September 30, 2014

So, in light of recent events, I've started a page in my smash book that is titled...well, it's less of a title and more of a sentiment.  It's a page with positive words used to describe me, particularly those to be used in light of the word "intimidating".
I don't find this to be a positive word but I've had it used to describe me repeatedly lately. Since I don't particularly do anything to be intimidating, my mom and I considered other words that people who don't have a large vocabulary may have meant.
So far, I have a few of these written down, to remind myself that all of these things together may seem intimidating to those who aren't of a similar nature, but more because -seriously- I have never purposely scared someone to make them do what I want them to which is the actual definition of "intimidate".
That's why I work in retail, because I have a golden tongue that can talk people into things. Not just that, but let's be serious. I'm just over 5' and 128 lbs. Intimidating? Really?

September 28 2014

Wow. Life moves so quickly, I've noticed. I always thought that it was because I was in school and working and doing all the other things I do... but apparently not. It's the end of September.

Holy.
This weekend was interesting, to say the least. Came up on an injured fellow having a seizure... stopped to help. Got blood on my skirt. Interestingly, my dad had the perfect answer: salt water. Apparently the salt breaks down the blood so that it doesn't stain in the wash.This makes sense given the way saltwater is known for lysing cells when you have an imbalance in your body. In any case, it worked, my skirt is super cute still.

Then I made this amazing recipe from fannetastic food (found it on Pinterest of course!) and Oh! To die for! I think it would be awesome, also, to dehydrate and bring camping because it's so choc full of awesome and it's heavy, you wouldn't need much of it to be full for the whole night even after a day of hard work.

I've been jogging a lot lately, trying to work my cardio up (after six years of lazy university me) so that I can get the career I want. Having a couple of issues controlling my appetite afterwards, and I'm not sure if it's dehydration, or if it's actual hunger. I'm not thirsty though, so probably it's my brain telling me that I exercised so I'm hungry even though I'm not. I also think that I'm going to try HIIT training alongside some weight training so that I can get the rest of me in shape; the pushups, situps and planks just don't seem to be enough. Maybe I'll start with that some more.
Crafts are coming. Been getting settled lately after being done uni, so I've been trying to find all my crafty things. Finally found my stamps, paper and glue! :D

What else? Not much. Back to normal music, some things just aren't worth working myself up over, and the music helped. Still helps. What helps more is the realization that I have a ridiculous amount of ambition and these people keep pulling me down. Just gonna keep on swimming, but on my own for a while. Not literally though, because it's getting cold out.
Hahahahaha. At 8pm it was 24 degrees Celsius.

Sometimes

Sleep is good. All we need is sleep. Weeks, and weeks of sleep to recuperate from the most harrowing experiences with other humans. Just sleep.
Why can't we sleep when we most need it?

How I feel part II

I realize that everything I feel is felt by others and I'm not alone when I just listen to the radio. Like, any of the following songs!

Ariana Grande- Problem
Yes. On so many levels. On several levels this summer. So many parts of this song. I feel like this must be a universal problem.

 Hedley- Heaven in our Headlights
"Tonight, I let you drive/ you can take me all the way..."
This is what I want, just to be able to find someone to trust enough to let them take the wheel.

P!nk- U+Ur Hand
"I'm not here for your entertainment/ You don't really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second/ I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it's over/ Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money/ It's just you and your hand tonight."
 This is where I'm starting to get, and Pink is just one of those singers that I have to say is ridiculously real, so she'll be on here again.

Taylor Swift- You Belong With Me
Mhmm. Except so soft, I feel like these boys all just need a slap. So the next one?

Avril Lavigne-Girlfriend
Because yes. Except happy enough that it doesn't make me cry every time I hear it like most of the rest of these songs.Except that I'm not the emo one. And also not in high school anymore. 

Sam Smith- Stay with Me
"Why am I so emotional? No it's not a good look, gain some self control/ deep down I know this never works... but you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt."
So many feels.

Lady Antebellum- Need you Now
 "Reaching for the phone 'cause I cant stand it anymore..."
Good, I'm not the only weak person out there who keeps screwing herself over and over repetitively even though she knows that it's stupid to repeat what hasn't changed.

Beyonce- Irreplaceable 
"So since I'm not your everything/ How about I'll be nothing nothing at all to you... Don't ever for a second get to thinking/ You're irreplaceable."
This one's more a "getting to" again. I wish I could be so empowered when life screws me over.

P!nk-  There You Go
"So you say you wanna talk, let's talk/ If you won't talk I'll walk/ Yeah it's like that, Got a new man/He's waiting out back... Please don't come around talking 'bout how you changed/ how you said goodbye to what's her name/ all it sounds like to me is new game."

Miranda Lambert- Mama's Broken Heart
"I numb the pain at the expense of my liver... Can't get revenge and keep a spotless reputation".
Because I feel like revenging. And there are lots of ways to do it, and this song makes me feel a little less like doing it because there are other people who need to be reminded to stop being silly. Also, she takes it out on her food and her liver in the video. It makes me feel better watching her kill her peas while I'm drinking my quarter of a 40 of whiskey.

Andee- Never Gone
"Inside your head it will be like I was never gone/ it won't be long/ before it feels like I was never gone..."
Again. Revenge. And I hope I am enough of an influence to incite this kind of regret.

Demi Lovato- Really Don't Care
Like the entire song. Seriously. I wish I was this strong, as well. I should embody it and just give it all up.
'Cause "Oh, oh, oh, I really don't care... You don't deserve to know the way I used to think about you."
"You can take your words and all your lies... oh, oh, oh, I really don't care".

Bonnie Tyler- Total Eclipse of the Heart
"Once upon a time I was falling in love/ Now I'm only falling apart"
 Because no one is actually as strong as Demi Lovato. Or because Demi already did her time listening to Beyonce and Bonnie Tyler.

Miley Cyrus-Wrecking Ball
"All you ever did was wreck me, yeah you, you wreck me... Don't you ever say I just walked away/ I will always want you".
Because I hate to admit it, but she's right. The video sucked though and didn't do much to validate the song, so just wait till it's on the radio and avoid it if you haven't seen it already. 

Adele-Someone Like You
"Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you"...
Fear is common apparently.

Pink Floyd- Comfortably Numb
Because that's a fallback song of mine. It's relatively comforting in a morose sort of way. When there's too many feels, the shutting down happens and has to. Humans can't deal with emotion that we can access. Too much.

Rihanna- Stay
The whole damn song. And not in a good way. In a why-am-I-so-damn-weak way.

Rihanna-Hate that I love You
The whole damn song. I feel like she needs to just write a book on avoiding these asshats of hers so the rest of us can follow suit. And while my cell phone is not a rotary phone, I feel that whole part of the video. To a point where screw it, because you didn't answer either.

Bruno Mars- Just the Way You Are
Because I'm better than this. I deserve a man who thinks this about me. I do, honestly.And yes I want to be told every day. And no, I won't believe him. But I want it. And why can't I just have it? And why do the ones who screw you over do it the most?


See? There are like, hundreds. I'm not the only one, certainly, if people are famous and making these songs.

This is a long and thoughtful writing post with no crafts. Be warned.

This is about to get really serious for a moment with some thoughts, so fair warning. I don't have a diary and can't really get into keeping one either, but don't have a more private place to put a thought process than the place that no one reads.

Something I've been thinking about lately is hope. Some people spend their entire lives living off of the hope that something good will happen. I am happy that they can make it based on the possibility that something is coming their way. They have figured out true happiness, because nothing needs to be done to make them happier, they are content just knowing that it is possible.
Suppose, though, that like me you are a not-optimist. Not saying I'm a pessimist, because I still have hope, but hope just doesn't make me happy like that. Now, I feel like hope in a case where I stand is silly. Where I know that it is unrealistic hope and I know that nothing will come of it, but then I hope anyway because that's what we're taught to do in our culture. And now, I hope so I lose sight of what is happening and don't grasp what could be because hope still is. Sometimes, this makes me feel like we're stupid for hoping.
Because nothing ever changes-nor is it likely to.
I'm not really depressed at the moment, don't get me wrong. More like trying to talk myself out of hope, since hoping keeps hurting me and it's getting old fast, but it keeps welling up from some stupid hope fountain that I never really thought that I had inside.
Usually, science rules all. Logic makes sense.
Have you heard about the moving stones, or sailing stones? After 50 years, they finally figured out what makes them move through logic and photography.
But this stupid hope keeps erupting.
 It's not like regular hope either.
I hope I become an RCMP officer some day. I know that I can do it if I put my mind to it and control my own destiny. I know that I will succeed if I want it badly enough.
I hope that I can make a fulfilling life for myself, leaving some good in the world. I know that I can do that depending on my behaviours.
I hope that I find someone who completes the other half of me but if I don't, I know that I won't spend weeks wondering why and how everything is wrong and everything feels incomplete. I know that I can settle for anyone and make a go of it without perfection.
But hopes that depend on others also hoping are hard to ensure. They're impossible to control. I don't know. I can't do it myself. I feel like these are the hopes we're supposed to get used to being unfulfilled while we're kids and making cow eyes over superstars who don't know that a 12 year old exists. I don't think that I ever did that, though, so maybe I'm just no good at realizing what these hopes were until it was too late and they were unfulfilled.
Don't these hopes just set us up for failure, because we have to depend on someone else to complete them? Don't they make us weaker, because we can't possibly help them to become reality but then we can't get rid of the hope?

I just feel like this is something that needs to be addressed as a weakness in human emotions and connections.

One more point for the Borg.