May 23, 2011

You know, sometimes I get remarkably depressed. I'm not really sure why, exactly.
When I'm depressed, things just seem... insurmountable. And infinite. And exceedingly important.
Little things, like the three books that are not where I need them to be exactly when I need them. Or someone who asks where the clearly labeled changing rooms are when they're directly beside them. Or people who use guilt and the "children all packed up and driven over to the north end" excuse.

I have a hard time explaining why. Sometimes I don't even notice that it's exciting me. Then I get rage-y. I feel angry, I lash out at those around me. I yell and I curse at people, and I come up with the most awful ways to be passive aggressive. I throw things. Purposely. I throw temper tantrums. Like a little kid.

This all usually starts with me waking up in not a bad mood, but a stale mood. Just an uncaring sort of mood. It's flat. There is little thought. This stale mood of uncaring sometimes lasts a few days before I realize that I don't care. Sometimes I don't realize I was feeling like that until I get very angry and hit another step.
I don't know where this mood comes from either. It just seems to pop up from nowhere.

Sometimes it's hard to explain these feelings, especially to people who don't know them personally. Sometimes it's hard to explain because I'm not feeling them, and when I'm not, I can hardly remember what they're like. But when I feel them, I often don't want to talk about them or feel that they are of no consequence, or they are childish, or that they are something that isn't normal.

I think that's wrong, though. I think that maybe a lot of people in lives similar to mine feel like that. I also think that a lot of people do not get help. Further, I think that the help that they do get is less than help, and more confusing and enraging.

In counseling, which I do now, I have been learning to redirect my anger. To find things that I like to do, in order to distract, calm, and divert that anger.
I think that a lot of people could use this information.
But more, I think that people need to know that there are other people who feel this way too.

Anyway, I just wanted to make the notation that I watched a movie today that kind of applies to this whole thing: It's Kind of A Funny Story.
Ignore the reviews and such--Just watch the movie. I for one felt that it was both entertaining and enlightening. Perhaps a little screwy at the end--I'm just too pessimistic to agree with the ending now. But enlightening, and I can relate. So I like it.