October 13th, 2014

Rockton fair was this weekend. I love the derbies! Tonight's was the figure 8 championship circuit and the mini van derby. My family and I went, and my new... friend... came too. They had a ninja turtles minivan, which was awesome. Our course, the frozen car won best dressed (ugh) but eh. What can you do?

Didn'the eat any fair food because the family was there, but that's okay because instead I went on a nice, long car ride with the guy I've started seeing recently and got to know him better, after having him drive me to Walmart for shortening for biscuits tomorrow!  It's nice to have someone trustworthy driving once in a while.

Just not those guys^^.

October 9th 2014

Yesterday I went on a date, it was pretty cool.
As a Canadian living in Ontario all of my life, I finally went up to the CN Tower after 25 years of not having done it but seeing at least once a year (so what? I like Toronto).
The first bubble is the general admin, but the second bubble was awesome and it was windy so you couldn't go outside.

We also went to the Ripley's Aquarium... Pretty place, very simple and for normal people. Not too much unabsorbable information. Wasn't enough information for me, but I have a bio degree so I'm not really surprised. Super pretty though!

I will say that it was super hard to get good pictures at the aquarium, because it was so dark. And the shark section flooded before we went so it was closed down... That is okay though because I get great pleasure from anemones.

September 30, 2014

So, in light of recent events, I've started a page in my smash book that is titled...well, it's less of a title and more of a sentiment.  It's a page with positive words used to describe me, particularly those to be used in light of the word "intimidating".
I don't find this to be a positive word but I've had it used to describe me repeatedly lately. Since I don't particularly do anything to be intimidating, my mom and I considered other words that people who don't have a large vocabulary may have meant.
So far, I have a few of these written down, to remind myself that all of these things together may seem intimidating to those who aren't of a similar nature, but more because -seriously- I have never purposely scared someone to make them do what I want them to which is the actual definition of "intimidate".
That's why I work in retail, because I have a golden tongue that can talk people into things. Not just that, but let's be serious. I'm just over 5' and 128 lbs. Intimidating? Really?

September 28 2014

Wow. Life moves so quickly, I've noticed. I always thought that it was because I was in school and working and doing all the other things I do... but apparently not. It's the end of September.

Holy.
This weekend was interesting, to say the least. Came up on an injured fellow having a seizure... stopped to help. Got blood on my skirt. Interestingly, my dad had the perfect answer: salt water. Apparently the salt breaks down the blood so that it doesn't stain in the wash.This makes sense given the way saltwater is known for lysing cells when you have an imbalance in your body. In any case, it worked, my skirt is super cute still.

Then I made this amazing recipe from fannetastic food (found it on Pinterest of course!) and Oh! To die for! I think it would be awesome, also, to dehydrate and bring camping because it's so choc full of awesome and it's heavy, you wouldn't need much of it to be full for the whole night even after a day of hard work.

I've been jogging a lot lately, trying to work my cardio up (after six years of lazy university me) so that I can get the career I want. Having a couple of issues controlling my appetite afterwards, and I'm not sure if it's dehydration, or if it's actual hunger. I'm not thirsty though, so probably it's my brain telling me that I exercised so I'm hungry even though I'm not. I also think that I'm going to try HIIT training alongside some weight training so that I can get the rest of me in shape; the pushups, situps and planks just don't seem to be enough. Maybe I'll start with that some more.
Crafts are coming. Been getting settled lately after being done uni, so I've been trying to find all my crafty things. Finally found my stamps, paper and glue! :D

What else? Not much. Back to normal music, some things just aren't worth working myself up over, and the music helped. Still helps. What helps more is the realization that I have a ridiculous amount of ambition and these people keep pulling me down. Just gonna keep on swimming, but on my own for a while. Not literally though, because it's getting cold out.
Hahahahaha. At 8pm it was 24 degrees Celsius.

Sometimes

Sleep is good. All we need is sleep. Weeks, and weeks of sleep to recuperate from the most harrowing experiences with other humans. Just sleep.
Why can't we sleep when we most need it?

How I feel part II

I realize that everything I feel is felt by others and I'm not alone when I just listen to the radio. Like, any of the following songs!

Ariana Grande- Problem
Yes. On so many levels. On several levels this summer. So many parts of this song. I feel like this must be a universal problem.

 Hedley- Heaven in our Headlights
"Tonight, I let you drive/ you can take me all the way..."
This is what I want, just to be able to find someone to trust enough to let them take the wheel.

P!nk- U+Ur Hand
"I'm not here for your entertainment/ You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second/ I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over/ Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money/ It's just you and your hand tonight."
 This is where I'm starting to get, and Pink is just one of those singers that I have to say is ridiculously real, so she'll be on here again.

Taylor Swift- You Belong With Me
Mhmm. Except so soft, I feel like these boys all just need a slap. So the next one?

Avril Lavigne-Girlfriend
Because yes. Except happy enough that it doesn't make me cry every time I hear it like most of the rest of these songs.Except that I'm not the emo one. And also not in high school anymore. 

Sam Smith- Stay with Me
"Why am I so emotional? No it's not a good look, gain some self control/ deep down I know this never works... but you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."
So many feels.

Lady Antebellum- Need you Now
 "Reaching for the phone 'cause I cant stand it anymore..."
Good, I'm not the only weak person out there who keeps screwing herself over and over repetitively even though she knows that it's stupid to repeat what hasn't changed.

Beyonce- Irreplaceable 
"So since I'm not your everything/ How about I'll be nothing nothing at all to you... Don't ever for a second get to thinking/ You're irreplaceable."
This one's more a "getting to" again. I wish I could be so empowered when life screws me over.

P!nk-  There You Go
"So you say you wanna talk, let's talk/ If you won't talk I'll walk/ Yeah it's like that, Got a new man/He's waiting out back... Please don't come around talking 'bout how you changed/ how you said goodbye to what's her name/ all it sounds like to me is new game."

Miranda Lambert- Mama's Broken Heart
"I numb the pain at the expense of my liver... Can't get revenge and keep a spotless reputation".
Because I feel like revenging. And there are lots of ways to do it, and this song makes me feel a little less like doing it because there are other people who need to be reminded to stop being silly. Also, she takes it out on her food and her liver in the video. It makes me feel better watching her kill her peas while I'm drinking my quarter of a 40 of whiskey.

Andee- Never Gone
"Inside your head it will be like I was never gone/ it won't be long/ before it feels like I was never gone..."
Again. Revenge. And I hope I am enough of an influence to incite this kind of regret.

Demi Lovato- Really Don't Care
Like the entire song. Seriously. I wish I was this strong, as well. I should embody it and just give it all up.
'Cause "Oh, oh, oh, I really don't care... You don't deserve to know the way I used to think about you."
"You can take your words and all your lies... oh, oh, oh, I really don't care".

Bonnie Tyler- Total Eclipse of the Heart
"Once upon a time I was falling in love/ Now I'm only falling apart"
 Because no one is actually as strong as Demi Lovato. Or because Demi already did her time listening to Beyonce and Bonnie Tyler.

Miley Cyrus-Wrecking Ball
"All you ever did was wreck me, yeah you, you wreck me... Don't you ever say I just walked away/ I will always want you".
Because I hate to admit it, but she's right. The video sucked though and didn't do much to validate the song, so just wait till it's on the radio and avoid it if you haven't seen it already. 

Adele-Someone Like You
"Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you"...
Fear is common apparently.

Pink Floyd- Comfortably Numb
Because that's a fallback song of mine. It's relatively comforting in a morose sort of way. When there's too many feels, the shutting down happens and has to. Humans can't deal with emotion that we can access. Too much.

Rihanna- Stay
The whole damn song. And not in a good way. In a why-am-I-so-damn-weak way.

Rihanna-Hate that I love You
The whole damn song. I feel like she needs to just write a book on avoiding these asshats of hers so the rest of us can follow suit. And while my cell phone is not a rotary phone, I feel that whole part of the video. To a point where screw it, because you didn't answer either.

Bruno Mars- Just the Way You Are
Because I'm better than this. I deserve a man who thinks this about me. I do, honestly.And yes I want to be told every day. And no, I won't believe him. But I want it. And why can't I just have it? And why do the ones who screw you over do it the most?


See? There are like, hundreds. I'm not the only one, certainly, if people are famous and making these songs.

This is a long and thoughtful writing post with no crafts. Be warned.

This is about to get really serious for a moment with some thoughts, so fair warning. I don't have a diary and can't really get into keeping one either, but don't have a more private place to put a thought process than the place that no one reads.

Something I've been thinking about lately is hope. Some people spend their entire lives living off of the hope that something good will happen. I am happy that they can make it based on the possibility that something is coming their way. They have figured out true happiness, because nothing needs to be done to make them happier, they are content just knowing that it is possible.
Suppose, though, that like me you are a not-optimist. Not saying I'm a pessimist, because I still have hope, but hope just doesn't make me happy like that. Now, I feel like hope in a case where I stand is silly. Where I know that it is unrealistic hope and I know that nothing will come of it, but then I hope anyway because that's what we're taught to do in our culture. And now, I hope so I lose sight of what is happening and don't grasp what could be because hope still is. Sometimes, this makes me feel like we're stupid for hoping.
Because nothing ever changes-nor is it likely to.
I'm not really depressed at the moment, don't get me wrong. More like trying to talk myself out of hope, since hoping keeps hurting me and it's getting old fast, but it keeps welling up from some stupid hope fountain that I never really thought that I had inside.
Usually, science rules all. Logic makes sense.
Have you heard about the moving stones, or sailing stones? After 50 years, they finally figured out what makes them move through logic and photography.
But this stupid hope keeps erupting.
 It's not like regular hope either.
I hope I become an RCMP officer some day. I know that I can do it if I put my mind to it and control my own destiny. I know that I will succeed if I want it badly enough.
I hope that I can make a fulfilling life for myself, leaving some good in the world. I know that I can do that depending on my behaviours.
I hope that I find someone who completes the other half of me but if I don't, I know that I won't spend weeks wondering why and how everything is wrong and everything feels incomplete. I know that I can settle for anyone and make a go of it without perfection.
But hopes that depend on others also hoping are hard to ensure. They're impossible to control. I don't know. I can't do it myself. I feel like these are the hopes we're supposed to get used to being unfulfilled while we're kids and making cow eyes over superstars who don't know that a 12 year old exists. I don't think that I ever did that, though, so maybe I'm just no good at realizing what these hopes were until it was too late and they were unfulfilled.
Don't these hopes just set us up for failure, because we have to depend on someone else to complete them? Don't they make us weaker, because we can't possibly help them to become reality but then we can't get rid of the hope?

I just feel like this is something that needs to be addressed as a weakness in human emotions and connections.

One more point for the Borg.

June 2, 2014

Moved in with my grandparents since I graduate on Wednesday... school is done, time to find a job. What a joke!
In any case, food got so much better now that I have pretty much unlimited resources. It also means that I suddenly gained back 10 of the 30 I had lost. Unhappy about that a little bit... but I'm working on it. At least it was pleasant food that I was gaining it back for.
Speaking of, I made chicken shish kebabs for dinner tonight. Mmmm...

Again, it's good food.

Been a little bit busy lately, what with this being the end of school and also a new someone and stuff.

Over the course of like, three weeks, I actually made one whole card for a bestie. Not beastie. Bestie.
It is the first time I have used vellum, and I think that I may continue to, since I like working with it. I will however have to find better markers (maybe a sharpie?) to keep it from smudging, as mine did around the lettering even after I'd let it dry for 5 minutes (which, by the way, almost ended up being minuets, which is a social dance that is primarily French).

Here it is:

Hand drawn and painted balloons, hand drawn text and some "BIRTHDAY" stickers.
Happy Beeday, Bestie!*edit* which is tomorrow, of course. I just happen to be going to where she lives today.

Cutest Shoes I've Seen in A While

I am clearly late in handing in an assignment and also have another due Monday, because here I am, blogging.
SHOES:

How cute are these? Love them. Apparently I'll have to work on my feet, though, because they've become awfully vein-y.

February 2, 2014.

Well, now that I only have one job, am single, and am one month into the 2014, I suppose that I should start blogging again.

I have a birthday coming up, and when I googled "birthday day ideas for self", this is what came up in the image search:

I'd say that's about right.

I'm impressed with how well Google knows me! Also... I wonder if I could make that?

Not brave enough to jump, too rebellious not to fall// going on hiatus for a few days

Hey,
     so i have decided that i need a break for a few days. i'm beginning to feel a little bit... down... again. as a result, i'm taking a few more days off of everything that isn't absolutely necessary in order to recoup my losses and figure out where i'm going next. perhaps it's about time for another counselor appointment after all. need to figure out where i am in life, and how to proceed.
                    nifzeta

Woah. Busy.

I know I haven't been around, I know. I've been lax on the crafting, too. Working on some things for people, some cards in the time I put aside for crafting (often overlapping with "hanging out" with friends that are long overdue for visits, since school's essay and reading requirements picked up).

I decided to paint my nails this morning while reading about caddisfly larvae for a lab I did:

Sparkly snowman.

And I have been making cards:

See? I haven't been dead.

But I've been working like insane hours. This is how much I made in two weeks-- plus I went to school full time, keep that in mind. Also, I make minimum wage, and get full taxes taken off:

Bonus points if you figure out how much I took out as cash when I deposited my first cheque.

I suppose that I'm paying for my sin of greed (as that's generally what makes me work the hours that I do)*, though, as I feel drained, tired, uncaring, guilty and a little bit depressed that this is what my life is, and that I have to do this in order to keep up on my bills.
But, I'm making it. I'm doing what I have to do. I'm doing it to make a better life. And that's what I have to think about.



*I would like to point out that I also work two jobs: One at a bookstore and one at a large electronics retailer. They're both great jobs, but both are "temporary" positions. I was originally applying to the electronics job to make up for the expected loss of the bookstore job, but the bookstore underwent some intense internal changes and actually required that I along with a coworker stay to help out, so technically I suppose that you could consider that as not guilt but an attempt to help, but I think it's mostly greed on my part.

Another day, another dollar. Also, one day closer to being finished.

 Last two weeks of school and then Christmas break! Then, just to work and make some money. Then OSAP comes in January and I start my last semester of University (pleasepleasepleaseplease).

I'm writing essays today (and tomorrow) (and this weekend) (and this whole coming week) (okay, I just started one, but I decided that I needed an inspiration first, so I thought that I'd write a blog post. and then save it to publish later, since I wrote one this morning).

Things I need while writing essays (within arm's reach):

Lip Balm

Pens and Calculator (this one's my faithful Ti-83 from high school. Like, grade 9.

Tea! Tea! Tea! This one's an herbal one by Celestial, called gingerbread or something like that.

My iPod. Classic, 80 GB. Also from high school, but like grade 10 ish? Haven't upgraded because, why?

Waterbottle (s). Because for some reason I always realize how thirsty I am while writing essays. Probably because I'm bored.

My laptop. Because it's my writing instrument. The pens are just for show. 

A little bit awol

Well, guys, I'm a little bit busy at the moment.
I blame it on the fact that I'm working 30-35 hours a week, as well as going to school full time and live out of my parents house so I happened to miss out on that awesome "free food" and "only 1/3 of the normal chore base" that keeping house requires.
Basically, it snowed and stayed for the first time last night, and this is how I live it:

This is outside, through my window. Oh, at 7:00 am. I'm already dressed and showered because I work at 9:30 and have class at 1, but haven't quite gotten the stack of readings done.
I'm definitely dropping this prof's class next semester. It's already one I've semi-taken anyway.

Anyway, I'm out. Got these Nubian dentition to read about. Whoop-dee.

To start what should have been before...

In recognition of myself not actually having real goals painted out, I have decided to start a bucket list on my pinterest. So far: I am going to do a canoe trip in the backcountry Kawartha Highlands park this summer.
    Here's my board: http://www.pinterest.com/nifzeta/bucket-list/
Because, seriously. I only have two things on it. 1) camping. 2) graduate.
 Nice... Wheeee! Gonna figure out what I like. I wish I had a phone that could do pinterest so that I could do it when I think of things I want to do.

Old Habits Die Hard

Haven't done one of these in uh... about six years? Maybe seven or eight? It seems kind of silly especially since I got into the sciences (where this stuff is generally all disproven) but for some reason, I always feel like there's more information about what I'm looking for in these cards than people around me can help me with when I need it. For such an old problem, it's about time I pulled this out again. It's only fitting, when it concerns what it does. If nothing else, it gives me a place to start thinking about problems where I was running in circles before.

This is a standard 5 card spread, for decision making, where each card has a meaning in relation to another card, except for the centre one which tells you the answer to the problem that's been weighing on the mind lately... namely when you were laying the cards out.

Now how do I go about doing this? It's not that clear...
I for some reason have "Do I Creep You Out" by Weird Al stuck in my head at the moment. Awkward. And ridiculously valid, given the circumstances.
Heh.

I finally found something that I don't have, the simplest of things...

A white gel pen!
What possessed me to not have one?
Oh well. I'll have to go buy one while I'm in the city tomorrow before school... or maybe after. Depends on what happens to my homework tomorrow. Mornings aren't always good for me.
Speaking of, all summer I couldn't find a job. Then I worked temporarily(*) at a bookstore in my university, then I got a job at a big tech retailer (which I love).
(*) Then they called me back a few times and kept giving me work, and left me on the pay roll. Now they need me to keep working. Which I also love.

In short, boy, am I glad that I started all of my Christmas craft presents early and have one finished completely, because boy, would I be screwed elsewise.

Cleaning?!

Today I finally gave up. After a mess of a lifetime on my desk, I cleared it all off and put what I could away. It was mostly loose scrapping paper, and loose quilting fabric that I just hadn't bothered to put away. Also, I gave my spare monitor to the other in the computer, since I just use my lappy all of the time. It cleared off my desk quite well, comparatively.
Ta Da!

Tomorrow, work followed by homework... on my nice, clean desk!

We have entered November: NANOWRIMO!!
Also, all of the papers are suddenly due. Like, within the next three weeks. Only 5 weeks of this term are left. Then exams. Then my last term of university! Yay! (more like terrifying).
While I did not celebrate Halloween by drinking (I had two papers due, a class at 9 am the next day and a lab finding caddisfly larvae in a stream (yes, on November 1st, in Canada)) I did go to dance where I dressed up for the night:

I was a dolly. Last minute decision to dress up. I have been itching to try the makeup for this one for about two years now, anyway.
Well, now that I've updated this blog, I'm off to finish writing a 2500 word essay about insects that spread infectious diseases (vectors) that are likely to be affected by global warming in the next hundred years or so. Be warned about Chagas' disease!