Not that anyone cares, but I think I have a severe case of depression that has been getting worse since I was in grade eleven. I think that it really kicked in when I was in grade 12. I can't stand being around people anymore, but when I'm by myself I can't help but just cry, and think about how screwed up I am. And then, here's the kicker: it makes me feel bad that people that I know end up getting hurt by me, so I go off alone and it gets worse. They shouldn't have to deal with this.
I can't be positive, it just won't work. I just can't. There can be nothing positive in a world where everything is so messed up. And every time I do wake up in a good mood, one tiny little thing just pisses me off so much that I can't even do anything and I stay at home in my basement by myself.
Here's the worst part: I don't want to go to a doctor about it because they'll just say: "be more positive" which is the most stupid thing I've ever heard by someone trying to help.
If I could, I would. Unfortunately I've not seen anything to award being positive to. It just screws you and sets you up to fail again. Sets you up to be used, be screwed, be more unhappy in the long run.
I'm not suicidal, but I wish that someone would kill me. I wish I could die in a fire or something, so no one would know my problems and I would just not have to deal with them anymore. The death would be accidental and no one I know would be hurt by me.
I just don't like being alive anymore. I can't find any goals to be interested in. Every time I like something, something goes wrong and my patience is so stretched that stupid things like my boyfriend's freezer causing my drumstick ice cream to melt makes me angry enough to just go buy more.
And him trying to help isn't helping, it's just making me more depressed because both of us just get more angry with each other and it's one more thing that I lose that I wanted.
I hate myself.
2 comments:
Go to a doctor. They will definitely *not* tell you to be more positive if you really are depressed. Depression is not just mental, you can't just "snap out of it".
I've been depressed since the end of last school year since I had nothing to do all summer; taking medication really helped. I was skeptical about going to a therapist -- what are they going to tell me that I don't already know? But still, I was pretty surprised how much better I felt after talking about it.
You are someone that needs to be alive.
Dear my darling, you need to find what makes you happy and stick to it. Rugby did that for a while, and so did a few other things. Once you find that happy thing in your life, hold on to it.
If need be, talk to your friends. They can listen to you when you need it. The best part is that they are only a phone call away. :)
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