April 28/08

Well, here's the honest to goodness up-to-the-minute- thought process:
So here’s the new one. I have no other place to keep a diary, since every other thing that I had one on happens to have downsides. Well. That’s not good since I need a place to write my innermost thoughts or else I get all confused and muddled and often depressed and then my work threatens to fire me. Since we know how bad that is, let me get this out.

I really think that that Baker boy is good looking. I don’t know how intelligent he is, but man, is he a nice something to look at. I walked into him in the office today-not intentionally, mind you, but *sigh* is my only point.
Do you know what, though? I think that when I’m around people that I find attractive, I get more aware of what I’m doing and what I look like and become really… aloof? I think the word would be. It’s really annoying and something to do to hide the stupid fear I feel around an attractive person because that’s what happens-it’s my survival mechanism. GAH!
I get all fake-confidence and annoying and “better than thou” and that’s what drives people away. It’s not like I’m afraid of the guy…wait. Who am I kidding? It’s exactly that. I’m terrified that he’ll dislike me, so I make myself cold enough that he won’t like me, so I’m not disappointed that he might not when he doesn’t. I hate what I am, a lot. That’s why I never fall in love with the people I’m with; it’s because if I’m dating them, then we’re only close enough to be friends and it could never go further.
Hem. I wonder…
The next time I see someone I like, I’ll smile at them instead of just being cold and nervous. Yes. I will. I will not only smile at them, I will also say “Hi, I’m Amy.” Because saying “Hi, I’m Amy and if you play your cards right and show some intelligence I might actually date you” sounds sort of… obnoxious. Okay, yes, really obnoxious.

Hem, this Pat Baker thing sort of lasted a long time. It’s probably because he’s that guy I don’t want to reach for, so I’m going to just admire from afar… I guess I am slightly afraid of him, because he hangs out with people I’ve never associated with and to go out with a guy from a different friend class means that I’ll have to start talking to the other group… Unless there’s a cool meshing of groups and we all just end up friends… Ha-ha.
Like that will ever happen. Like, in a million years, like. Never.

Maybe I should write a story on this. Hm.
Nifzeta and the good looking boy with dark hair walk into a bar and say ouch.
Ahhahahahahahahaahahahaahahahahaa*cough, cough*hahahahahaahahahahhahahahaahahaaaaaa*cough*hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaah*sneeze*!
Right. Maybe. But anyway, that wasn’t the point of all this. The whole point is that I’m thoroughly disappointed in the number spelling mistakes (which are actually “Hems and just underlined. And the other whole point is that I’m a wimp and I’m too terrified to ask a guy out even though I’m really well versed in dating and mating and all that.
So. Next time I see him, I will introduce myself and I will talk to him, after I find out if he’s dating someone. Because he’s hot.
Or maybe I’ll just talk to him anyway. Even if I don’t know if he’s dating someone. I heard that he dated Natalie Scoccia (Sp?) last year, but that doesn’t mean much, as far as I’m concerned.
Man, he’s good looking.
Fits the bill for that dream man, too… except for the intelligence, unless he’s already taken smart courses while I was falling back to the dumb ones.

Then again, he doesn’t really make himself available at all… I think that was the first time that I’ve seen him this semester, even in the caf and hallways and places that are usually frequented. Then again, I know that I haven’t seen Tanner and the guys that Baker hangs out with often, either. That could be, though, because by the time that you hit returned grade 12, you’re old enough to know that the foyer isn’t cool to hang in…. it would be hilarious if that was where he hung out.
Haha, this sub’s hilarious. She’s wandering around the room watching what everyone’s doing to make sure we’rea ll doing work. Uh oh, I think that maybe Nolan’s back. I was…nope. Some gym teacher with no hair.
Damnit! I wish I had have said something to Pat while we were in the office. It’s that three second rule about people. If, in the first three second of seeing them you don’t start hitting on them, you shouldn’t. Because after that you’ve psyched yourself out so much that you’re terrified of talking in the first place.
And then they walk past you even though they spent a good three seconds looking at you too.
Of course. *smacks self in head*.
Man, he’s good looking. I’m angry with myself for not saying something. Arghhhghghghg.
“Hi, I’m Amy. I don’t know you, but I’d like to.”
Is it really that hard? Is it? I so missed out on that. Gah.
And so I just spent some time doing that, and complaining how dumb I am, and how much of a wimp I am, and how awkward I am in society, I’m going to get back to my work so that Nolan doesn’t kill us all when he gets back and finds out we spent a half hour writing a diary labeled Stuff under the CommTech Folder of my homework. Yes. That’s exactly what I’m going to do, right as soon as I’m not terribly gah’ed about this thing.
Ah, man. He’s amazing looking, and tall, and has gorgeous hair. And he looks serious and really moody which could be because he’s never smiling… Sigh. Sigh in my head and out loud. *sigh*.
This stupid obsession thing’s not going so well for me. I always have… I don’t want to call “crushes” crushes because it sounds childish, but I guess that’s what this is, technically.

April 27 2008

I don't know why, but I am what I detest.
Goddamned Game. I hate you. I hate you and your powers over womens' psychological responses to everything.
I will not be obsessed over Zack, because although he is amazingly intelligent, he is also arrogant and uncaring.
I will not let myself be controlled by said game, and I will win. I don't care. I'm not playing at these loggets anymore, because I'm sick of it. If he wants to go out, he'd better damn well call me. I'm not trying anymore. I'm also going to go make some potential mate friends, because the current zip that I have (save for zack, who rises in my mind like fresh yeast every fricken day) isn't working for me. I need a fawning base or my powers are useless.
AGAHAHAHA. Yes, I'm insane. Yes, I have problems, but no, I will not change. I will just stop. Gah. I hate relationships. And I'm sure I know why I need this non-serious thing. Why can't I honestly do it? I mean, seriously. Clearly Zack has no interest in doing anything but me, but man, why couldn't he just be less confusing? One second, he'll be all hardcore male who wants one thing, and the next he'll be stroking my back or my hair in a non-threatening manner and bringing to rise the likes of feelings of being protected and happy that I haven't felt since backcatcher... who ended up being a case of obsession for me... for two long, pitiful years... not including the time spent BEFORE we dated. Urgh. I'm prone to this obsession thing, aren't I? I make myself want to puke. Or bring up the subject with Zack. Or both, at the same time.
I think it's unfair, though, because I could have had Zack, except there were other things that he found more important. And then he says he was stupid for shutting us down, and then he also lists how single he wants to stay. I hate people with no purpose or ambition. I also hate me for obsessing enough to write a blog about him when there's a perfectly hot pitcher talking to me about coming to a rugby practice or a lunch, and still wondering why I'm not good enough to make Zack want me.
God, I hate being me. I hate my thought processes. I hate my constant analysis of things. I hate how I have to be different. I hate that I can't follow a trend, I hate my uncertainty (Can anyone say hamlet?), I hate my need to be brave and unfeminine in anything more than physicality, I hate my competitiveness, I hate the stress I put on myself, I hate so much, and I still hate. I hate the way I will forever try to understand why I can't just be happy with myself and be who I am and accept that I might be or not be accepted.
I hate most of what makes me individual.

Someone left out this part of growing up. How do I deal with myself when I'm in this mood? Who teaches us how to be accepting and agreeable? I think I missed that lesson. I can accept the idea that somewhere, we share the world with everything. I understand the idea that I can't comprehend nothing or everything. I can even see that I am a minute speck in the overall everything of the world and existence itself. So why do I think at all? Why not just live life a speck, if that's all I am. Is there meaning? Because I don't think that Heaven is a good enough reason. I don't believe we have meanings, because that would mean that there's fate, and I don't think that I believe in fate. So, I suppose that it means that I believe that there's something I need to do, for me, and me alone. Not even to self-actualize and bring a child into the world. I don't know if I even have interest in that. Well, not now anyways. I'm only nineteen.

I think I'm schizo. I think I might have multiple personalities. Or at very least bi-polar. I have very different sides and a good acting skill to cover what I can't pass off. I hate me. I want to give up. Sleep it is.

Good night, then. Sleep well, and don't let the bedbugs bite.
~Nifzeta

April 21 2008

Aah. I'm in a good mood today for no particular reason. My laptop currently has a virus-ish-non-virus on it, so I can't actually use it. I'm at school right now, which kind of sucks, but I guess that's okay. I knew it would suck, and was prepped for it already. I worked all weekend. Didn't do anything interesting. Had a great conversation at school lunch today... it trasversed over several points of interest that I honestly had to get in on... So I did. That took like, an hour of my life. I miss doing stuff like that. Awesome discussions that last so long you don't even know where the day went... I miss Westmount for that. It was a nice school, with intelligent people, and the best part was that there was always a reason to study.
I am a competitive person. I have always been so.
And I just realized it.
I thought that when I hit rugby, I just got competitive. No, it's not true. I've always competed for highest marks. Then I met Backcatcher and no longer had to compete. But it wasn't because of him, it was something that I realized when I was with him: I didn't like how stressed I was all the time. I am a high-stress person.
And when I'm not, I'm irritable and unlikable.
So, the choice is: Mellow and irritable loner or high stress and slightly excited all the time.
I think I liked it better when I would pick up a random book for the sake of reading, and enjoying knowing more than everyone else. Yeah.
I like the competition that I have to beat. Lauren left, I can't compete with her anymore... but Michelle in photography, I can beat her.
In art, I'm not really doing it to beat anyone, though, because I like art for art. Though, when I got angry, or tired, I did better. So, I think I'll put off art till I feel like artsy. What else? English? Well, I rock English when I want to. I don't even have to work hard. So, I figure, if I just show up and do my work, I'll kill the class and be done with it.
As for my comtech class... i don't know. It's computers, and I guess I kinda like it... but I'm not interested in everything, only components. So... I'll work on it, but there's no challenge, at all.
Anyway, the whole point of this was that I learned that I need to be stressed to be happy. If there's no problem, I'm uncomfortable, because there's nothing to do. That means that it's about time I returned to my roots. It's time that I stop being all "Depressed Nifty" and get back into intelligence.
I also realized that I can't stand stupid people, and I think my choices of mates has proven that. I'm single. Does that give you an idea...?
Then again, I can't say I don't enjoy the idea of fooling around with a random football player, because they're always the hot ones. eh? Eh? Anyone else up for a hot rugby/football/basketball(hey, they're tall...not always good looking, but they are tall)/track&field player?
I am... That's for sure. Just not in a date-date-relation. I hate it when I'm conversing with myself.
It happens all the time at my house; I'll be talking about some hugely pointless topic (beezlebufo, eg?) and everyone just blanks me out. Now, I have a habit of jumping from idea to idea, and important stuff gets mixed in with the simple theorizing, and then everyone who blanks me out after a minute (everyone) all miss the important thing I just said. Usually it's about me working, or other stuff.

But, yeah... So... Yeah. I like intelligent conversations. They make me think. I like thinking. Thinking is productive. I think I need to go read some literature. :D
Or work on my commtech.

April 13 2008

So yesterday...last night...way early this morning, I went out with Alyssa and her friends in Welland... Her girlfriends... We were a group of four over nineteen-but-still-not-old and we were all pretty darn good looking, if I do say so myself. One of her friend's mom was the designated driver, so we went to Niagara Falls and to a strip club called Pepper Mints.
OMG.
That's right, I spoke IM.

And then I decided that while I am single, I am going to start hitting on pretty boys. I mean, I totally get that the guys at the club who were working there are just after money, and have no interest in me, but there were like, two who kept sidling by me shooting me looks like "I'll give you a lapdance, baby."
*sigh*
The only thing that I found really took anything away from the experience was the fact that my overlogical brain (No thanks to Zack who introduced me to the logical way of thinking about PUAs) decided to completely take everything that they did apart and try to understand or pinpoint what they were doing and why. And how people would react. But these guys, I'm sure, would be better off learning the game. I think one might be a natural, but he didn't use all of the techniques. I paid for that one.
Oh, I also noticed that a girl, a girl who is stripping does not need to act. She does not need to be a character. She can slowly, coyly remove her clothes and a man will be happy.
A guy on the other hand, the guys all played standard female fantasies. I went to centre stage with the guy who acted as the dirty doctor, because I value intelligence, overall in a man and the mere idea of an intelligent male who definitely has a chiseled, rock-hard set of abs just drives me over the edge. Or a rich, intelligent businessman, or a sexy intelligent linguistics major...You get the point. Intelligence is nice. Very nice. But so's a body that's not flubby. And I actually learned that it didn't matter how much they weighed as long as I could see some form of a nice ass. Wait, can I say ass on blogger? I guess so. I think I've done it before.
Yeah, so I learned a lot about my preferences. Especially when I was getting the lapdance onstage. That was fun. The girls thought I looked like I needed a lapdance, so they bought me one. Which technically was, like, six, because I was onstage and all the guys who stripped were giving me one.
That was hot.
And it's not my fault if they have scratchmarks. I'm particularly uncontrollable when I am being touched, and those guys were hot. The one guy grabbed my hair and yanked it back and kissed my neck:D I'll take that any day. I just can't remember who it was.
I also noticed that aside from my group and one other, the large majority of the rest of the strip club was old, and really heavy. I had an awesome time, but I know I could go anywhere and pretty much pick up a guy(which I didn't do yesterday).
But some of these women looked starved for male attention. I mean, they were like, pawing them, and doing things that I think might have gone a little far.
All these ladies could solve that by dressing better. They looked a little too interested to be trouble to pick up in real life (that's right, I know that a strip club's all pretend. And just think, Some people have no idea. That's kinda sad. I know. I was like "Gah! Why can't we find guys like this in real life?" and silver's like "What do you mean? This is real life!"
Well. No, it's not. These guys said the same thing, line for line when they were trying to make me buy a lapdance. I think the one guy did the "ignore the girl you want and talk to her friends thing" and clearly it worked. I did want a lapdance, though. But these guys were like, "Where are you from?" "hamilton" "Oh, the Hammer?"
Two or three of them used the same opener, down to the timing.
Sad, but true.
I think they need a PUA in there. I think PUAs should just all become strippers. It would be easier to give my money away. :D

April...7th? 2008

Ooh, I like boys sometimes. I actually think that stupid psychology, which I used to be so good at recognizing, can be used on me.
It's true.
So, I went out today after school with this... buddy, we shall say (no more using his name I'm afraid). And, so we went to the brow, which I thought would be a nice safe walk. And we did walk, for like, a whole two hours. Up and down the trail and then back to his place, and then yeah. Then we sat (and by we I mean he) and played guitar at his house and ended up in several precarious positions, although I swear I never removed more than my sweater because it was getting hot in there. Anyway, so he also let me actually TOUCH his bass guitar which was cool (:D) because backcatcher never let me so much as touch any of his musical instruments... In fact, uh... (man, I really need a nickname for him) actually showed me part of the bass line for a queen song.
So Cool! Anyway, so I'm so happy now, conflicted with the odd string of frustration and confusion. You see, he does things sometimes that are so soft and so... awwww... but not all the time, so I do my damnedest to get him to do those little things... Which has efficiently given me that stupid obsession thing. I always want to beat him at his own game, regardless of the game. Always. And he never calls when I want him to, and when I do see him he does this push pull thing that works like nothing I've ever seen before working. I mean, I thought I was immune, but I wasn't. And even though I know the rules, I can't really change how I think about things... Maybe, though, I don't want to. I like being what I am, and I like being attracted to him the way I am. I like him for who he is on one half, as well as for how well he does everything on the other. I respect him more than I could probably respect so many other people... and the best damn part is that he could kick my ass in any intellectual conversation, and he's so much faster in replies.
I don't know. I just found someone who doesn't want a relationship. Which I guess is nice, because then I go to Trent in the fall, and that's the end of that. But a good summer of this is definitely on my list. And although I won't be exclusive unless he starts that conversation, I will not really fall for anyone else, I don't think. So, technically I'm exclusive, I just have the freedom to not be. And that choice, that choice is what makes me so comfortable where I am. In a relationship, I have no choice, no scapegoat, no black and white. I can't turn tail and run and then come back; it's standard and half the time, the lust turns into something that kind of reminds me of boredom. Okay, it is boredom. And then, from there, I basically fall into stagnation, and that's the end of that. I'm done with that one. This, on the other hand, gives me both freedom and stability, and I think that that is what I need most.
And that, as they say, is that.

April 6 08

Wow, I never really realized how much I love music.
Music, all the time. I always have a song running through my head. It's kind of sad, actually. It doesn't matter about the song; it could be really random.
Right now, I'm on to Alive-Pearl Jam (well, my media player says it's pearl jam, but once it also told me that the cat's in the cradle song was by led zeppelin... We all know that's damn near impossible.)
So, anyway, I love music. That was the point of this whole blog. I love it! And, so over the summer I bought a four-gig music player, an RCA lyra. Which I listened to.
Every day.
Constantly.
Never-endingly.
It was always in my ears.
Hot Patootie- Meat Loaf as Eddie from Rocky Horror
So, then it got destroyed. But that's totally cool, because I really have limewire on my laptop all the time and it's always a player. Or Media Player by Microsoft. It's all good. I always have my laptop. But a few times lately- okay, all last week, I had to be at work at four, which means I can't bring my laptop, because it's too heavy to jog home with, and I'm terrified of ruining this one. So, then, I have to go an entire day without music, and I have episodes in the cafeteria at lunch where I'm outwardly singing MY OWN music. Not stuff I wrote, but I'll randomly break into the middle of Bohemian Rhapsody...
"thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me...."
And then people look at me funny, because I also don't have earphones on. But soon, that will change, because I WILL buy an ipod which holds 20 000 songs and maybe a movie or two (dirty dancing and maybe even bring it on and ten things I hate about you-oh, and of course, Sweeny Todd).

And furthermore, I've been attempting to learn guitar to kick Zack's ass when we hang out next time. I'm going to learn transition if it kills me-and my fingers, and my sleep pattern.
hahahaha...who needs sleep?
When you were young-the Killers

The whole point of this was, that there are most definitely not enough music websites on the internet, where you could just find lists and lists of songs that are all connected. I know so much music that I can't remember it all. I hear a song and I'm like, "I like this song". And then I forget that I heard it because I was so busy singing Meat Loaf that it just left my head.
Devil's Dance Floor-Flogging Molly

And, maybe, just maybe, on my free time, I'll make a lovely little blogger with all my music listed... Okay, maybe I'll make it in parts, because there's no way I'd be able to fit it all on here. Hm... this might take some thinking.
But it will be interesting. That's for sure.
Mambo Swing-Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

April 4, 2008.

I am officially addicted to youtube... check out my new vlogs. Woot for vlogs. Noobs.
http://www.youtube.com/user/nifzeta
It rocks my socks. It's like a blog, only on film. Coolio.
No more typing. Except now I have to type and video blog.
Because I can't possibly leave writing.