February 25 2008

Okay, so I'm in a dilemma. A dilemma-ous spot. Yes.
I've been accepted to Brock U.
I was also accepted to Trent U.

And I don't know where to go now. I like both programs.
I like both schools. So now, to decide, I'll do a pro/con list.

Not right now, of course, because I have a problem doing that since I haven't got one worked out. But there will most definitely be more than one entry today, as I think about Pro/Cons. And probably more as I go along. And then, I shall choose on a fifty fifty of (pro/con) vs. (because I want to).

February 23 2008

Okay, I just had the longest, freakiest dream since I stopped dating Backcatcher. I just dreamed that he showed up at my grandma's house, told me he was single, and we just jumped right back into a relationsip. And I woke up tired, unhappy, and freaked out.
I haven't dreamt about him in so long, you don't even know. It's so scary. I have to go to work, I just wanted to get this down, but... Then I was like, that was weird. It was long, and so much went on that I had to check out if he was single... Then when I signed into msn, this is the horoscope that came up:
Aquarius
January 20 - February 17Your natural psychic abilities may be short-circuited today, dear Aquarius. If you give readings, try to avoid doing any today. Interference from the minds of people other than your clients could cloud the issue, and this won't do anyone any good. Your imaginative faculties could be rather garbled as well. The best possible advice: take the day for yourself and go for a massage! You can go back to your routine tomorrow.

Now, isn't that interesting? So I'll check later, and report back here, but otherwise...what a dream! It wasn't even that sexual or anything, it was just... we were together, and we talked, and we walked around, and we talked to other people, and he was just there.
I didn't even know I wanted a relationship with him, in fact, I pretty much have no interest in him anymore... he's not my type. But that was weird. Maybe I'm just starved for affection and relationship status, maybe it's time I meet a new guy and date.

February 20, 2008

So, I totally wrote up this whole blog about how I got accepted into Trent U. And then Blogger wouldn't post it. So I wrote it on dA instead. Too bad. But, yeah, I did get accepted.
Furthermore, I've been realizing more and more how much of a nerd I can be. There was this one day that we were sitting at a caf table during lunch, (there were six of us). Of the six people, four were reading novels thick enough to give a football player a black eye (but not a rugby player, because we eat bananas). The two remaining people, both guys, were trying to hack the wi-fi for the school.
Nice. Then, today, while I was eating salad, pancakes and drinking mint tea after work at ten thirty at night, I ran into a quote in the pure romance novel that I was reading while eating. (So, I've been a little low on male company for the last... oh, three or four months now. What's your point?) Anyway, here's the quote:
"Each movement was strangely deliberate-from soap to water to the rub, methodical and familiar-and Dela wondered if it was not part of some ritual, a coping mechanism. Washing his hands clean of the night." This is in relationship for the five guys he just helped murder to protect the heroine, Dela.
Now, the first thing that I thought after I read this was: "huh. Kind of like Lady Macbeth, eh? With the crazy sleep-washing episodes, except Artur is awake."
The second thing was "Holy hell, I just linked a dirty romance novel to Macbeth!"
Currently, I'm thinking that Shakespeare's rolling over in his grave. Well, maybe not, since half the crap he wrote was dirty, dimestore and very sexually driven. Eg: "Maiden's heads" does not refer to a skull covered by hair and skin. Eg: The entire play of A Midsummer Night's Dream.
Okay, so maybe Shakespeare and Smut novels aren't all that much different...

February 12, 2008

Wow. I was just doing my homework... Damn right, I said homework. I actually work on school stuff outside of school... impossible, non?

Anyway, I think I'm getting art-ed out... Or, maybe my hand's just tired and my brain's done thinking... either way, I know that it's too much thinking for me. So I'm taking a break.

You know it's time to take a break from work when your brain starts to look at romance story lines and your body follows suit.

Hell.

I think that this is one of the reasons I need University to hurry it's damn self up. I love being single, but I hate being single sometimes. I just don't like not having someone to be with when I feel like having them. So, maybe I was a sailor in one past life, but in a different one I was a countess who had men at her disposal.

Actually, I feel kind of like a werewolf. I don't want to be around anyone else, I want to be alone, yet here I sit longing for someone, so much so that FB started coming to mind again. I don't want to be with him in any dating sense, I just want to know what he's up to (And if his bed's cold).

But it has nothing to do with him, because then I think about this character that I invented, and I think nearly the same thing for my main female character. Man, I need some supreme cuddle time at school. I love my non-single friends. They're pretty awesome. They were pretty interested in hugging me all the time, and I like that. I like knowing that nothing could ever happen between us, but that it's okay to be all cuddly. Actually, there's two guys in particular that I feel particularly open to. It's not usual that I find two guys to be close to. And I mean it. I would totally be able to sleep with these guys and just enjoy it. I'm not saying that it'll ever happen, but I like the fact that it could happen.

Wow. Talk about openness. Oh well, it's my blog. I'm just feeling lonely.

Someone needs to write a book about relationships in singledom. :D If I knew anything, I'd write one.

The only thing is, I don't want to get into a relationship with someone random, because they don't get me, they don't know what I want from it. I don't want to be serious. I don't want to wake up every single day and dote on them. I want to dote on me. I want to be selfish. I want to have what I want, when I want... but I also don't want a grab and go sandwich, if you know what I mean. I want someone who will be there when I need them to be, physically or emotionally, and who knows when to stay away from me, because I don't like being attached at the hip. In fact, I can't stand it. I hate it. It's so... frustrating, to have to talk to someone about every little thing that you think, and they just don't get it half the time, because they're not in your head.

That's what I want.

I want someone who can get in my head, so we can play debates, have hot monkey sex, debate some more while we're eating, have another romp, and then roll over and go to sleep.

Oh, boy. I want perfection. 'Cause that's likely to be found.

*sigh.* I really did sigh out loud there.

I'm so hard to please.

But if you think you fit the bill, definitely call me, or just jump me, or something like that. I'd be happy either way.

Other than that, I think also that I'm all thought out, and that I need to get a shower, a nice, meditative, self-cleansing shower. Yes. So, good night, I'm off for the night, I hope.

February 11, 2008

Wow, it's been so long since I blogged anything, it's just been that I've been doing so many other things... For instance: it was my b-day party and I got the coolest stuff... a clarinet, the rocky horror picture show record, a bunch of canvases to paint on, and a sweet little personalizable TML CD case... Rockin'.

Anyway, so I've also started classes, which makes it difficult to get other things done, because those classes come with homework.

Then, I also spend all my time on the computer, writing stories and such.

Anyway, to keep you up to speed, I just applied to all of the school's varsity women's rugby teams. I don't know if I'll make them, but I applied.

So there. And that was all.

Oh, and by my reccomendation, listen to some Flogging Molly. It's good music. Very cool. I accidentally happened upon it one day and it just is perfect for everything. Yay!

February 6, 2008

Two days since my birthday, and I still haven't drank. Anything. Damn.

That doesn't really bother me, though. What bothers me is that I consistently think of men, and well, what I've been missing since I destroyed my last relationship with a guy. But it's not like I want the relationship back, in fact I'm much happier now that I'm single; I really do think that I'm meant to be single, or that the next mate I find will be permanent, because I'm just not playing around anymore. I don't care. It's not worth my time to fool around in year-and-several months-relationships.

*Whatever happened to men who took what they wanted, whether the woman wanted it or just secretly wanted it while saying 'no' the whole while? Did they all venture to another planet? If so, I'm leaving Earth.*

So, I really need to find my mate. I'm sick of just talking. I want to find said mate.

I think this subject is done. I'm bored with it now.

On the plus side, Rugby season's coming soon, and then I won't have time to do anything else anyway, except for admire my butt and enjoy the puking feeling while practising my ass off... literally.

Just one more reason to adore rugby. Ignore the fact that half of them are very likely nearing thirty... or forty. They still all have very nice physiques.

February 4, 2008

So, today's my b-day. And, since I'm nineteen, I'll tell you all nineteen things I'll bet that you didn't know about me. Keep count on the ones you did know, and make a comment, then we'll see who knows me best.

1. I am an ex-cheerleader.
2. I used to have pink hair.
3. I won the French award in grade 8 for the highest marks in the grade.
4. I believe that I've seen my soul mate in dreams. And everyone wonders why I'm obsessed with Greece and Rome. It's because he's Greek or Roman.
5. My favourite stories to read are romances, which are so predictable, but so good when you don't get any loving. Or when you do. Or when you're just in the mood for perfection.
6. I am obsessed with zodiac signs and really believe in them, mostly.
7. I have a tattoo of my zodiac sign on my right, back shoulder.
8. It is of my zodiac sign, aquarius, and it is blue.
9. I am obsessed with my abs. Every other part of me could be gross, but my abs are good, and so am I.
10. Therefore, I enjoy bikinis. My favourite bathing suit is a blue halter top, which, incidentally, is ruined from wearing it to Supie.
11. I was a Supie for three years at three different parks, and therefore know the majority of kids around my city.
12. I actually care that Heath Ledger is dead. He was a good looking man. //edit: DAMN good looking//.
13. The first thing I notice about a guy is how competitive he is. The more competitive, the more interested I am in debating on every.little.thing. with him. The more I debate, the more I fall for him. If I don't fight with a guy over everything, I don't care enough to get into it.
14. I sleep for a long time. I need that sleep, or I wake up super hyper-ly, and then my nerves fray very quickly so that by lunch, I'm pissed off at everything.
15. When I think, I think in very logical terms. Everything has logic, even if it seems stupid. Seriously. I over think everything, to a tee.
16. I've mellowed out since I turned 16. If I'm this annoying now, think of how bad I was before. Really. I was annoying as hell.
17. I have had strep throat twice, due to it transferring from me, to pitcher, and back to me. But mine was worse. I swear.
18. Usually, the more ballsy I act, the more I'm terrified inside. If I'm being all aloof and smooth and sharp-witted, I'm completely nervous, and that's the only way to stop it from showing, so that's what I do.
19. (The last one!) I am a complete attention hog, completely obsessed with myself, and I am really vain. My idea of beauty may not parallel everyone else's, but I always look exactly the way I want to look, sexy or not. It's always a purposeful look. Always. Everything I do is set up for some form of attention. Always. It's like a rule of thumb. I. Love. Attention.


And there you have it, folks! All you ever wanted to know about me.

**technically this is an hour early, but I'll very likely end up drinking tomorrow. Yay Age of Majority!

February 2, 2008

So, I look like I'm , like, fourteen. Yeah. It's a sad truth. I think that's half the reason that I've done what I've done. I mean, it's not like I've murdered anyone, but personally, I hate it when someone looks at me and says: Aw, aren't you the cute little one who's probably amazing in school. At the same time, I like it. I can't help it. It's flattering. I just got it so much, that it's not funny anymore.
But I can't fix it. My Grandma and I have the same taste. It's not even like it was my mum's fault, 'cause she wears stuff I wouldn't. But then, I have days where I'm like... hey. I'm sick of this. I'm going to go make out with someone. Luckily it's rarely difficult to find someone. But, like I said, I look young enough that it's kind of sad. And I know that my makeup and stuff doesn't help, since I wear a heck of a lot of pinks. And my hair is nearly always not-so-sexy. And yet guys still have irrational complexes based on me. Whatever! Not cool.
Anywho, I hate it sometimes. Sometimes it's easy, and sometimes I just love being young, because you get away with a whole lot more. But sometimes, okay, most times, real men, older men, are hard to come across. Well, I can't help that I look young. I was naturally gifted with it, And then it just came from a natural tendency to wear significantly baggy clothes. So? Point? Can't I like not being naked?

January 31, 2008.

So, this morning I avoided going to school to retrieve my semester's marks. They'll send them to me anyway, so there's no real point in wasting my time.

And here I am, writing my blog. And do you know what I think? I think that I wonder why relationships are so important to people, and then still ache for one so much that it makes me want to move. The only thing is, that what I want is damn near impossible, because every time I get in to a relationship, I think that as much fun as I'm having, there's something that's just not quite right. I mean, I really don't think that I'm cut out for it, because in the end I'll just give up and destroy it anyway. It's not like I've had a bad influence; my parents are still together, my grandparents are too; my uncles and aunts all are, with the exception of one, but he's kind of like me, or vica versa, I think... Take a good thing, have it ruined; have another good thing and ruin it... You know the drill.

So, why do I do this for myself? I like to think it's because I'll settle for no less than perfection, and a single happy moment isn't good enough for me.

But, I can't help but thinking of all those romances, where people travel through time, adversity, even death to come back to their soul mate.

Don't laugh. Yes, I believe that there is one person who is meant for one other person, because I am a hopeless romantic on the inside. That said, I also hate a guy who's so mushy that it's not funny. But the little things, that aren't just based on fake stuff, and idealistic notions, but who really do care, those little things are the things I remember. Once, an ex knew I was really angry that I had to work and we couldn't see each other, and I felt really gross that day. So, at eleven thirty, he had his mom drive him all the way to my house to see me. For fifteen minutes, and that was all. But it was the thought, right, that he cared enough to come see me.

And, I think that a guy who does the little things and notices the little things, and doesn't stick to the really obvious "dinner and a movie" type relationship, is the best kind. Even if he doesn't do the big things, if the little things are noticed, I'm taken with him immediately. Then again, if it's a scam, I notice too, and that ends quickly. Sure enough, though, I believe it's a horrible downfall for having owned a small library of romance novels and falling in love with the idea of a perfect relationship.

How I wish I could be introduced to the past when everything was so much easier.

You were born, you were betrothed, and then you were married at fourteen. Dead by thirty and life was easy. Well, if you were rich and good looking.

I'm not saying my life is hard, I'm just saying that you didn't really have a choice so you never knew what you were missing. You couldn't really compare, because you never got the chance. If only it worked like that. Then again, I wouldn't be me, if it were any other way, and I'd probably get sick of being beaten for being impudent, which is my middle name.

Bwahahaha, I used a big word!

Impudence: @ http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/impudence

There's the lesson for the day.

Anyway, I just wonder why we have such horrible times in love. Not just me. In fact, this was spurred on by a friend who is debating his relationship with his girlfriend. It spurred me into thinking that maybe, just maybe, some people are happy with what they have because either a) they've found their perfection or b)they are too lazy to go out and look for it.

Perhaps everyone in the western civilization is a little bit jaded, because even our poor aren't all that poor, if they don't want to be. Maybe that's all I am, is jaded. But then, no. I want a guy who's good looking, and I want him to be that gorgeous, well-intending, educated man who's busy but always thinking of me.

Like this guy. He seems rather interested with his girlfriend, right? Dark, rugged, handsome, and... ripped. :D No more settling for slightly less than perfect for me. It's time I looked for that greek guy I fantasize about all the time. I can't have just made him up, right?

January 25, 2008.

Holy Crap! This person search is driving me UP THE FRIGGEN WALL! Apparently, some people just stop existing. I mean, we live in a city where I worked with a girl who's dad works with my dad, and I've met her before.


*blink, blink*.


And I can't find an ex, who should be simple to locate. The nutzo thing is, I found his BROTHER! I just can't find him.


Now, let's think. I have his phone number, but I want to do reconnaisance before stepping into something that seems a little brash, you know? I mean "Yeah, I knew you, I made you dump me, I was a total (insert any number of nasty names here) to you, but yeah, I've changed and I'd like to catch up, get a tea and go over old times, you know?" Not all that pleasant. So, I'll just not call him. That could be weird.


*sigh* Why can't I drop this? I hate me. It's just not in me to drop, I guess. Maybe I need closure. Maybe, I need to realize that I take things for granted.





Maybe I need to prove that I'm not a little kid anymore who is rude to everyone just because they want their games back.





Yeah, it seems like I was way, way rude to my exes all the time. Then, I came across my newest ex being slightly short with me. Since I've been there, I get it, but it still sucked. I kind of wish I could just apologize. Well, I could apologize to one, but I don't know how long our conversation would last. see:




Haha. It's sad because it's true. I don't even want to think how bad I would feel about my actions after that one.

Still can't find them. It has been, like, an hour. Okay, maybe a little more than an hour. I found mr. backcatcher on facebook, but I think he looks happy enough without me bugging him. Eventually I'll run into him some day. Then I'll apologize while the silence is already really thick and uncomfortable.

Actually, I find that I don't really think about him any more. I just kind of think of him as... been there, done that. Even people that I used to look at for the personality typing don't really interest me. I think pitcher hit me too hard with the sports thing, and I liked it too much. Now, sitting around isn't my thing, so backcatcher's personality is like beating myself over the head with a spoon. Kinda stupid.
(haha, like that one? I did.)

And, for the new one: First-baseman. He's the latest. Actually, he was sort of rude when I asked him for my stuff back. I planned ahead. I totally gave him most of his stuff before I broke it off, and gave him ample warning. He just chose to ignore it. But it most definitely wasn't sudden.
So, FB(because first baseman takes too long to type out) was kind of rude. Considering all things, I guess it makes sense. It's half the reason that I'm so interested in finding my other exes--to apologize for being a bitch after we broke up. I was a nasty, mean person.

Wow. Epiphany week, right here. So many things I've noticed that I've lost or become since I started dating. I think, I've always been pessimistic, but that's no reason to mope around, and be mean to everyone.
Now, I'll still have bad days, but who's to say that the rest of my days won't be made brighter?
Also, I am a horribly horrible girlfriend. Although, I generally warn the dates that before they are put through to boyfriend status. It is they who choose not to heed my warnings.
I hate playing toadey girlfriend who slobbers for her mate. I am a competitive person, willing to go for a challenge at any point in time, and yet I hold grudges for things said. All. The. Time.
For example, I love rugby. I can't help but talk about it, after all, it's like the next best thing since sliced cheese! So one day, I was remarking on kicking FB's ass in the PS2 game I own, and his rebuttle was: "You aren't even good at rugby!"
Lo, was I stunned. And that was the beginning of the end. I don't think I will ever let that one down. Ever. I don't care. That was just mean.
And that's when I realized he obviously wasn't right for me. Especially since I am not that bad at rugby.
Also, I am athletic. God, I hate that word. It's so... euw. Just euw.
But I can't sit all the time. If it's nice out, I want to be moving, wrestling, swimming... rugby-ing? I want to be out learning new sports and ways to move... and as much as I honestly say I hate basketball, when pitcher attempted to teach me to play, I actually began to learn. And, dare I say it, enjoy it. Volleyball's a hit with me, tennis, badminton, even lawn bowling. I mean, where do I meet all my mates?
A baseball park. Hence the nicknames. They're the positions that the exes are most well noted for in either my Nifty stories or in the actual games...which Nifty stories are very often based on, so they coincide. Anyway, the point is that I meet them all at baseball parks while WE'RE PLAYING SLO-PITCH. Actually, I don't know if I ever played with pitcher. I know we threw the ball around, but I think I met pitcher through backcatcher... and then ended up dating FB who was related to the other two by a team that was an expensive azure-beelzebub team. If you actually caught any of that, I'm impressed, because I'm confused now.
Anyway, the majority of my serious relationships have been with athletic men. Well, supposed athletic men. I meet them through sports, but half of them can't keep up with me.
So, let's see...
in order of interest: i. backcatcher. (He started it, but ended up being really lazy a lot... and ignoring me a lot.) ii. pitcher (Probably the only ex who could kick my ass in any sport, whether he'd played it or not.) iii. *this guy I didn't meet in baseball, and therefore rarely mention him. Still, henceforth, he shall be known as blondie, for his hair, which I still admire freely. Haha, I'm single, I can. Na. Na. Na.* Blondie played all sorts of sports. (He once said he wanted to be a gym teacher. Well... that relationship didn't last long on his request. Wonder why?) iv. FB. (Turned out to want to sit a lot. Fun while it lasted, which was mostly until the winter came the second time around. Oh, and when he said I sucked at rugby.)

There's the proof. They've all stemmed from sports. That's creepy. Only one have I not met through sports. Soooo creepy.

I really need to rethink my life. Why go to bars? I could hit up the men's rugby league! :P

EDIT: IT IS NOW 2:47 AM AND i found pitcher!!! HE WAS ON MYSPACE AND SO I'VE FOUND HIM--YAY! NOW, ONLY TO, ONCE AGAIN, FIGURE OUT HOW IN THE HELL I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY "i'M SORRY".
PAH. gIVE UP ON THAT NOW. i'LL NEVER DO IT, NEVER. BUT HE'S HAPPY, SO I'M GOOD. WOW, THEY BOTH ARE. GOOD FOR THEM! WOOT FOR PERMA-MATE.... WAIT A SEC. BOTH OF THEM FOUND PERMA-MATES AFTER ME... :p SO, THE NEW RULE IS... TO FIND A PERMA-MATE, DATE ME AND THEN BREAK UP WITH ME, AND THE NEXT ONE WILL BE A PERMA. GOT IT? :p MAKES ME SOUND HORRID. THEN AGAIN, MAYBE i AM. LOLZ. GOOD NIGHT ;D

January 24 2008

You know, I want a car, but I don't want just any car... I don't know how to explain it, but I'd rather take a bus than own a car without a personality to match mine. So, then, my mom saw this beetle downtown and it's for sale... and now I want it. I want it and I will have it, I hope. Even if I have to take out a loan, I want this car. It would be so awesome! It suits me, too. :D I think it would do me well. *Sigh* I really hope I get it. I have some money saved up that was supposed to be for school, but I'll have to eventually need to buy a car anyway, so it's okay. And that's what I'll keep telling myself. Yes.
Anyway, that's what's been on my mind since a few days ago... ta ta!

January 23, 2008.

You know, I think I'm nuts. Bonkers. Gone Bananas. I am so serious. I really think that I'm a closet depressed person. I will have a perfectly great set of days, and then one little thought will put me to thinking about a career as an assassin. And goodness knows I could very likely do it while in this mood. But, the part that bothers me is that I never take it out on myself, I always, always take it out on other people. The only thing that I do while I'm in this state is that I become an insomniac, because my thoughts won't let me sleep.
I suppose, though, that I do harm myself, I just don't do it in the normal way, like cutting.
Several times, I've gotten my ears pierced.
More often, I've sabotaged relationships.
Once, I got a tattoo.

So, I guess I'm nuts. I can create numerous characters because they really do exist, in my head. My complex personalities are just an offshoot, of things I want to be, have, believe in.

I'm starting to scare myself now. Maybe I'll just go lie down and wait for the morning to get here, so I can feign normalcy.
The thing is, I don't want to change it, because it is me, and I don't want to lose myself in drugs and therapy. I just want to know why.

January 22, 2008

So, I was totally planning to go camping the May 2-4 weekend.. I don't know which weekend it actually is this year, but I'm frigging going. I don't care if I have to kill people to get there, I'm going. It's not cool that I've missed camping for three years in a row because a)I worked Supie every year, which doesn't give me time to go when my family goes and b)my mother wouldn't let me go because "I wasn't old enough". Apparently, the age of majority isn't good enough. So, I'll be 19 this year, and that means I'm by all means "old enough". I'm also going to bring alcohol, which I wouldn't have last year. I'm also going to go with a few guy friends, because there's no way I'm going to go with a bunch of females, to drink, and thereby get in trouble.I mean, there's going to be girls there, but somehow I see that as being a problem. A huge problem. At least with guys, other guys will be less likely to rape us. We'll all bring tents, and probably rent two campsites side-by-side, if there's space. Hopefully, this will work. I'm not sure the details yet, but I'm going to start doing them soon.
Other than that, not much to update on.

January 17, 2008.

Well, today I realized that I totally screwed up my ENTIRE semester in school by taking that damn math class... I hate math. I can't understand it, and I just realized that. I'm not saying that I'm dull witted, because I can pick up languages like a...parrot... but I don't have the logic for it anymore. I also seem to have lost any wittiness I once had and replaced it with sarcasm and cynicism. Isn't that nice.
That's what life does to a person I suppose. Not that I'm complaining, of course. I wouldn't be me if anything had been different. And I probably wouldn't have realized that I'm such a bitc... (well, you know the rest).

Anyway, so that's okay. I'll pick up where I left off last semester when my new semester starts. I hope I'll like them a little more. They aren't boring. I have two arts, a communications and an english.
I rather enjoy biology, but this semester was not the semester to be doing it. Too much work.
Actually, I learned a lot, I just choose not to do it.

I also realized, that I need to have closer friends, but I don't think that'll happen until I get to university where I can have closer, more like personalities.

By the way, I'm into Classical Languages, I don't know if I said so. I know I went into my school applications, but nothing's come back yet. It's okay, though. Not a big deal.
In fact, I'm thinking it's good, gives me some time to stress... Not that I'm stressing. Worst comes to worse, I don't get accepted and I end up marrying into money. Sounds good.
So, who's got money???

Joking, only joking. Anyway, I can't think that for any particular reason (Other than the few failed courses from this semester) for not letting me in...

Mmm... I want ice cream. And my hair's got really badly split ends. I wonder if that oil VOH or whatever it is stuff works well... My hair's so dead in the winter. And so darn straight.

Well, I gotta go... Eating before work is a good idea.

Besides, that was really all I needed to say.

January 15, 2008

So, I have decided to keep a running blog of what really goes on in my head. No holds barred, nothing left to keep hidden. So here it is.

Today is January 15th. Obviously. That's the title. Right. I just spent three hours trying to transfer all of my files over from the main computer in the house to my personal laptop, something I've been avoiding doing for quite some time, seeing as I knew it would take three hours, and I'd rather spend the three hours doing something more productive, of course. I would much rather have been downloading music by Boney M and Meat Loaf.

Don't get me wrong, I love my files, but I don't really need them to be on my laptop.

And this has nothing to do with what it was that made me want to blog in the first place.
What did happen, was that I have recently ejected myself from the world of couples, happy, secure couples...on purpose. I wanted to. I hate being in a relationship, and having to answer to one person, even if that one person is sooo happy being with me. At the point where I gave in, it was a little over a year and four months, and I was ready to KILL!
And the fact that I realized this, also made me realize that I have forever felt this way, in a relationship. Now, does that mean that I hate committment? Or that I just haven't found the right One? I think it might be a litte of both.
That, and I've realized that spending my life raising children is NOT a lifepath I'd like to take. It would be great, for some people, yes. But not me. I like kids, I want one or two or even three. That's fine. But I can honestly not sit around and do that now.
Personally, I'd like to have a few kids, then ship them off to someone else to look after while I go out and have fun in other countries.
Since I see that as particularily detrimental to a child's health, I also see how it would affect the future of the planet, and thereby understand that it's not high on my priorities list.

Once, I read this article about something to do with if a man was right for you. And it said that the way he treats his mother is the way he'll treat you once you're married. I always kind of ignored it, until at about a year, my ex started being kind of mean, at little points, in the same manner as he would have to his mother.

I now swear by the rule.

I also, am no longer dating him. He had good qualities and bad qualities, but was mostly just...not at the same point in his life as I was. So, I changed, he didn't. The end. Literally.

Also, lately, I've been wondering about some of my other exes (Who, I'm sure, I made dump me too, because I never really had the guts to do it to them.)

1. Backcatcher: Did he ever get the chick he dated directly after me pregnant? I always wanted to know about that one.

2. Pitcher: How is he? I truly wish I had kept in better touch with him, because he was a really great guy, and he was always very respectful-and witty-with his mother. That and he was good looking AND good at sports--and he always ended up being really thoughtful.

Really, I think that I wish I could just facebook them, which, I tried to do with pitcher. I couldn't seem to locate him on it. Once I added him, I suppose when he first was on, but then it seemed like he just...disappeared. I regret that, I really wish I had kept up with his life.
Now, backcatcher, I don't really regard with so much care. I don't dislike him, by any means. I just don't really care about staying friends with him as much as pitcher. Backcatcher was a... foolishly plotted obsession, as I see now. But we all have to fall insanely once or twice, right? Still, sometimes I think it would be neat to hook up with him, just once, to see what came of it. Now I'm older and wiser, and have had more practise, that is.
But of the two, I'd rather have pitcher. I didn't fight often with him, for any real reasons that I hadn't imagined or made up. Backcatcher I fought with consistently. It was part of the fun of the relationship, I think.

And off I've gone, remembering the past.

Still, that was what's been bugging me, and I wish that they would attempt to contact me, and tell me that they even know who I am-- which I wouldn't doubt they wouldn't recognize me since then... apparently I look a lot different. Heh. I don't think so, but hey-who's to say, right? If anything, I'm way cuter than I used to be.
I think I've finally discovered in part what I'm supposed to be.