January 18th, 2009

It has been a while since my last update. Sorry... :D

Anyway, I have been looking for a house here in the city that my school is, and as a result I have been a little more preoccupied. I've also decided that passing this semester would be really nice, because my one mark last semester ended up being a little less than passing, and as a result, although my other two marks are higher, I'm still running on a low mark.

What I Got-Sublime

Anyway, I found a house with a few friends, it's a gorgeous older four bedroom that's got a really weird bathroom in a random hallway that once solely led to the basement... but you know. I love the bedrooms where I will be living all the time, too.

Landslide-Dixie Chicks

The house is a bit older, it's a four bedroom, although at this moment in time, there are only three rooms that have people in it. My friend who is the only other girl signed in to live there is staying in her room with her boyfriend, so they're both paying for the one room and then we'll split utilities between as many people as there are living there, which is only currently signed to be four, since my boyfriend didn't want to give a definitive answer until he knows he can go in with us.

Anyway, since my camera battery is dead and the only method of charging it is otherwise undetectable (ahem, at my grandma's I think, from Xmas time), I have sort of drawn you some semblance as to the house layout...

Sin Wagon-Dixie Chicks

There are a few things that I'm not sure about because they don't look right on the drawing to me, and um... yeah. I'm not an architect. Sorry. Also: You might have to save and view separately... Overall in a clockwise direction starting from the far left little sticking out- thingie:

Front porch, staircase/hallway, kitchen and the arrow indicates the freak bathroom which also leads to the basement. Continuing on the first floor which is the first rectangle, down from the kitchen, it connects to the living/dining rooms which are undecided as to which one will be which.

I'm not really sure. The dark black lines are doors leading to outside. Yay. Front and back doors, we have a backyard with which to entertain, and it will be nice.

The next rectangle is the upper floor. So, from the top left: a bedroom which is the smallest and will likely be mine, the stairs coming up, a short hallway with exits toward both the large bathroom and another bathroom, then continuing clockwise we have a bedroom which will probably be my friend and her bf's room, and then a fourth bedroom. In the middle is just a little landing thing.

The basement just looks like a basement that's fairly short, so it's like, normal. It's got the washer, the dryer, and the laundry tub. Apparently it floods sometimes because of the river that runs through the city here.

You know, standard for houses by water.

Anyway. Can you tell how excited I am to move in to it? I'm liking it. We'll have to do some things to it, but I'm in love with it. So much so that I pretty much was just like, let's just take this one. I like this one. Yeah, that's nice, but it's not as good as the first one we saw.

Yeah. Had I been alone, I would have totally signed the lease right there.

Auld Lang Syne-Dropkick Murphys

Wonderful Tonight-Eric Clapton

So, that's mostly what I've been up to lately. That, and school. And, trying to pay for school, and I've been attempting to get a job.

Otherwise, I'd say, I'm doing pretty well.

Yessir, pretty darn well :D

Cocaine-Eric Clapton

December 25th, 2008

Wow, Christmas was really proliferant this year. I got two nutcrackers, and like, 8+4 pairs of socks. It made my life. I also got a keg coffee mug. who doesn't want one of those?
"No, I swear professor, it's just tea!"
Haha. And I got a chair-back that is purple. And apparently, a rugby ball that my mum forgot. Again. :D I have like four now! It's getting awesomer. I have a team's worth of rugby balls, and I will never run out. They're all different, too. It's cool. :D
Umm... School. I've changed my major. I will now go for business. I might look at accounting.
I don't know.
Anyway. Gotta go. Busy, busy day.

December 1, 2008

I have no problems in life right now. My life is perfect.
I don't have any complaints. I'm mostly passing everything in school. I've developed a method for eating in the cafeterias so that I don't puke all over and don't feel sick directly afterwards. I have successfully secured a place in the university. I'm definitely not a rookie, after this year (even though rookie night left me with THREE distinct bruises on my right knee and a scratch on my chin, and I was brought home by a friend on the team who was much, much more sober than I, and she got her boyfriend, and they got mine at my drunken request, but mine didn't mind... or at least that's what he said.) I am content, for the most part, except that I'm heading home for three weeks on the thirteenth from dorm where I have spent every night of the last month with my boyfriend(although we kind of requested of each other that we don't really use those terms because of the pressure that they put on us which is silly because we say it all the time anyway), pretty much. We don't separate a lot. Just when I go to the gym, or when one of us has a class, or goes home, or has a rookie night... and then I come home drunk anyway, and beg for him to come and make me feel warm because I'm freezing.
Anyway, yes. I generally am having a really good life.
I'm semi-passing, I'm not too stressed with so many languages. I don't know how Kichasnano does it, but he'll keep doing it, I'm sure. And I'll be sitting there going, "What does this mean?"
He says "Te amo" alot. I like "Ego te amo" better, and probably will always, simply because it's what I remember. Anyway, in case you didn't catch that, it's latin. "ego" means "I". And the rest should be obvious if you know French/Latin/Spanish.
I think that It's necessary for me to say that as perfect as my life is, I'm not overly happy, and I'm not excessively obsessed with Kichasnano... which, I think, might be healthy. I'm content. I could win the lottery, but I don't know if that would change my life much. I'd move out of dorm, I'd make Christmas awesome and buy everyone really cool presents and pay off their stuff, and I'd pay off school for the next five years. Then I'd get a job and put the rest of the money towards fixing my parents' house and grandparents' house.
Anyway, I'm saying that I'm comfortable, and feel...right.
If I don't say anything till then, Happy Christmas.

November 7, 2008

Today is an interesting day. I think I've decided about my plan of action. I hate it when I make decisive decisions, but it's gotten to the point where I just can't deal with idiocy any more, and I really just want to know.
I hate men. They cause so much strife. Well. I suppose I haven't got much to say again. Just going along with life, doing my homework and writing novels for NanoWrimo.
Excerpt:

Shrieking in fear, she pounded on the roof of the box that she was trapped within. To her horror, it fit her like a second glove, perfectly mimicking her body’s slender size and boyish shape. The inner surface that she lay upon was smooth and silky, much like the shirt was that she had worn to her work’s last Christmas party, but in the pitch blackness she could not see if the color was anything like the blouse.

Mmm... I'm going to go watch Footloose now. It's one of the best movies ever invented, I have to admit. Then after that, I'm going to watch RHPS. The other best movie ever invented. :D

November 5, 2008

As was said to my friends online at midnight-ish?
Remember, Remember
The Fifth of November...

:D So I fell asleep at one thirty in the morning watching V for Vendetta.
It's a good movie, but we won't get into why.
Too much debate.
Now I'm in a really good mood for no particular reason. I just decided though, that were I a star who acted in generally accepted movies by the public, I would keep a copy of everything I did and use it as a game plan for the next one. "Oh, I did this wrong here, I could do better by..." And improve as I went. I mean, clearly, I'm an awesome actress(snicker, snicker)already, so I don't know why I'd need to improve...
:P
Yeah, they'd never let me onto a big hit. I could do a big Canadian Hit, but they're only B movies that you watch when you really have nothing else to do and all the shows are taken off by some crappy American Debate over who's gonna be the next president.
Just a little bitter about that.

Anyway... Uh... Yeah. Okay. I'm done for the day.

October 29, 2008

Hey! This is my hundredth post! Time to celebrate *dances* woohoo!
Success at its finest! I mean, who else in their right minds would be excited about the honour of sitting at a desk for long enough to have written a hundred posts while single-handedly ignoring homework, social time, AND cleaning?

In other news...
I decided, yesterday, that next semester I would make my life a little easier and retreat from my previously chosen section of learning. I definitely switched out of Latin and Greek.
Yes.
I can't stand them, there's just too much to learn.
Then, today, I got an email on the school email questioning whether or not one should drop a course... so I did. I am no longer in Greek. *sigh* it sucks, because I gave up and I hate giving up. I mean, really, if it were more interesting, or useful, I'd think about working harder on it.
Buuuttt... Not really interested. In grade ten, maybe I was. Okay, I was. But now? Naah. I need something a little more useful, because something might come up and that rich guy that I'm looking for to marry for his money might not actually exist, or, you know, be single and unmarried. Then again, who says I'd need to marry him? I could just be a mistress...
naah. Then I could never claim anything from his name.
Anyway, in order to not have too many failing courses show up on my transcript, I dropped Greek this semester, too. I still have Latin so that I have a full courseload, but Latin's not too hard, I just think it's boring. But if I don't have to worry about Greek AND Latin at the same time, it will be much easier to do just Latin. That will be perfect.
*sigh*
I hate quitting. Anyway, I have to go do some... no, nope. No Greek homework. I guess i'll just have to finish the Iliad now. Darn. I was so looking forward to...no, nope. I wasn't. I wasn't looking forward to the Greek work.
For some reason, I feel oddly elated...

October 27, 2008

Hmm... Halloween is coming and I'm going to be BATMAN!
Then, there's a guy down my hallway who, when I said that I was going to be the better of the magnificent duo, he said "You can't be Batman?! You have to be Batwoman! You're just not a guy!"
Well, and here I thought that we'd cleared up this silly thing where men stereotype women.
I try very hard to not stereotype men.
Or do I? I mean, I certainly wouldn't chase a little pansy guy who did silly things like... study birds for a living. Hahaha. I'd laugh at any man who was smaller, thinner, shorter than me.
Okay, I suppose that I do stereotype men.
And you know, as much as we'd all like to see women gain the equivalent status of a man, it will never happen. Even after all this time, I have my accounting class, and there are one HECK of a lot more guys, better looking guys, more manly, demanding guys in that class because it's a BUSINESS class then there are women.
In my friend Sylver's college class for architecture, there are significantly fewer women then men.
I think that the only reason we as a society think that we are all equal is because we are given numbers. When you actually experience it, it's quite odd.
This entire revelation came about when I was looking for a cool halloween costume. I wanted to be spider man, actually.
All I could find in any of the women sections were bust-baring, high-thigh, teensy-tight, clevage-collecting costumes, designed to tease, entice, and promise to men that I am easy. Here's my thing: I'm not really hard. Seriously.
But I'm not going to sell it, either. That's like, I'll show it, when I want to, if it suits me.
Usually, actually, I dress like that specifically to get attention.
But on Halloween? Why? Does every day have to be a day that women are expected to look like fourteen year olds who still haven't figured out that dressing in clothes is better than dressing in tights?
Grr...

Seriously, I'm a hoodie and jeans kinda girl. And the funny thing is, that last year, I decided I wanted to look better than a few other girls, because I wanted to catch the attention of a guy. So, I was. The first thing that my guyfriend said when he saw me was:
"What? Since when do you have cleavage?"
I was amazed that I'm declassified as a girl if I don't dress like one.
I mean, I never lose my... clear girly squeal when I see a cute guy.

Oh well. I suppose eventually, I'll find someone who's more comfy with me the way I am. My fingers are still crossed for that guy in my accounting seminar. He's pretty cool.

Anyway, tune in next time;
Same bat time,
Same bat channel!

October 20, 2008

Wow. How about this one: It's six fifty in the morning. I've slept since eight o'clock last night...

So, my life's awesome. Yeah, I dunno if I was bored or if I was just finally getting all that sleep back that I didn't have while school was in, but whatever it was, I feel great now. :D
Well, a little cold.
Hm. It's seven sixteen now, and the sun isn' t up yet. This is going to be a fuuuun winter. On the plus side, it might rain today. Gives me a reason to stay inside and maybe even go shopping a little bit! Yay! I haven't actually had much of a chance to go anywhere but a GT, walmart, and now a sears. I've yet to wander around those little stores downtown or ANYWHERE in Peterborough... I mean, it's a small town, but it's got loads of little stores. We even have a few malls...
:D
I'll prolly end up sitting here designing tee shirts for Twilight's release... :D Maybe I'll get Sylver's done for her. I've had it planned this long, why not? I have lots of time. I just need some cardboard. And some sylver paint :P
Truesay. I'll have to find some tee shirt paint.
Otherwise, I'd say I haven't got much to do other than read the rest of the Iliad and start on the Oddyssey.
And you know how much I want to do that? About as much as I want to poke my own eyes out... Hahaha.
(But then how will I see the movie??? It's just not the same if I can't see Twilight!!)

October 17th, 2008

Okay. I'm getting sick of this guy thing. Seriously.
All of them. Every single one of the guys I know is on my nerves right now. Except the gay ones, or the ones I can't ever see myself with.
Well, and Kiz. I don't see how he even figures in anymore, it's been so long. He's just... history.
Unfortunately, the newest replacement for Kiz--the one with the personality and the one with the raver girlfriend who lives miles away... he seems to have taken up that place. Within six months of realizing I needed to change, else I would be doomed to be forever wishing Kiz would just see reason and a happy ending might therefore occur, I ended up screwing up AGAIN and finding someone else who's just as eager to step up and be the douche.
I don't know. I don't hate him, like I keep saying to myself.
I hate me, for not being able to deal when this kind of guy comes along. He's so... perfect. He's crazy. It suits me. He's random, and aloof. It keeps me amused and always thinking about him. I'm never bored. I get bored easily, and this kind of guy's so random.
He's forceful.
And I hate myself for wanting to relive every damned minute of it, because I know it will never come back. I think he blocked me on everything.
He will never be back. And I can't stop thinking about what he was like. And what he did. And comparing every new guy to him, because maybe, just maybe, I'll find a replacement.
Yesterday, I was in a really bad mood, because two nights ago, I was up really late. As I was in that half state between awake and sleep, I caught a whiff of him. Just... his smell. So perfect. So comforting. And while I tried to find the smell again right then, at five o'clock in the morning, for ten minutes, TEN MINUTES, I searched just to smell his scent, and I realized it.
I have hit the lowest of lows.
Again.


It's not him I hate for it, it's me. I hate how I react to a certain breed. A breed that I will never conquer but always want to. And in wanting to, that's who I'll be most attracted to.
I hate myself. I want to step out for a few days, take a few days off from my memories and my past, and just... step out. I want a coma to last a few days so I can sleep, so I can sleep without dreaming any more dreams. Because they're good dreams. They make me happy. And then I wake up and wish I could dream again. I've gotten to insomniac because I just don't want to sleep. It's easier to just stay awake and not sleep, keep busy and distract myself.
But there's only so much I can do before I a)fall asleep or
b)hate myself again.
Like now. I hate me right now.
I hate him.
I hate me.

I hate me.
I hate us both.

October 9, 2008

Well, I'm officially failing, like, everything. I think it's technically mid-terms... and I'm not doing too well. Hopefully I can pull off a bunch of amazing-catch-up-on-marks things like I always did in high school... I was really good at that. I mean, I now know that I can in fact get my stuff done, if I have to, at three in the morning. Yes. It does happen. I just don't know where all the time goes. On the other hand, my eyes were so burning this morning that I had to take out my contacts, and now my eyes are even more burning. Now they're better. I just put on my glasses. It helped a lot. it's just 'cause I'm blind.
Anyway, other than that, I suppose it's all good. I got my first hangover the other day... I suppose Wednesday... Tuesday was Team Tuesday at the bar that put money or something towards our rugby team. Yeah, we're cool. We're supported by a bar.
Although, our summer team at Creek was also supported by a bar in Stoney Creek. So, I guess it's fairly common.
Yeah. Anyway, Tuesday was interesting. I don't think I'm ever going to change because I just can't seem to. On the plus side, I did say no when I got asked to go home with someone. My excuse: I'm not drunk enough, and I have homework waiting for me.
I ended up missing the last bus to school and crashing at a teammate's apartment which was two blocks from the bar.
It was awesome. Her floor was really comfy.
Anyway, I'm going to go nap for an hour. I have a long day ahead of me, and an even longer weekend. And I have a seminar due. Maybe I should do that now. Forget the naps. I'll wake up when I get pounded on in the practice.
Time for some coffee...

September 29, 2008

Wow. Some people...

Ahahaha. That's all I can say. Hellloooo guys: My face, it's about a foot above where you're looking. Thanks. :D

And then people wonder why I wear big sweaters and 'boy jeans' all the time. I can't help it if you decide to show up at my room at seven thirty at night... I don't like wearing my clothes if I don't have to. So I'll take off the sweaters and switch to pj pants. But don't look at me like that. Thank you.
I'll tell you when you can, if you can, admire me. And then and only then will I allow it.

And that's the way it should be, as long as I'm fending for myself and am not married to anyone.

So there.

September 25, 2008

Today is Linck's bday. She's old. Haha.
Kidding.
Anyway, that's just my random shoutouts. Shout out? Shouter? Yeah. Shouter.
It looks really dumb though. Not catchy enough.
So, anyway, as of the end of this week, I have lived in dorm for a month and still haven't even met anyone that wasn't a creeper or "just a friend".
Kids, I'm sure that someone, somewhere is having sex or is currently in the blissful aftermath of passion on campus, but let me tell you: it certainly isn't me.
I mean, I definitely don't help myself much--I'm starting to get disapproving stares from my friend who lives in the other dorm across the way. She seems to want me to get out and meet guys. She always has an opinion on who it is that wants to "bone me" as she likes to put it.

I understand earlier, that I was making myself unavailable, but sometimes I wonder if I just missed the class on how to flirt?
Because even if I know that a guy's flirting with me, it makes it that much harder to go along with it. I just can't do it. It then makes me want to laugh at them and I can't take them seriously. Really.

I guess I'll give up for now. I've lost the battle, but I damn well have not lost the war.

September 22, 2008

I don't think I've ever done homework before, and I'm doing it now... I hate it.
Anyway, I just would like to say that sylver's right: I will never be able to go two weeks without some form of attention, because I'm just like that. It's kind of sad. I need some things, and I refuse to go without, damnit! I am a pretty good looking girl, I think. I should get some a lot.
Damn this emotion thing. Damn it to hell...
Mmm... popcorn. ! I have vinegar in my purse from mcdonald's! Woot!
*munch, munch*
I wish Pitcher was single.
I've been thinking about him but I don't know if it's because I'm single or because it really truly struck home that he's the only person who noticed I wasn't quite right last week without me saying something about it...?
I don't know. But now, I hate myself for thinking what I've been thinking. So, scratch that, damn me for thinking bad things, and back to my popcorn and accounting homework.

September 22, 2008

Joe from Oshawa is a good man.
He helped me when my car was all messed up. I think I should have given him some money... but I didn't. I feel bad because I didn't, but that's okay, I guess. Next time, if ever I see him again, I will for sure.
I dunno, my car just started overheating and steaming while I was on the 401 just outside of Oshawa--considering I've driven about a thousand kilometres--no lie-- since Friday, I'd say that's understandable.
Basically, I overheated and steamed all my water out of my rad. I only bought one bottle of water from timmie's and Mr. Joe from Oshawa helped me a)find the place to put the water and b)put more water in, since he brough me a whole thing of it.
And then he showed me where the 401 was.

I think I have had my faith restored in humanity, once again. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am much happier in that silly little problem I have with trusting people. I tend to do it far too often and it gets me into trouble, but sometimes, sometimes it's just worth it.

On the other side, the what...
Let's see how much time I actually did spend in a car this weekend:
Drive Leanne to Mike's: 45 mins one way, and then I drove back to Trent; 1.30 hrs altogether.
Drive home from Trent: 2:45 mins one way
Drive to my house from Grandma's: 20 mins.
Drive to Western University/around the campus: 3.30 mins one way.
Drive home from western: 3.30 mins one way.
Drive to Grama's: 20 mins.
Drive back to Trent University: 4 hours(because a) I broke down in Oshawa and b) it's still construction season in Canada.)
Drive Leanne home from Mike's: 45 mins one way, and then I drove back to Trent; 1:30 hours all together.
Soooo.... In Three? Four days? I've spent: 1045 minutes in the car which is: seventeen hours and forty-two minutes in the car. Just a general number, too, not including any in between trips that were actually less time.
Wow. I love University. I get to drive, everywhere. And next weekend will be JUST as awesome. Cool, eh?

Anyway, in the seventeen hours and forty-two minutes I've spent in the car, I've had a lot of time by myself to think how much I'm not interested in a crazy relationhip. I don't want someone that's all over the place. I don't want drama. I'm not interested in it. I want someone who's familiar, who I don't have to change for, who I won't expect to change for me. I want someone who's going to be normal; who understands my mood patterns enough to know when I'm pissed off and when I just need alone time. Or when I just need a good slap on the hand and a warning because I'm being a bitch.
And I'm sick of fighting for guys. I am so sick of having to worry all the time. I want someone that I can trust. I want someone who I won't have to bare my teeth to. I also want a looker. I want someone who can match me in looks. I'm not that bad looking, and I know it. I can look really good when I want to. Unfortunately, that makes me vain. And it makes me have standards for my men.

And like I said to Pitcher, the one thing I've realized is that I'm following my own past; history is repeating. Hopefully the next guy I get will be like the one I got after backcatcher: another Pitcher. Only this time, I'm not going to screw it up. Because I've seen the pattern. I've seen the way it is.
And I know that maybe, just maybe this time, I won't take it for granted because although my history in man order is repeating, the way I understand and process the loss of men is changing, which means I'm much more stable. I'd like to think that I might even be a little more on the sane, mature side. I just don't know if that's pushing it.

Because yes, I still wear socks with elephants on them for fun.
To rugby.
With a Pink Floyd tee shirt on top.

And anyone I date has to understand that, because I'm not babying them anymore, and I'm not going to attach myself to their waists anymore. I'm old enough to know that I can make decisions on my own.
So.
There.

Also thought about what to do for a house this summer... not sure I'm going home. I might see if I can stay in Peterborough.
It would be nice.
Also: about a house in the future. I wonder if Sylver and Pitcher would get together and design me a house? I'd love them both forever if they did that... ahaa. It'd be a house from a dream. With Pitcher's design schematics and invention and Sylver's methodology and ingenuity (especially with how well she knows me), I'd say that that would be the most kickass house in the world. Ever. Seriously. I'd have to think about moving away if I got that house...
Tata. I have some Latin to do, and a house and naked baseball players to think about, here.

September 17 2008

I value nothing more than truth. Honesty. Loyalty.
Does no one else?
Is there no other who does?
And if there are, as I'm sure there are, more people in the world who do also, then why do they never come out and announce it as such.
I shout it to the roofs that litter this dark world of cold suffering that we are to succumb to should this disease not be swept away, and I scream it to the heavens: Why should this be so difficult to locate? Why is it so damn impossible to find someone who agrees?

I value nothing more than truth. Honesty Loyalty.
So why do I keep finding the exact opposites?

I feel as though someoneis playing a game with my mind. With my person.

And I hate this game.

September 15 2008

So, the most frustrating thing that I have ever discovered, is being stretched too thin. I have been in a position where I am working three jobs and going to school full time and playing rugby, and had a boyfriend on top of that, and I wasn't stretched too thin. I have been in a position where I had absolutely no money, but always some way to get what I needed, and never have had a problem with it. I have had so much to do that I forgot to sleep.
And I have survived.

But I don't know how long this will last.
I have no money, no job, I'm on a varsity rugby team, and I go to school full time. I live at school.
And it is the hardest time that I have ever had. I frequently am forgetting to sleep, I am generally headachey, slightly nauseous, and am always hopped up on coffee. I'm not sure that the food here is good at all, in fact, I'm rather disappointed at how disgustingly oily EVERYTHING is. Even the salads are hard to make healthy.
But the thing is, that I always had support. I always figured out a way to get what I need. And I can't do it anymore. It's so hard to understand.
I can't get a loan because I have no credit. I have no credit because I can't get a loan because I have no credit.
It's an unerring cycle that's bullshit.
I need a co-signer but no one can co-sign because everyone I know is in financial worry. No one is in a position to do so.

And they took away my osap, so I can't afford my school books, let alone my insurance for my car to get back to where I live or my food for those days when the friggen caf's are only open when I need to be at rugby.
And God help me if I want to have a life.
I can't afford it. Ahahaah. Mom, you didn't need to spot me twenty dollars for that pub card. I have no money. I can't afford to drink.
Fuck. I'm going to be a prostitute.
They make money that's not taxed AND it's not half bad work. Ahahahahaaahahahaa... Oh, that just made me laugh. I think I've hit that point of exhaustion where not only am I tired, but I'm coming into illogical suggestions. Hahahahaahahahaahahahaa. Aah. Ah. AaAh. Hehe. Haaaah. Now I'm good. I'm good.

September 13, 2008

So, it's saturday. I've done half my homework. It's only five o'clock, but supper's soon.
And, I'm not over the boy, but I can be if he decides that he's not into me. I'll understand, because I'm a nutbar. It's true. I'd understand if I was single for the rest of my life. I'm a control freak with anal-retentive tendencies.
And, above that, I become obsessed and single out one idea.
It's not something that I can change, I've done it all my life. I was really, really, really good at school until I switched the idea over to boys. It's because I could only focus on school. I had no personal life, no idea on how to meet and greet, and most of all, I had no concept of normalcy.
But no longer. While I am still sort of interested in school, I am more centred on one guy. And that scares them off, obviously, creating the need to meet and collect another boy. Soooo... Yeah. I'm screwed, is all I can say. But I still like him. It's just unlikely that I'll be able to keep him. Too bad.
But maybe I'll see if he still wants me and then I'll go from there. I'll see what I can do to tone myself down, because I'm starting to scare me.

September 12, 2008

I have had my day made... I love theatre. But I'm not an actor, they're weird. I'm a dancer.
Aah, the jokes just aren't as good anymore. I mean, I love it, but no one gets it when I say it at school. Seriously. Kinda sucks.
I miss the play. We all were happy, if not overworked and seriously tired. But that coffee thing stuck with me, and now I pee thirty times a day because I never drink water, justcoffee... can't be good for my system. hahaha.
*sigh* so, I'm not upset about Jeremy, but I am kind of curious as to what he thinks. I don't know. I do know that I act like a kid in relationships, which is bad and annoying. But oh well. Why do I suck in any sort of relationship--here, I'm naming a relationship simply the behavioural tendencies between two people, not necessarily the tendency between a dating couple (Since I'm not dating him).
Anyway, I still don't get along with people. Oh! Crap! My car's parked too close to the thing. Damnit. I have to go move that. Bye!

Sept. 11/08

Well, it's happened.
I'm getting nervous about the guy I like. Just because we're so far away, and I never see him, and we're not actually dating... there's so much that just seems so stupid that I worry about but I also worry regardless of whether or not I actually mean anything and am wasting my time thinking about him and not expanding my networks outward. I think I'm going to make some friends. I can't keep this up. I'm making myself stress about going on with him all the time, because I can accept neither loss nor defeat well.
I hate this. I just want to know that he thinks about me half as much as I do about him.
God. I hate men. I want constant reassurance that maybe, maybe I'm not nuts. Maybe, maybe they actually kind of like me when I like them. Because I know that guys move around, I know that they lose interest, and I have no faith in them, ever.
I hate the one who did this to me, the most, I think.
I hate being the way that I am.
I think I am going to go watch a few dane cook skits, just because I'm that unhappy.
See you later.

September 10/08