January 31, 2008.

So, this morning I avoided going to school to retrieve my semester's marks. They'll send them to me anyway, so there's no real point in wasting my time.

And here I am, writing my blog. And do you know what I think? I think that I wonder why relationships are so important to people, and then still ache for one so much that it makes me want to move. The only thing is, that what I want is damn near impossible, because every time I get in to a relationship, I think that as much fun as I'm having, there's something that's just not quite right. I mean, I really don't think that I'm cut out for it, because in the end I'll just give up and destroy it anyway. It's not like I've had a bad influence; my parents are still together, my grandparents are too; my uncles and aunts all are, with the exception of one, but he's kind of like me, or vica versa, I think... Take a good thing, have it ruined; have another good thing and ruin it... You know the drill.

So, why do I do this for myself? I like to think it's because I'll settle for no less than perfection, and a single happy moment isn't good enough for me.

But, I can't help but thinking of all those romances, where people travel through time, adversity, even death to come back to their soul mate.

Don't laugh. Yes, I believe that there is one person who is meant for one other person, because I am a hopeless romantic on the inside. That said, I also hate a guy who's so mushy that it's not funny. But the little things, that aren't just based on fake stuff, and idealistic notions, but who really do care, those little things are the things I remember. Once, an ex knew I was really angry that I had to work and we couldn't see each other, and I felt really gross that day. So, at eleven thirty, he had his mom drive him all the way to my house to see me. For fifteen minutes, and that was all. But it was the thought, right, that he cared enough to come see me.

And, I think that a guy who does the little things and notices the little things, and doesn't stick to the really obvious "dinner and a movie" type relationship, is the best kind. Even if he doesn't do the big things, if the little things are noticed, I'm taken with him immediately. Then again, if it's a scam, I notice too, and that ends quickly. Sure enough, though, I believe it's a horrible downfall for having owned a small library of romance novels and falling in love with the idea of a perfect relationship.

How I wish I could be introduced to the past when everything was so much easier.

You were born, you were betrothed, and then you were married at fourteen. Dead by thirty and life was easy. Well, if you were rich and good looking.

I'm not saying my life is hard, I'm just saying that you didn't really have a choice so you never knew what you were missing. You couldn't really compare, because you never got the chance. If only it worked like that. Then again, I wouldn't be me, if it were any other way, and I'd probably get sick of being beaten for being impudent, which is my middle name.

Bwahahaha, I used a big word!

Impudence: @ http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/impudence

There's the lesson for the day.

Anyway, I just wonder why we have such horrible times in love. Not just me. In fact, this was spurred on by a friend who is debating his relationship with his girlfriend. It spurred me into thinking that maybe, just maybe, some people are happy with what they have because either a) they've found their perfection or b)they are too lazy to go out and look for it.

Perhaps everyone in the western civilization is a little bit jaded, because even our poor aren't all that poor, if they don't want to be. Maybe that's all I am, is jaded. But then, no. I want a guy who's good looking, and I want him to be that gorgeous, well-intending, educated man who's busy but always thinking of me.

Like this guy. He seems rather interested with his girlfriend, right? Dark, rugged, handsome, and... ripped. :D No more settling for slightly less than perfect for me. It's time I looked for that greek guy I fantasize about all the time. I can't have just made him up, right?

January 25, 2008.

Holy Crap! This person search is driving me UP THE FRIGGEN WALL! Apparently, some people just stop existing. I mean, we live in a city where I worked with a girl who's dad works with my dad, and I've met her before.


*blink, blink*.


And I can't find an ex, who should be simple to locate. The nutzo thing is, I found his BROTHER! I just can't find him.


Now, let's think. I have his phone number, but I want to do reconnaisance before stepping into something that seems a little brash, you know? I mean "Yeah, I knew you, I made you dump me, I was a total (insert any number of nasty names here) to you, but yeah, I've changed and I'd like to catch up, get a tea and go over old times, you know?" Not all that pleasant. So, I'll just not call him. That could be weird.


*sigh* Why can't I drop this? I hate me. It's just not in me to drop, I guess. Maybe I need closure. Maybe, I need to realize that I take things for granted.





Maybe I need to prove that I'm not a little kid anymore who is rude to everyone just because they want their games back.





Yeah, it seems like I was way, way rude to my exes all the time. Then, I came across my newest ex being slightly short with me. Since I've been there, I get it, but it still sucked. I kind of wish I could just apologize. Well, I could apologize to one, but I don't know how long our conversation would last. see:




Haha. It's sad because it's true. I don't even want to think how bad I would feel about my actions after that one.

Still can't find them. It has been, like, an hour. Okay, maybe a little more than an hour. I found mr. backcatcher on facebook, but I think he looks happy enough without me bugging him. Eventually I'll run into him some day. Then I'll apologize while the silence is already really thick and uncomfortable.

Actually, I find that I don't really think about him any more. I just kind of think of him as... been there, done that. Even people that I used to look at for the personality typing don't really interest me. I think pitcher hit me too hard with the sports thing, and I liked it too much. Now, sitting around isn't my thing, so backcatcher's personality is like beating myself over the head with a spoon. Kinda stupid.
(haha, like that one? I did.)

And, for the new one: First-baseman. He's the latest. Actually, he was sort of rude when I asked him for my stuff back. I planned ahead. I totally gave him most of his stuff before I broke it off, and gave him ample warning. He just chose to ignore it. But it most definitely wasn't sudden.
So, FB(because first baseman takes too long to type out) was kind of rude. Considering all things, I guess it makes sense. It's half the reason that I'm so interested in finding my other exes--to apologize for being a bitch after we broke up. I was a nasty, mean person.

Wow. Epiphany week, right here. So many things I've noticed that I've lost or become since I started dating. I think, I've always been pessimistic, but that's no reason to mope around, and be mean to everyone.
Now, I'll still have bad days, but who's to say that the rest of my days won't be made brighter?
Also, I am a horribly horrible girlfriend. Although, I generally warn the dates that before they are put through to boyfriend status. It is they who choose not to heed my warnings.
I hate playing toadey girlfriend who slobbers for her mate. I am a competitive person, willing to go for a challenge at any point in time, and yet I hold grudges for things said. All. The. Time.
For example, I love rugby. I can't help but talk about it, after all, it's like the next best thing since sliced cheese! So one day, I was remarking on kicking FB's ass in the PS2 game I own, and his rebuttle was: "You aren't even good at rugby!"
Lo, was I stunned. And that was the beginning of the end. I don't think I will ever let that one down. Ever. I don't care. That was just mean.
And that's when I realized he obviously wasn't right for me. Especially since I am not that bad at rugby.
Also, I am athletic. God, I hate that word. It's so... euw. Just euw.
But I can't sit all the time. If it's nice out, I want to be moving, wrestling, swimming... rugby-ing? I want to be out learning new sports and ways to move... and as much as I honestly say I hate basketball, when pitcher attempted to teach me to play, I actually began to learn. And, dare I say it, enjoy it. Volleyball's a hit with me, tennis, badminton, even lawn bowling. I mean, where do I meet all my mates?
A baseball park. Hence the nicknames. They're the positions that the exes are most well noted for in either my Nifty stories or in the actual games...which Nifty stories are very often based on, so they coincide. Anyway, the point is that I meet them all at baseball parks while WE'RE PLAYING SLO-PITCH. Actually, I don't know if I ever played with pitcher. I know we threw the ball around, but I think I met pitcher through backcatcher... and then ended up dating FB who was related to the other two by a team that was an expensive azure-beelzebub team. If you actually caught any of that, I'm impressed, because I'm confused now.
Anyway, the majority of my serious relationships have been with athletic men. Well, supposed athletic men. I meet them through sports, but half of them can't keep up with me.
So, let's see...
in order of interest: i. backcatcher. (He started it, but ended up being really lazy a lot... and ignoring me a lot.) ii. pitcher (Probably the only ex who could kick my ass in any sport, whether he'd played it or not.) iii. *this guy I didn't meet in baseball, and therefore rarely mention him. Still, henceforth, he shall be known as blondie, for his hair, which I still admire freely. Haha, I'm single, I can. Na. Na. Na.* Blondie played all sorts of sports. (He once said he wanted to be a gym teacher. Well... that relationship didn't last long on his request. Wonder why?) iv. FB. (Turned out to want to sit a lot. Fun while it lasted, which was mostly until the winter came the second time around. Oh, and when he said I sucked at rugby.)

There's the proof. They've all stemmed from sports. That's creepy. Only one have I not met through sports. Soooo creepy.

I really need to rethink my life. Why go to bars? I could hit up the men's rugby league! :P

EDIT: IT IS NOW 2:47 AM AND i found pitcher!!! HE WAS ON MYSPACE AND SO I'VE FOUND HIM--YAY! NOW, ONLY TO, ONCE AGAIN, FIGURE OUT HOW IN THE HELL I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY "i'M SORRY".
PAH. gIVE UP ON THAT NOW. i'LL NEVER DO IT, NEVER. BUT HE'S HAPPY, SO I'M GOOD. WOW, THEY BOTH ARE. GOOD FOR THEM! WOOT FOR PERMA-MATE.... WAIT A SEC. BOTH OF THEM FOUND PERMA-MATES AFTER ME... :p SO, THE NEW RULE IS... TO FIND A PERMA-MATE, DATE ME AND THEN BREAK UP WITH ME, AND THE NEXT ONE WILL BE A PERMA. GOT IT? :p MAKES ME SOUND HORRID. THEN AGAIN, MAYBE i AM. LOLZ. GOOD NIGHT ;D

January 24 2008

You know, I want a car, but I don't want just any car... I don't know how to explain it, but I'd rather take a bus than own a car without a personality to match mine. So, then, my mom saw this beetle downtown and it's for sale... and now I want it. I want it and I will have it, I hope. Even if I have to take out a loan, I want this car. It would be so awesome! It suits me, too. :D I think it would do me well. *Sigh* I really hope I get it. I have some money saved up that was supposed to be for school, but I'll have to eventually need to buy a car anyway, so it's okay. And that's what I'll keep telling myself. Yes.
Anyway, that's what's been on my mind since a few days ago... ta ta!

January 23, 2008.

You know, I think I'm nuts. Bonkers. Gone Bananas. I am so serious. I really think that I'm a closet depressed person. I will have a perfectly great set of days, and then one little thought will put me to thinking about a career as an assassin. And goodness knows I could very likely do it while in this mood. But, the part that bothers me is that I never take it out on myself, I always, always take it out on other people. The only thing that I do while I'm in this state is that I become an insomniac, because my thoughts won't let me sleep.
I suppose, though, that I do harm myself, I just don't do it in the normal way, like cutting.
Several times, I've gotten my ears pierced.
More often, I've sabotaged relationships.
Once, I got a tattoo.

So, I guess I'm nuts. I can create numerous characters because they really do exist, in my head. My complex personalities are just an offshoot, of things I want to be, have, believe in.

I'm starting to scare myself now. Maybe I'll just go lie down and wait for the morning to get here, so I can feign normalcy.
The thing is, I don't want to change it, because it is me, and I don't want to lose myself in drugs and therapy. I just want to know why.

January 22, 2008

So, I was totally planning to go camping the May 2-4 weekend.. I don't know which weekend it actually is this year, but I'm frigging going. I don't care if I have to kill people to get there, I'm going. It's not cool that I've missed camping for three years in a row because a)I worked Supie every year, which doesn't give me time to go when my family goes and b)my mother wouldn't let me go because "I wasn't old enough". Apparently, the age of majority isn't good enough. So, I'll be 19 this year, and that means I'm by all means "old enough". I'm also going to bring alcohol, which I wouldn't have last year. I'm also going to go with a few guy friends, because there's no way I'm going to go with a bunch of females, to drink, and thereby get in trouble.I mean, there's going to be girls there, but somehow I see that as being a problem. A huge problem. At least with guys, other guys will be less likely to rape us. We'll all bring tents, and probably rent two campsites side-by-side, if there's space. Hopefully, this will work. I'm not sure the details yet, but I'm going to start doing them soon.
Other than that, not much to update on.

January 17, 2008.

Well, today I realized that I totally screwed up my ENTIRE semester in school by taking that damn math class... I hate math. I can't understand it, and I just realized that. I'm not saying that I'm dull witted, because I can pick up languages like a...parrot... but I don't have the logic for it anymore. I also seem to have lost any wittiness I once had and replaced it with sarcasm and cynicism. Isn't that nice.
That's what life does to a person I suppose. Not that I'm complaining, of course. I wouldn't be me if anything had been different. And I probably wouldn't have realized that I'm such a bitc... (well, you know the rest).

Anyway, so that's okay. I'll pick up where I left off last semester when my new semester starts. I hope I'll like them a little more. They aren't boring. I have two arts, a communications and an english.
I rather enjoy biology, but this semester was not the semester to be doing it. Too much work.
Actually, I learned a lot, I just choose not to do it.

I also realized, that I need to have closer friends, but I don't think that'll happen until I get to university where I can have closer, more like personalities.

By the way, I'm into Classical Languages, I don't know if I said so. I know I went into my school applications, but nothing's come back yet. It's okay, though. Not a big deal.
In fact, I'm thinking it's good, gives me some time to stress... Not that I'm stressing. Worst comes to worse, I don't get accepted and I end up marrying into money. Sounds good.
So, who's got money???

Joking, only joking. Anyway, I can't think that for any particular reason (Other than the few failed courses from this semester) for not letting me in...

Mmm... I want ice cream. And my hair's got really badly split ends. I wonder if that oil VOH or whatever it is stuff works well... My hair's so dead in the winter. And so darn straight.

Well, I gotta go... Eating before work is a good idea.

Besides, that was really all I needed to say.

January 15, 2008

So, I have decided to keep a running blog of what really goes on in my head. No holds barred, nothing left to keep hidden. So here it is.

Today is January 15th. Obviously. That's the title. Right. I just spent three hours trying to transfer all of my files over from the main computer in the house to my personal laptop, something I've been avoiding doing for quite some time, seeing as I knew it would take three hours, and I'd rather spend the three hours doing something more productive, of course. I would much rather have been downloading music by Boney M and Meat Loaf.

Don't get me wrong, I love my files, but I don't really need them to be on my laptop.

And this has nothing to do with what it was that made me want to blog in the first place.
What did happen, was that I have recently ejected myself from the world of couples, happy, secure couples...on purpose. I wanted to. I hate being in a relationship, and having to answer to one person, even if that one person is sooo happy being with me. At the point where I gave in, it was a little over a year and four months, and I was ready to KILL!
And the fact that I realized this, also made me realize that I have forever felt this way, in a relationship. Now, does that mean that I hate committment? Or that I just haven't found the right One? I think it might be a litte of both.
That, and I've realized that spending my life raising children is NOT a lifepath I'd like to take. It would be great, for some people, yes. But not me. I like kids, I want one or two or even three. That's fine. But I can honestly not sit around and do that now.
Personally, I'd like to have a few kids, then ship them off to someone else to look after while I go out and have fun in other countries.
Since I see that as particularily detrimental to a child's health, I also see how it would affect the future of the planet, and thereby understand that it's not high on my priorities list.

Once, I read this article about something to do with if a man was right for you. And it said that the way he treats his mother is the way he'll treat you once you're married. I always kind of ignored it, until at about a year, my ex started being kind of mean, at little points, in the same manner as he would have to his mother.

I now swear by the rule.

I also, am no longer dating him. He had good qualities and bad qualities, but was mostly just...not at the same point in his life as I was. So, I changed, he didn't. The end. Literally.

Also, lately, I've been wondering about some of my other exes (Who, I'm sure, I made dump me too, because I never really had the guts to do it to them.)

1. Backcatcher: Did he ever get the chick he dated directly after me pregnant? I always wanted to know about that one.

2. Pitcher: How is he? I truly wish I had kept in better touch with him, because he was a really great guy, and he was always very respectful-and witty-with his mother. That and he was good looking AND good at sports--and he always ended up being really thoughtful.

Really, I think that I wish I could just facebook them, which, I tried to do with pitcher. I couldn't seem to locate him on it. Once I added him, I suppose when he first was on, but then it seemed like he just...disappeared. I regret that, I really wish I had kept up with his life.
Now, backcatcher, I don't really regard with so much care. I don't dislike him, by any means. I just don't really care about staying friends with him as much as pitcher. Backcatcher was a... foolishly plotted obsession, as I see now. But we all have to fall insanely once or twice, right? Still, sometimes I think it would be neat to hook up with him, just once, to see what came of it. Now I'm older and wiser, and have had more practise, that is.
But of the two, I'd rather have pitcher. I didn't fight often with him, for any real reasons that I hadn't imagined or made up. Backcatcher I fought with consistently. It was part of the fun of the relationship, I think.

And off I've gone, remembering the past.

Still, that was what's been bugging me, and I wish that they would attempt to contact me, and tell me that they even know who I am-- which I wouldn't doubt they wouldn't recognize me since then... apparently I look a lot different. Heh. I don't think so, but hey-who's to say, right? If anything, I'm way cuter than I used to be.
I think I've finally discovered in part what I'm supposed to be.