September 29, 2008

Wow. Some people...

Ahahaha. That's all I can say. Hellloooo guys: My face, it's about a foot above where you're looking. Thanks. :D

And then people wonder why I wear big sweaters and 'boy jeans' all the time. I can't help it if you decide to show up at my room at seven thirty at night... I don't like wearing my clothes if I don't have to. So I'll take off the sweaters and switch to pj pants. But don't look at me like that. Thank you.
I'll tell you when you can, if you can, admire me. And then and only then will I allow it.

And that's the way it should be, as long as I'm fending for myself and am not married to anyone.

So there.

September 25, 2008

Today is Linck's bday. She's old. Haha.
Kidding.
Anyway, that's just my random shoutouts. Shout out? Shouter? Yeah. Shouter.
It looks really dumb though. Not catchy enough.
So, anyway, as of the end of this week, I have lived in dorm for a month and still haven't even met anyone that wasn't a creeper or "just a friend".
Kids, I'm sure that someone, somewhere is having sex or is currently in the blissful aftermath of passion on campus, but let me tell you: it certainly isn't me.
I mean, I definitely don't help myself much--I'm starting to get disapproving stares from my friend who lives in the other dorm across the way. She seems to want me to get out and meet guys. She always has an opinion on who it is that wants to "bone me" as she likes to put it.

I understand earlier, that I was making myself unavailable, but sometimes I wonder if I just missed the class on how to flirt?
Because even if I know that a guy's flirting with me, it makes it that much harder to go along with it. I just can't do it. It then makes me want to laugh at them and I can't take them seriously. Really.

I guess I'll give up for now. I've lost the battle, but I damn well have not lost the war.

September 22, 2008

I don't think I've ever done homework before, and I'm doing it now... I hate it.
Anyway, I just would like to say that sylver's right: I will never be able to go two weeks without some form of attention, because I'm just like that. It's kind of sad. I need some things, and I refuse to go without, damnit! I am a pretty good looking girl, I think. I should get some a lot.
Damn this emotion thing. Damn it to hell...
Mmm... popcorn. ! I have vinegar in my purse from mcdonald's! Woot!
*munch, munch*
I wish Pitcher was single.
I've been thinking about him but I don't know if it's because I'm single or because it really truly struck home that he's the only person who noticed I wasn't quite right last week without me saying something about it...?
I don't know. But now, I hate myself for thinking what I've been thinking. So, scratch that, damn me for thinking bad things, and back to my popcorn and accounting homework.

September 22, 2008

Joe from Oshawa is a good man.
He helped me when my car was all messed up. I think I should have given him some money... but I didn't. I feel bad because I didn't, but that's okay, I guess. Next time, if ever I see him again, I will for sure.
I dunno, my car just started overheating and steaming while I was on the 401 just outside of Oshawa--considering I've driven about a thousand kilometres--no lie-- since Friday, I'd say that's understandable.
Basically, I overheated and steamed all my water out of my rad. I only bought one bottle of water from timmie's and Mr. Joe from Oshawa helped me a)find the place to put the water and b)put more water in, since he brough me a whole thing of it.
And then he showed me where the 401 was.

I think I have had my faith restored in humanity, once again. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am much happier in that silly little problem I have with trusting people. I tend to do it far too often and it gets me into trouble, but sometimes, sometimes it's just worth it.

On the other side, the what...
Let's see how much time I actually did spend in a car this weekend:
Drive Leanne to Mike's: 45 mins one way, and then I drove back to Trent; 1.30 hrs altogether.
Drive home from Trent: 2:45 mins one way
Drive to my house from Grandma's: 20 mins.
Drive to Western University/around the campus: 3.30 mins one way.
Drive home from western: 3.30 mins one way.
Drive to Grama's: 20 mins.
Drive back to Trent University: 4 hours(because a) I broke down in Oshawa and b) it's still construction season in Canada.)
Drive Leanne home from Mike's: 45 mins one way, and then I drove back to Trent; 1:30 hours all together.
Soooo.... In Three? Four days? I've spent: 1045 minutes in the car which is: seventeen hours and forty-two minutes in the car. Just a general number, too, not including any in between trips that were actually less time.
Wow. I love University. I get to drive, everywhere. And next weekend will be JUST as awesome. Cool, eh?

Anyway, in the seventeen hours and forty-two minutes I've spent in the car, I've had a lot of time by myself to think how much I'm not interested in a crazy relationhip. I don't want someone that's all over the place. I don't want drama. I'm not interested in it. I want someone who's familiar, who I don't have to change for, who I won't expect to change for me. I want someone who's going to be normal; who understands my mood patterns enough to know when I'm pissed off and when I just need alone time. Or when I just need a good slap on the hand and a warning because I'm being a bitch.
And I'm sick of fighting for guys. I am so sick of having to worry all the time. I want someone that I can trust. I want someone who I won't have to bare my teeth to. I also want a looker. I want someone who can match me in looks. I'm not that bad looking, and I know it. I can look really good when I want to. Unfortunately, that makes me vain. And it makes me have standards for my men.

And like I said to Pitcher, the one thing I've realized is that I'm following my own past; history is repeating. Hopefully the next guy I get will be like the one I got after backcatcher: another Pitcher. Only this time, I'm not going to screw it up. Because I've seen the pattern. I've seen the way it is.
And I know that maybe, just maybe this time, I won't take it for granted because although my history in man order is repeating, the way I understand and process the loss of men is changing, which means I'm much more stable. I'd like to think that I might even be a little more on the sane, mature side. I just don't know if that's pushing it.

Because yes, I still wear socks with elephants on them for fun.
To rugby.
With a Pink Floyd tee shirt on top.

And anyone I date has to understand that, because I'm not babying them anymore, and I'm not going to attach myself to their waists anymore. I'm old enough to know that I can make decisions on my own.
So.
There.

Also thought about what to do for a house this summer... not sure I'm going home. I might see if I can stay in Peterborough.
It would be nice.
Also: about a house in the future. I wonder if Sylver and Pitcher would get together and design me a house? I'd love them both forever if they did that... ahaa. It'd be a house from a dream. With Pitcher's design schematics and invention and Sylver's methodology and ingenuity (especially with how well she knows me), I'd say that that would be the most kickass house in the world. Ever. Seriously. I'd have to think about moving away if I got that house...
Tata. I have some Latin to do, and a house and naked baseball players to think about, here.

September 17 2008

I value nothing more than truth. Honesty. Loyalty.
Does no one else?
Is there no other who does?
And if there are, as I'm sure there are, more people in the world who do also, then why do they never come out and announce it as such.
I shout it to the roofs that litter this dark world of cold suffering that we are to succumb to should this disease not be swept away, and I scream it to the heavens: Why should this be so difficult to locate? Why is it so damn impossible to find someone who agrees?

I value nothing more than truth. Honesty Loyalty.
So why do I keep finding the exact opposites?

I feel as though someoneis playing a game with my mind. With my person.

And I hate this game.

September 15 2008

So, the most frustrating thing that I have ever discovered, is being stretched too thin. I have been in a position where I am working three jobs and going to school full time and playing rugby, and had a boyfriend on top of that, and I wasn't stretched too thin. I have been in a position where I had absolutely no money, but always some way to get what I needed, and never have had a problem with it. I have had so much to do that I forgot to sleep.
And I have survived.

But I don't know how long this will last.
I have no money, no job, I'm on a varsity rugby team, and I go to school full time. I live at school.
And it is the hardest time that I have ever had. I frequently am forgetting to sleep, I am generally headachey, slightly nauseous, and am always hopped up on coffee. I'm not sure that the food here is good at all, in fact, I'm rather disappointed at how disgustingly oily EVERYTHING is. Even the salads are hard to make healthy.
But the thing is, that I always had support. I always figured out a way to get what I need. And I can't do it anymore. It's so hard to understand.
I can't get a loan because I have no credit. I have no credit because I can't get a loan because I have no credit.
It's an unerring cycle that's bullshit.
I need a co-signer but no one can co-sign because everyone I know is in financial worry. No one is in a position to do so.

And they took away my osap, so I can't afford my school books, let alone my insurance for my car to get back to where I live or my food for those days when the friggen caf's are only open when I need to be at rugby.
And God help me if I want to have a life.
I can't afford it. Ahahaah. Mom, you didn't need to spot me twenty dollars for that pub card. I have no money. I can't afford to drink.
Fuck. I'm going to be a prostitute.
They make money that's not taxed AND it's not half bad work. Ahahahahaaahahahaa... Oh, that just made me laugh. I think I've hit that point of exhaustion where not only am I tired, but I'm coming into illogical suggestions. Hahahahaahahahaahahahaa. Aah. Ah. AaAh. Hehe. Haaaah. Now I'm good. I'm good.

September 13, 2008

So, it's saturday. I've done half my homework. It's only five o'clock, but supper's soon.
And, I'm not over the boy, but I can be if he decides that he's not into me. I'll understand, because I'm a nutbar. It's true. I'd understand if I was single for the rest of my life. I'm a control freak with anal-retentive tendencies.
And, above that, I become obsessed and single out one idea.
It's not something that I can change, I've done it all my life. I was really, really, really good at school until I switched the idea over to boys. It's because I could only focus on school. I had no personal life, no idea on how to meet and greet, and most of all, I had no concept of normalcy.
But no longer. While I am still sort of interested in school, I am more centred on one guy. And that scares them off, obviously, creating the need to meet and collect another boy. Soooo... Yeah. I'm screwed, is all I can say. But I still like him. It's just unlikely that I'll be able to keep him. Too bad.
But maybe I'll see if he still wants me and then I'll go from there. I'll see what I can do to tone myself down, because I'm starting to scare me.

September 12, 2008

I have had my day made... I love theatre. But I'm not an actor, they're weird. I'm a dancer.
Aah, the jokes just aren't as good anymore. I mean, I love it, but no one gets it when I say it at school. Seriously. Kinda sucks.
I miss the play. We all were happy, if not overworked and seriously tired. But that coffee thing stuck with me, and now I pee thirty times a day because I never drink water, justcoffee... can't be good for my system. hahaha.
*sigh* so, I'm not upset about Jeremy, but I am kind of curious as to what he thinks. I don't know. I do know that I act like a kid in relationships, which is bad and annoying. But oh well. Why do I suck in any sort of relationship--here, I'm naming a relationship simply the behavioural tendencies between two people, not necessarily the tendency between a dating couple (Since I'm not dating him).
Anyway, I still don't get along with people. Oh! Crap! My car's parked too close to the thing. Damnit. I have to go move that. Bye!

Sept. 11/08

Well, it's happened.
I'm getting nervous about the guy I like. Just because we're so far away, and I never see him, and we're not actually dating... there's so much that just seems so stupid that I worry about but I also worry regardless of whether or not I actually mean anything and am wasting my time thinking about him and not expanding my networks outward. I think I'm going to make some friends. I can't keep this up. I'm making myself stress about going on with him all the time, because I can accept neither loss nor defeat well.
I hate this. I just want to know that he thinks about me half as much as I do about him.
God. I hate men. I want constant reassurance that maybe, maybe I'm not nuts. Maybe, maybe they actually kind of like me when I like them. Because I know that guys move around, I know that they lose interest, and I have no faith in them, ever.
I hate the one who did this to me, the most, I think.
I hate being the way that I am.
I think I am going to go watch a few dane cook skits, just because I'm that unhappy.
See you later.

September 10/08

September 09/08

Soooo, school has a bit more homework then I've EVER done in my life. EVER. no lie. I went to Westmount, and I've never ever had to do this much homework at any given tme. And from the looks of it, it's not going to stop any time soon. It's the first week. I was up until three last night working on Greek. Granted, I had gone over to Leanne's right after rugby and wasted an hour. Granted, I didn't have any books to work on during the day. However, it's a lot busier then I ever suspected that it would be. Holy cow.

September 9, 2008

Well, today was the frst day of classes. Not so hard. Greek was something that I've never done, so it was the new class, and I've done Latin so I'm ahead of a lot of the other students.
My anthropology prof basically said that she was going to try to teach us to look from the other side of the fence. Instead of just thinking "euw, cannibalism", we'd look at WHY the cannibals believe in it and try to understand from their pov.
Since I've learned to do that and have been since well before high school, this being one of the reasons that I left my first high school--there were several conversations when I realized that gifted doesn't necessarily mean open-minded-- and since I have already developed this skill, I figure that my opinions will be well developed and that this class may, in fact, be something that I will enjoy very, very much.
Tomorrow I take a history class (which I haven't done since grade ten), and an accounting class, which I have always promised that I actually hate but continue taking since I was kicked out of the conflicting social science, saying that I would ever pass accounting since it was math.
Boy, was I wrong. It quickly became a love-hate relationship. I hate it, it gives me hell, but it's a puzzle and I never want to give the puzzles up because it's like a game of logic. "Why is there a problem? I don't know, let's backtrack. Well, it's transposed down in the final number, so something has to be wrong here."
It's actually really amusing. Kind of sad, yes, but true also. :P
I know, the little things I think are really not intelligent. But I like it. :D

Other than that, I miss my (wrong word to use under the circumstances? Should he be known as "the" since he's not in my posession, technically? Yeah, I'm gonna milk this. This will be pointed out at every possible damned moment until it is rectified...) man-meat, and I suppose that it happens. Especially with me. He'll be around the weekend I come home, though, so that's nice. I'll get some. :P
I get to make a cake with Silver! Yesss! It will be an awesome cake.
Mmmmm... Cake. Tasty. I didn't eat much dinner. I won't et breakfast. But anyway, I should be doing my Greek. So I guess I'll get on that.
Uh oh. My computer's getting super-hot. It's nearly always on. Maybe I should start shutting it down??

September 7, 2008

I wrote this whole list of my downfalls, and also a list of my positive traits... they're about evenly matched. And the weird thing is that some of them are on both lists... I have things that I both love and hate, are positive and negative, depending on the situation. For example, I'm very honest, and it's good to be honest, but I will not lie to a person, regardless of the situation, and it gets me into trouble a lot. Being frank isn't alway a good thing to do. "Does this make me look fat?" Well, I'll say yes if it does.
heh, it was just interesting t look at.

September 04, 08

Aah. It's so much nicer just doing my own thing. Not that I can't stand the others, but I definitely have too much to do to just sit around... unless that's what 'm doing.
In which case it's awesome.
And my guitar... so awesome. I missed it while I was away without it. :'(
Mmm... I think I'll make popcorn.
And watch a movie. And space out before ruggers. And play my guitar.
And think about Jeremy. Who doesn't have a nickname... I'll have to think one up.
I need a new copy of that language... I can't seem to find mine at all. Wait a sec! I might know where it is!
*ruffles around bookshelf, which is finally organized enough to see it*
Nope. No dice. Sorry, but I guess I'll just refer to him as Jeremy... ooh, ooh! know!
Nope. I don't like that one... oh well.
Lfe sucks. I'll just call him by his name, then.

September 3, 2008

If they thought that hell week was bad for rugby, they thought wrong.
The first week of a first year's life-frosh week-has been torn apart at my university, and converted into some retarded charade of school where there are "leaders" (Like when you were a kid in camp whose leaders kept close tabs on you) and there are scheduled events, like mock lectures and discussions which are not even interesting.
No longer are there parties like mad, and awesome clubs to join; instead, we are wandering around and still trying to get unpacked. It's been three days. you'd think it would be done. But, no.
I mean, I also have rugby, so my nights are shot, too. Not that I'm complaining. At least we're respected in rugby. At the school, we're like four-year-olds.
I hope it ends soon.
And I need sleep like mad, because they think it's funny to wake us up early when we had a late night.
Some of us do things with out time: Rugby practice until 10:30, icing injuries for an hour after that... etc...