want is to curl up with him, lie next to him, and cuddle. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, 'cause he's out in the middle of nowhere town carrying a gun around-for fun-surrounded by all those chicks who think it's cool to be in the reserves... What did I do so wrong that everything gets messed up now?

Did I kill someone in a past life? Maybe I was an adulterer. That would definitely be a reason that seems plausible, considering my crappy ability to meet or keep a reasonable lover for very long.

And all the ones I actually like are married, gay, or in the army and away for the summer.

July 8, 2008

Yesterday I went to rugby. That was nice. I think I hardly fit in with the people at rugby because I WORK SO GODDAMNED BAD HOURS!
And this comes in here: I'm quitting. I love working for GT, but I just can't. I hate applying for new jobs even though chances are that I will get whatever I apply for, but I hate it. I hate moving to a new place and starting all over again.

And I'm doing this for rugby and for a play.

Great.

July 5, 2008

So, today I was trying my hand at recreating dishes from Chakiz's house-and I sort of prevailed. I made refried beans which I actually call black-bean spread, since that's technically what it's called.

And I'll be damned if it didn't taste good! Not as good as the pro-kind that Rudy's mum makes, but that's to be expected; I never was taught how to do it, and I didn't have a recipe, I was working from memory of the three seconds Chakiz took to tell me how to make them before ushering me into the tent while we were camping.

I made them, though. :D Now I can have bean spread even if he never wants to see me again. I just wasn't expecting all the mess it made!

Speaking of Chakiz, I made a realization today. I don't want to be done with him. I haven't made a single pass at any guy since I started with him. I have no interest in other men. They just don't live up to Chakiz. I don't know.

It could be caused by his being so standard towards me; it could be because he just didn't care one way or the other what I felt or wanted. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment and only like guys who don't give a damn about me.

Shit. I hope to hell not, because this could be a looooonng lifetime for me.

Still, secretly, in the back of my mind, I wish that he does think of me once in a while, even though the more rational side of me takes over and says "you know you're setting yourself up to get hurt, right? He did say that he just wanted to enjoy the time before he left, and to 'see what happened' from there."

But then my stupid romantic side says "but maybe..." And then I spend two hours crying because I just don't know. I hate it.

I think he's going to be hard to beat though, if he beat Kizisini.

And he did. Ohhh, did he ever. Kiz never let me touch his guitar, and Chakiz didn't mind, in fact he taught me chords on his guitar.

This is going to sound stupid, and I'd hate to believe it could never be possible, but I really want him to call me when he gets back... I want to know if he cares at all for me the way I think I might care for him.

And then, says my stricter, rational me:"You know, if you say that and hope for it, he'll come back, party for a week with his band like he repeatedly said he was going to, and then he'll leave again without even saying a word to you, and you'll spend all summer ignoring other boys just to be with someone who doesn't even think twice about you in a summertime. You'll be crushed, you know."

I fucking hate my rational side. I hate it for what it is and what it makes me feel. I hate that I can't hope for ten minutes without breaking into a bout of tears because of it.

"Shut the hell up, rational side. You know nothing about humans, do you?"

Gods. I hate being human.

July 4, 2008

So, I'm supposed to be emptying my bookshelf. Silver's already half packed to go to school, it's only July, but I should probably be following her example so that I'm not all rushed in August. Besides, she knows what she's doing.

I'm missing my most recent man-friend who went away to reserves camp, and now I'm just kind of single and floating--which, you'd think it would be easier to pick up guys being me, but, alas; not.
I think Silver and I learned not to try to pick up guys at bars. Number closes are really hard to get from guys. It should be the next big game show. Female PUAs try to get numbers. Even though technically silver and I aren't PUAs... Okay, more then technically. It just isn't going to happen. I think we're too normal for that. But I do employ some of the insane brain manouvering that men employ... I call it "stupidity".

Hahahahaa. Joking. Sorry to offend. I just thought it was kind of funny. Anyway, I think that I have given up on actually believing that I might meet someone who wants to be sober and hang out in and for the next two months, and I have limited myself to admitting that I am going to wait till I go away to make it serious. Which is actually what I want, believe it or not.

So, now I have to go clean my bookshelf off...
See you later!