This is about to get really serious for a moment with some thoughts, so fair warning. I don't have a diary and can't really get into keeping one either, but don't have a more private place to put a thought process than the place that no one reads.
Something I've been thinking about lately is hope. Some people spend their entire lives living off of the hope that something good will happen. I am happy that they can make it based on the possibility that something is coming their way. They have figured out true happiness, because nothing needs to be done to make them happier, they are content just knowing that it is possible.
Suppose, though, that like me you are a not-optimist. Not saying I'm a pessimist, because I still have hope, but hope just doesn't make me happy like that. Now, I feel like hope in a case where I stand is silly. Where I know that it is unrealistic hope and I know that nothing will come of it, but then I hope anyway because that's what we're taught to do in our culture. And now, I hope so I lose sight of what is happening and don't grasp what could be because hope still is. Sometimes, this makes me feel like we're stupid for hoping.
Because nothing ever changes-nor is it likely to.
I'm not really depressed at the moment, don't get me wrong. More like trying to talk myself out of hope, since hoping keeps hurting me and it's getting old fast, but it keeps welling up from some stupid hope fountain that I never really thought that I had inside.
Usually, science rules all. Logic makes sense.
Have you heard about the moving stones, or sailing stones? After 50 years, they finally figured out what makes them move through logic and photography.
But this stupid hope keeps erupting.
It's not like regular hope either.
I hope I become an RCMP officer some day. I know that I can do it if I put my mind to it and control my own destiny. I know that I will succeed if I want it badly enough.
I hope that I can make a fulfilling life for myself, leaving some good in the world. I know that I can do that depending on my behaviours.
I hope that I find someone who completes the other half of me but if I don't, I know that I won't spend weeks wondering why and how everything is wrong and everything feels incomplete. I know that I can settle for anyone and make a go of it without perfection.
But hopes that depend on others also hoping are hard to ensure. They're impossible to control. I don't know. I can't do it myself. I feel like these are the hopes we're supposed to get used to being unfulfilled while we're kids and making cow eyes over superstars who don't know that a 12 year old exists. I don't think that I ever did that, though, so maybe I'm just no good at realizing what these hopes were until it was too late and they were unfulfilled.
Don't these hopes just set us up for failure, because we have to depend on someone else to complete them? Don't they make us weaker, because we can't possibly help them to become reality but then we can't get rid of the hope?
I just feel like this is something that needs to be addressed as a weakness in human emotions and connections.
One more point for the Borg.
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