This is my honest-to-gods self-infliced diary entry for the day. It explains what I am and what i think, and probably gives a disgustingly close amount of insight into a woman's mind.
July 29, 2008
I definitely have a problem. I just finished reading a book by Tucker Max called “I hope they serve beer in hell” and I realize that I’m close but not exactly like every other woman that he spent time fucking in his life thus far.
I’m the same, because I have learned that I can fuck without knowing a person’s last name.
I am different, because after, I do not blame the occasion on them, rather I try to learn how to beat the man to the punch next time.
What the hell.
I am still not a whore, I just no longer believe in love, and I think that this has come around in the last year or so.
Why, you ask? Well, simply put, it’s not worth it. I spend half my time blaming myself for having sex because a bunch of people told me that it’s unacceptable. Well, screw all you too. Guess what? I don’t care and haven’t for a while. I get it. You think it’s wrong. Well, I don’t.
So, that makes me different then the women.
But I’m still female and therefore like the fuck, but I also like a bit of stability and ass when I want it, knowing that it’s not being tapped by some other woman, when I want it.
Do you know what I want? A man who upfront says:
“Look. I don’t want a relationship of any kind. I’m looking for a fuckbuddy for a week. That’s all. The end.”
I’m sorry, I never learned the finer nuances of being female, like reading minds or understanding shit like that. Just be intelligent. Don’t fuck with my head. Don’t piss me off and say nice things. Fuck, talk like normal people, leave. The end. No pretense, no precursor, no falseties.
Furthermore, any man who does not come right out and say this is asking for trouble because I will assume that if it is not stated, then the male is open for assumption that I will fall for him at some point.
He whose nickname I cannot recall said: I want a fuckbuddy.
I said: Okay.
I started to fall for him; I removed myself immediately from his presence because I knew I wouldn’t win. I did not spend a week or two or three fawning over him. I gave up.
I’m alpha, not retarded. Chasing after impossible things is like a dog chasing his tail. And I know I’m not good enough to read people, so I’ll just be smart and start asking upfront, from now on. And I hope to the Gods of all that is real, that men do not get the wrong idea. Because truthfully, if I am sleeping with you, chances are I have so far deemed you as worthy and it is physically possible that I will, indeed, take more interest in you in the future. It takes a very short line to trip the warning switch though, so I'm not saying that saying right off that you're looking for a relationship is going to work.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
July 28, 2008
So, I have absolutely no idea how to act in any sort of relationship. Now, I don't mean that I only can't relate in the position of g/f, but even to just have a fuckbuddy or a potential boyfriend material, I can't be anything like I'm supposed to be. I just don't know how to. It's not in my range of extensive personalities, apparently.
I wish I could take a class. I mean, I have an utter tendency to be too obnoxious. Usually I'm a pretty deadpanned serious person when I say something. I'm not good at being subtle. Never.
Damnit.
I'll work on that. Subtlety. Definitely. Either that or I'll just keep on being obnoxious and find someone who can deal with it.
This is why I would never make a good doctor. I just don't have bedside manner-or any sort of useful emotion, for that matter- to deal with other people. Empathy, I think it's called? Just doesn't happen. It's not my problem that so-and-so can't get over themselves long enough to admit that I'm better; and I can't admit when someone else is better so I run myself into the ground to get better. I like winning. I like being in the spotlight. I like being better.
And it's me.
I wish I could take a class. I mean, I have an utter tendency to be too obnoxious. Usually I'm a pretty deadpanned serious person when I say something. I'm not good at being subtle. Never.
Damnit.
I'll work on that. Subtlety. Definitely. Either that or I'll just keep on being obnoxious and find someone who can deal with it.
This is why I would never make a good doctor. I just don't have bedside manner-or any sort of useful emotion, for that matter- to deal with other people. Empathy, I think it's called? Just doesn't happen. It's not my problem that so-and-so can't get over themselves long enough to admit that I'm better; and I can't admit when someone else is better so I run myself into the ground to get better. I like winning. I like being in the spotlight. I like being better.
And it's me.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
July 27, 2008
So, not that anyone but me cares, I think I destroyed the thing that was going on with Prop. If not destroyed, I just injured it. I think I may have pulled a rugby faux pas.
Which sounds stupid, but I didn't really think about it since I don't ever come down with this particular malady.
As you may or may not know, drinking after rugby is kind of like... taking your shinpads off after soccer. It just happens, inevitably. Thank Gods for us ruggers, we don't have shin pads. That means that surely, positively, we have to find something to make up for that horrid notion, so we turned to alcohol.
Now, I have been a good, little, innocent rugby player and not drank after a game.
Unfortunately, Prop decided that he was going out with his team after his game yesterday. Perfectly understandable, as I did exactly the same thing.
He drank. Loads, and from what I hear, they did it all night.
I called him today. I thought that calling him, however, at seven in the EVENING would be okay, since it is well after a certain time.
He didn't seem pleased.
So, now I know that for future reference, the DAY AFTER call is thereby illegal and shall be avoided. Perhaps I shall learn more rules as I travel with Trent U's Varsity Rugby Team (That I am on--woot!).
Still, I'm not gonna put me down, because I didn't know, and personally, drinking into the wee hours makes me get up faster in the morning. I can't sleep on a drunk stomach. hahaha.
Oh, also, thought of the day: I don't think that the men I actually get along with are looking for the dumb blonde that I became in Hill Park. I think they would like me better if I was... intelligent and able to hold conversations. Prop's really intelligent, and I like it, but acting like a dumbass because I totally have put off keeping up with technology is NOT an attractive thing.
I don't like it at all. I think I'm going to start developing intelligence again. I liked me better when I knew more than everyone else.
Which sounds stupid, but I didn't really think about it since I don't ever come down with this particular malady.
As you may or may not know, drinking after rugby is kind of like... taking your shinpads off after soccer. It just happens, inevitably. Thank Gods for us ruggers, we don't have shin pads. That means that surely, positively, we have to find something to make up for that horrid notion, so we turned to alcohol.
Now, I have been a good, little, innocent rugby player and not drank after a game.
Unfortunately, Prop decided that he was going out with his team after his game yesterday. Perfectly understandable, as I did exactly the same thing.
He drank. Loads, and from what I hear, they did it all night.
I called him today. I thought that calling him, however, at seven in the EVENING would be okay, since it is well after a certain time.
He didn't seem pleased.
So, now I know that for future reference, the DAY AFTER call is thereby illegal and shall be avoided. Perhaps I shall learn more rules as I travel with Trent U's Varsity Rugby Team (That I am on--woot!).
Still, I'm not gonna put me down, because I didn't know, and personally, drinking into the wee hours makes me get up faster in the morning. I can't sleep on a drunk stomach. hahaha.
Oh, also, thought of the day: I don't think that the men I actually get along with are looking for the dumb blonde that I became in Hill Park. I think they would like me better if I was... intelligent and able to hold conversations. Prop's really intelligent, and I like it, but acting like a dumbass because I totally have put off keeping up with technology is NOT an attractive thing.
I don't like it at all. I think I'm going to start developing intelligence again. I liked me better when I knew more than everyone else.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
July 26 2008
I played lock today, in the scrums in my Senior B rugby game. That was interesting. I've never really paid attention to what they do, but now that I have played that position, I feel sorry for any of them who don't tape their ears or have a head-helmet thing. I mean, all of the above looks horrific, but damn! You know what, I think I have broken my ears off. Literally. They cracked. If you thought spring-loaded, cartilege-shattering ear piercing guns are bad, then you need to look at a poor, poor lock position.
And I only played lock for the second half. The first half I played flanker. It was cool. I finally picked up that tackling thing. I seem to have been avoiding it all year. *cough, cough *:D Hahaha, I just got sick of losing every friggen kick because none of my team moved up fast enough.
Still, fun game, loved it. Got a few bruises. Stoney Creek A's beat Hamilton in the game at Hamilton at the same time that the B team played. (Yes!!! Get them!)
So, I have an honest admission to make. I really liked Chakiz, would have killed for him. Then I met this new guy, a Prop who played for McMaster. I'm into him, now. I seem to float from mano-a-mano. Makes me seem kinda like a Hooker (hahaha, rugby joke. that's the guy that stands in the middle of the front row and 'hooks' the ball with her feet. Hence: hooker.)
But anyway, this guy's not what I ever thought I'd look at like he was amazing or anything, but he actually is not only a rugby player, but he also reads books, listens to music I don't have to adjust to, AND has University education.
It's like, perfection in a bottle.
*sigh* Besides that, some of his ideas are a little skewed. I don't know, but I think it may be a rugby player-kinda thing.
But he's a gemini. Which, as I just looked up in my numerous tomes of knowledge, are a really good match for an aquarius (which I am) because both are intelligent, witty, conversational, social, and both are less emotional in a relationship. Further, as bedmates, they're both willing to experiment... *cough, cough* really? Tee heee.... I think I already knew that. *cough*.
Wow. I think he might actually be a good Gemini. He actually seems to betray his sign, now that I'm reading it. He's got a very paralell view to it.
Noice.
Now, what to do about Chakiz, who comes home in a week?'
And I only played lock for the second half. The first half I played flanker. It was cool. I finally picked up that tackling thing. I seem to have been avoiding it all year. *cough, cough *:D Hahaha, I just got sick of losing every friggen kick because none of my team moved up fast enough.
Still, fun game, loved it. Got a few bruises. Stoney Creek A's beat Hamilton in the game at Hamilton at the same time that the B team played. (Yes!!! Get them!)
So, I have an honest admission to make. I really liked Chakiz, would have killed for him. Then I met this new guy, a Prop who played for McMaster. I'm into him, now. I seem to float from mano-a-mano. Makes me seem kinda like a Hooker (hahaha, rugby joke. that's the guy that stands in the middle of the front row and 'hooks' the ball with her feet. Hence: hooker.)
But anyway, this guy's not what I ever thought I'd look at like he was amazing or anything, but he actually is not only a rugby player, but he also reads books, listens to music I don't have to adjust to, AND has University education.
It's like, perfection in a bottle.
*sigh* Besides that, some of his ideas are a little skewed. I don't know, but I think it may be a rugby player-kinda thing.
But he's a gemini. Which, as I just looked up in my numerous tomes of knowledge, are a really good match for an aquarius (which I am) because both are intelligent, witty, conversational, social, and both are less emotional in a relationship. Further, as bedmates, they're both willing to experiment... *cough, cough* really? Tee heee.... I think I already knew that. *cough*.
Wow. I think he might actually be a good Gemini. He actually seems to betray his sign, now that I'm reading it. He's got a very paralell view to it.
Noice.
Now, what to do about Chakiz, who comes home in a week?'
Thursday, July 24, 2008
July 24, 2008
Guess what! I'm on the Trent U Varsity Rugby team! WooT! Training Camp is on the twenty-sixth of August. I will be leaving at that time, and I will not return till I choose to. :)
That's right, an emoticon in my blog. I'm so excited. It's going to cost me a billion dollars in Varsity wear but DAMN! I will finally be on the team! Woot!
I'm so excited. I want to go now. Hahahahahahahahaha... Let's just hope I get good enough to earn field time. :D Still, even if I don't, it's okay. I'll be in it like fleas on a dog.
Buwauauahahahaha.
Man, I love rugby. One good thing that came out of Hill Park was the rugby team and me wanting to join it. Thanks, HP, for doing that, I'm particularly interested.
That's right, an emoticon in my blog. I'm so excited. It's going to cost me a billion dollars in Varsity wear but DAMN! I will finally be on the team! Woot!
I'm so excited. I want to go now. Hahahahahahahahaha... Let's just hope I get good enough to earn field time. :D Still, even if I don't, it's okay. I'll be in it like fleas on a dog.
Buwauauahahahaha.
Man, I love rugby. One good thing that came out of Hill Park was the rugby team and me wanting to join it. Thanks, HP, for doing that, I'm particularly interested.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
July 23, 2008
Recently I met a new acquaintace, shall we say? Aah, rugby functions are always big drunken brawls of fun-ness.
Anyway, so I was talking to him the other day, and we got on to the discussion of cult classics and how only the eighties made damn good movies. I mean, we have okay ones now, but how many times can you watch Wall-e without wishing your eyes would burn up, or the Devil Wears Prada without wishing you could drink drain-o and not have a terrible conscience in the afterlife?
Anyway, so after this discussion, I realized just how long it's been since I've last seen the Evil Dead series. In short order, I collected up the first film to watch it late, late at night when I clearly have nothing better to do with my time.
And I love it. The one thing I know for sure is that I will never give Bruce Campbell the rights to my Ikea bookshelves. Those are deadly, and if he's having problems with the ones that are already made... I'd end up with him glued in somewhere.
Best part ever: "You will die! Like the others before you; one by one we will take you! (aargh)"
*Stabbity stab stab* ..."Of LEAD POISONING! Muahahahahahahaa!"
Anyway, so I was talking to him the other day, and we got on to the discussion of cult classics and how only the eighties made damn good movies. I mean, we have okay ones now, but how many times can you watch Wall-e without wishing your eyes would burn up, or the Devil Wears Prada without wishing you could drink drain-o and not have a terrible conscience in the afterlife?
Anyway, so after this discussion, I realized just how long it's been since I've last seen the Evil Dead series. In short order, I collected up the first film to watch it late, late at night when I clearly have nothing better to do with my time.
And I love it. The one thing I know for sure is that I will never give Bruce Campbell the rights to my Ikea bookshelves. Those are deadly, and if he's having problems with the ones that are already made... I'd end up with him glued in somewhere.
Best part ever: "You will die! Like the others before you; one by one we will take you! (aargh)"
*Stabbity stab stab* ..."Of LEAD POISONING! Muahahahahahahaa!"
Then, there's some horrendous fight scene with loads of throwing people and such, and Bruce Campbell gets stuck under an empty, backless bookshelf, and then mr. boyscout who seems to have never gotten his "trap and secure zombified evil demons in basements" badge, chains the demon into the basement with a whole HEAD'S SPACE so that it can clearly see out. Even evil demons need their light. I mean, she could have been claustrophobic.
At least he cared.
Silly Bruce Campbell just put his girlfriend to bed and let her sleep by herself all alone. Great guy he is.
And damn! I wish my nails were that lethal. Who knew they could pierce right through to the achilles tendon? And facial everythings? And cause such damage? Damn! I'm impressed, and I want the name of their manicurist.
I guess that's why they made the rest of the movies jokes, eh? 'Cause there's so much awesomeness in this one that they just had to keep it up! Seriously, I totally got my kicks in this. It's just that awesome. I love it. I think that everyone needs to see this sometime in their life, to laugh loudly at it at very least.
Seriously. It's awesome.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
July 20 2008
Yesterday I went to the pig roast with the Stoney Creek RFC.
And Holy Cow! I haven't seen so many people drinking so much in such a short time. I mean, DAMN! They were insane. I only stayed till about one thirty, if that. There were people who just camped out there all night, and it was... Sincerely amazing. Let me tell you. Whew!
But you know what? I am constantly faced with the reasoning behind why I like rugby so much, and this was no exception. I'm one of those people who's really open. When someone asks me to tell them a secret that no one knows, I can't. I don't have them. Everyone I know knows everything about me. Or everyone knows something about me. I'm pretty obvious in my transparency. I don't keep secrets. And I'll tell you what I'm thinking regardless what it is, as long as it suits my interests in that moment.
Usually it does.
And so do most of the other rugby players. The girls, the guys, all of them are so damn open and likely to talk to others, regardless. There's a girl on my team who has much more experience since she's been in rugby way longer. She was telling Silver and I about stuff, it was awesome. I learned a lot. Like, why I belong in rugby, even if I think that I suck sometimes. I mean, all I have to do is practice my ass off, and I'll be okay. And I think I'm sticking to flanker, even though I'd like to play hooker. It seems like something I'd enjoy. But I definitely LOVE flanking. It's like... *sigh* All tackles and no standing makes Nifty sore, but so very, very happy. :D
Anyway, other than that, the sexuality of these people actually rivals mine. I'm pretty sure a few people got laid last night, and I don't know how much the alcohol had to do with that. Oh, that's another thing I belong there for, is the alcoholic intake. It actually gets close to my intake. Okay, who am I kidding? These people drink like friggen fish! Like, I've never seen so much imbibed since Chakiz, Silver and I had that random drinking session at my house where we pooled alcohol and mixed everything. Let's see... We had:
Tequila Rose
Sour Puss-Red and Grape
Jägermeister (with Red Bull, of course, thereby solidifying the chances of all Hell breaking loose)
Fireball Whiskey
Peach Scnapps
Cherry Schnapps
Hells, I'm sure there was more... I just can't remember. I do, however, know that it reminded me VERY nicely of a bar on my table while we were drinking.
I definitely think that it was the mixture of both tequila rose and Fireball Whiskey that made me spew my intestines all over the bathroom walls at nine-thirty at night. Yeah, we drank really, really heavily.
That's was interesting.
I learned that puking after alcohol is like nothing you'll ever experience otherwise. I mean, a hangover sucks, it sucks balls, but you can pop some aspirin, or shoot some more vodka and you're fine. Puking, is ike, oh crap! I feel like... yep. *insert puking scene* Damn! There was no controlling that one.
Aah!
:D Still, good experience. I learned that I absolutely CANNOT outdrink a guy who's six-foot-plus a few, two hundred pounds and who drinks like a rugby player.
Anyway, about this related pig roast: It was the awesomest experience of my life so far. 'Cept for maybe sex... That's occasionally good, too. And it happens more often, that's for sure.
And Holy Cow! I haven't seen so many people drinking so much in such a short time. I mean, DAMN! They were insane. I only stayed till about one thirty, if that. There were people who just camped out there all night, and it was... Sincerely amazing. Let me tell you. Whew!
But you know what? I am constantly faced with the reasoning behind why I like rugby so much, and this was no exception. I'm one of those people who's really open. When someone asks me to tell them a secret that no one knows, I can't. I don't have them. Everyone I know knows everything about me. Or everyone knows something about me. I'm pretty obvious in my transparency. I don't keep secrets. And I'll tell you what I'm thinking regardless what it is, as long as it suits my interests in that moment.
Usually it does.
And so do most of the other rugby players. The girls, the guys, all of them are so damn open and likely to talk to others, regardless. There's a girl on my team who has much more experience since she's been in rugby way longer. She was telling Silver and I about stuff, it was awesome. I learned a lot. Like, why I belong in rugby, even if I think that I suck sometimes. I mean, all I have to do is practice my ass off, and I'll be okay. And I think I'm sticking to flanker, even though I'd like to play hooker. It seems like something I'd enjoy. But I definitely LOVE flanking. It's like... *sigh* All tackles and no standing makes Nifty sore, but so very, very happy. :D
Anyway, other than that, the sexuality of these people actually rivals mine. I'm pretty sure a few people got laid last night, and I don't know how much the alcohol had to do with that. Oh, that's another thing I belong there for, is the alcoholic intake. It actually gets close to my intake. Okay, who am I kidding? These people drink like friggen fish! Like, I've never seen so much imbibed since Chakiz, Silver and I had that random drinking session at my house where we pooled alcohol and mixed everything. Let's see... We had:
Tequila Rose
Sour Puss-Red and Grape
Jägermeister (with Red Bull, of course, thereby solidifying the chances of all Hell breaking loose)
Fireball Whiskey
Peach Scnapps
Cherry Schnapps
Hells, I'm sure there was more... I just can't remember. I do, however, know that it reminded me VERY nicely of a bar on my table while we were drinking.
I definitely think that it was the mixture of both tequila rose and Fireball Whiskey that made me spew my intestines all over the bathroom walls at nine-thirty at night. Yeah, we drank really, really heavily.
That's was interesting.
I learned that puking after alcohol is like nothing you'll ever experience otherwise. I mean, a hangover sucks, it sucks balls, but you can pop some aspirin, or shoot some more vodka and you're fine. Puking, is ike, oh crap! I feel like... yep. *insert puking scene* Damn! There was no controlling that one.
Aah!
:D Still, good experience. I learned that I absolutely CANNOT outdrink a guy who's six-foot-plus a few, two hundred pounds and who drinks like a rugby player.
Anyway, about this related pig roast: It was the awesomest experience of my life so far. 'Cept for maybe sex... That's occasionally good, too. And it happens more often, that's for sure.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
July 17 2008
Hm. So, Chakiz is into me after all. Why do we inflict self doubt? I think that my half-year resolution will be to cleanse that stupid self-doubt from me. It makes me a horrid person. I feel crappy and I act like a bitch when I'm doubting me and myself, and then I look dumb when I tell the guy that I kinda missed him after all, even though it was all...
I dunno.
Man, I have a messed up head. I need to stop thinking so much.
Seriously. I just told someone to stop thinking so much yesterday. Pitcher, in fact, was who I told. I think I need to stop that. Practice what you preach, as they say.
I mean, I can't help but think, but I can cut back on the amount that I hate myself and doubt my abilities and my first thought.
You know why I'm like this? Because I had to do it with Backcatcher. Always. I used to be happy, before I met him. I was a bubbly person. I'm still bubbly on the outside, but wracked with doubt on the inside. Then again, I'm blaming it on him. It wasn't only him. I also had a tendency to be too naive, and eventually it caught up. To counter-mix the naievety I have to be really doubtful. That's why I'm always warring with my other voice, I think. That's why I don't get along with me for large amounts of time. Gah.
Man, I am seriously messed up.
So, my new thing: I will not doubt myself.
I dunno.
Man, I have a messed up head. I need to stop thinking so much.
Seriously. I just told someone to stop thinking so much yesterday. Pitcher, in fact, was who I told. I think I need to stop that. Practice what you preach, as they say.
I mean, I can't help but think, but I can cut back on the amount that I hate myself and doubt my abilities and my first thought.
You know why I'm like this? Because I had to do it with Backcatcher. Always. I used to be happy, before I met him. I was a bubbly person. I'm still bubbly on the outside, but wracked with doubt on the inside. Then again, I'm blaming it on him. It wasn't only him. I also had a tendency to be too naive, and eventually it caught up. To counter-mix the naievety I have to be really doubtful. That's why I'm always warring with my other voice, I think. That's why I don't get along with me for large amounts of time. Gah.
Man, I am seriously messed up.
So, my new thing: I will not doubt myself.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
July 16, 2008
Is honor too much to ask in a relationship? With anyone, seriously?
Sometimes, I wish that time travel were possible for me, so that I could move from this time to another time where honour and truth meant something. Not only that, I wish I could find a time where freedom and respect went hand in hand. I wish I could transfer myself to a dimension where storybook romances existed. I hate reality. It's no wonder I spend all my time reading. It's because today's reality isn't worth its existence.
Disgusting.
Sometimes, I wish that time travel were possible for me, so that I could move from this time to another time where honour and truth meant something. Not only that, I wish I could find a time where freedom and respect went hand in hand. I wish I could transfer myself to a dimension where storybook romances existed. I hate reality. It's no wonder I spend all my time reading. It's because today's reality isn't worth its existence.
Disgusting.
Monday, July 14, 2008
July 14, 2008
So, I've been really, really angry lately. I snap at everyone and anything that moves, I hate people and things, and I complain. All the time. More than usual. I'm starting to get angry with myself for being so angry all the time.
And then I realized why...
I'm sexually frustrated. I have never been frustrated for this reason before.
Ever. Seriously.
I can't even do anything to help myself out. I've tried, and it only makes it worse. I don't want to go find a diferent man, either. I can't. I tried. Not interested in the least bit, to tell you the truth. I have three or four guys... (hmm... lets see... three if you don't count the one who's trying to play me 'cause he still has a gf) who are all sitting around trying to get me to do stuff... and I can't. I just can't, and when I do, it's just... "Wow. This is boring. Heh. Kinda, like, meh. Wow. This sucks. Let's go see if I can stare a wall into oblivion."
Seriously. I have to actively think about flirting, and even then it sucks.
I haven't been this obsessed with a guy since backcatcher, my first real bf. And that took two or three years to get over. It was a while. Granted, this guy's a cooler guy, and he's nicer, and he's waaaaayyy more honourable, but damn! It makes me all the more confused as to why he's still single.
And that fact is why I'm so damn frustrated. No one else I've met since I met him has lived up to his whole self. Hell, none have even matched up a section of his personality. They just don't make 'em like this guy's made. But, damned if I don't spend every day thinking about him. All the time. And it frustrates the hell out of me, because I'm not a forward person once I've learned them. And I'm afraid that if I open up, he'll be like "pfft" and blow me off. Or, worse, will feel guilty or something like that for making me feel like this.
I'm so weirded. A girl at work said I should make him cookies. It's a brilliant idea, because he's an eater. But... I don't want to have to coax him. I want him to want me.
Haha, Cheap Trick song.
"I want you to want me,
I need you to need me;
I want you to want me,
I need you to need me..."
Also related:
"For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder"
-Hey Jude, The Beatles.
Because that's what I did... I acted all cold and uncaring, because that's how I am with guys who don't want to go anywhere, but sometimes I wonder if I just didn't make everything worse for myself by doing it. I mean, I hate scenes since that first bf breakup which was a huge scene... and I'll never do it again. I think I made a pact with myself that I will be the one who comes out on top when the guy or I decides it's over. Since backcatcher, I haven't really made a scene. A few tears quietly shed once I've left, and I'm good. But, damn it if I don't just act like a statue, and maintain body distance.
When he left on that last day, I just wanted to touch him or kiss him... I think I'm terrified of making a fool of myself, though. We did hug, but... I don't know. I just wanted more than that. I mean, we did go camping together. Just us. Alone. For nearly four days.
Gah.
I think I really miss him. I hope he feels something for me. Enough to avoid his band for a day once he gets back and to spend some time with me.
Is it too much to hope for? Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Maybe. I don't know. I can't know. I'll just have to make a fool of myself, I guess, because I'd rather know that he wants nothing to do with me then not. I mean, at least if I know he doesn't want to see me anymore, it won't be this horrid limbo that I'm in right now:
"does he even think about me?" "Will he even know me?"
"Will he care enough to listen?" "What if... he doesn't like me?" "What if I was just rebound?" "What if, what if, what if..." (It's horrid to write this, because it means I am insecure after all. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Plus, I don't think he'd forget me, it's only a month. Only.)
Anyway, I'm sexually frustrated, and if you have a problem with it, sue me. I'll go jump his bones and then be happy for another month. Once more at the end of the summer when he gets back again and I'll be pleased.
Or I can just kind of hope he doesn't go away in August... It's a plausible hope. Kinda sucks for him, then, but I'll be selfish in my own blog (as well as truthful) and say that I really, really miss him and hope he doesn't go away again.
I want him to stay, I want him to be with me, and I want him to like it. I would probably travel back to my city every weekend from school just to spend a few nights with him. Hell, I'd come and get him, drive him to my dorm, and drive him home every weekend if it meant he'd stay with me.
Hell. I hate this uncertainty thing. It's not really good for my heart, I'm sure. If I have a heart attack, blame Chakiz.
And then I realized why...
I'm sexually frustrated. I have never been frustrated for this reason before.
Ever. Seriously.
I can't even do anything to help myself out. I've tried, and it only makes it worse. I don't want to go find a diferent man, either. I can't. I tried. Not interested in the least bit, to tell you the truth. I have three or four guys... (hmm... lets see... three if you don't count the one who's trying to play me 'cause he still has a gf) who are all sitting around trying to get me to do stuff... and I can't. I just can't, and when I do, it's just... "Wow. This is boring. Heh. Kinda, like, meh. Wow. This sucks. Let's go see if I can stare a wall into oblivion."
Seriously. I have to actively think about flirting, and even then it sucks.
I haven't been this obsessed with a guy since backcatcher, my first real bf. And that took two or three years to get over. It was a while. Granted, this guy's a cooler guy, and he's nicer, and he's waaaaayyy more honourable, but damn! It makes me all the more confused as to why he's still single.
And that fact is why I'm so damn frustrated. No one else I've met since I met him has lived up to his whole self. Hell, none have even matched up a section of his personality. They just don't make 'em like this guy's made. But, damned if I don't spend every day thinking about him. All the time. And it frustrates the hell out of me, because I'm not a forward person once I've learned them. And I'm afraid that if I open up, he'll be like "pfft" and blow me off. Or, worse, will feel guilty or something like that for making me feel like this.
I'm so weirded. A girl at work said I should make him cookies. It's a brilliant idea, because he's an eater. But... I don't want to have to coax him. I want him to want me.
Haha, Cheap Trick song.
"I want you to want me,
I need you to need me;
I want you to want me,
I need you to need me..."
Also related:
"For well you know that it's a fool
Who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder"
-Hey Jude, The Beatles.
Because that's what I did... I acted all cold and uncaring, because that's how I am with guys who don't want to go anywhere, but sometimes I wonder if I just didn't make everything worse for myself by doing it. I mean, I hate scenes since that first bf breakup which was a huge scene... and I'll never do it again. I think I made a pact with myself that I will be the one who comes out on top when the guy or I decides it's over. Since backcatcher, I haven't really made a scene. A few tears quietly shed once I've left, and I'm good. But, damn it if I don't just act like a statue, and maintain body distance.
When he left on that last day, I just wanted to touch him or kiss him... I think I'm terrified of making a fool of myself, though. We did hug, but... I don't know. I just wanted more than that. I mean, we did go camping together. Just us. Alone. For nearly four days.
Gah.
I think I really miss him. I hope he feels something for me. Enough to avoid his band for a day once he gets back and to spend some time with me.
Is it too much to hope for? Am I setting myself up for a disaster? Maybe. I don't know. I can't know. I'll just have to make a fool of myself, I guess, because I'd rather know that he wants nothing to do with me then not. I mean, at least if I know he doesn't want to see me anymore, it won't be this horrid limbo that I'm in right now:
"does he even think about me?" "Will he even know me?"
"Will he care enough to listen?" "What if... he doesn't like me?" "What if I was just rebound?" "What if, what if, what if..." (It's horrid to write this, because it means I am insecure after all. Damn it. Damn it. Damn it. Plus, I don't think he'd forget me, it's only a month. Only.)
Anyway, I'm sexually frustrated, and if you have a problem with it, sue me. I'll go jump his bones and then be happy for another month. Once more at the end of the summer when he gets back again and I'll be pleased.
Or I can just kind of hope he doesn't go away in August... It's a plausible hope. Kinda sucks for him, then, but I'll be selfish in my own blog (as well as truthful) and say that I really, really miss him and hope he doesn't go away again.
I want him to stay, I want him to be with me, and I want him to like it. I would probably travel back to my city every weekend from school just to spend a few nights with him. Hell, I'd come and get him, drive him to my dorm, and drive him home every weekend if it meant he'd stay with me.
Hell. I hate this uncertainty thing. It's not really good for my heart, I'm sure. If I have a heart attack, blame Chakiz.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
July 12, 2008
So, I am waiting patiently. So far I've only been uber frustrated for, like a week. I've been attending rugby lately so I haven't worried so much about being apprehensive about Chakiz as I do about being exhausted.
Sometimes, I wonder why people are the way we are. I think it'd be cool to find a perfect mate who wants permanence, and then I think that it's silly because that's my imperfect, which is silly because then even if I had him and he was perfect, he would piss me off so well that I'd stop talking to him.
I miss him. NOt to tears like before, but I miss having him around. I talk about him all the time, and everyone in my friend circle that doesn't already know him wants to.
I got a sunburn while I was playing watergirl at rugby today. I'm going to a pig roast with rugby on the nineteenth. On the eighteenth there's an orientation day at Trent U for first years to learn how to pick classes.
I'm so tired, I"m lying down to write this and have already closed my eyes.
And when I close my eyes, male characters in romances change for me, and I'm currently trying to upgrade my two lovers for Zach De Masion's story. It's a good one, but kinda shaky because it changes so much.
THat's all. 'Night.
Sometimes, I wonder why people are the way we are. I think it'd be cool to find a perfect mate who wants permanence, and then I think that it's silly because that's my imperfect, which is silly because then even if I had him and he was perfect, he would piss me off so well that I'd stop talking to him.
I miss him. NOt to tears like before, but I miss having him around. I talk about him all the time, and everyone in my friend circle that doesn't already know him wants to.
I got a sunburn while I was playing watergirl at rugby today. I'm going to a pig roast with rugby on the nineteenth. On the eighteenth there's an orientation day at Trent U for first years to learn how to pick classes.
I'm so tired, I"m lying down to write this and have already closed my eyes.
And when I close my eyes, male characters in romances change for me, and I'm currently trying to upgrade my two lovers for Zach De Masion's story. It's a good one, but kinda shaky because it changes so much.
THat's all. 'Night.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
July 9, 2008
All I want is to curl up with him, lie next to him, and cuddle. Is that too much to ask? Apparently, 'cause he's out in the middle of nowhere town carrying a gun around-for fun-surrounded by all those chicks who think it's cool to be in the reserves... What did I do so wrong that everything gets messed up now?
Did I kill someone in a past life? Maybe I was an adulterer. That would definitely be a reason that seems plausible, considering my crappy ability to meet or keep a reasonable lover for very long.
And all the ones I actually like are married, gay, or in the army and away for the summer.
Did I kill someone in a past life? Maybe I was an adulterer. That would definitely be a reason that seems plausible, considering my crappy ability to meet or keep a reasonable lover for very long.
And all the ones I actually like are married, gay, or in the army and away for the summer.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
July 8, 2008
Yesterday I went to rugby. That was nice. I think I hardly fit in with the people at rugby because I WORK SO GODDAMNED BAD HOURS!
And this comes in here: I'm quitting. I love working for GT, but I just can't. I hate applying for new jobs even though chances are that I will get whatever I apply for, but I hate it. I hate moving to a new place and starting all over again.
And I'm doing this for rugby and for a play.
Great.
And this comes in here: I'm quitting. I love working for GT, but I just can't. I hate applying for new jobs even though chances are that I will get whatever I apply for, but I hate it. I hate moving to a new place and starting all over again.
And I'm doing this for rugby and for a play.
Great.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
July 5, 2008
So, today I was trying my hand at recreating dishes from Chakiz's house-and I sort of prevailed. I made refried beans which I actually call black-bean spread, since that's technically what it's called.
And I'll be damned if it didn't taste good! Not as good as the pro-kind that Rudy's mum makes, but that's to be expected; I never was taught how to do it, and I didn't have a recipe, I was working from memory of the three seconds Chakiz took to tell me how to make them before ushering me into the tent while we were camping.
I made them, though. :D Now I can have bean spread even if he never wants to see me again. I just wasn't expecting all the mess it made!
Speaking of Chakiz, I made a realization today. I don't want to be done with him. I haven't made a single pass at any guy since I started with him. I have no interest in other men. They just don't live up to Chakiz. I don't know.
It could be caused by his being so standard towards me; it could be because he just didn't care one way or the other what I felt or wanted. Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment and only like guys who don't give a damn about me.
Shit. I hope to hell not, because this could be a looooonng lifetime for me.
Still, secretly, in the back of my mind, I wish that he does think of me once in a while, even though the more rational side of me takes over and says "you know you're setting yourself up to get hurt, right? He did say that he just wanted to enjoy the time before he left, and to 'see what happened' from there."
But then my stupid romantic side says "but maybe..." And then I spend two hours crying because I just don't know. I hate it.
I think he's going to be hard to beat though, if he beat Kizisini.
And he did. Ohhh, did he ever. Kiz never let me touch his guitar, and Chakiz didn't mind, in fact he taught me chords on his guitar.
This is going to sound stupid, and I'd hate to believe it could never be possible, but I really want him to call me when he gets back... I want to know if he cares at all for me the way I think I might care for him.
And then, says my stricter, rational me:"You know, if you say that and hope for it, he'll come back, party for a week with his band like he repeatedly said he was going to, and then he'll leave again without even saying a word to you, and you'll spend all summer ignoring other boys just to be with someone who doesn't even think twice about you in a summertime. You'll be crushed, you know."
I fucking hate my rational side. I hate it for what it is and what it makes me feel. I hate that I can't hope for ten minutes without breaking into a bout of tears because of it.
"Shut the hell up, rational side. You know nothing about humans, do you?"
Gods. I hate being human.
Friday, July 4, 2008
July 4, 2008
So, I'm supposed to be emptying my bookshelf. Silver's already half packed to go to school, it's only July, but I should probably be following her example so that I'm not all rushed in August. Besides, she knows what she's doing.
I'm missing my most recent man-friend who went away to reserves camp, and now I'm just kind of single and floating--which, you'd think it would be easier to pick up guys being me, but, alas; not.
I think Silver and I learned not to try to pick up guys at bars. Number closes are really hard to get from guys. It should be the next big game show. Female PUAs try to get numbers. Even though technically silver and I aren't PUAs... Okay, more then technically. It just isn't going to happen. I think we're too normal for that. But I do employ some of the insane brain manouvering that men employ... I call it "stupidity".
Hahahahaa. Joking. Sorry to offend. I just thought it was kind of funny. Anyway, I think that I have given up on actually believing that I might meet someone who wants to be sober and hang out in and for the next two months, and I have limited myself to admitting that I am going to wait till I go away to make it serious. Which is actually what I want, believe it or not.
So, now I have to go clean my bookshelf off...
See you later!
I'm missing my most recent man-friend who went away to reserves camp, and now I'm just kind of single and floating--which, you'd think it would be easier to pick up guys being me, but, alas; not.
I think Silver and I learned not to try to pick up guys at bars. Number closes are really hard to get from guys. It should be the next big game show. Female PUAs try to get numbers. Even though technically silver and I aren't PUAs... Okay, more then technically. It just isn't going to happen. I think we're too normal for that. But I do employ some of the insane brain manouvering that men employ... I call it "stupidity".
Hahahahaa. Joking. Sorry to offend. I just thought it was kind of funny. Anyway, I think that I have given up on actually believing that I might meet someone who wants to be sober and hang out in and for the next two months, and I have limited myself to admitting that I am going to wait till I go away to make it serious. Which is actually what I want, believe it or not.
So, now I have to go clean my bookshelf off...
See you later!
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