June 17 2009

So, I'm beginning to wonder if anyone else is looking forward to 2012 being as disappointing as Y2K was? I mean, logically, unless in the next two years the earth decides to spiral out of its orbit around the sun because we launch a few too many space shuttles made out of materials that we mined from the centre of Earth and threw off it's weight required to float around the sun in its balance of weight and speed, then why would the earth destruct and kill every living thing on it?
The likelihood of it happening is beyond ridiculously low, and seriously:
The Mayans probably wrote all sorts of interesting stories about inexplicable things like creation and recreation of the world. Luckily for us, we have examples of these stories throughout time: look at the bible. It's been around for a few thousand years.
It's also told of the coming of someone important for a long time now, and unless he's lost somewhere, I'm pretty sure it's not gonna happen. But I mean, believing in two different religions at the same time must be a really neat plan. Because technically, that's all this Mayan crap is. Just another religion.
At least the illogical beings are admitting that someone else may have been more intelligent now. Too bad they couldn't just give up and help us work on looking at archaeology or genetic evolution as some of the people are intelligent enough to work out missing details about, oh, I don't know: Darwin's work? Theory of Evolution? Ring a bell?

June 7 2009

Well, I'm living away from school now. :D I am officially in a house in the city that my school resides that is different from the one I had originally planned and written about. In fact, it is fairly different. For one thing, there was an awful horrible death in the room beside the front room... well. I mean, any death is awful and horrible, right?

And so now, I swear I can hear people talking on occasion, but if the windows are open I generally assume it was someone outside. Yesterday I'm fairly sure that I had seen someone who wasn't there walk up the stairs at the front where my vacuum routinely gives out as the engine does... something? I don't know. I still haven't figured out why my vacuum keeps having engine problems in the front hall while vacuuming the front mat and stairs.

Now, in this new house, I have two rooms. I have a room upstairs, which is the tiny room. I also have a room in the basement. It is the awesome room. I painted that one myself. I'm very proud of all the work I've done in this house. When I got here, there had originally been five people--one of which was a girl who claims to be semi-clean.

When I got here, there were piles of bug-ridden dishes on the kitchen surfaces; the back (I call them slave) staircase was covered with a sticky dust that was about an inch thick; the basement had been a grow-op, and I was surprised to see that the other half of the basement was regarded as a dumping ground by the previous tenants.

So, I've cleaned the kitchen, and the stairs and the bathroom; the front room has also been changed to remove dead plants, the rooms that I live in are cleaned and my landlord removed the trash from the basement and I used his shop vac to remove a year's collection of dirt, animal skin and dried pot leaves from the corners. (If you need me/I'll be downstairs/with the shop vac/you can call but I probably won't hear you/'cause it's loud with the shop vac on...)

Anyway, so after moving in and realizing that I'm slightly anal with the cleaning, I've also begun to embrace it. Yeah, so I like the house to be presentable (at least, the house that others will see. My rooms are still a mess with boxes everywhere, but I've cleaned and vacuumed those more than once, too.)

Still, I'm exasperated to learn that cats smell. Like, I don't know if it's just semi-unclean litter boxes or whether it's the cat itself, but let me tell you: my rats smell prettier.

Right. Rats. :D

Anyway I figure I've said enough.

March 3, 2009

White Horse-Taylor Swift

Yep, so I've realized that Taylor Swift has a song on her album, Fearless, for just about any possible feeling a girl about my age could possibly be exhibiting. Yay! I'm not alone in the world!

I wonder, though, if it's not on purpose. I mean, why else would I read random blogs depending on my mood? Why else would I write a blog that identifies what I'm feeling?

7 Things-Miley Cyrus

I mean, seriously. Let's look at these songs. Where am I in my daily life? Why else do we have entire websites dedicated to music and playlists referring to any given mood that any person could possibly want to be in!

Movies, too, are important as we have to use other things to evaluate our own lives... and feel normal. So I wonder: is it better that we have examples to live by, or is it a negative thing?

February 24, 2009

So, I finally found a fifth for the house (hereafter, generally referred to as 'my house' even though it's technically not) that the group of me and my friends are renting. For the most part, life's pretty good right now. It's like, just, even. Once in a while a terrible thing comes along, but sometimes, good also comes from it.
Short update today, really. Kinda jittery from the coffee I drank...it's sad 'cause it was only a double-double.
Also: I found ebay. It. Is. Awesome.
But I'll be spending money on there if I am not careful.
On the plus side, I'll get more crap!
Whoo!
Ooh, and I ordered the new charger for my battery. Yay!

February 17th, 2009

I realized today, that I have different views about a few really big things that might eventually come into play in my life.

It all started while I was watching "Without a Trace".

First, I thought that if I knew someone that I was close to who was receiving treatment for something that it would be unfair to push them to the extent of 'against their will'. For example religious reasons--with the exception of a child who was under the age of majority, and below the age of wherever I was legally, because that child should not be denied any treatment because of a parent's religion and beliefs. The child should be free to make decisions after the age of majority, when they are old enough to understand the consequences of their actions, by law.

Then, while I was thinking, I was trying to figure out what would have happened if I had pursued becoming a doctor. As a doctor, I would push to give the patients the treatment that they needed as long as the pros outweighed the cons, because why shouldn't something that can be helped, be helped?

And then, I was thinking that as a person, I would want my mother to have what she wanted, whether that was life or death.

Which led me to think about helping a person commit suicide, which I entirely disagree with, seeing as I can't comprehend suicide, because to me I have been raised to be disgusted by suicide. There is always worth in someone, regardless of their situation... or was there?

Is there? Can a pedophile ever be forgiven for what he or she has done? 

Can a person who murdered a close family member ever be forgiven, or accepted?

No. 

Not by me. They would deserve to be punished in the exact same manner that they caused the problem. If they killed, kill them.

And then: I could never banish someone to death. No, not those murderers, not someone who raped children. Life is precious. And if I were to kill them for killing someone of mine, it would be nothing compared to the guilt that they could suffer for the rest of their natural lives, if they were to know me. It would be a fate worse than death, perhaps instilling a need for suicide in them. 

Which would be fine by me.

But would they suffer guilt? Perhaps they were raised to think that they had the right to take a life? The guilt would never occur. Then, then I would vote for the death sentence.

And all of this filtered into: I really have a very skewed view of my own beliefs. I don't really know what I would do in any situation, because it depended on the situation; on the balance of outcomes. 

And I blame it on being Canadian, and watching American shows, and having certain beliefs. I believe, sometimes, an eye for an eye, but the school system says walk away, give everyone a chance. Believe in people. Even the bad guys have a reason to do what they do. 

Yet, no one has ever proved that pedophiles are acting the way they do for any reason; there's never been proof that like physical or emotional abuse, that there's a background reason for their actions.

Not to my knowledge anyway. Maybe I should search a little more into the subject, before I make assumptions.

So, I am left with the really confused section of thoughts: Who is right, and who is ever wrong if they are so easily swayed depending on environment, consequential proof, personal beliefs, morals of surroundings and a past? 

No one, and everyone, I suppose.

Another one of those 'everything is relative' things. Right and wrong are only right and wrong when a person believes them as such, and only by that person...

So how do we know that all of our laws are right?

February 15, 2009

So, yesterday was Valentine's Day. Yes, yes, love to anyone who needs it. Don't go killing yourself because no one wanted to be your valentine. They're not worth it anyway. You're better than they are.

Anyway, I'm sure that there's some Saint somewhwere going "aaahhhh... it's always about the chocolate". I wonder... was the person obsessed with cocoa beans? Why is there chocolate involved? Seriously...
I actually had to stop and think about this.
There are so many holidays in the Western world that involve things that we aren't supposed to be eating, or drinking, or doing... Nearly one a month. Holidays like April Fool's day, which aren't about doing things that we Westerners won't usually do (for health reasons, or because of our ingrained phobias of gaining weight and looking...fat...) aren't celebrated as widely, nor are they as... economically based?
Heh. How about that. I mean, how could anyone possibly turn a day like that day in August which is some sort of civic holiday. I can't even imagine the Sears posters up around the store:
"It's that day in August again! Save 2% on all fashions that are previously red tagged and also on the clearance racks!"
"TSITACH: Thank Sears It's The August Civic Holiday"
And heck, we might as well even find someone's name to throw in on the civic holiday...
I know...
August Civic Holiday (ACH): Nifzeta finished chapter six in the Aeneid Day!

Well, hey! If the governments and companies can do it for crappy days like Valentines day that really don't mean much or even have a significant background related to what the day is (Seriously guys, do you really only love your girlfriends once a year??? I mean, come on. And ladies: Why do you expect anything from him? What day does he have to get stuff from you? I mean, he does NOT want that teddy bear, regardless of the fact that he just said it's the cutest thing he's ever gotten, because you'll turn your back and he'll take it off the middle of the pillow you just laid it on, and then toss it into the pile of them that you've gotten for him since you two started dating.)

No, the best day I've ever heard of is Steak and a Blow Job Day (March 14th) (Facebook Group since the website was not... quite... 14A. : http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2245265187). Now there, right there, is a great holiday. And if we're going to be forced to observe the pitiful Valentine's day every year, then Steak and a Blow Job Day should also be observed.
It's only fair.
If the ladies expect a day all for them full of diamonds and chocolate and teddies and cards... men get a day of this.

And ladies (or men): Before you say anything to me: I am female. I am straight. And I have a boyfriend. I have never liked Valentine's day, either when I was single or not. I have never liked that holidays are so obsessed with economic value.
And I certainly do not wish that people should celebrate anything out of the peer punishment received if they avoid the celebration.

Which is what has really set me off in the first place.
Valentine's day, if it is celebrated, should be about love. First and foremost. I'm not saying go out and get laid, which I'm sure was a mantra of about half the sixteen year olds in every high school around where I was yesterday. I mean, think about what love means to you.
What does it mean to you?
Is it more important than other things? Less important?

Good. Now that you have thought about that, think about this: If it's more important than other things, why do you not celebrate it more often?
Why are you suckered into giving a gift to someone only on one specific day of the year, when it's expected? And how does that really show you care? Because you... pulled out your MasterCard or your Visa or your Debit or your cash and you handed it over to some kid behind the counter, selling half-dead (or possibly very nice, if you skipped work or other responsibilities)?

Every day is a good day to tell someone you love them. Every day is a good day to show someone you care. Every day, not just February the fourteenth, should be a day of celebrating the care that you have for others. Parents, significant others, friends, siblings, or any other acquaintance that you feel necessary to you should be shown every day that you are respectful of them, that you are thankful to have them, and that you might even, sort of, waaaayyy down deep, kinda sorta might just feel like... maybe...
You think Valentine's day is just a liiiiiiiiiitttllee too worked up by companies to be a good holiday.



...And if you feel that there is no one to love, and no one loves you, remember this: You should love you, because you're better, because you're in your head, and they aren't. Unless they are... in which case, you may need some form of medication, or you need to take out the glass tubing that you thought would be cool to have installed in your own head the other day.
It was a baaaddd idea, dude.
Seriously.

February 3, 2009

I am twenty tomorrow, and I feel old. Other than that, my computer needs to be formatted--again. It has like a six month death worm or something. It blue-screen-of-death'd me this morning. I was NOT happy. On the plus side, I have this awesome mac that I sit and mess around with when the Dell's being a bi... yeah. You know where I'm going with it.

The music that I'm listening to is all over the place since I'm intermittently renaming songs that my iTunes feels it necessary to rename in sets of four letters such as "LHFS" since I put music on my computer from my boyfriend's.

His computer's on the fritz, too.

My car has officially died, poor thing, a product of the temp guage melting, then a head gasket blowing, and some other thing. So, it overheated, blew the head gasket, and it costs more to replace than my car did when we got it. Seeing as the poor car has like, 489000 km on it, I'm going to say that's a hell of a long life, and I'm ready to sell the pieces, (some of which I replaced this summer. My car was fairly expensive for me this summer.)

So, now I'm looking for a new one. A cheap new one, actually.

Volkswagon, anyone? :D I would love one.

Anyway, for real, though, my dad's looking at a standard sunfire. I like them. I've thought they were cute for a while. I like the shape of them, and I like the inside. It also seems like every rugby player that I know drives them. I don't know. They're just a standard rugger car. He's looking at a two-door. Which is cool, too. Not like I need a fifteen door vehicle. There's one of me, and usually one passenger.

I just don't like the buses around here, and it's too cold to leave and stand at a bus stop after like, five at night, because then you freeze some interesting body parts off. Ones that you need.

Anyway, not much else going on. Let's see:

1)broken car

2)homework

3)iTunes and computer being a... yeah.

sounds about right!

Okay, I guess I'm off. Luck be with everyone.

January 18th, 2009

It has been a while since my last update. Sorry... :D

Anyway, I have been looking for a house here in the city that my school is, and as a result I have been a little more preoccupied. I've also decided that passing this semester would be really nice, because my one mark last semester ended up being a little less than passing, and as a result, although my other two marks are higher, I'm still running on a low mark.

What I Got-Sublime

Anyway, I found a house with a few friends, it's a gorgeous older four bedroom that's got a really weird bathroom in a random hallway that once solely led to the basement... but you know. I love the bedrooms where I will be living all the time, too.

Landslide-Dixie Chicks

The house is a bit older, it's a four bedroom, although at this moment in time, there are only three rooms that have people in it. My friend who is the only other girl signed in to live there is staying in her room with her boyfriend, so they're both paying for the one room and then we'll split utilities between as many people as there are living there, which is only currently signed to be four, since my boyfriend didn't want to give a definitive answer until he knows he can go in with us.

Anyway, since my camera battery is dead and the only method of charging it is otherwise undetectable (ahem, at my grandma's I think, from Xmas time), I have sort of drawn you some semblance as to the house layout...

Sin Wagon-Dixie Chicks

There are a few things that I'm not sure about because they don't look right on the drawing to me, and um... yeah. I'm not an architect. Sorry. Also: You might have to save and view separately... Overall in a clockwise direction starting from the far left little sticking out- thingie:

Front porch, staircase/hallway, kitchen and the arrow indicates the freak bathroom which also leads to the basement. Continuing on the first floor which is the first rectangle, down from the kitchen, it connects to the living/dining rooms which are undecided as to which one will be which.

I'm not really sure. The dark black lines are doors leading to outside. Yay. Front and back doors, we have a backyard with which to entertain, and it will be nice.

The next rectangle is the upper floor. So, from the top left: a bedroom which is the smallest and will likely be mine, the stairs coming up, a short hallway with exits toward both the large bathroom and another bathroom, then continuing clockwise we have a bedroom which will probably be my friend and her bf's room, and then a fourth bedroom. In the middle is just a little landing thing.

The basement just looks like a basement that's fairly short, so it's like, normal. It's got the washer, the dryer, and the laundry tub. Apparently it floods sometimes because of the river that runs through the city here.

You know, standard for houses by water.

Anyway. Can you tell how excited I am to move in to it? I'm liking it. We'll have to do some things to it, but I'm in love with it. So much so that I pretty much was just like, let's just take this one. I like this one. Yeah, that's nice, but it's not as good as the first one we saw.

Yeah. Had I been alone, I would have totally signed the lease right there.

Auld Lang Syne-Dropkick Murphys

Wonderful Tonight-Eric Clapton

So, that's mostly what I've been up to lately. That, and school. And, trying to pay for school, and I've been attempting to get a job.

Otherwise, I'd say, I'm doing pretty well.

Yessir, pretty darn well :D

Cocaine-Eric Clapton

December 25th, 2008

Wow, Christmas was really proliferant this year. I got two nutcrackers, and like, 8+4 pairs of socks. It made my life. I also got a keg coffee mug. who doesn't want one of those?
"No, I swear professor, it's just tea!"
Haha. And I got a chair-back that is purple. And apparently, a rugby ball that my mum forgot. Again. :D I have like four now! It's getting awesomer. I have a team's worth of rugby balls, and I will never run out. They're all different, too. It's cool. :D
Umm... School. I've changed my major. I will now go for business. I might look at accounting.
I don't know.
Anyway. Gotta go. Busy, busy day.

December 1, 2008

I have no problems in life right now. My life is perfect.
I don't have any complaints. I'm mostly passing everything in school. I've developed a method for eating in the cafeterias so that I don't puke all over and don't feel sick directly afterwards. I have successfully secured a place in the university. I'm definitely not a rookie, after this year (even though rookie night left me with THREE distinct bruises on my right knee and a scratch on my chin, and I was brought home by a friend on the team who was much, much more sober than I, and she got her boyfriend, and they got mine at my drunken request, but mine didn't mind... or at least that's what he said.) I am content, for the most part, except that I'm heading home for three weeks on the thirteenth from dorm where I have spent every night of the last month with my boyfriend(although we kind of requested of each other that we don't really use those terms because of the pressure that they put on us which is silly because we say it all the time anyway), pretty much. We don't separate a lot. Just when I go to the gym, or when one of us has a class, or goes home, or has a rookie night... and then I come home drunk anyway, and beg for him to come and make me feel warm because I'm freezing.
Anyway, yes. I generally am having a really good life.
I'm semi-passing, I'm not too stressed with so many languages. I don't know how Kichasnano does it, but he'll keep doing it, I'm sure. And I'll be sitting there going, "What does this mean?"
He says "Te amo" alot. I like "Ego te amo" better, and probably will always, simply because it's what I remember. Anyway, in case you didn't catch that, it's latin. "ego" means "I". And the rest should be obvious if you know French/Latin/Spanish.
I think that It's necessary for me to say that as perfect as my life is, I'm not overly happy, and I'm not excessively obsessed with Kichasnano... which, I think, might be healthy. I'm content. I could win the lottery, but I don't know if that would change my life much. I'd move out of dorm, I'd make Christmas awesome and buy everyone really cool presents and pay off their stuff, and I'd pay off school for the next five years. Then I'd get a job and put the rest of the money towards fixing my parents' house and grandparents' house.
Anyway, I'm saying that I'm comfortable, and feel...right.
If I don't say anything till then, Happy Christmas.

November 7, 2008

Today is an interesting day. I think I've decided about my plan of action. I hate it when I make decisive decisions, but it's gotten to the point where I just can't deal with idiocy any more, and I really just want to know.
I hate men. They cause so much strife. Well. I suppose I haven't got much to say again. Just going along with life, doing my homework and writing novels for NanoWrimo.
Excerpt:

Shrieking in fear, she pounded on the roof of the box that she was trapped within. To her horror, it fit her like a second glove, perfectly mimicking her body’s slender size and boyish shape. The inner surface that she lay upon was smooth and silky, much like the shirt was that she had worn to her work’s last Christmas party, but in the pitch blackness she could not see if the color was anything like the blouse.

Mmm... I'm going to go watch Footloose now. It's one of the best movies ever invented, I have to admit. Then after that, I'm going to watch RHPS. The other best movie ever invented. :D

November 5, 2008

As was said to my friends online at midnight-ish?
Remember, Remember
The Fifth of November...

:D So I fell asleep at one thirty in the morning watching V for Vendetta.
It's a good movie, but we won't get into why.
Too much debate.
Now I'm in a really good mood for no particular reason. I just decided though, that were I a star who acted in generally accepted movies by the public, I would keep a copy of everything I did and use it as a game plan for the next one. "Oh, I did this wrong here, I could do better by..." And improve as I went. I mean, clearly, I'm an awesome actress(snicker, snicker)already, so I don't know why I'd need to improve...
:P
Yeah, they'd never let me onto a big hit. I could do a big Canadian Hit, but they're only B movies that you watch when you really have nothing else to do and all the shows are taken off by some crappy American Debate over who's gonna be the next president.
Just a little bitter about that.

Anyway... Uh... Yeah. Okay. I'm done for the day.

October 29, 2008

Hey! This is my hundredth post! Time to celebrate *dances* woohoo!
Success at its finest! I mean, who else in their right minds would be excited about the honour of sitting at a desk for long enough to have written a hundred posts while single-handedly ignoring homework, social time, AND cleaning?

In other news...
I decided, yesterday, that next semester I would make my life a little easier and retreat from my previously chosen section of learning. I definitely switched out of Latin and Greek.
Yes.
I can't stand them, there's just too much to learn.
Then, today, I got an email on the school email questioning whether or not one should drop a course... so I did. I am no longer in Greek. *sigh* it sucks, because I gave up and I hate giving up. I mean, really, if it were more interesting, or useful, I'd think about working harder on it.
Buuuttt... Not really interested. In grade ten, maybe I was. Okay, I was. But now? Naah. I need something a little more useful, because something might come up and that rich guy that I'm looking for to marry for his money might not actually exist, or, you know, be single and unmarried. Then again, who says I'd need to marry him? I could just be a mistress...
naah. Then I could never claim anything from his name.
Anyway, in order to not have too many failing courses show up on my transcript, I dropped Greek this semester, too. I still have Latin so that I have a full courseload, but Latin's not too hard, I just think it's boring. But if I don't have to worry about Greek AND Latin at the same time, it will be much easier to do just Latin. That will be perfect.
*sigh*
I hate quitting. Anyway, I have to go do some... no, nope. No Greek homework. I guess i'll just have to finish the Iliad now. Darn. I was so looking forward to...no, nope. I wasn't. I wasn't looking forward to the Greek work.
For some reason, I feel oddly elated...

October 27, 2008

Hmm... Halloween is coming and I'm going to be BATMAN!
Then, there's a guy down my hallway who, when I said that I was going to be the better of the magnificent duo, he said "You can't be Batman?! You have to be Batwoman! You're just not a guy!"
Well, and here I thought that we'd cleared up this silly thing where men stereotype women.
I try very hard to not stereotype men.
Or do I? I mean, I certainly wouldn't chase a little pansy guy who did silly things like... study birds for a living. Hahaha. I'd laugh at any man who was smaller, thinner, shorter than me.
Okay, I suppose that I do stereotype men.
And you know, as much as we'd all like to see women gain the equivalent status of a man, it will never happen. Even after all this time, I have my accounting class, and there are one HECK of a lot more guys, better looking guys, more manly, demanding guys in that class because it's a BUSINESS class then there are women.
In my friend Sylver's college class for architecture, there are significantly fewer women then men.
I think that the only reason we as a society think that we are all equal is because we are given numbers. When you actually experience it, it's quite odd.
This entire revelation came about when I was looking for a cool halloween costume. I wanted to be spider man, actually.
All I could find in any of the women sections were bust-baring, high-thigh, teensy-tight, clevage-collecting costumes, designed to tease, entice, and promise to men that I am easy. Here's my thing: I'm not really hard. Seriously.
But I'm not going to sell it, either. That's like, I'll show it, when I want to, if it suits me.
Usually, actually, I dress like that specifically to get attention.
But on Halloween? Why? Does every day have to be a day that women are expected to look like fourteen year olds who still haven't figured out that dressing in clothes is better than dressing in tights?
Grr...

Seriously, I'm a hoodie and jeans kinda girl. And the funny thing is, that last year, I decided I wanted to look better than a few other girls, because I wanted to catch the attention of a guy. So, I was. The first thing that my guyfriend said when he saw me was:
"What? Since when do you have cleavage?"
I was amazed that I'm declassified as a girl if I don't dress like one.
I mean, I never lose my... clear girly squeal when I see a cute guy.

Oh well. I suppose eventually, I'll find someone who's more comfy with me the way I am. My fingers are still crossed for that guy in my accounting seminar. He's pretty cool.

Anyway, tune in next time;
Same bat time,
Same bat channel!

October 20, 2008

Wow. How about this one: It's six fifty in the morning. I've slept since eight o'clock last night...

So, my life's awesome. Yeah, I dunno if I was bored or if I was just finally getting all that sleep back that I didn't have while school was in, but whatever it was, I feel great now. :D
Well, a little cold.
Hm. It's seven sixteen now, and the sun isn' t up yet. This is going to be a fuuuun winter. On the plus side, it might rain today. Gives me a reason to stay inside and maybe even go shopping a little bit! Yay! I haven't actually had much of a chance to go anywhere but a GT, walmart, and now a sears. I've yet to wander around those little stores downtown or ANYWHERE in Peterborough... I mean, it's a small town, but it's got loads of little stores. We even have a few malls...
:D
I'll prolly end up sitting here designing tee shirts for Twilight's release... :D Maybe I'll get Sylver's done for her. I've had it planned this long, why not? I have lots of time. I just need some cardboard. And some sylver paint :P
Truesay. I'll have to find some tee shirt paint.
Otherwise, I'd say I haven't got much to do other than read the rest of the Iliad and start on the Oddyssey.
And you know how much I want to do that? About as much as I want to poke my own eyes out... Hahaha.
(But then how will I see the movie??? It's just not the same if I can't see Twilight!!)

October 17th, 2008

Okay. I'm getting sick of this guy thing. Seriously.
All of them. Every single one of the guys I know is on my nerves right now. Except the gay ones, or the ones I can't ever see myself with.
Well, and Kiz. I don't see how he even figures in anymore, it's been so long. He's just... history.
Unfortunately, the newest replacement for Kiz--the one with the personality and the one with the raver girlfriend who lives miles away... he seems to have taken up that place. Within six months of realizing I needed to change, else I would be doomed to be forever wishing Kiz would just see reason and a happy ending might therefore occur, I ended up screwing up AGAIN and finding someone else who's just as eager to step up and be the douche.
I don't know. I don't hate him, like I keep saying to myself.
I hate me, for not being able to deal when this kind of guy comes along. He's so... perfect. He's crazy. It suits me. He's random, and aloof. It keeps me amused and always thinking about him. I'm never bored. I get bored easily, and this kind of guy's so random.
He's forceful.
And I hate myself for wanting to relive every damned minute of it, because I know it will never come back. I think he blocked me on everything.
He will never be back. And I can't stop thinking about what he was like. And what he did. And comparing every new guy to him, because maybe, just maybe, I'll find a replacement.
Yesterday, I was in a really bad mood, because two nights ago, I was up really late. As I was in that half state between awake and sleep, I caught a whiff of him. Just... his smell. So perfect. So comforting. And while I tried to find the smell again right then, at five o'clock in the morning, for ten minutes, TEN MINUTES, I searched just to smell his scent, and I realized it.
I have hit the lowest of lows.
Again.


It's not him I hate for it, it's me. I hate how I react to a certain breed. A breed that I will never conquer but always want to. And in wanting to, that's who I'll be most attracted to.
I hate myself. I want to step out for a few days, take a few days off from my memories and my past, and just... step out. I want a coma to last a few days so I can sleep, so I can sleep without dreaming any more dreams. Because they're good dreams. They make me happy. And then I wake up and wish I could dream again. I've gotten to insomniac because I just don't want to sleep. It's easier to just stay awake and not sleep, keep busy and distract myself.
But there's only so much I can do before I a)fall asleep or
b)hate myself again.
Like now. I hate me right now.
I hate him.
I hate me.

I hate me.
I hate us both.

October 9, 2008

Well, I'm officially failing, like, everything. I think it's technically mid-terms... and I'm not doing too well. Hopefully I can pull off a bunch of amazing-catch-up-on-marks things like I always did in high school... I was really good at that. I mean, I now know that I can in fact get my stuff done, if I have to, at three in the morning. Yes. It does happen. I just don't know where all the time goes. On the other hand, my eyes were so burning this morning that I had to take out my contacts, and now my eyes are even more burning. Now they're better. I just put on my glasses. It helped a lot. it's just 'cause I'm blind.
Anyway, other than that, I suppose it's all good. I got my first hangover the other day... I suppose Wednesday... Tuesday was Team Tuesday at the bar that put money or something towards our rugby team. Yeah, we're cool. We're supported by a bar.
Although, our summer team at Creek was also supported by a bar in Stoney Creek. So, I guess it's fairly common.
Yeah. Anyway, Tuesday was interesting. I don't think I'm ever going to change because I just can't seem to. On the plus side, I did say no when I got asked to go home with someone. My excuse: I'm not drunk enough, and I have homework waiting for me.
I ended up missing the last bus to school and crashing at a teammate's apartment which was two blocks from the bar.
It was awesome. Her floor was really comfy.
Anyway, I'm going to go nap for an hour. I have a long day ahead of me, and an even longer weekend. And I have a seminar due. Maybe I should do that now. Forget the naps. I'll wake up when I get pounded on in the practice.
Time for some coffee...

September 29, 2008

Wow. Some people...

Ahahaha. That's all I can say. Hellloooo guys: My face, it's about a foot above where you're looking. Thanks. :D

And then people wonder why I wear big sweaters and 'boy jeans' all the time. I can't help it if you decide to show up at my room at seven thirty at night... I don't like wearing my clothes if I don't have to. So I'll take off the sweaters and switch to pj pants. But don't look at me like that. Thank you.
I'll tell you when you can, if you can, admire me. And then and only then will I allow it.

And that's the way it should be, as long as I'm fending for myself and am not married to anyone.

So there.

September 25, 2008

Today is Linck's bday. She's old. Haha.
Kidding.
Anyway, that's just my random shoutouts. Shout out? Shouter? Yeah. Shouter.
It looks really dumb though. Not catchy enough.
So, anyway, as of the end of this week, I have lived in dorm for a month and still haven't even met anyone that wasn't a creeper or "just a friend".
Kids, I'm sure that someone, somewhere is having sex or is currently in the blissful aftermath of passion on campus, but let me tell you: it certainly isn't me.
I mean, I definitely don't help myself much--I'm starting to get disapproving stares from my friend who lives in the other dorm across the way. She seems to want me to get out and meet guys. She always has an opinion on who it is that wants to "bone me" as she likes to put it.

I understand earlier, that I was making myself unavailable, but sometimes I wonder if I just missed the class on how to flirt?
Because even if I know that a guy's flirting with me, it makes it that much harder to go along with it. I just can't do it. It then makes me want to laugh at them and I can't take them seriously. Really.

I guess I'll give up for now. I've lost the battle, but I damn well have not lost the war.

September 22, 2008

I don't think I've ever done homework before, and I'm doing it now... I hate it.
Anyway, I just would like to say that sylver's right: I will never be able to go two weeks without some form of attention, because I'm just like that. It's kind of sad. I need some things, and I refuse to go without, damnit! I am a pretty good looking girl, I think. I should get some a lot.
Damn this emotion thing. Damn it to hell...
Mmm... popcorn. ! I have vinegar in my purse from mcdonald's! Woot!
*munch, munch*
I wish Pitcher was single.
I've been thinking about him but I don't know if it's because I'm single or because it really truly struck home that he's the only person who noticed I wasn't quite right last week without me saying something about it...?
I don't know. But now, I hate myself for thinking what I've been thinking. So, scratch that, damn me for thinking bad things, and back to my popcorn and accounting homework.